My babygirl.....

[ravyn142003]

My daughter won't discuss with me my illness. We are so close in our hearts but we live 3 hours away since 3 yrs. ago. We miss each other so bad and due to gas prices we don't get to see each other that much. But......When I try to let her know what's going on and talk to her about the crohns colitis, she gets very quiet and very withdrawn. I'm so worried about her and I want to see her and my grandchildren so bad but I can't because I'm not up for traveling at this time. I hope that I will be come Christmas. I know that she crys in the solace of her own space and I so want to go to her and give her my love and hold her in my arms like I used to. She is taking this the hardest, but she is also keeping her feelings and concerns to herself.

How can I get her to relax and open up about this? She is my babygirl and I love her beyond words and vise versa. WE talk all the time on the phone and communicate thru emails but it's not the same. She wants me to move back where they live so badly, and I almost have left my husband because I miss them so badly! What can I do to help her? I pray everyday and I know that God has his loving hand on all of us. I know that she feels him too! But her sorrow is unspoken and I really am worried about her.........

 

[Karen]

Hello Again Chrissy ... I must admit something to you and that is my husband is the one with CROHN'S & it's hard for him to deal with it too but it's only been 1 year & so ... When I told him about this board & told him that he could find some wonderful support here he just kept to himself so ... I am the one that has come here and the kids here have been wonderful & even though they are YOUNG they still made me feel welcome here & I have made plenty of friends here & so I wanted to tell you that I will keep your daughter in prayer & if your wanting a FRIEND to chat with or even WRITE E MAIL too we can exchange e mail addresses really soon ... so keep your chin up and I will see you soon !!

Hugs & Blessings Always,

 

[Jeff D.]

Hey, keep praying as it will help you deal with this problem and allow you to keep moving on. If you need someone to talk to you could email me which is in my profile.

 

[devildee(donna2005)LOL]

Hi

i think the only thing you can do is give your daughtertime she will talk to you when she is readyy (((hugs))) to you and your familly x

 

[ruthymg]

I'm so sorry, you're both unhappy at the moment. It seems your daughter is obviously finding it difficult to accept that mum is poorly. Even though she is an adult it still is difficult to know that one of your parents is ill, especially when you are so close. I suspect she doesn't want to talk about it because she doesn't want to think about it. Whilst ever its not mentioned, everything seems normal - mums not ill and all that. I wouldn't pressure her to open up, she will talk in her own time, pressuring may make her withdraw further. I too have problems with my son finding it difficult to tell me when he's worried about me. He's only 13 and on several occasions when I have been in hospital, I have heard from other people that he asks about me and worries how I am but never asks me himself. He's also been upset on quite a few occasions at school. Hopefully she has a friend that she talks about her worries to and so feels that she doesn't need to discuss it with you as it may upset you seeing her upset and this may make your symptoms worse. She probably realises that stress will do you no favours. Try reassuring her that you'll be ok, it may help. Whatever the reasons, eventually she will come to terms with it, it will just take a little time. I hope you can sort this out, in the meantime try not to worry too much about it, all will come good in the end.


Ruth

 

[skeet]

Wish I had some advice for you, but you've already heard from others the same things I would say.

My son is okay with my condition. The thing he can't talk about is when I was hospitalized and it was very iffy whether I would live. Every day he was told, "If she makes it though another twenty-four hours ..." only to hear the same thing again, the next day and the next. (I had acute respiratory distress syndrome [ARDS] as the result of blood poisoning after my guts ruptured.) We had only just moved to Hawaii. Neither of us had even made any friends yet and none of our family came to be with him (or with me.) It's been over twelve years, and he still can't/won't talk about the fear and lonliness of those days. Can you imagine being 22 years old, alone, and trying not to think about planning your mother's funeral?

I'm keeping you and your daughter in my thoughts. Just keep trying to be positive and supportive with her, as she is with you.

 

[Cara Fusinato]

My story is the opposite. I have it and it very much upsets my mom to talk about it. It's taken lots of months for both of us to get comfortable about it, and she still freaks out if I start to hurt a little. Give it time and you both will come to terms with it and learn to communicate about it too.

 

[mikeyarmo]

I understand your wanting to discuss this with your daughter, and also your wish to not have to talk about this through e-mail. I think that the best way really might be a hand-written letter (anyone still remember those things ). This is more personal than an e-mail and less confrontational than a direct talk. You can write down your feelings about the situation and what you would like to happen this way. Using "I" statments, say what you feel like not being able to talk about this with her and wanting her to be comfortable with talking to you about this. Ask her to phone/speak/e-mail/write back to you about what she thinks about this. This gives her time to answer the question in the way she feels most comfortable with. If after a bit of time you do not hear back from her, then you can ask her directly if she received the letter and if she had thought about it or was going to reply back to it. Make sure you photocopy the letter though so you have a back up in case it is lost or anything.

Let her know that your condition does not mean you are not the same person. Find out what scares her the most about it, or why she becomes withdrawn. Let her know that this disease is more common than she might have thought (I for one had no idea of it 5 years ago... so it would not be surprising for your daughter not to know a lot about it). If you have any literature/books or a good site that will give her some information on the diesease share it with her. I think the stigma of "disease" and the unknown of what it really is may frighten your daughter a bit. Try and get her to see that it does not mean you are a different person or are a "sick" person.

Make sure she knows your true feelings, and feels comfortable sharing hers with you. Even if you do see her this holiday season, consider leaving a note for her in her room or something like that so it still is less confrontational, and so it does not cause an arguement that could ruin the season for everyone.

Good luck and I hope you can keep us posted.

 

[Cara Fusinato]

Great advice from Mike. Great advice about the holiday time too. It's a hard time of year to make progress on any issue in any family without risking some form of feeling that lasts for years. Christmas makes me very sad each year and this goes back about 15 years to one unpleasant Christmas. Back to the issue at hand. It IS important that your daughter realize you are the same person, and that your relationship should not change due to this. Relationships are more important to people like us who have lost something else. Keep us posted, we are all thinking of you.

 

[Jeff D.]

Great advice Mike.

 

[Valentina]

I have a bit of a different perspective on the whole "talking about it thing". Im the sick one, and for the first 10 years I was the one who wouldnt talk about it.. to anyone. I didnt want to hear about it, have anyone ask about it, or how I was. I was mad that people close to me seemed to want to make it such a part of life where I felt it took over conversations and too much of my time energy and emotions. It took me a long time to get on the other side of that, and now Im sure I talk about it too much. lol, my family and Jonny get to hear way more than Im sure is fair. I guess this will take over at times, and we just have to learn to make sure we save some room for other things as well

I think as long as your talking with your daughter, and have a close strong relationship, crohns wont get in the way of that. Maybe just be patient, and let her come to it in her own time.. just my opinion of course.

I hope your well, and that you have a great Christmas with your family.

 

[ravyn142003]

I really appreciate everyone's advice and passion for my situation. I've been pretty deppressed lately not being with her and my grandchildren for Thanksgiving. Acutally I haven't seen them in months. Oh long story but as far as being patient with her and the other things that you all have offered here.....Thankyou so much and I will surely try to do all of them. She is my little mini me and we are so close and she has been distraught ever since I moved here and well it's taken a tole on our relationship and then coming down with this crohn thing. But I'm keeping positive and giving her my unconditional love and we talk about everything else but and that's okay with me...........Thanks!

 

[DannyB]

All the best with Everything Chrissy. Hope things improve for you soon.

 

[lau]

maybe if you give her the information that you are recieving help her understand about the disease itself wait a little while to talk to her about yourself having it. maybe if you just tell her about what the illness is about how it can be managed. just give her information maybe shes freaking out because she doesnt understand it. tell her that you would like to be able to share and talk about withher so it doesnt frighten her. maybe she doesnt want to hear about it because you have the distance between you and she scared that she cant help you because of the distance. i think if you just help her with the knowledge that you have then she may eventually open up to it a be able to cope with it. i hope it all goes well for you and your daughter. im sure she just feels helpless to what is happening to you.

 

[ravyn142003]

Thanks......I think alot of it is that she is so far away and that she still hasn't accepted me moving here and to know that I am sick really makes her so sad and she just won't talk about the illness. I wish I had never moved here. I changed my whole life and I am so full of regrets. My biggest regret is moving away from her and my grandchildren! She's 23 and has her own life but she still needs me and I think she is afraid. She and I are so very close and well.........both of us are greiving.