Marraige over

[fof]

Last year I was rushed into hospital had some intestine removed and wastold I had crohns. This came out of the blue at the age of 49. 1 year later and my marraige is over. My wife anounced that she was fed up with me being ill and wants me to leave. Well I'm gutted. In fairness this was as much a surprise to her as it was me and it's not what she signed up for. I'm not a whinger when I'm ill but I have struggled this last year, phisicly and financially. (I am self employed). but I pulled it round on my own with very little support. I started back to work too early after my op and I now have a hernia wich needs fixing and it seems to be too much for her. We have been married exactly 25 years and I find that I'm on my own facing the prospect of finding somwhere to live whilst undergoing another operation followed by 2 months off work again. Life can be cruel sometimes can't it.

 

[butt-eze]

That is sooooo devastating to hear. Although she may not have signed up for this struggle it is in your vows! In sickness and in health is quite standard. My husband stuck by my side while I was in a coma for a month, and endured 6 months of recovery. All while he was taking care of our then 10 month old. I'm sure it sucked for him but I would do it for him.
I know that she has likely made up her mind but that is just a mess. I feel for you and wish you the best of luck in finding your way through this. Shame on your wife!!!

 

[D Bergy]

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Since my wife and myself have both been sick in the last few years, we have kind of taken care of each other. That is why I have been so determined to resolve my Crohn's. I just can't afford to be ill when my wife needs my help. Luckily I have resolved it quickly as she is not out of the woods yet.

It may look grim now, but when one part of life ends, another begins. There is no reason why the next part can't be better than the first. Us people with Crohn's are tough SOB's, and you will get through this.

Feel free to vent here. We are used to adversity and we are here to help any way we can.

Dan Bergman

 

[num1habsfan]

Man, I'm still too young to even think about getting married yet, so I cant really understand how you feel, but I DO know how you feel about needed that certain someone there for you to keep your fight going....no offense but thats a pretty awful thing to do on her behalf. I dont call that much of commitment!!

~ Lisa ~

 

[Guest]

i'm so sorry to hear that fof, talk about bad timing

i've kinda been through similar - my crohns was diagnosed just before i got married, my extensive surgery (which almost killed me, literally) was just after - and yes those exact words you used "not what he signed up for" went through my mind, and i gave him the opt out option. we stuck together for years after, but my illness was always a blot on his horizon, and the care just wasnt there. although married, i always felt on my own with it all. & it ended, like i suppose it was always going to.

i agree with dan, we are tough cookies - we have to be, to put up with crohns and all its delights... i hope your fighting spirit gets you through these hard times, and sees you back in control and starting to enjoy your life again very soon.

 

[Garden Lover]

i'm so sorry to hear this sad report.
life sure isn't fair sometimes. it's had enough to struggle daily to get our health back and then this............... i can relate to rough times in a marriage due to health issues.........it's not a easy ride for us and it's now 49 years.....when we both retired and i couldn't travel due to cronic 'd' he said..........'THIS ISN'T THE WAY I PLANNED MY RETIREMENT.................:ybatty: LIKE IT WAS WHAT I'D PLANNED FOR HELL'S SAKE.............:ymad:
PRAYERS WILL GO UP FOR YOUR STRENGTH.

 

[Shoeless]

Yeah it can be. I lost one marriage, and my current so called girlfriend is on her way out. She can't understand how I can't do al of what she thinks I should do. (also I'm 17 years older than her) I just had a dr give me something where I can get handicapped plates and he says he wants to put me on remmicade.(Not my crohn's dr, but my arthritis dr) So I feel your pain Fof. I don't feel sorry for myself, but i know I now have limitations. It's tough sometimes when you were so active, I mean 10 years ago I was fighting in martial arts, now sometimes it's hard to walk. I just have to adjust.

 

[Kev]

Life can be cruel. But sometimes that cruelty can be kindness in disguise. What am I blathering about. You've had a quick onset with a rapid, accurate diagnosis. The future may be looking pretty bleak to you right now, but consider how much worse it might have been. Instead of this disease, you might have been hit with a disease with more impairment, or little or no hope for the future. You might have been injured, crippled, disabled... and left to the mercy of someone who apparently can't handle, or can't be bothered with, any long term or serious illness, incapacity, convalescence, etc.. Imagine being in a situation where you may have been completely bedridden, totally dependant, AND then your spouse takes a walk. Get yourself an excellent divorce lawyer. I dunno where you live, but most modern countries do consider alimony a 2 way street these days. Regardless of gender, leaving a spouse of 25 years in the lurch on the basis of health.... welllll, it won't win "anyone" any hero cookies. I am not suggesting you pursue this out of vengeance (your and your wife's financial circumstances aside for the moment - it's really your own personal business) I just mention it as you do have an illness and a responsibilty to look out for #1

 

[ruthymg]

Hi, sorry to her about your situation. I can totally relate to how you feel. I'd had 6 years on and off of problems before I was diagnosed and then eventually I was told I had crohns in March 2001. Exactly 2 months later my partner of 9 years and father of my son said he couldn't deal with it anymore. The cruel thing is though, he thought it would be better to have an affair so that I would be the one to finish the relationship, knowing that I totally against infidelity of any form. I guess this was his way of easing some of the guilt, who knows?????? After 12 months of numerous hospital admissions and an all round very tough time in my life (thank god I have a fantastic family) I met my perfect partner who nursed me back to health. 2 years later we were married and we have since had a child together and life is rosy. (I'm also in remission) The point to all this is that if she isn't strong enough to deal with all the pain etc then be strong and move on. No amount of trying to talk her round will benefit you, it will just make her resent you even more. Eventually, in time, when you have had some quality recovery time to yourself you may want to consider another relationship. I the meantime, its least of your worries. What you need right now is some very good friends. I hope all works out for you.


Ruth