Need to vent about my jerk brother-in-law

[Cat-a-Tonic]

I just need to have a vent about this. So this is about my hubby's sister, my sister-in-law. She and her husband have been married for nearly 9 years. They have 4 kids, the youngest will turn 2 in April. They just bought a house recently and have a fairly hefty mortgage. Everything seemed fine with them, mostly. S-I-L's husband does have some issues though. He had a drunk driving arrest a few years ago and apparently he tried to evade the police when they tried to pull him over. I think he might be an alcoholic as he drinks a LOT. But there's been more worrisome stuff lately. He has become withdrawn and hasn't come to any family events in the last year, including xmas (his excuse was that he "didn't feel like coming", my S-I-L tried to tell us he was sick but we had already heard the real reason and we weren't too happy about it). Right around xmastime, he posted a photo on facebook of himself and another woman. I don't know who she is, but I had suspicions right away. The photo is of them smiling, heads tilted towards each other. They look like a couple. I started to wonder if he's having an affair as that would also explain why he is more withdrawn from the family lately. Fast forward to last week, he abruptly changed his facebook relationship status from "married" to "in a relationship." I immediately thought of the woman from the photo. I commented on his post, I just wrote "???????" He deleted the post right away (kept the changed relationship status though) and didn't respond to me. Red flag! And just yesterday, my S-I-L apparently got the news that he is indeed leaving her. She'll be a single mother with 4 kids. She's devastated.

I just think it's really crappy that he put all these clues out there on facebook. He could have been a man about it and kept his relationship issues to himself or at least told his wife first before changing his relationship status and crap like that (she's on facebook too but apparently missed seeing that as he deleted the post right away, I just happened to see it immediately and commented on it and then it was deleted). And he could have tried to work on things which would have probably included coming to family gatherings - maybe he didn't want to see the family he knew he was going to lose soon? Why drag it out a whole year and NOT go to counseling or even tell his wife that he was going through this stuff? From what I can tell, she was completely blindsided by this. Maybe love is blind and she just didn't want to see, I don't know. I'm just PO'ed by my soon to be former brother-in-law's behavior. 4 kids and he probably knew he was leaving around the time the 4th one was born and he probably knew when they signed the mortgage papers that he wouldn't be living there for long. That just makes me mad! If you're going to walk out on your wife and kids, try to do it with a tiny bit of decency or try to work on things before you cut and run? I don't know. I am obviously still working through my feelings on this one and just needed to get this out there! (If he can post crap on facebook then I can post it here, right? )

If you read the whole thing, thanks! I'm sorry it was long and rambling. It makes me feel better just getting this out there. I need to be supportive for my sister-in-law and my nieces and nephews so I need to work through this anger (he will still be the kids' father after all and I know it's bad to poison kids against one parent, no matter how rotten I feel that parent is).

 

[DustyKat]

Ah hell Cat......that is just awful. You aren't over reacting hun, in fact quite the opposite, you are spot on with your opinions and observations.

I so hope that your SIL and her children are able to move through the dark days quickly. Thank goodness they have a fab SIL and Auntie like you! :hug:

Dusty. :heart:

 

[Cat-a-Tonic]

Steph, that would be tempting but unfortunately it wouldn't fix the problem (although if I kicked hard enough it'd prevent him from having even more kids with other women!).

GW, my printer is on the fritz lately so I haven't been able to print anything. I am pretty sure she'll still get $$$ from him though, it's clear that he's the jerk in this situation and it sounds like for now at least she'll get the kids so he'll have to pay her support and probably alimony too.

Little Miss H, I haven't heard anything about the house so I don't know if my S-I-L will move or not. I know he was the one who picked the house (small house, lots of land - 3 bedrooms so the 4 kids share 2 of the bedrooms). So my gut feeling is she'll probably move and find a bigger place with less land that is a bit more affordable.

Archie, I am sure she probably does need a hand with the kids. Unfortunately she lives about an hour away from me so I won't be able to go help her out until the weekend. I'm going to call her and see what I can do to help her out then.

Dusty, thank you. I am trying to be the best auntie I can. I'm particularly worried about my oldest niece, she's 8. She's very smart and sensitive and reads a lot. I'm worried about how her father leaving is affecting her. My younger niece is 6 and she's a total drama queen but I don't know if she's quite old enough to fully realize what's happening. The boys are 4 and almost 2. It seems the youngest is pretty clueless and the older boy is the most happy-go-lucky kid ever so I think they'll bounce back quick. Anyway, my oldest niece is the one that I'm most concerned about because I think she'll "get it" the most and has the potential to be the most hurt (apart from her mother) about this situation. I am thinking of getting her an age-appropriate book regarding divorce. Does anyone have suggestions of a good one?

 

[carolhew]

Cat, that is just awful! I feel for your SIL and her kids! Wish I knew of a good book to recommend!

 

[Rebecca85]

It might be an idea to get in touch with her school, they may have someone who is trained in nurture / pastoral care who may be able to have a quiet chat (sometimes it helps to talk to someone who is not directly involved). Also they might be able to point you in the right direction for a book or resources.

You could also check your local library, they will probably have a range of books aimed at different ages/levels of understanding.

 

[Cat-a-Tonic]

Okay, it's been awhile but I think I need to vent about this even more. I just don't get it! My sister-in-law decided to read this book about "love language" or something like that. There was a quiz in this book and apparently she took it and she made her ex take it, and it was determined that they speak the same "love language" or whatever, so she thinks they can work it out. Sigh!

Well, then in an interesting twist, suddenly her ex had an apparent about-face. Instead of posting things like "I'm done" on facebook, he started posting lovey-dovey things to her. Like, almost every day. For everyone to see. It was barftastically lovey-dovey talk like how teenagers in love act and it was clear he wanted everyone to see how suddenly he does seem want to work things out with his wife after all. I guess he didn't want to be the bad guy anymore. My sister-in-law doesn't post much on FB herself and when she does, it's about the kids or about her Zumba classes or whatever trivial stuff so this lovey squishy stuff was totally one-sided on his part. I didn't quite buy it.

And I guess I was right not to. I looked at my state's circuit court website the other day, and when I looked up their names in the system, I see that they officially filed for divorce earlier this month. Both of them filed - it said they are both joint petitioners. Sooo, if they're definitely divorcing, which it sure sounds to me like they are if they both filed divorce papers with the court, why all this lovey-dovey crap on facebook?? Is he just being super manipulative or what? What's his deal?

Sigh. I've been roped into going to my in-laws' for easter, and my sister-in-law & her kids will be there too. No word on if her (soon to be ex?)husband will be there or not. Either way I guess it'll be interesting! I should note that I dislike easter when it's at my in-laws. Two years ago at easter, my father-in-law got drunk and told me that I'm either not sick or I'm not as sick as I say (essentially he thought I was faking my illness) and then proceeded to tell me that if I can't eat or cook normal foods then my marriage (to his son) will fail because cooking together is a cornerstone of marriage. Even when I started crying he didn't let up and he made me feel horrible. He's since come around and is much so more understanding and kind now and has even defended me when someone else joked about how I can't eat certain things. Still, it was an awful experience and I don't look forward to easter at the in-laws even under normal circumstances. With sister-in-law's weird relationship situation, I predict it might be another uncomfortable holiday. Wish me luck, I think I will need it! I'm stressing already!

 

[Laney1983]

I hope she has a good divorce attorney.

 

[Kev]

It's hard not to get swept up in situations like this, especially when they involve family. I've seen couples stay together and wondered why/how someone could put up with that.. (you can fill in the blanks).. I've seen couples split, then go public with horrible stories, he said/she said, (even in front of young, innocent, impressionable young children) then try to get everyone on 'THEIR' side.. family, friends, neighbours, you name it. I've seen folks who NEVER reached a truce or ceasefire... but also others who, weeks, months, even years later... reconcile... and forgive everything the other said to/about them... but not the folks who took one side or the other. The problem with some 'EXES' is that they don't always remain 'EXES'. I've always tried to practice the policy... If you need help, advice, a shoulder to cry on, a drive to and from court; then you can count on me. But, if you want me to jump in with my opinion of your EX, well... my opinion on matters like that is nobody's business but my own. If 'he/she' did me no harm, then I've no axe to grind. Even IF I knew with absolute certainty/clarity ALL the facts in your S-I-L's & Hubby's marriage and split, I still wouldn't consider myself in any position to pass judgement. On either of them. Even if you can get inside of another persons head, you can't feel how they feel unless you've walked every mile they have in their shoes. Wrapping oneself up in the volatile emotions of someone elses personal upheavals may not only damage your sole, but also your emotional and physical well-being. I know... you didn't ask ANYONE for advice, just wanted to vent. But I figured that maybe, just maybe.. being family and all, it was too close to you to see the reality that you can't live her/his/their lives, and this might be enuff to push your health somewhere you don't want it to go.