Need advice to support partner with crohn's

[acrohnspartner]

Hi… I really am trying to understand my partner's disease and thought others impacted by crown's could help. I honestly don't know how I can be more supportive - I try to be flexible around plans being cancelled, delayed, or otherwise, and recognize his fatigue and make huge efforts to take on more tasks around the house and care for our daughter. I try to cook healthy meals but get a little frustrated when he eats poorly and then is too fatigued to participate in daily life. He's on remicade for the past 14 months, however I really don't see a difference in flare ups or his level of irritability. I can appreciate that it is really challenging to live with, however I don't know how to deal with his quick temper and angry level of reactions to situations - that really don't require that level of response. I'm not sure what to do, how I can be supportive, and how to ensure I don't loose my own self-respect in the process. I'm open to change - I just want to understand what and how I can remain his partner through this.

 

[acrohnspartner]

Sorry for the typo re: "crowns" - silly auto-correct.

 

[cantthinkstr8t]

Have you asked him if there is anything you can do to be more supportive?

As far as eating healthy: I think that is great that you cook him healthy meals but sometimes the veggies and grains involved do more damage than good. That is not to say I advocate unhealthy food. I can't eat most or any wheat. I eat a ton of fish though and drink smoothies to get some of the nutrients I need.

I am sorry you are in this situation. I know my husband tries his hardest and sometimes feels helpless.

 

[acrohnspartner]

Thanks for your support and reply - I have asked him what I can do to be supportive, but his responses to this are minimal. He has acknowledged that he pretends he doesn't have Crohn's so perhaps openly admitting his limitations and asking me for help/support doesn't work for him.

Good advice re: healthy eating - I will try to incorporate more fish and make smoothies. That's easy to do.

I guess I still wonder about the irritability/anger - how much of that is due to Crohn's or side effects of medication?? Or is he directing his anger at me when it is really about him feeling sick or fatigued…

 

[cantthinkstr8t]

I guess I still wonder about the irritability/anger - how much of that is due to Crohn's or side effects of medication?? Or is he directing his anger at me when it is really about him feeling sick or fatigued…

I am not sure how much help I will be on this one. I have a quick temper some days. Sometimes it is because I feel like crap, other times, I just want everything wrong with me to go away. And sometimes, I just wish I was "normal." I am tired almost constantly. I have tried to learned to direct my anger at something other than my husband but he is usually the brunt of it. I do at least acknowledge it beforehand so he has fair warning what I am feeling like. Is he open to talking to someone about his feelings?

I am not that knowledgeable on Remicade but I didn't think irritability/anger was a side effect.

It is great that you are reaching out for support and ways to help.

 

[UnXmas]

Crohn's can easily make people emotional and frustrated, but I don't think it actually causes anger, and shouldn't be used as an excuse for extreme rudeness or any agressiveness (not that your partner's moods are necessarily that extreme, but in case they are).

Is he on any steroid medication? Some medications used to treat Crohn's can cause mood changes, which can be extreme in rare cases, though I don't think Remicade has that kind of effect. It may be worth checking he's not on any other medications if there's a chance he's been prescribed something else but not told you. It doesn't sound likely, but if he does think his moods are a medication side effect, they should be treated as a medical issue.

Crohn's is a horrible illness, and it's also a very embarrassing illness, so it naturally results in a lot of anger and irritability. Your partner is most likely in pain and tired, and he may well be embarrassed about his bowel problems, so some sympathy is needed when he's irritable. However, there should be limits to how much anger you put up with from him. It is a very difficult situation for you, as it really isn't possible for us to tell you the right and wrong things to do, and what he wants from you may vary; sometimes he may want to be left alone, sometimes he may want support. Your flexibility is a very important thing you're doing for him. It is hard with Crohn's to stick to plans or predict when your energy will run out. He may well need some privacy around bathroom issues and prefer not to discuss them. Eating can be really hard with Crohn's, even though he knows it's good for him.

Was he prone to some anger before he became unwell, or is it entirely new? He should not be taking his anger out on you. There may be times where he can't help it, but generally he should be able to avoid losing his temper with you, and when he does he should be apologetic afterwards.

 

[2010mustang]

Just try to stay positive. im recently diagnosed and have noticed a change in my mood since starting steriods. some days im angry for no reason other days out of frustration. its hard not being able to do the things we once did or limited on how we do them due to fatigue. in the end it comes back to us though. I have realized that even though im sick I must suck it up and try to make the best of each day. take some time for yourself too. this just does not affect us but those around us.