Raising my white flag

[Dragonfly72]

Do any of you ever just feel like giving up? Stopping all the meds, just letting it "just take you". I am now starting to loose friends over this, my most recent example was I was admitted to the hospital for low oxygen due to a new medication and they did a CTscan with contrast to make sure I did not have a PE and it put me in acute renal failure! I reached out to a friend via text and she responded to what seemed to me "cold". I reacted to that's I was scared, hurting and felt like she didn't care. She replied questioning if I was looking for a fight?, that she works and injured her self and has always been there for me (which yes, she has talked to me about my feelings here and there) but, I have been sick a year now and have not yet seen her on my doorstep, but ihavegone to her on days I should have been in bed~. During this most recent hospitalization she works 2 floors down and the 8 days I was there she never came to see me.... I just feel so hurt, and I ended up apologizing to her....
People are throwing all their opinions at me as to what I should be doing, from working to medication to exercise to what to eat..... There are days I just want to raise my flag and let god do his will.....I would never, but i am hurting so deeply and all the years I have been there for as many as I could, ifind myself very alone! If I didn't have my boyfriend I am afraid of what pain would really rear it's ugly head! He is my savior and I hope to be his someday.... I just wanted to know if any of you have been through similar, been this lowland what did you do to help your self feel better? Thanks for taking the time to read and respond if you choose to! All of you are so kind and always there for a shoulder

Xo
MICHELE

 

[nogutsnoglory]

*major hugs* it sucks to be at this low point when it feels like nothing works and nobody gets what it's truly like to be in this state physically and mentally. I like you have been there for so many but they couldn't be there for me at my lowest points. People are selfish, they don't want to face struggle and hardship. Thank God for your supportive bf. that is true love and that's what matters most. You learn who you can count on during the tough times. Please don't give up hope, things can turn around as fast as they fell apart. You are such a kind and loving person and it comes across with every post here. I really pray that things reverse course for you.

 

[ruhereyet]

I often wonder if I'd be better off letting Crohn's take its course rather than continue to load up on meds that have side effects as awful as these.

I've gotten to where I try not to discuss my ailment anymore...for the same reasons you mentioned. I don't want people to think I'm just out for pity, or worst, for my boss to think I can't work anymore. So, I just suck it up, and deal.

I've been where you are, and I'm sorry. Hang in there and keep working with your doctors. Some friends will never understand what we go through.

 

[Farmwife]

Oh hugs, my heart breaks reading your thread.
I often wonder how Grace (my 5yr old with ibd) will deal with this when she's grown and on her own.
You seem like your facing a lot. Most people just don't know what to say so they say nothing. it's not right but to them life goes on.
I hope your able to heal physically and emotionally. Just know your not alone. Theirs the young (and their parents) and old alike on the forum to help.:ghug:

 

[rrhood1]

We're there for you, Dragonfly! Keep going. It will be worth it!

 

[Kero]

Lots of :hug: Your way! I agree, it is very hard to deal sometimes We are here for you to talk to, and I have pretty big shoulders you are welcome to cry into, anytime

 

[LindaS]

I've been there before, and probably will again. All I can say is I've dropped "friends" because it wasn't worth the annoyance and irritation to continue relationships that were damaging to me in any way. It means I have a smaller circle of friends, but I know they're true friends.

And I've also had people who has told me to do this thing or that thing or to just "get over it", as if I could.

I've found at my lowest, I talk to my sister, who is one of the few people who has never judged me or made me feel like I was faking, exaggerating or anything. I hope you have someone you can talk to like that.

 

[PsychoJane]

I like to comfort myself with words such as : "perfect relationships does not exist". I find it valid for love and friendship. I have realized in my hardship that everyone is not equipped to face situation the same way. I realized that friends, that are able to give up to be there are rare. I have realized that friend that are comfortable with sickness are even more rare. Very often, people are there in thoughts, rare are in action.

When I had surgery 2 years ago, I had it right at the end of the term, when people are going back to their business as usual, summer job and what not. No one came to visit at the hospital, but I received kind words. I had all the needed support from my family but I was feeling a bit awkward regarding the fact my friends did not show up. Then I understood a few things...

People, on average, are afraid. Afraid of what they may encounter, afraid of what they don't know, afraid of not being able to actually help you as they don't know what you are going through. Too often, people that are afraid will avoid. In my case, being in my 20th did not help. Rare are the one who actually know these realities. Rare are the one that are able to process deeply the mechanism of empathy/compassion towards these situations.

It is hard to not feel well for a long time.... but usually it gets better. Ive been stuck in bad flares for years period... And it seems it will never end when it happens. But it does! And life gets back to being beautiful! Don't give up on hope! Try to observe every little aspects you can enjoy on a daily basis and cherish them!

Hugz!

 

[pink&green]

We got your back Michelle sending :ghug:

 

[carrollco]

Oh, hugs and more hugs.

 

[Dragonfly72]

Thank you all for your love and support, it means the world to me! Unfortunately I am just feeling worse day by day... This past weekend I lost a friend in a snowmobile accident and my heart is even heavier~. I had the wake today and the funeral is tomorrow at 1100 am, I am freaking out as I have such a hard time in the morning with my bowels and actually getting out of bed due to such fatigue and I am sure my depression. I will do it and be there, but I am just scared I won't hear my alarm!
I have asked my boyfriend to call to make sure I am up, so that will help. While at the wake today I had a few friends blow me off, I actually picked up one of them to go together and she left with another friend and was not even going to tell me, I had to cut in line which I felt so bad about to get to her and asked what was our plan and she said she was leaving with so and so and never said goodbye or asked if I would be joining them at the celebration of his life after the wake. I was so upset I couldn't even go to the celebration! Which ways on me heavly as well. She and all my other friends found seating as he had such a big showing (wonderful man). That they neve saved me a seat knowing how sick I have been, my boyfriend held onto my arm to help me stand for more than 3 hours and not one of them offered their seat. I am so devastated that once again I felt like I didn't exist.... I. Was hurting too and they didn't care, they were therefor each other and no consoling was in sight for me, but I have been there for them this past week and I got the cold shoulder and I don't understand anymore.... Just put me deeper and deeper down~. I have contacted my therapist and he has me on a cancelation list.... I was even considering being admitted somewhere, but if my family found out it would not be good.... They would say I would be ruining my future.... I know this because when my fiancé died in 2001 I told them to please admit me somewhere and they said it. Would ruin my career if anyone found out. I feel so helpless and nowhere to turn... Sorry for all the complaining and I hope none of you take it that way, I am just trying to get it out somewhere. Thank you again for reading and giving me all your love and support... I am trying... I promise....xxoo
Michele
God bless

 

[mdd]

It hurts me reading your story. You know times like these you find who your real friends are. Lots of them do want to hear how we feel. They ask as we all do. how are you? Then you start to tell you and they have this look like . Ok I just ask you how are you donot need to tell all that! They just want the general response. I'm fine! We'll we are not fine ! Glade you have a boyfriend . You also have REAL TRUE friends here! Some just cannot deal with sick people they know. They can work with sick people as long as they have no connectin to them! You did nothing wrong donot apologizing. Take some time breath in and out. Then let it go! Crying can let some stress things go. But not a lot! I do it builds up. When I'm on my way to the ER I cry and my husband know it's a relief for from the stress of Crohns. I cry in the ER to. And the nurses ask are ok? My husband says yea she'll be ok in a few min. I get depressed I see a therapist and we talk about it. Just talking to some who does not judge you. Helps. We call it venting like here! I know you will get though this it will take time. :heart::hang:

 

[Kero]

:hug: I am so sorry you are going through this. Sounds like your friends aren't real friends after all. Things will get better sweetie. Hard as it is to hear now, it will happen. Are you on any meds for depression? And to be honest, if you need help get it. Number 1 is you. You are definitely not complaining! We are here for you! <3

 

[Dragonfly72]

At Kero, yes I am on Prozac, but that is not helping. I will call my therapist again... Maybe I need to add something with it.... Thank you all, I don't know what I would do without you, and I am saying that from my heart!!!!!

XOXO
I will keep you all posted, all my love Michele

 

[nogutsnoglory]

I'm so sorry you are suffering so much. It makes me upset that good people suffer ugh. I don't think going to a psych facility would go on your record in terms of employment. It's part of your medical history and I don't see why any employer would know unless you posed a possible danger.

How much prozac are you taking? It takes about 6-8 weeks to kick in. I have heard Wellbutrin in addition is really helpful for some. Wellbutrin may also fight crohns but not enough is known about it.

 

[Saralr]

I have been hospitalized twice for depression and it has never come up when I was job searching. It's not something they need to know. But I do understand that having your family against your wishes can make it harder to handle.

Besides being hospitalized, I also did a day treatment program for a few weeks. Maybe that is something you might want to check into. You don't stay overnight so no one needs to know if you don't want them to and they seem to focus a lot more on coping strategies than hospitalization does. That was more about meds.

That was my experience anyway.

 

[DJW]

Sending you my support Michele. Hang in there.

 

[ruhereyet]

My son was inpatient for a week, and then did an intensive outpatient program for six weeks (3 days a week, 3 hours a day). This was after an attempted suicide. It was the best thing for him. While he doesn't suffer Crohn's, he does suffer from anxiety and depression.

I'm sorry you're not getting support from your friends, but I'm more concerned that you're not getting treatment because of the response of your family. I agree with the others on here - it's a private matter that due to HIPAA regulations should not be disclosed to any employer, current or future. I strongly recommend seeking treatment if you feel so significantly blue and continue to go downhill. There are definitely places where you can go to get immediate help if you can't wait for your counselor to get you in.

 

[VeganOstomy]

I'm so sorry to hear you go through all this. I've felt like giving up so many times too, but perseverance often pays off in the end.

It's important that you take care of your mental health, so please make sure you speak with a specialist who can help you.