Personal

[pain in the butt]

personal

ok this is so not cool to talk about but I really don't have anyone esle and well no onecan see my face lol. I'll try my best to explain I'm already imbarss. just typing. Ok since Ive been married sex in the very being was good ok but I started doing the you know what to hubby and it turned into a mager selfish thing on his part and for a few years now Ive been asking what happened I have needs to and its usually I know , I,m sorry, I,m trying etc. but than the few times he tried it was like so bad when he would even start to try I just basicly would just take care of him AGAIN! anyhow I think its my fault that i spoiled him in the first place. But for the past few years I have been making comments like we are best friend or our relationship is pultonic ( sorry can't spell good.) or my other little digs. I know its not nice but I think sometimes I'm bitter about it and thats not good. So anyhow my surgery in tommorow and I said something like well I guess I won't have to worry about the intimate part of this surgery (with a bag) and all he said was I'm sorry . I'm really sad and hurt and I know he has to know with my comments. Oh well I feel like a jerk now blabbing my private life.

 

[Guest]

first of all, please don't be embarrassed.. you're amongst friends here, and girly ones at that

heck, we discuss our bums, bowels, & lady bits on a regular basis - your problem is not going to raise any eyebrows, but you might get lots of understanding and advice, which is exactly what you need right now - so i'm glad you posted this.

i'm tempted to say put this issue on a back burner, as you have surgery tomorrow - and that is far more important - your health & recovery - than this issue which can be tackled at later date... but one thing i would advise is that you make the hours you've got before surgery good ones with your hubby, lots of hugs & kisses, and maybe even tell him you're both going to sort that problem out together, when you're recovered...

it's quite normal for sex with a long-standing partner to slip into a habit of one kind or another... those major romping sessions with sparks flying don't last forever, and sometimes we do look back and wish we hadn't started a certain pattern forming.. but it's never too late, as long as you both love & respect each other, and can learn to talk about your feelings, there is always a big chance you can both change things, so you're both happy.

i think once you have the surgery out of the way, and you're feeling better & stronger, you'll be more equipped to sort this out... i hope so. and good luck with the op, i'll be thinking of you. xx

 

[pain in the butt]

Thank you Ding I'm just a bit up tight and also not looking forward to the stupid mov prep again this will be the third time since Dec. 23 and I'm still waiting to here from nurse about being able to take magnesium citrate instead she said something about two bottles I'm just so worked up about gagging again and its Sunday and Pharm. closes at 4 . Just praying doc oks it so I don't have drink it and i only have one bottle of this Mc and I heard this doesn't taste as bad and two of these looks like a lot less than all the mov. prep. Anyhow thanks for responding I started to cry and my heart feels so heavy you really really really helped just by responding thank you from the bottom of my heart. Me and my 14 year old are home alone together til about 4 and than its just me until about 830 when hubby comes home. will see if teenage wants to do anything with mom. thanks

 

[ameslouise]

I just wanted to chime in and say good luck with the surgery! Sexual issues in marriage can be really difficult, but when you add in complications with Crohn's, it can really get complicated.

I agree with Ding that you should put it on the back burner, then deal with it when you have recovered from your surgery. Maybe even think about going to see someone to discuss, as having a bag can be difficult for some men to deal with. My hubber was a champ when I had my bag, but other men might get freaked out by it.

Good luck - keep us posted! - Amy

 

[pain in the butt]

Thanks Ameslouise, as for hubby when I got my urostomy bag the few times we did do it , he said it didn't bother him , at night when I'm attached to my large bag he didn't even want to wait a sec. for me to unhook of course I did though. and yes I know a bowel bag is going to be way grosser. but I believe if its this bad before my bag I might as well forget about sex later. but thanks I quess I'm just missing touch , well he does hug me and hold me sometimes in bed and gives me hugs through the day. I quess I'm just being selfish myself just miss a human touch massage or foot rub or something to replace the other and we have only been married about four half years. thats the sad part. Oh yea from what I understand I don't have Crohns its radation internitis or something/ colitis whatever. but thank you very much for your respond. I quess I should keep my mind on surgery/recovery. and I am really happy that your hubby is a champ for you that is a awesome blessing . thanks again and will keep you posted.

 

[Guest]

have you ever said to him what you've just told us now? that you miss and need hugs/touch not necessarily leading to sex?

one thing i've learned through 2 horrid relationships and now i'm in the kind that every woman dreams of, is that you have to be honest, open, don't leave anything to "well, he ought to know instinctively.." - tell him! and be just as affectionate back to him.. show him how good it feels to simply play with his hair while watching telly, or massinging his feet while he's sprawled on the sofa next to you.. all these things seem so little, but they show love - sex doesn't always do that, and sex isn't the only thing that does that. big lesson there.

i just wanted to say something about 'the bag'... i have an ileostomy, and it's only ever a been a problem with my ex-husband, who had no sympathy, understanding, nor a caring bone in his body.

apart from him/that, it's been fine, i make sure it's empty before i go to bed, and my partner now (well fiance, we're getting married this summer) knew all about it before we got together, and i'd got myself all worried for nothing. he was fine. he loves me - and accepts whatever happens to be attached to me. physically, it makes very little difference when making love, i used to be very aware of it, now i don't even think about it, and neither does he. it hasn't stopped me doing anything i or we want to do in that way, and we don't have to do any weird manouvres because of it to me, it's nothing more than having a plaster on me... no big deal.

 

[pain in the butt]

Thanks ding , yes Ive told him many times and wrote him letters even and done all the foot rubes face massages etc. he is a takeer not a giver and Ive cried to him about it lots of times he always says the same thing I will try or I'll work on it etc. I quess he's still working on it.lol The only thing I haven't been honest with is how crappy it has been the few times we did mess around, I can't just hurt his ego or whatever you call it all I know is that I wouldn't take it very well if it was me no matter how nice I was told. I have said many times in the past beating around the bush like can you slow down or I don't work like you can you try to touch me somewhere else first before you grab the privates so fast etc. Hey I just thought of something maybe it is me that stinks at it and he just doesn't want to hurt my feelings. I have asked him many times if its me he always says no I think I'm on to something. thanks for sharing your info. and I'm so glad to hear your happy now and way cool on the wedding when is it? did you set a date?

 

[ameslouise]

Please don't for one second start blaming yourself!!! Drop that thinking right now!

Take care of yourself, get thru this surgery, check back with us and let us know how you are doing!

- Amy

 

[Jer's Girl]

I know this isn’t really the issue here, but I just want to say it any way. Sex with an ostomy isn’t as gross or weird as you would expect. There are wraps you can wear to cover it, and I was able to everything that I did before the Ostomy after the Ostomy. That might not give you much hope considering the fact that you weren’t doing much before, but I just wanted to give you a glimmer of hope.

I’m sorry that you are dealing with this. Sex is a very important issue for everyone. I don’t really have any advice, I just wanted to let you know that someone was out there listening. We are all here for you whatever you need to get off of your chest.

Good luck with your surgery!