My head is so messed up

[mwb3779]

This is a vent thread. I have not been on here much in the last week or so. My head is completely messed up. My birthday was last Sunday. I feel much older than my 31 years yet at the same time I feel so, I don't know younger?? Not in the good way. I hate the fact that everything has stopped in my life. EVERYTHING! It seems that the only fun I have now is with my Facebook games. How messed up is that. I live in my parents basement plaing computer games. When did it get this way? Why the hell can't everything just go back to normal. Whatever the **** normal is!!! Maybe this is normal now. Feeling like **** 24/7 not wanting to be around anyone including my wonderful loving parents. I don't even want to talk to friends anymore. I used to come on here and have so much fun talking with my friends on here. Things changed, not that its anyones fault.... but its changed. Nothing I can do about it. I want to move the hell home but I'm scared to death I won't be able to make it anymore. I have been getting worse but I can't really do anything about that either except hope my dr may give a **** this time when I come in for problems. I am on a state assistance program that is for healthy adults. Something I am clearly not!! I don't qualify for anything other than a little assistance from the state. Meds and certain dr visits. Last time I went to have blood work done to check if my meds are killing me or not, I find out that my "insurance" won't pay for it. Just a reg blood panel no other checks. So here I am now hoping I am not dying from a med that is supposed to be helping me. Although I am NOT getting any better. The exhaustion and insomnia is getting a point that I am not able to handle. I hate the fact I can't live a normal ******* life!!!!! I am not good enough for anyone it seems. The girl I love doesn't love me anymore, its hard to talk to her about it. I just sent her an email telling her that if I'm not worth anything to her then I can't continue to be here. She wants to be friends, needs a friend but nothing more. Things are supposed to get better with age, right? Well mine has certainly gone to the dumper. No matter what I think or try its gone. Life seems to just be heading faster and faster to the dead end I see in front of me. I'm not sure I even care anymore. Why the hell should I? No point anymore.

 

[Guestly]

Mike,

I care. I don't claim to know how you feel, but I think I have an inkling of understanding. I'm 37, can't work, incontinent, in pain, skint.... Yeh it stinks.

Your vent sounds very sad and desperate, I want you to get off the PC and go upstairs and spend some time with your wonderful parents. Don't beat yourself up. I'm at my mums being looked after like a child at the moment... Know what? I'm damn grateful I have her...

Sometimes this disease sucks us down so we feel like we're wading through our own ****. Don't let it beat you. Everyone on this forum is rooting for you, and I am praying for you to have a less melancholy mood.

Keep fighting Mike.

 

[Fog Ducker]

I care buddy!

Yeah this disease sucks, big time! But you cant let it get the best of you.
Your ex doesnt want to be with you, yeah that hurts, but you know there are millions of others out there who could. Work on feeling better, then find one.

I was in a similar situation, gf didnt want me, had to live with dad, didnt wanna see a sole. Only came out to eat, which was rare. But thats no way to live.
Lishy is right go up stairs and talk to your parents, doesnt have to be about how your feeling, just someone to talk to. I know what its like to just wanna crawl in a hole and hide forever, but you cant, you have to see that that things will get better. It wont always be like this, and in time you willl look back on this moment and shake your head. I know I sure do, Yeah things are tough, but it will make you stronger in the end.

In my case I actually had only my dad around and didnt even have the energy to talk to him, but he was stubborn and wouldnt leave me alone. We have never had a great relationship, but now I talk to him everyday, I now consider him a close friend. Go up and find that relationship with your parents.

Hang in there buddy, Im sure things will turn around for you.

Is there no way to get on a different insurance that will pay for that stuff?

 

[shazamataz]

Mike, I DEFINITELY care a lot about you.

I am so very sorry to hear you are in such a rough spot, and am sending big hugs your way. Life can be very tough. I am barely getting by myself with my Dad being so sick. But you really have to look for the good things. I understand you don't probably see anything good right now, but if you look really hard there WILL be something, even just one small thing.

Life is full of surprises, both good and unfortunately bad. I have been so broken after my last relationship that I never thought I'd ever have a relationship again, never thought I'd even feel like having one. But guess what!!?? Recently I received a message from a fellow on the internet dating site that I hadn't been on for years but never deactivated my account. I replied and said thanks for the lovely message, you sound awesome, but I've recently got Crohn's and have a lot to deal with etc and he STILL wanted to get to know me. Now with all this happening with Dad, this man has been calling me every night to make sure I am okay and we've had these awesome conversations for hours. I haven't met him in person yet (aiming for this week sometime), but even the fact that me finding someone has become a POSSIBILITY has made all the difference in the world.

Life is full of surprises Mike. You are one of the good ones and good things will come. Go hang with your parents, even just to watch a movie or something.
xxx
shaz

 

[fenway1971]

I care too, Mike. And so do the Seahawks!

I echo what others here say. Life has its ups and downs. There is light at the end of the tunnel. It might be hard to see it right now, but it's there.

Throw this in the "for whatever it's worth category". But, when I was feeling lost, lonely and beaten up a few years ago, I signed up for a class to learn a new language. Not only did it distract me from my daily routine, but it also forced me to interact with others and get out there and socialize. Not only did I learn something new, but I made some new friends.

 

[Tan]

Oh Mike honey you have so many people who care about you including me!

Dont give up mate its is a long and hard road we must travel but I know you will eventually get there, you just need to try and stay positive that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I really hope you can pull yourself out of this funk before it totally consumes you my friend. And as the others have said go and say hi to your parents just sit with them if you don't feel like talking it will def help and make a difference.

You are a beautiful person with a beautiful soul so please don't give up you will get on top of this disease and get back out and meet another beautiful soul!

 

[mwb3779]

My life is just in a state of upset. There is nothing that seems to be going right for me. Thanks for someone caring.

Edit: Thank God for SNL. Makes a guy laugh even when I don't want too.

 

[Guest]

oh Mike... so many of us have been there, feeling what you're feeling, both with the effects of Crohn's on our spirit, and the loss of a loved one... i know i have.

what you say about feeling like a child again - wow, you put something into words that i felt years ago, but hadn't thought of it that way... when i had all my 'big' surgeries, i was 23 years old, just married, just got my first own home.. and when i was finally discharged from hospital i had to go back and live with my mum an dad, so they could look after me 24/7. they pulled me back into the real world.. they were the ones who went through the tears, confusion, desperation with me, and eventually that turned to hope & confidence - but yeah, i felt like a little girl again.

honey, you will get there, i promise you. please don't let the despondency take hold - you're stronger than you realise, and you will get through. x

 

[merrywidow]

hugs, thinking of you.