Looooooosing it

[MADiMarc]

I haven't been here in a while and I'm sorry for that. My in laws have moved in and I'm going nutso! My MIL is a quad so, bless her heart, can do nothing for herself. My FIL is VERY hard of hearing and suffers very slight dementia. My MIL is also forgetting things lately. I appear to be the fetch and carry girl. They constantly call me when I am working, and ask me to do every little thing. Now, I did hire a nurse for the time I'm out of the house. I don't want anyone to think I would shut them in the house and go off whistling! The funny thing is that both of them thought they were going to go home from rehab and continue their lives! Oh, dad can handle it, oh, dad will feed me, oh, dad will change me, oh dad will bathe me (you get the picture, right?). I wind up doing all this stuff. Then Joe (my husband, their son) comes home from work and then they have both of us hoping! Well, I guess we had a good run...almost 30 years of really good luck and good living.

I know it is selfish and heartless but I want my life back. The strange thing is I always told my husband that if his parents moved in, I'd be on the next plane out of here. Should have kept my mouth shut I suppose.

 

[Momof2EW]

Sorry to hear all that, the positive side to all that though is they do appreciate your help and I'm sure your husband does as well. I would try and have a sit down with the husband though and explain must how hard and tired it is keeping you. But, Im sure you both would rather have them there then in a nursing home. Those things are just sad to me. You sound like a great daughter-in-law, keep up the good work .

 

[happy]

MADiMarc,
Whew! You must be exhausted. Can you schedule some 'me' time for yourself, even if it is just a bubble bath with a guarantee of not being disturbed? Just being able to gather your thoughts in this type of situation can help a lot.

Has your FIL been formally diagnosed with dementia? Finding out his specific deficits might help the whole family know what he is actually capable of doing--like being able to not disturb you for a set period of time. Perhaps a visiting occupational therapist could help you and the family set up some systems that will protect some time for you, so that you are not 'on-call' all the time.

It is a huge upheaval in your life and it will take a lot of time for everyone to get used to the new reality. Please be sure that you and your husband take time to communicate with each other what you are each willing and able to do. Are you able to schedule some time together, even if it is just for a cup of coffee?

Do you have any family members that can give you some planned, periodic respite? If they live out-of-town, perhaps they could come to your home and the IL's and you could rest at their home, without the IL's? (This also helps the other family members understand what it is really like to 'look after Mom and Dad' and they often are more forthcoming with support, time and/or money, afterwards.) What about respite from a home support agency? Could you connect with any others in this situation?

Elder care can put enormous stress on a family. You are not being selfish to want your old life back. It is very important that you have lots of support, especially if you have an IBD yourself.

Sending you a hug. :hug: