my mind is in constant battle with thaughts of my dad. im 37 have had symptoms of cd since i was 4. diagnosed in 97. was always a sick underweight child. had strep throat 8 times one yr and had tonsils removed. i always looked up to my dad. he always has been a workaholic. he doesnt let things like physical mental pain get him down.he lost his leg in a motorcycle accident and was working remotely from home right after then returning to work when he got his prostesis and without pain pills. im so glad he didnt lose his life. he just always seems to keep going. he tried instilling this in me which i feel im like that most the time as im still here after a the battles ive faught. unfortunately he left when i was 13 and left the parenting job to my mom who took it real hard and fell into a deep depression. she always was compassionate and nuturing which my dad lacked(remembering the worst flares ive had and he was forcing me to eat a peanut butter and banana sandwich had a fever of 105.4 20 bmsday. lost 15 lbs that week)i know its lack of knowledge but he lacks compassion as he gave me a sandwich 2 asprin and went to bed. it was his first time he had experienced one of my flares. he still expected to go me to work. this is when i lived with him for 6 months when i was 28.hadnt seen him much between 13 till then. i lost my mom 3 yrs ago but she had brain surgery in 03 and was paralysed and couldnt talk but i felt her spirit. she never had energy so it was up to me to take care of my brother and me. i kept in contact with my dad over the yrs. although i wonder why i try since ive had one phone call since 08 from him. ive been on disability since 07 which he disapproves of. i have severe crohns,vertigo which prevents me from driving hyperthyroidism psoriasis one kidney, disk degen with stenosis had surgery on neck, osteoarthritis osteioperosis,history of pancreatitis,gul stone surgery,pmdd social anxiety depression and im severely allergic to most meds including crohns ones, also said i have borderline autism. what a battle. but i keep going. my issue is i love my dad and just want his acceptance and want him in my life without him thinking im a failure. my docs told me to file disability . which i worked for 5 yrsafter they first told me to. my job to me is tking care of my beautiful 4 yr old. which isnt satisfying my dad as every coversation always has the question found a job yet? which breaks my heart. i wish i could always be as strong as him. but he hasnt been there to really see the extent of my issues. i was in the hospital when he got into his accident and after i got out offered to come help him he refused and wanted to do it on his own. i believe in mind body spirit but im broke .flaring and depression has sat in. im severely lonesome.somedays i want to forget my dad exsists. but i keep hanging on to hope that he will come around. sorry for so much rambling have so much on my plate and noone in real life for support. im lost. thank you to anyone who replies with advice, insight, support or thier own story. much love to all of you:hug:
My fathers expectaions. i need help.
- Thread starter plantluvr
- Start date
Help Support Crohn's Disease Forum:
- Joined
- Dec 27, 2012
- Messages
- 2,318
Hello hun
Firstly thankyou for sharing! That can't of been easy to write out.
Let me reassure you that you are doing soooo well! You aren't the only one that struggles to work with this illness when it's flaring, and it isn't a weakness . Personally I think there is nothing wrong with being home to take care of your child either, it's a shame that parents don't get more acknowledgement for being hands on.
This disease is hard enough on its own, nevermind with all those other complications, and it's such a pitty that your father can't see that. My family also taught me not to let illness stop me and to try and carry on, I went to uni even though I'd already had the Mri for crohns, although I wasn't as bad to start. My illness made me drop out and I was sooo worried about letting everyone down, but my parents were very understanding and just glad I was home where they could take care of me.
Maybe a big part of your dad's distance is his misunderstanding? Perhaps if he knew more about your condition he would take more interest and be more sympathetic? Is there a way you could persuade him to come to a Doctors visit or maybe even just read a little of this forum so he can see what this is really like? Just a thought.
You ARE strong, getting this far with so many complications is a true sign of that, and your beautiful child is lucky to have a parent like you. Remember we are all here for you whenever you need us. Sending lots of hugs.
Firstly thankyou for sharing! That can't of been easy to write out.
Let me reassure you that you are doing soooo well! You aren't the only one that struggles to work with this illness when it's flaring, and it isn't a weakness . Personally I think there is nothing wrong with being home to take care of your child either, it's a shame that parents don't get more acknowledgement for being hands on.
This disease is hard enough on its own, nevermind with all those other complications, and it's such a pitty that your father can't see that. My family also taught me not to let illness stop me and to try and carry on, I went to uni even though I'd already had the Mri for crohns, although I wasn't as bad to start. My illness made me drop out and I was sooo worried about letting everyone down, but my parents were very understanding and just glad I was home where they could take care of me.
Maybe a big part of your dad's distance is his misunderstanding? Perhaps if he knew more about your condition he would take more interest and be more sympathetic? Is there a way you could persuade him to come to a Doctors visit or maybe even just read a little of this forum so he can see what this is really like? Just a thought.
You ARE strong, getting this far with so many complications is a true sign of that, and your beautiful child is lucky to have a parent like you. Remember we are all here for you whenever you need us. Sending lots of hugs.
By sound of things, your are never going to get your father acceptance for be ill. So I am not said giving up and instead of worrying yourself about it.
Keep contact with your father but live your life in way that best for you and your child. I am stay home mum with 3 daughters age 16,13 and 9. I would love to have a part job or full job but I have always be here the girls went home from school and went they need me for chat or hug.
What I saying is you what right for you and health and child.
Keep contact with your father but live your life in way that best for you and your child. I am stay home mum with 3 daughters age 16,13 and 9. I would love to have a part job or full job but I have always be here the girls went home from school and went they need me for chat or hug.
What I saying is you what right for you and health and child.
Hi plantluvr - I am sorry to hear that you are broke 
You have been through a hell of a lot.. and I dont think I could have lasted as long as you have.
I agree with valleysangel that it is probably a lack of understanding of your condition. Also, you mentioned about having borderline autism, as you are aware that the autism scale is very varied. Maybe your dad is somewhat further on that scale? This lack of emotional understanding makes me think this..?
I also agree with josephine.. that he is probably not going to change now.
It took me several years to get to a place where I honestly dont care what my mum thinks anymore and im not bothered about having a relationship with her.
A counsellor once said to me - if I had the opportunity to tell my mum everything.. how I feel when she lets me down etc -in an environment where she couldn't talk back and just had to listen - what would it achieve??
Nothing.. she is somebody who believes her own lies.. and no matter how much I reasoned with her.. she would never change.
I think talking this through with a counsellor could help.. maybe family counselling where he could come too? Worrying about what he thinks of you will only play on your mind and make you feel worse.
On the flip side, you obviously care a lot.. and since your mother passed it is understandable to want to make you father/daughter relationship work.
Im sending you big hugs :hug: and hope you can find peace soon xx
You have been through a hell of a lot.. and I dont think I could have lasted as long as you have.
I agree with valleysangel that it is probably a lack of understanding of your condition. Also, you mentioned about having borderline autism, as you are aware that the autism scale is very varied. Maybe your dad is somewhat further on that scale? This lack of emotional understanding makes me think this..?
I also agree with josephine.. that he is probably not going to change now.
It took me several years to get to a place where I honestly dont care what my mum thinks anymore and im not bothered about having a relationship with her.
A counsellor once said to me - if I had the opportunity to tell my mum everything.. how I feel when she lets me down etc -in an environment where she couldn't talk back and just had to listen - what would it achieve??
Nothing.. she is somebody who believes her own lies.. and no matter how much I reasoned with her.. she would never change.
I think talking this through with a counsellor could help.. maybe family counselling where he could come too? Worrying about what he thinks of you will only play on your mind and make you feel worse.
On the flip side, you obviously care a lot.. and since your mother passed it is understandable to want to make you father/daughter relationship work.
Im sending you big hugs :hug: and hope you can find peace soon xx
People brag about what they work through, while bringing others down, oblivious to the damage they are doing. He left you when you were 13. Then gave you terrible care when you had a fever of 105. If I had a nickel for everytime I've seen a good kid chase after a bad parent...
DustyKat
Super Moderator
- Joined
- May 8, 2010
- Messages
- 16,275
I am so very sorry for all you you have been through and are going through, how difficult and heartbreaking for you.
It is only natural for a child to crave the acceptance of a parent and unfortunately there will be those that never meet up to the expectations of a loved one. :ghug: This is through no fault of their own but the unrealistic expectations of the parent. I agree with counselling hun. You are a loving and compassionate woman who is doing a wonderful job of not only taking care of herself but of your daughter and that is something to be very proud of. You need someone to talk to who can validate what you are feeling and put into perspective what you are dealing with regarding your father.
Your Dad has had his own trauma to deal with but his trauma is not yours and the legacy an amputation leaves is not the legacy your disease leaves. It is akin to comparing apples and oranges and it is wrong of him to do so. I appreciate that he likely doesn't understand but in my own personal opinion it is a very poor excuse in this day and age. It is his choice not to be educated about a disease that his child suffers with and so he is the one who needs to step up to the plate, his not doing so is no failure on your part.
Sending you loads of love and warm wishes that you find peace and contentment in the relationship with your dad. :heart:
:hang:
Dusty. xxx
It is only natural for a child to crave the acceptance of a parent and unfortunately there will be those that never meet up to the expectations of a loved one. :ghug: This is through no fault of their own but the unrealistic expectations of the parent. I agree with counselling hun. You are a loving and compassionate woman who is doing a wonderful job of not only taking care of herself but of your daughter and that is something to be very proud of. You need someone to talk to who can validate what you are feeling and put into perspective what you are dealing with regarding your father.
Your Dad has had his own trauma to deal with but his trauma is not yours and the legacy an amputation leaves is not the legacy your disease leaves. It is akin to comparing apples and oranges and it is wrong of him to do so. I appreciate that he likely doesn't understand but in my own personal opinion it is a very poor excuse in this day and age. It is his choice not to be educated about a disease that his child suffers with and so he is the one who needs to step up to the plate, his not doing so is no failure on your part.
Sending you loads of love and warm wishes that you find peace and contentment in the relationship with your dad. :heart:
:hang:
Dusty. xxx
thank you all for replying! it surely helped getting that out. im just dealing with so much right now that i guess my feelings about my dad resurfaced but i always know things will be ok regardless but right now just sick and in a funk. you guys are wonderful people who deal with so much. im finally glad i could share something as ive been shooshed so long by my husband. he told me yesterday, that he doesn know why i come to this forum that nobody gives a f@*$. i want out!!!*crying* i have noone were staying with friends atm but if im not well and having fun they really dont want to be around me. but i try to keep my moods high dont want to bring them down. its whats really going on. i need to leave to leave my abusive selfish immature husband and have nowhere to go feeling stuck . so of course homelessness is not a option because of my daughter. but i hate this!! i want to rip my hair out! all i want is love. im not easy to deal with but ive alwys sincerely apologised. im sorry i need to get this out! i feel horrible! i want a quiet place to raise my girl and i cant give it to her! im so angry at myself. i left a beautiful quiet home t far away from this hell to come back cuz my husband was homesick. biggest mistake ever! so yeah current issues making me think of my dad. homelessness seems like it would be heaven! this is hell! sorry for ranting again feel weak and hopeless.
I am so sorry you are going through all this. It sounds like your environment is toxic to your health. I am sure all the stress you are under is not helping. Is there anywhere you can go to possibly speak to someone ( like a counselor?).They may be able to help you get in the right direction. It sounds like your hubby is not very understanding either. Living with a chronic illness is not easy at all. I am sorry your dad went through that accident and lost his leg. That had to be rough. But there is a difference between losing a limb and being sick chronically everyday. My brother lost his right hand due to a work accident, it was awful for him. But he had adapted to doing things now and he is not in any pain at all from the accident. He lives a very happy good life. When one has a debilitating illness, it is not so easy. Pain is a costant thing sometimes and the symptoms of digestive distress with any disease is hard to deal with.
It is unfortunate that for most of society that is not sick or has no experience with being chronically ill, well, they just do not have the understanding or empathy towards those that do. It is very sad. I lost most of my so called friends when I got sick. I am not diagnosed with crohns, but I have been having issues for 2 years now. I have other health issues as well. I can tell you that most healthy people do not get it. My own brother does not get it at all. He thinks I should just forget about my illnesses and they would get better. That is pure ignorance talking in my opinion. So easy to spew advice when you are a healthy individual looking at someone's else's misfortune.
Try and see if you can get some help, get in to talk to someone. I mean maybe they can help you figure out a plan.. Hang in there...
It is unfortunate that for most of society that is not sick or has no experience with being chronically ill, well, they just do not have the understanding or empathy towards those that do. It is very sad. I lost most of my so called friends when I got sick. I am not diagnosed with crohns, but I have been having issues for 2 years now. I have other health issues as well. I can tell you that most healthy people do not get it. My own brother does not get it at all. He thinks I should just forget about my illnesses and they would get better. That is pure ignorance talking in my opinion. So easy to spew advice when you are a healthy individual looking at someone's else's misfortune.
Try and see if you can get some help, get in to talk to someone. I mean maybe they can help you figure out a plan.. Hang in there...
i wanted to update. i sent my dad a txt. and the best outcome. he finally gets it!! am at peace. thank you guys. i didnt know how to really open up. this place is so full of compassion. i will return to my journey of helping others. thank you for waking me up. may you all be blessed. random acts of kindness one day at a time.:hug::kiss:
Similar threads
