Pre-scope anxiety

[my.december]

I apologize for bomboarding the boards lately. I think I talk too much.

But okay, here's the deal. If you've read my story already, you'll know this background bit, so just bear with me. Last year, I had a scope that showed ulcerations and inflammation, so the good doc said Crohn's and started meds (Entocort... he was waiting for the full results to discuss maintenance meds). Awesome. Then the biopsy and small bowel series results came back normal. Not awesome. So we were left questioning the diagnosis. He gave me the option of starting meds (maintenance) then or waiting to see what my body did without them. Needless to say, nothing good. But I kept putting off going back... until now.

So, my next colonoscopy is scheduled for Tuesday. As it approaches and I realize tomorrow will be my last day of eating before it, I'm getting some major anxiety. It's not the anxiety I think most people would expect though... not the, "OMG! What is this going to come back showing???? I hope it's clear!" No, it's more like, "What if this thing shows NOTHING? Then we're starting from scratch and have no clue what's wrong with me. No answers. No way to help it. What if it's all in my head?"

It's kinda driving me insane right now. It was frustrating to get the diagnosis (as it was finally an ANSWER) then have it more or less taken back. Don't get me wrong... I don't want to be ill. But the fact is, no matter what the scope does or doesn't show, I AM in some way and have been for years. Having it show nothing at this point will be so frustrating and disheartening as it means I'll be no further in treating it than I was when I was trying to ignore the pain, blood, frequency, urgency, and diarrhea.

Blah. I need to not stress. But honestly, I am so tempted to have a HUGE dinner of Chinese food tomorrow, smoke like 10 packs of cigarettes tomorrow and Monday, and drown myself in pot after pot of coffee just to irritate things a bit more to make sure it can be seen. That's HORRIBLE, I know, but dang it, I want answers. Concrete answers.

 

[tamesis]

Jess, i'm totally the same! I don't have my scoped booked yet, but every time i get any test, i think please, let it show something! Not that i want to be ill, but i need to know it's not all in my head. I had a nice big cup of starbucks espresso before my last Gastro appt. Pretty bad when you're trying to make things worse!

But try not to stress, hopefully things work out.

 

[Crohn's 35]

I have had many scopes and it showed nothing but was alreayd diagnosed. Just because they dont see ulcers doesnt mean it isnt there. My Gi where I live now took 3 scopes and only by the 3rd time (in 4 years span) did he finally get to see the ulcers. Sometimes he couldnt get around the bend or just didnt see anything. Even when taking a biopsy they have to get it in the right spot or could be totally missed. Probably why my initial diagnoses took a year!Good luck on the scope, and try not to stress, we know about anxiety but you just have to be patient.

 

[shazamataz]

Good luck Jess! It seems a lot of people have these troubles with diagnosis. I would have thought that if you took steroids and the symptoms improved significantly then there's a good chance you have IBD of some sort?!

 

[Peaches]

Jess - are you going back to the same doctor that you had before? If so, I feel pretty confident that even if they can't physically see something on the scope they will probably be willing to treat you like they were last time (ehem, when you decided to let it ride ) - so I wouldn't worry too too much about it. At least you sound like you have someone who is willing to give things a shot instead of what so many on here have which are docs who have to have every single little bit of the puzzle fit "the diagnosis" before they will write a script. You are having all the classic symptoms and they saw something once, so hopefully you'll get it sealed up with a ribbon this time! And not to be yo momma - but if they do diagnose you - I highly recommend kicking the smoking habit. My doc told me straight up first visit - no more smoking or drinking caffeine (unless you WANT to kick things up that is!). I never smoked in my life until the year before I was diagnosed - and had never been sicker than when I was smoking. I truly believe it bought me my surgery. Good luck and let us know how everything goes!

 

[my.december]

Thanks ladies. I just needed a bit of calming I guess. I'm so frustrated by it all, even though I know some of it is my fault. Sometimes I honestly laugh at myself and go, "Y'know, if you'd gone to the doctor years ago..." or "Y'know, if you'd made the choice to start treatment last year..." I'm not dwelling on the what ifs though because there's no point in dwelling on what was not. And part of me is happy that I decided to give my body a chance. Even though it ended up meaning additional suffering, I'll know years down the line when I'm feeling well that I can't just discontinue meds. That I will need them from now on. There will be no question because I will KNOW. I will have been there and experienced life without the meds.

But yeah, it is the same doc, so it's helpful. He wants to be complete, but he takes me seriously too, which I respect. I'm big on knowing EXACTLY what is going on and leaving no question, which is why this state of limbo frustrates me even more. But I have a good feeling that, no matter what he does or doesn't see, he's going to try to help me in some way. And don't worry, the doc already gave me the smoking lecture. His exact words were something like, "Smoking is one of the worst things you can do with Crohns, so it's vital that you quit and quit taking ibuprofen too." Which really, I guess should go a long way in helping my anxiety. It seems HE's already decided, negative SBFT and biopsy or not, we are dealing with Crohn's. lol, so maybe it's just ME who thinks the dx is in a state of limbo.

lol, but really, I don't smoke THAT much at all. Not that it's an excuse, just saying the Chinese, coffee, and 10 packs were meant to say I'm almost tempted to dang near kill my gut to irritate it enough that it's undeniable then. Especially since I'll be on the toilet all day Monday for the prep anyways. lol. But yes, I am working on quitting smoking. I know it's still a little bit off, but my quit date is February 1. By then, I should have been able to get myself some Chantix (assuming I can take it with whatever the good doc ends up giving me) and be on it for the week or so you're supposed to be on it before your quit date. I'm figuring the PHYSICAL part won't be that hard... it's the HABIT part. But I'm at less than 1/2 pack a day thankfully, so it should be easier than it is for many others.

 

[Peaches]

That's *great* - glad to here it. I LOVED smoking - even though I knew it was a gross habit. I didn't start until right after my hubby and I were married and looking back I realize he must love me a whooole lot because he can't stand smoking. You can do it - I just feel that you have the personality that once you say "I'm doing it" - it's d-o-n-e :O)

 

[my.december]

Thanks Peaches. It will be DONE. I know this. It is a kinda gross habit, but I LOVE it too. Part of me hates it, but another part just LOVES it. But I DON'T love feeling icky, so... goodbye smokes.

 

[Trysha]

I quit smoking 30 years ago.
I went to an Chinese doctor family practice in Ontario.
He talked to me for about 20minutes and then inserted very long needles into each ear lobe this was somehow connected to a machine which sounded like heart beats.
This took 20 minutes and then I left the office and have never smoked since.
This doctor was a GP who was dedicated to helping people stop smoking.
It was essential to my health to stop smoking., and so I did.
Best thing I have ever done.
annsplash

 

[Jennifer]

Good luck with your scope. I know they aren't fun. And as someone said, even if you don't see any ulcers doesn't mean that they aren't there.

I quit smoking recently and used an e-cigarette to help me. You get to wean yourself off in a way that actually makes sense. Patches and gum and pills don't help with the hand and oral fixation. Also one of the pills (Chantix I believe) has been known to make people psychotic while on it and prone to suicide. I'd consider another method. Even my GP wouldn't prescribe it to any of his patients.

This is what I used to help me quit and I also don't use the device anymore.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YKIjUHRM8g

 

[Trysha]

My.December
Good luck with the scope on Tuesday.
Lets hope and pray for a clearer picture for you
annsplash

 

[crazycanuck]

I can completely relate to your prescope anxiety. I almost dread the day before more than the actual colonoscopy, well besides the IV needle because I'm so needlephobic. But I'm sure it will all go fine and I just tried to think once I'm done these drinks I won't have to do it for a long time again. Good luck and I'm sorry you have to go in for the scope.

 

[my.december]

Oh, it definitely doesn't help me. If I'm really bad, just a couple drags off a cigarette seem to have me running to the toilet feeling spasms. However, that could just be coincidence I guess.

 

[Crohn's 35]

Smoking is said to help those who have Colitis but not for everyone. I was nagged for years to quit smoking and one doc refused to do my surgery unless I quit, so I did 6 months prior and have quit 8 years in Aug. Not easy but, when I flared or felt ill, the last thing I wanted was a cigerette, yuck.

 

[Jennifer]

Oh, it definitely doesn't help me. If I'm really bad, just a couple drags off a cigarette seem to have me running to the toilet feeling spasms. However, that could just be coincidence I guess.

That's no coincidence. Cigarettes are a diuretic for many people because Nicotine is a stimulant just like caffeine.

I haven't heard anything that says that smoking is good for anyone who already has intestinal problems.

Here's a site about smoking and crohns disease:
http://www.webmd.com/smoking-cessation/news/20010416/fight-fire-of-crohns-disease-quit-smoking

For the record, I didn't quit because of my crohns. If my health was such a concern for me, I wouldn't have started smoking in the first place.