Needing someone to talk to..

[FightingToUnderstand]

Hi. I am new to this whole world..I do not have crohn's but I recently started seeing a guy who has crohn's. I knew him years ago and while he'd been diagnosed, I had no idea. Now he's been having lots of problems, he's been in and out of the hospital, it seems like even when he's home he's not feeling well. I really like him. While this isn't the situation I'd want, he is so wonderful and I feel like even if it never got better, it'd be worth the headache just to spend time with him.. My problem that I would love feedback on is..how do I proceed? A lot of relationship stuff seems to be different, and I don't want to end up making a bigger deal than necessary about the differences. For instance, what makes someone a good hospital visitor? I feel awkward in the hospital just because I don't know what I can do or when I'm in the way.. Or if I know he's hurting in a public place, should I point it out and offer for us to head out? Is that just making a big deal out of something he's used to or is that being polite? What about intimacy? Should I treat it like I normally would or wait till he shows he's feeling well enough? He's very open about talking to me about things like surgeries and what he's going through, but I like him so much and want to be able to be supportive and helpful but don't want to treat him like he's sick because I know I would hate to constantly be treated like there was something "wrong" with me.

Sorry..I know this is a bit disjointed..I'm still so new to this. I feel like I'm getting lost in all the information..

Help?? Thanks!

 

[handle]

You really don't need to try too hard. I think most of us cherish having someone we can talk to about our issues when the time is right - someone to listen, even if they don't understand fully.
A little gentle concern is enough if you notice he's struggling while you're out. A simple offer to sit and rest, or even head home is great - there's never a need to fuss.
Long term illness makes us pretty tough and resilient, and also kind of self reliant.
It's really touching that you see him as wonderful, and not as some sick guy. That's all you need to do. The illness can be really tough, but it seems you already know that. Be yourself - he'll let you know how he is feeling. It's like all relationships really. You grow and learn together, and get closer.
As far as being a good hospital visitor, speaking for myself, I prefer people who take my mind of things...
Above all, be yourself and all will be fine. Just two people getting to know each other.
enjoy.

 

[georgiabird]

Personally, I love it when we're out, and my hubby can tell I'm drained and asks, "How ya doing? Do you want to keep going or head home?...I'm fine either way." When he assures me that he doesn't mind going home, I don't feel that "guilt" that I sometimes feel.

However, there's no need to ask someone often...just treat him like you would any friend who gets pale, sick, or seems different from their "norm". Give a little extra TLC during the especially bad times, and enjoy the good times. Remember "good times" are relative to what feeling "normal" is for him.

For example, I'm always a little drained of energy, and my hubby knows this is "normal" for me so he doesn't press me about how I'm feeling. However, if I'm in a bad flare, he asks if there is anything he can do around the house to help out.

Hope this is a little helpful. Enjoy your relationship!

 

[tiloah]

I'd say just let him take the lead. Approach him the way you would anyone else. We don't want to be treated like we're "different" or "special" or need to be babied unless we say otherwise. Not that I speak for everyone with this condition. But I think most of us do want to lead a normal life and being reminded of our condition when we're trying to fit in or behave like a "normal" person can be frustrating.

Also, put yourself in his shoes. If someone visited you in the hospital how would you want them to act? What would you want them to do or say? Approach it the way you would any other friend in the hospital.

Lastly, check out the forum. It's great that you aren't giving up on this guy and want to be a part of the community/know more. I hope his Crohn's stays under control and is well treated. Good luck.

 

[FightingToUnderstand]

I want to thank you guys so much for your advice. It's rough, but things are going well. I'm happy to be there for him. I'll be honest, I've dated a lot in my days and have NEVER had to deal with something like this...there are awkward things, but recently I've found that I'm more comfortable in the hospital..I know my way around, I can joke with the nurses...it's kind of been odd that this is how I've met most of his family..but it's been great. It's been worth every moment.
Thanks so much.

 

[archie]

I agree with handle that's good advice like every new (and long) relationships there has to be a good element of fun. He's maybe having the same concerns about you and how to act so be honest with each other. Any new relationship is exciting so enjoy.