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Guest555

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This is old and has several variations.


A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune.

"One Australian SAS soldier is better than ten Taliban".

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out "One Australian SAS soldier is better than one hundred Taliban".

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The Australian voice calls out again "One Australian SAS soldier is better than one thousand Taliban".

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap,. .. there's actually two of them."
 
ha ha

here's an oldie but goodie!

An octopus walks into a bar and sez, 'I can play any instrument'
And he sits down at the piano and plays like Elton John.
This bloke sez, 'can you play the guitar?'
The octopus sez, 'course I can' and he grabs the guitar and plays like Jimmi Hendrix!
Then this Scot sez, 'Here, bet you can't play these bagpipes!'
The octopus sez, 'course I can!'
But he struggled and struggled.
The Scot said 'Ye cannae play em can ye?'
The octopus sez, 'Play em? I'm gonna shag em when I get these pyjamas off!'
 
Hahahahaha! Love it, Joanie :) I'm tired so this is all I can dredge up at the mo.
What is the definition of a drawing pin?


An excited Smartie.
 
Argon walks in to a bar.
Bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve noble gasses."
Argon doesn't react.
 
:rof:



I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
And all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'


The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
what was going on......


Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!


Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
 
ha ha good un!

Anne and Joe were out walking thro the woods, Anne said she needed a wee.
So she went behind a bush.
Joe, feeling a bit frisky decided to surprise her by putting his hand up her skirt!
So he did, and felt something long and hard!
He exclaimed, 'Anne! have you changed into a man!?'
'No', she said, 'I've changed my mind!'
 
Guts or balls?

There is a medical distinction.
We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below.

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom and having the guts to ask...
'Are you still cleaning luv, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse, and having the balls to say...
'You're next fatty!!'
 
My fave joke of all time: Two cannibals were eating a clown they had cooked up for dinner. One turned to the other and asked, "Does this taste funny to you?"

My 2nd fave: Why did the girl mushroom date the boy mushroom? Because he was a fungi!
 
These are all so funny and have given me a much needed laugh. Thank you, all. And, keep them coming!!! They're great!
 
What's the definition of a mosquito? A flying hypodermic needle.

it's mosquito season here where I live and they are out big time and sucking the blood out of me big time. If it's not the phlebotomists wanting to drain me, it's these air borne creatures. lol
 
HUSBAND asks WIFE : ... "Do you know the meaning of wife? ... Its means ... "Washing ... Ironing ... Vacuuming ... Cooking ... Love and Romance" ... WIFE replies: ... "No it means ... "With Idiot For Ever".
 
Wife says to Husband ... What would u do if i won lotto? ... Husband says I'd take half & leave ... Wife says Excellent !! ... I've just won $10! ... Here's $5 now F@#K off.
 
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and

It's all organised by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organised by the Italians.




The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
 
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are French,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are Greeks and

It's all organised by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organised by the Greeks.


OK I am Greek and proud of it but this is a) Funny b) The correct joke.


Not exactly a joke but my fav. Quote

"Never trust a doctor whose office plants are dead"
 
Husband and wife are sitting out on the deck in the beautiful weather. The wife is drinking wine while the husband reads the paper. Out of no where, the wife says "I love you!". The husband asks if that is her talking or the wine. The wife replies "I was talking to the wine."

What does the fish say when he swims into a concrete wall? Dam!
 
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and was blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."
 
What's the difference between a specialist and a GP?

One treats what you have
The other thinks you have what he treats!

(cynical? Moi? Never!!)
 
diesanduhr said:
Argon walks in to a bar.
Bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve noble gasses."
Argon doesn't react.
Click to expand...

And a variation of this one is:
A Neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. He asks the bartender "how much?" and the bartender replies, "for you, no charge!"
 
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
 
At school little Johnny learns about medicines.

The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of
medicines they know and what they are used for.

The first pupil said: Tylenol?
Very good! And what is it used for?
It is used for headache.

The second pupil said: Nytol
Excellent. And what it is used for?
To help you sleep

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: Viagra
"Johnny. What is it used for?"
I think it can be used for diarrhea.

Who told you this? "Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my
father

"take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder".
 
US RECESSION


The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally....

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Dusty. :)
 
Two doctors having sex .... He said you must be a Surgeon you washed your hands Before and After!! ... She said you must be an Anaesthetist because I didn't feel a thing!!!!

Dusty. :)
 
A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being
the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."
 
A psychiatrist conducted a group therapy session with 4 mothers .. "You all have obsessions,"..

To the 1st mother, he says, "You are obsessed with eating, & even named your daughter Candy" ..

He turned to the 2nd Mother, "You're obsessed with money,& you named your child Penny" ..

He turns to the 3rd Mother,"Your obsession is alcohol, & you named your child Brandy" ..

At this point, the 4th mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand & whispers, "Come on,Dick, we're leaving".
 
A 50ish year old woman is home, NAKED, happily jumping on her bed & squealing with delight ..

Husband watches & asks .. "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? .. What's the matter with you?" ..

The woman continues to bounce on the bed & says, "I don't care what you think .. I just had a mammogram & the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year old ..."

The Husband replies .. "What did he say about your 55-year-old ass?".. Wife replies .. "Your name never came up".
 
Two drunks visit a brothel...

The Madam takes a look at them and says to her manager "Go and put inflatable dolls in 2 bedrooms, These guys are too drunk to notice"...

During the walk home one guy says, "I think my girl was dead. She never moved or made a sound."...

The second guy says, "I think mine was a Witch"..."Why do you think that?" asks the friend..."Well, I bit her on the arse, she farted in my face and then flew out of the friggin' window!"
 
Teacher asks a pupil 'Which part of the body goes to heaven first?...

Pupil Says..."Feet Miss, as I've seen Mum with hers in the air screaming god I'm f*#king coming."
 
Wife says to hubby...

"Bulls have sex 3000 times a year, why can't you?"...

Hubby replies..."Ask the bull if he has sex with the same miserable cow every nite."
 
At a wedding, the DJ asks all the married men to stand next to the person who makes their life worth living.

Unfortunately, the bartender was crushed to death.
 
tumblr_lqwmh4btfw1qd9gmo.jpg
 
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend ...

After having great sex for a couple of hours she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do ...

As he was enjoying it he turned and asked her ... "Why do you love doing that?" ...

Because, she replied ..."I miss mine."
 
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.


'Fred what?' the officer asks.


'Just Fred,' the man responds.


The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker
a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer
then presses him for the last name.


The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The
officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along
with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'


The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.'

'I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.


When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went
through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally
got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored
being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.


Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my
degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.


Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my
assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with
VD.


Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.


Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about
the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD,
leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.


Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
 
After searching exhaustively, the National Colonoscopy Initiative was pleased to announce this week their new spokeswoman: Cameron Diaz.

EDIT: so, of course the best jokes are those you need to explain... :whistleinnocently: I also heard that NCI hired Noah Vale as Chief Colonoscopy Prep Advocate and that the long-time Quality Assurance Nurse, Anita DeGroin, was let go by their Human Resources Manager, Candice Guy.
 
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A divorced man walks over to his ex-wifes new hubby and asked…

So how does it feel enjoying second hand goods?...

Doesn't bother me, he responds...actually once you get past the first 3 inches the rest is all brand new.
 
What do you get when you cross a pit-bull with a hooker?...

The last blow job you'll ever get.
 
Two hookers standing on a corner...

The first one says..."I can smell cock in the air tonight."

The other responds..."Sorry, I just burped."
 
How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? Two calves, an ass, a beaver, a shit load of hares, one camel toe and a fish nobody can find.
 
DustyKat said:
Two hookers standing on a corner...

The first one says..."I can smell cock in the air tonight."

The other responds..."Sorry, I just burped."
Click to expand...

This reminds me of a true story. A friend of mine used to be a public defender. His client was revoked probation due to failing a drug test. She claimed that her boyfriend did the meth, and she only ingested it when she swallowed after a BJ.
 
:rof::rof::rof: stupid is as stupid does. I bet your friend has many stories as a public defender he could write a book. heck, he could retire off the royalties.
 
A bloke was chatting up a woman in a bar and he thought he was getting to home base...

Suddenly she says to him...You are wasting your time chatting ME up mate...

Bloke responds with...Why I thought I was doing a good job at it...

The woman responds back with...Who needs a man when there's Chocolate...

It comes in all flavours and sizes, I can have it morning, noon or night, it's monogamous and satisfies 'ME' when it's hard or soft.
 
A woman answers her phone...

A pervert breathes deeply and whispers..."Have you got a tight, hairy twat?"...

The woman replies..."Yes, he's on the sofa, did you want to speak to him?"
 
:rof::rof::rof::rof::rof: OMG!!! Dusty you are going to have to explain to my surgeon why I fell off the chair and bruised myself. YOU ARE SO BAD my friend. holy moly!! laughing my tushy off big time!!


~Gutless Wonder Woman:D:D:D

Dusty has too much time on her hands now that her kids are in school.
heeee heeeee heee heeee
 
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again...

She put an ad in the local paper that read:... HUSBAND WANTED:... "MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON"...

On the second day, she heard the doorbell...

Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair with no arms or legs. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?"...

"Just look at you! You have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"...

She snorted , "You don't have any arms either!"... Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"...

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed???"... The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
 
A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
 
A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a BAD case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure. Then, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there." The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."
 
An old woman is riding an elevator in a lavish store when a beautiful woman gets in the elevator, smelling of perfume...

She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"...

Another beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and turns to her and says, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"...

The old woman is about to get off the elevator but before she leaves, she looks both women in the eye, bends over and FARTS and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound".
 
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase...

He asks, 'What are you doing?'...

She answers, "I'm moving to Darwin, I heard Prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."...

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom & sees her husband packing his suitcase...

When she asks him where he's going he replies... "I'm coming too, I want to see how you live on $800 a year."
 
Great sex quotes:

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things money can buy."...Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."...Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."...Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances of having a date on Saturday night."...Roger Dangerfield

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex...no matter what she's reading...Steve Jobs

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son - of - a - bitch."...Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."...Barbara Bush

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."...Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they are more comfortable undressing in front of men than they are undressing in front of other women. They say women are too judgemental, where, of course, men are just grateful."...Robert De Niro

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."...Rod Stewart

"Sex at 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."...George Burns

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."...Robin Williams
 
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
 
"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," replied his patient, "I'll come back when you are sober."
 
A man says to his wife...

"I fancy Kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?"...

The wife hastily replies..."No, I might go deaf!"...

To which the man replies..."I've been shooting my load in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fucking talking aren't you?."
 
I Was banging the next door neighbour the other day when we heard a noise ' quick' she said, 'it's my husband - use the back door.'

Well I probably should have run, but you don't get offers like that very often...
 
A man running for the restroom uses the ladies room in a posh hotel by accident...

He sits down and notices 4 buttons - WW - WA - PP and ATR...

Curious he presses WW he gets gently sprayed with Warm Water...

Then he presses WA and a blast of Warm Air dries him...

He then presses PP and gets a Powder Puff which leaves him smelling fresh....

Feeling pampered he presses ATR. He wakes up in the hospital and asks the nurse what happened...

She says ATR means Automatic Tampon Remover, your penis is under the pillow.
 
OMG!!! Dusty quit it!! I'm laughing so hard and falling off my chair. you are going to have to write me a note telling my surgeon NOW why my hiney is sore and it's because of all of these funny jokes you are telling.

Can't stop laughing.....STOP IT STOP IT!! lol... damn girl..what do you do all day besides cracking jokes? Does your husband know what you do all day? heeeee heeeee heeeee we could use you at our ostomy meetings to liven things up. hugs to ya friend!! :hug::hug::hug:


:rof::rof::rof::rof::rof:

~Gutless WW
 
A kid sat on the stairs with his cat and his Smarties...

As his mum watched, he put a Smartie in his mouth, licked the cat and moved down a step...

He then put another Smartie in his mouth, licked the cat again and moved down another step...

His mum, puzzled at his actions, asked..."What are you doing?"...

He replied..."I'm getting some practice in for when I'm older...

"Hows that?" his mum asked..."I'm poppin' pills, lickin' pussy and movin' on".
 
roflmao!! omg!!! DUSTY!!!! you are so BAD to the bone. you are the joke master!!

we are not worthy....:worthy::worthy::worthy::worthy::worthy::worthy:
 
Husband & wife are out shopping...

Husband puts a case of beer in the trolley, wife takes it out and says..."Forget it, we can't afford it."...

Husband says..."But its on sale, it's half price!...

They continue and wife picks up jar of wrinkle cream, husband says..."I thought we didnt have much money?"...

She replies..."Well this makes me beautiful"...

Husband replies with... "So does the beer and it's fuckin' half price!".
 
Two women walked into a department store, stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle. One sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it. "That's nice, isn't it?" Sharon said waving her arm under her friend's nose. "Yeah. What's it called?" "Viens a moi." "Viens a moi? What's that mean?" A clerk offered some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'" Sharon took another sniff. "That doesn't smell like come to me," she said, offering her arm to her friend again. "Does that smell like come to you?"
 
A hen and cock were making love behind the fence of their hen house, when a tom cat came walking by, he heard what was going on and since he hadnt had any in a while he figured he would atlest get a good view. He backed up took a running start and jumped over the fence, where he landed in a mud puddle. so whats the moral of the story? For every happy cock theres a wet pussy!!! hehe
 
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'.

Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"
 
Kramer goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown".

Kramer just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok?"

In a very weak voice Kramer says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."

Kramer said, "Oh Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'
 
A husband reads a book titled "YOU ARE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE!"...

So he announced to his wife..."From now on, You need to know that I'm the Man of the house...my word is LAW!...

You WILL cook & clean for me...you WILL run upstairs & give me the kind of SEX I want ...after, you WILL run me a bath & massage my feet....Oh & guess whose going to comb my hair & dress me in the morning?...

Wife replies..."The fucking Funeral Director would be my first guess."
 
roflmao!!!! good one Dusty!!

yeah, sure....I'll dress you honey.....mismatched socks w/pants and a shirt so you'll look like an idiot. Then I'll gel your hair so it sticks up like Alfalfa from the Little Rascals. take that!! HA!:D:D:D
 
One day Superman is really horny and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing on a beach naked...

He gets an idea...I'm faster than a speeding bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her powers...

So he zooms down & does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice...

All of a sudden Wonder Woman sits up and says..."What the fuck was that?...

Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies..."I don't know but my arse hurts like hell!"
 
Last month the UN conducted a world-wide survey by phone. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"


The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
 
A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in...

When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast...

The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me"...

So the woman replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 69."
 

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