Mars versus Venus in CD

[AndiGirl]

In my family there seems to be an equal number of female and male CD sufferers. My immediately family has my brother and I. After joining this forum, I've noticed that there have been many differences in how my brother and I have suffered with the disease. I wanted to see if it was mainly because of gender difference. I realize that everybody is different and handles being sick in different ways. I do think men and women react and handle stress and sickness in different ways. My brother and I did a lot of talking and mentioned our CD quite a bit in our last visit. I needed support and I had to break the ice with him. He is one that isn't much of a talker normally. He's my big, protective brother, so naturally he warmed up when he realized that I was hurting and stressed to my limits.

Here's his take on the differences in way we suffer from CD:

Andi- Worries too much and focuses on the worst case scenarios; cries too easily; doesn't slow down or rest enough when sick; needs to talk when sick; mood swings; and needs support. He also says that I panic and make the situation worse. Wants to understand the disease and why things are the way they are.

Randy- Knows there's nothing he can do about the illness except follow the doctor's orders and cope; wants to be left alone when he's sick; knows when to rest and knows his limits; tends to be short tempered when he's not feeling good and wouldn't be good at accepting advice or support during a flare-up. Just knows that CD is making him sick, the basic information is fine, touchy feely stuff weirds him out.

I thought about this and would have to agree that in many ways he's right on. I think in some ways he has a better grip on handling the disease than I do. I have been in such bad pain at times that all I could do was curl up and cry. I know that's not productive, but that can be my reaction.

Have you noticed gender differences and in what ways?

 

[Tummytroubles]

Hi Andi,

I am 24 and was diagnosed with crohn's in 2008. One of my work friends, male, is 40 and was diagnosed with about 20 years ago.

I seem to be a lot more stressed about it then he is - this could be because I've only had a little over 2 years to deal and he has had 20 or it could be because he is male and I'm female?

He is pretty open to discussing things with me, especially when I was first diagnosed and was really scared. But he never REALLY talked about how he felt about it or anything. I've never seen him get MAD, like I've gotten MAD (like crazy mad before). MOODSWINGS=My middle name!

This is just me thinking this with no real back up - but maybe men want to be left alone when sick because they don't want to seem 'weak'??

I shut down a lot of the time when I'm sick, because I'm sick of answering the questions 'how are you feeling?' with a negative answer. I, too, curl up and cry sometimes. (maybe the boys do too-but they don't admit it)

I easily get mad when I think of how I used to be - confident! Not anymore... its hard when you feel the way we feel most of the time. Guys are programmed differently. Maybe they have it right to worry less and just accept it. But I don't think that we are in the wrong because we are opposite (although, worrying less may help with some symtons - stress is a b****)

Sorry, I ramble! and most of the time don't make sense! - the prednisone! I'm so tired but can't ever get to sleep and stay asleep. (I'm an 8 hour + of sleep a night kind of girl and i'm lucky to get 4 these days!) So forgive me!

Hope you get some answers - Interesting topic!
S

 

[AndiGirl]

I think not being able to talk about feelings is a guy thing in general. No need to apologize for rambling. I'm sure many of us are functioning on different levels of sleep deprivation and Prednisone effects and withdrawl symptoms.

 

[Jennifer]

I don't know any guys who have Crohn's but I guess that's a good thing. I'm like your brother Randy though where I've accepted the illness and go by what my doctors tell me to do (not whatever they say, I know a quack when I see one), I know my limits, I'm not touchy feely either although I don't care if I'm left alone when I'm sick or not just as long as you don't try to play doctor with a pointless lecture. This could be because I've had it for 20 years now and was forced to cope at a young age (9 years old) thus this is really the only life I know.

 

[monkey]

I'm doing some research at the moment about a support group for patients with a balance disorder (has a lot of parallels with CD-hidden disorder that people don't understand, debilitating, treatments don't work for everyone, tests don't always show something wrong, long term and varying problems). The people who attend the support group have active coping strategies, ie, they plan, get information, engage with their illness and work with it. These people also have a better understanding of the condition but feel their problems are more variable than the non-attenders.
Interesting I think, how, sitting here, feeling all of these things, my research reflects my thoughts and feelings.
Anyway, have stumbled upon lots of interesting research about men not seeking support as readily as women. In particular, men don't seek social support, which is simply the act of talking to other people . . .
I was hoping my research would be heavily weighted in the female direction, then it could have been entitled 'why don't men ask for directions . . . .' sadly, it wasn't to be!!

 

[Jennifer]

I don't think I'm like you or your brother when it comes to doctors Andi. My best one I was able to joke around with cause I knew him for over ten years at that point and he said I was his, "favorite patient." If laughter is the best medicine, everyone should have been in that room while we were both in it.

After not having him anymore I never tried to find a GI that had as good of a bed side manner as him but at least wanted one who knew what the hell they were talking about. I never knew that I could know more than some of them and stopped seeing them instantly and went somewhere else.

The one I have now I can't joke around with as much but that doesn't bother me because he knows his stuff and takes the time I need to explain things to me and answer all of my questions. He's also open to my suggestions since I've been dealing with the disease for so long, probably longer than he's been a GI.

 

[MADiMarc]

Andi,
Good topic.
I have known 2 guys with this disease. I really did not like them as "people" so I did what I could not to be around them! Everything that was wrong in their lives was Crohn's related. Job sucked? Because of Crohn's. Didn't get a raise? Because of Crohn's. Speeding ticket? Because of the Crohn's. Didn't win the lottery? You get the picture. It couldn't have been that they were at fault at all; everything was the Crohn's. And no one (according to them) had it worse then they did. They were the sickest people on the planet. Did I mention they were brothers?
I personally like to be left alone when I am sick. I will and will continue to share details of my illness on this forum but as for in everyday life, I answer questions only.
As for doctors, I don't want a touchy feely kind of person. I want someone that is knowledgable, that will answer my questions, that will take my suggestions seriously. If they look like a troll and act like an ape, I really don't care!
Michele

 

[AndiGirl]

Andi,
Good topic.
If they look like a troll and act like an ape, I really don't care!
Michele

That comment tickled my funny bone, Michele. LOL! I have to say that Dr. Sweeney, my old coot GI, is nothing to look at. That's why I also found Randy's, my brother's, joking comment about being interested in him funny. I have been getting better about not being bothered by my doctor's bedside manner. My general doctor is very kind, thorough, and has terrific communication skills. My dentist is kind, but he seems kind of shy. Dr. Sweeney, is hard for me to warm up to because he is all business and he doesn't make any attempt to be nice and personable. He reminds me of a gruff, crude, old fisherman rather than a GI doctor. I will stick it out with him though.

This forum is terrific for support. I tried to talk Randy into joining, but he's not into computer forums, and is naturally shy and somewhat reserved. I think he could use the support, but he'll have to decide that for himself.