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Guest
Hi,
I have had Crohns for about 12 years and had surgery a little over a year ago to treat the Crohns and related complications. I had fistulas connecting my bowel and bladder, resulting in almost a year straight of bladder infections. The Crohns pain, when it flared, was cripplingly intense and would take over my life for 3 days at a time. I was, and still am, maintaining the Crohns through pills and Remicade.
I had never wanted surgery and only did it because I knew the fistulas weren't responding to anything else. I was shocked by how broken I felt after the surgery -- I couldn't do ANYTHING. And mentally, the feelings were slow to leave, even though my life is filled with wonderful people and passions.
By now, I've gained back the weight I lost in the year leading leading up to the surgery, as well as (thanks to one of my Crohns maintence pills) a few additional pounds. It makes me feel silly to type all this out, but clearly, it matters to me. (I know it has to be said for reference - I'm 5'3" and weigh 110, and it makes me feel sick) I think I've been allowing myself harmful thoughts and have started harmful habits of ridding myself of the food I've eaten. And I hate it -- I can feel my logical side struggling with all the rest of me. I can examine what I'm doing and thinking and see how it is the start of a very unfortunate road that a lot of women go down. And I don't want that. But I dont want this. I don't feel like this is the body I was made to be in -- I don't feel like me.
When suffering through the Crohns pain, especially being off and on without insurance and just not incredibly wealthy, I feel I developed an attitude I think most must find familiar -- "If I did this once, I can do it again." In retrospect, I don't think that was healthy in many ways. I probably should have gone to the emergency room several times when I didn't, when I felt I couldn't because I knew I could handle the oncoming pain.
I'm afraid I've associated this attitude with... a lot of things in my life. I feel like there's not a reason as to why I shouldn't be a smaller weight, a weight I previously held. And I KNOW that there are factors as to why I weighed a certain number at a certain time -- nonstop infections, crippling pain, ect. It might not even be healthy to maintain my previous weight (103) but I can't separate it from myself that I know I can do that. And then I can't help but think I'm the stupidest person to get hung up so much on 7 little pounds. But it's just tied to so much more. The medicine I take, the inability to regularly consume healthy foods (fiber sucks), the fact that I'm only (relatively) recently finding a workout routine that doesn't hurt me and my stomach..... I think the next step involves talking to a professional, but it's so hard to comprehend that. I've already had to see a physical therapist earlier in the year, and it's nearly impossible to align myself with the fact that that is the type of person I now am. I don't know if I can take this step too. And then I think if I just get to a weight I feel happy with, then I'll stop being unhealthy to myself and I won't have to see anyone, and it can all be over. But even I know how naive that sounds.
My head has just been in such a mess recently. Am I even still a person with Crohns? I don't have any infected areas in me. How am I supposed to identify now?
I'm really at a loss. Does anyone else experience this struggle following surgery? Or has anyone applied their pain management attitude in some other way in life? Can anyone help? I was finally able to bring this up in a very difficult conversation with a friend, and I think knowing that he knows, and knowing the amount of respect I have for him... I think I'd be ashamed to continue. But I dont know if I can necessarily stop.
Please share in whatever way you'd like. This is very hard to open up about, but I have spoken very honestly.
Thank you.
I have had Crohns for about 12 years and had surgery a little over a year ago to treat the Crohns and related complications. I had fistulas connecting my bowel and bladder, resulting in almost a year straight of bladder infections. The Crohns pain, when it flared, was cripplingly intense and would take over my life for 3 days at a time. I was, and still am, maintaining the Crohns through pills and Remicade.
I had never wanted surgery and only did it because I knew the fistulas weren't responding to anything else. I was shocked by how broken I felt after the surgery -- I couldn't do ANYTHING. And mentally, the feelings were slow to leave, even though my life is filled with wonderful people and passions.
By now, I've gained back the weight I lost in the year leading leading up to the surgery, as well as (thanks to one of my Crohns maintence pills) a few additional pounds. It makes me feel silly to type all this out, but clearly, it matters to me. (I know it has to be said for reference - I'm 5'3" and weigh 110, and it makes me feel sick) I think I've been allowing myself harmful thoughts and have started harmful habits of ridding myself of the food I've eaten. And I hate it -- I can feel my logical side struggling with all the rest of me. I can examine what I'm doing and thinking and see how it is the start of a very unfortunate road that a lot of women go down. And I don't want that. But I dont want this. I don't feel like this is the body I was made to be in -- I don't feel like me.
When suffering through the Crohns pain, especially being off and on without insurance and just not incredibly wealthy, I feel I developed an attitude I think most must find familiar -- "If I did this once, I can do it again." In retrospect, I don't think that was healthy in many ways. I probably should have gone to the emergency room several times when I didn't, when I felt I couldn't because I knew I could handle the oncoming pain.
I'm afraid I've associated this attitude with... a lot of things in my life. I feel like there's not a reason as to why I shouldn't be a smaller weight, a weight I previously held. And I KNOW that there are factors as to why I weighed a certain number at a certain time -- nonstop infections, crippling pain, ect. It might not even be healthy to maintain my previous weight (103) but I can't separate it from myself that I know I can do that. And then I can't help but think I'm the stupidest person to get hung up so much on 7 little pounds. But it's just tied to so much more. The medicine I take, the inability to regularly consume healthy foods (fiber sucks), the fact that I'm only (relatively) recently finding a workout routine that doesn't hurt me and my stomach..... I think the next step involves talking to a professional, but it's so hard to comprehend that. I've already had to see a physical therapist earlier in the year, and it's nearly impossible to align myself with the fact that that is the type of person I now am. I don't know if I can take this step too. And then I think if I just get to a weight I feel happy with, then I'll stop being unhealthy to myself and I won't have to see anyone, and it can all be over. But even I know how naive that sounds.
My head has just been in such a mess recently. Am I even still a person with Crohns? I don't have any infected areas in me. How am I supposed to identify now?
I'm really at a loss. Does anyone else experience this struggle following surgery? Or has anyone applied their pain management attitude in some other way in life? Can anyone help? I was finally able to bring this up in a very difficult conversation with a friend, and I think knowing that he knows, and knowing the amount of respect I have for him... I think I'd be ashamed to continue. But I dont know if I can necessarily stop.
Please share in whatever way you'd like. This is very hard to open up about, but I have spoken very honestly.
Thank you.
