I'm in shock
- Thread starter JoFowler
- Start date
Help Support Crohn's Disease Forum:
SarahBear
Moderator
What?!
I'm a little confused... he's telling you to just alter your diet and your Crohn's will go away?!
I'm a little confused... he's telling you to just alter your diet and your Crohn's will go away?!
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2012
- Messages
- 205
Yes, and if it was him, he'd just have it cut out and go on with life I guess. lol
SarahBear
Moderator
He sure does make it sound simple. 
- Joined
- Nov 14, 2006
- Messages
- 2,743
Men tend to be "fixers" meaning they are less emotionally available to "listen and provide support" in times of need and think more about "how can I just fix the problem?" In his mind he probably thinks cutting out the bad parts via surgery would get rid of the problem.
I think its coming from a place that is well intentioned but poorly informed.
I hope this helps.
I think its coming from a place that is well intentioned but poorly informed.
I hope this helps.
SarahBear
Moderator
I think the best thing would be to explain to him that while you wish it were that easy, it just isn't. Or just avoid responding to that statement at all. Like katiesue said, he probably meant well.
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2012
- Messages
- 205
Lol!
- Joined
- Oct 26, 2011
- Messages
- 1,358
I would bring him to the Dr. with you next time and have him make his suggestion there.
It is a rather confusing disease. I have to admit when my son was first diagnosed I had some misconceptions and it took me a very long time to really get it (and I am still learning). I know that comment must have been frustrating but the disease will effect your family as a whole. Once he understands maybe he will be able to be more supportive. But I totally understand needing to vent.
It is a rather confusing disease. I have to admit when my son was first diagnosed I had some misconceptions and it took me a very long time to really get it (and I am still learning). I know that comment must have been frustrating but the disease will effect your family as a whole. Once he understands maybe he will be able to be more supportive. But I totally understand needing to vent.
rygon
Moderator
- Joined
- Jan 31, 2010
- Messages
- 2,550
I pretty much sad the same thing to myself when I was 1st dx'd. I think telling him that removing the infected parts doesnt stop the disease, and that diet can only help so much. Even with a great diet and loads of meds some people will still be ill.
- Joined
- Jul 9, 2012
- Messages
- 161
"Cutting the bad part out" doesn't get rid of Crohn's either. I think some people don't understand this disease and sometimes they don't want to understand it when it comes to a loved one because they don't want to face the possible complications and depth of the situation. Especially when one reads or hears about the really bad cases, it is scary to think about that happening to their loved one. I agree taking him to your next doctor visit. Even if he doesn't ask the questions, you can so he can hear the answers. Even so, unless he is ready, he won't "hear" anything.
- Joined
- Jul 27, 2011
- Messages
- 81
Well I had sugrey 3yrs ago and it has been better but it doesnt fix it for life. Lots of people have had 2,3, 10 surgries, you never know. Yes diet helps but he has to be on board with it to. Even when I eat right stress can cause a flare. Maybe tell him fix my meal, take care of all my stress and promise me my surgrey will go great and we have got a deal! Then put some ex-lax in his food tonight and let him see what your tummy feels like LOL! I know I sound mean but the Docs do even really understand how crohn's and other IBD issues work thats why we can be fixed just helped! So I know how you feel when people say stupid things. Like we know when our guts are going to take over and crap on our plans for the day, week, month even! It sucks and its not fun! Maybe just let him see what all of us have said back to you, might let him know your not alone, or crazy! Good luck and let me know how it plays out
Unfortunately most healthy individuals do NOT understand what it is like to have a chronic illness. Most of the healthy society does not accept nor understand chronic illness from what I have experienced.
Now, my best friends husband has Ulcertive colitis. He is one strong guy. I mean he gets flares to the point that he is pooping blood 50 times a day from what my friend tells me. This guy does not care though, I mean my friend says he just pushes on and does not let it stop him at all. I mean he just wont eat for a few days until everything calms down a bit. He also drinks beer. My friend says she does not know how he does it, but he just does not let the disease bother him. I know for me, I have not even been officially diagnosed yet( I keep getting told I have IBS)!Well I am in agony everyday, I mean I am literally glued to my heating pad most days from all the pain. I hardly can funtion!
I think it depends on how much pain you have. Like for instance, my best friends hubby that has the UC, well his mother has Crohns disease. My friend says that she is the same way, she never lets it bother her, though I think she probably has mild crohns that is being controlled by meds. She has never had surgery or complications from it and she has had it for years. Maybe that is why my friends hubby does not have to many issues, who knows.
But anyhow, that was kind of insensitive of your hubby to tell you to just have surgery and move on. First off, Surgery should NEVER be done unless it is an absolute nessesity. I mean there are usually consequences to surgery. I still remember my old gastro doc telling me that when I wanted to have a laproscopy( I was having upper gut issues at the time that noone could explain), well he told me NO, he said you dont ever want to have your gut cut on unless it is an emergency. He told me that once your have any type of abdominal surgery or intestinal surgery you will no doubt have many more due to scar tissue and such and he said before you know it, you will be in a viscious cycle ending up getting fileted like a fish! I dont think everyone has this issue that has surgery, but a lot do. So tell your hubby that surgery is NOT that easy! I mean also it does NOT cure crohns. In fact surgery should not really be done unless there is a major issue or extreme emergency. I just think it goes back to most people who are not chronically sick dont get it..
Now, my best friends husband has Ulcertive colitis. He is one strong guy. I mean he gets flares to the point that he is pooping blood 50 times a day from what my friend tells me. This guy does not care though, I mean my friend says he just pushes on and does not let it stop him at all. I mean he just wont eat for a few days until everything calms down a bit. He also drinks beer. My friend says she does not know how he does it, but he just does not let the disease bother him. I know for me, I have not even been officially diagnosed yet( I keep getting told I have IBS)!Well I am in agony everyday, I mean I am literally glued to my heating pad most days from all the pain. I hardly can funtion!
I think it depends on how much pain you have. Like for instance, my best friends hubby that has the UC, well his mother has Crohns disease. My friend says that she is the same way, she never lets it bother her, though I think she probably has mild crohns that is being controlled by meds. She has never had surgery or complications from it and she has had it for years. Maybe that is why my friends hubby does not have to many issues, who knows.
But anyhow, that was kind of insensitive of your hubby to tell you to just have surgery and move on. First off, Surgery should NEVER be done unless it is an absolute nessesity. I mean there are usually consequences to surgery. I still remember my old gastro doc telling me that when I wanted to have a laproscopy( I was having upper gut issues at the time that noone could explain), well he told me NO, he said you dont ever want to have your gut cut on unless it is an emergency. He told me that once your have any type of abdominal surgery or intestinal surgery you will no doubt have many more due to scar tissue and such and he said before you know it, you will be in a viscious cycle ending up getting fileted like a fish! I dont think everyone has this issue that has surgery, but a lot do. So tell your hubby that surgery is NOT that easy! I mean also it does NOT cure crohns. In fact surgery should not really be done unless there is a major issue or extreme emergency. I just think it goes back to most people who are not chronically sick dont get it..
My friend Bev has been fighting crohn's for 27 yrs. The GI she had kept cutting out the bad part and now she only has 6 in. of intestine left!!! She gets sores in her mouth and esophagus now too. It doesn't solve the problem of crohn's. It only helps if you have a fistula or dangerous abscesses I would say. Men without crohn's can't understand what we go thru, just chalk it up to men are from mars and women from venus! LOL!:rof:
Spooky1
Well-known member
I think hubby is going to spend the next weekend reading this forum!!!! or the divorce papers presented by you lol.
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2012
- Messages
- 205
Thanks for your replies everyone! I explained to hubby how that made me feel and how wrong his thinking is(I was told they could see inflammation on my small bowel, not that it was damaged and they could cut it out, surgery for that has never been presented to me). He has watched me quit smoking, quit drinking, quit a lot of food I enjoyed, all when I was diagnosed in Sept. Is that not accepting and moving one? It doesn't mean the disease is moving on lol
He apologized for and has been a little more sensitive. But no, he wouldn't read through these forums and no, I don't see him coming to my appointment and asking for himself. In fact, that may have been what had him apologizing so fast. LOL
I also told him that if he did have this easy fix for crohn's, he would win the Nobel Prize haha
He apologized for and has been a little more sensitive. But no, he wouldn't read through these forums and no, I don't see him coming to my appointment and asking for himself. In fact, that may have been what had him apologizing so fast. LOL
I also told him that if he did have this easy fix for crohn's, he would win the Nobel Prize haha
I'm so glad he is being more understanding now, that means so much. My husband has been great about it all. I feel really blessed he knew about crohn's because of a family member before I was diagnosed. I hope you stay well now!
- Joined
- Aug 10, 2011
- Messages
- 1,350
To be fair, ignorance of this disease is pretty common and there is a very common misconception that Crohn's is a solved problem. That, like cancer, you can just cut it out and go on to live a mostly normal life afterwards with some care. Of course, cancer comes back and so does Crohn's, but people gloss that over.
He definitely should sit down and read through these forums, or at least come ask some questions of his own. I know we're not all the scholarly type, but when your spouse has something as life altering as this to deal with... I think that warrants some effort. :/
He definitely should sit down and read through these forums, or at least come ask some questions of his own. I know we're not all the scholarly type, but when your spouse has something as life altering as this to deal with... I think that warrants some effort. :/
Sorry if this was already written Crohns is a skip lesion disease. Therefore you can't just take out the bad parts. UC I believe can be removed.
There is no excuse for insensitive behavior from our families. There is to much info out
there!
I hope you feel better soon!
lauren
There is no excuse for insensitive behavior from our families. There is to much info out
there!
I hope you feel better soon!
lauren
- Joined
- Jun 4, 2012
- Messages
- 447
Hi JoFowler,
Well, my first thought is he is at least trying to be helpful. A good response might be "I only wish it could be so simple!" Cutting the bad part out in order to make the pain and junk go away happens quite a bit actually. The part that comes next though, needs a little tenderizing. " Moving on with Crohns" and "eat accordingly" you will do without anyone saying it- you don't have any choice. Definitely could have been said in a more supportive way. The way it's currently said connotes a lack of concern, but I think it's just being ignorant. The part that bugs me though is the last part: "one less thing to deal with". Don't know what he's thinking there. It sounds like he thinks surgery will enable you to get your life back and then you can move on like before, and that's not 100%. I had over 20 years of "not thinking about it" because I thought my surgery had "cured" my disease, only to have my diagnosis change last year to Crohns. Even with my ileostomy I don't really "think" about it- at least, no more thought is given to my ileostomy than when I wore glasses. It's nice to be not so sick anymore (my current flare up is almost finished it seems) but getting to that point where you're not so sick and moving on with your life is the issue.
Your husband isn't alone in that kind of thinking. But at least he is acknowledging your illness instead of acting like you're not sick. When I as very sick at the age of 18 my family was is in complete denial. I told them how incontinent I was and their "solution" was just to bring a change of clothes with me. When I kept losing my hair they bought me a hair piece. All of this in an attempt to help me "get on with my life". But covering up my disease didn't make it go away, and it wasn't until I had surgery that I could really move on with things. All that advice did was piss me off, and being upset certainly didn't help anything. All we want to do is get well first, and then move on. Getting well can take time and it can involve surgery, but you will get there. Unfortunately, we can't really speed up the process.
