The light in the tunnel is from......

[BWS1982]

Last night, I had my first hardcore workout in nearly 2 years at the gym (well my gf's gym, she can bring a guest once a week, mine's not reactivated yet) with real equipment and real opportunity. I did minor stuff at home until now to try to prevent loss of progress here and there the last 2 years, but it did very little....It was incredible because the horrid flare up of 2 years has just felt like eternity, I felt like I found something I lost years ago. I did all that I used to do in there, my music, gloves, focus, etc..., minus the higher numbers I could put up, but that will return in time. I had a post workout shake/meal too, which was more blissful "nostalgia". I haven't had the sensation and sense of accomplishment in a long while, like I'm working towards something again.

That said, I'm going back to work on the 27th of the month, and though I can do that again too, I'm not "looking forward to it" the same way, it's just something that has to be done. But a passion in life that's stolen from you can be recovered (that's what the phrase in my signature means) and we all can get it back in time... whether time alone grants us a return of it, or we fight for it, or others fight for it for us because we don't have it in us anymore. I can do many things now in life again that I couldn't before (well, almost everything, since urgency problems are practically eliminated now)...I can go to movies, hang out with friends, go to social gatherings, attractions, out to eat, shopping, fill in the blank....I'm virtually normal again, sans a label on my medical file (which may affect alternative employment), about 5% of my symptoms still remaining, and a crap ton of awful memories. This may or may not be temporary, but I don't care, I've never savored "normal" so much.

I'm not holding other people back anymore; there's weight off my shoulders. My life can take steps forward again, the pieces can be realigned, and as a result so can my gf's life, who's been incredible and instrumental during this entire piece of **** hand dealt to me.

In one word, it feels like victory. :ybiggrin:

What's the light at the end of the tunnel that you see, what is the source of it? What is there at the end of it, waiting for culmination and absolution? What or who makes it shine for you during the darkness that currently swallows you?

 

[BWS1982]

Benson, I am happy for you!

Yes, thank you, but what is your "light", Mike? Dogs? Both? What's Mike's light? You and dogs? Chair? Knowing he beat the pulp out of PG?

I'm pretty sure your passion isn't bartending in the south, right?

 

[fenway1971]

Amen.

My "light" would be finding myself in a new place exploring - whether that's getting lost in the streets of a foreign city or hiking atop some mountain.

 

[crohnsappleadams]

Actually mine is a lot of the same stuff as yours, though I wasn't out of commission nearly as long as you. A big part of this time away from work though has been relearning some good habits, and as soon as I'm able I, like you, am headed back to the gym. Crohn's never kept me thin like it does for a lot of people, and my weight has fluctuated dramatically over the years. Tonight a friend of mine came over and she commented that I had lost more weight. She said that and I thought to myself.... yeah, but I'm still kinda fat. So the gym it is, and no more drive-thru windows.

 

[Agent X20]

Benson, after my intial bout with crohns as a teenager I went years... decades... without major symptoms, without medication, and doing all kinds of active stuff. Hope you keep going for years too and get back to the gym with a vengeance.

My "light" is getting back to playing bass (or sax) with a live band... it's just too much at the moment, but who knows!

 

[JillianB82]

*Claps* Good for you B!!! I'm so proud of you!

 

[BWS1982]

Fenway, are you still not well enough to travel or is it a time/money issue or both? I don't know about the "lost" part, but the scenic part I approve of.

AppleAdams, depending on where you live, just being outdoors and whatnot can be sufficient to at least offset fat gains, if not spur losses. When I'm cutting/trimming, I look at every item of food as a number, either a number of calories, or a number of minutes of cardio I'd have to do to burn it off (usually 10 cals a minute is a solid average for cardio)....it helped blunt cravings and justified my missing out. I also used a strong guilt mechanism, to the point that I dreaded the guilt more than I craved the food in question.

Steve, I suppose your only recourse is playing as a one man band.... (I'm assuming "just too much" indicates the time commitment or energy requirement is just not doable right now to keep up with others in a band)...Guess you could form your own band with some others who'd partake in sporadic practice/shows, so the demanding quality would be out of the equation etc...

I would think we all have something driving us to get better, or something or someone pulling us. Even in remission or without disease at all, people at least once in a while have something worth fighting for or working towards. A reason to stop smoking (loved ones), a reason to go back to school (money or a passion), a reason to lose weight (to go on more vacations with your kids), a reason to ________...etc...

It's probably the thing that you think/thought about most when you're lying in a hospital bed, the persistent dream that just wandered around your head during dire times...Like lately, Jan was probably fighting for Duncan and her new life, and her prospects of a better job situation, etc...and I don't think most of us choose what this something is, it's just there already.

I don't know, it's felt sort of like waking from a bad dream lately. Anyways, I just have to remember to go easy and not overdo it, and also have to ease back in my supplements.

 

[DanSJVDavis]

My light is finally getting my butt published and being able to do what I really love to do to make a living.

 

[fenway1971]

Benson - i feel great and it's time, not money, that's an issue. Last 6 months I just haven't felt strong enough to venture on a more adventurous trip other than business travel. planning on a trip to ireland/scotland in the fall.

 

[drew_wymore]

The obvious answer for all of us is the light at the end of the tunnel is from the endoscope .. I kid I kid.

Ask me in a couple weeks and I'll probably have a better answer =)

 

[kello82]

bens!! yay! im so happy for you.

drew- that was a good one lmao


hum. the light at the end of the tunnel? for me?
i really dont know. i cant see one at the moment. i feel like ive spent my whole life looking for the light at the end of this damn tunnel and i keep seeing it and then finally get there and...no. it was just a mirage. darkness once again.
so ive stopped looking for it or thinking about the light at the end, cause who knows if its coming or how far away it is.
i look for the lights IN the tunnel instead. right now they are small and not very bright, but there nonetheless. a good hug from mommy, daddy, or big brother. a good laugh. shopping via the newspaper sales flyers (lol!). good tasting food. feeling good that i have cleaned up a bit.

thats the best way i can explain it i guess. ive stopped looking forward to whats coming, cause i really couldnt bear to anymore. i find much more happiness in looking at what is now.

 

[BWS1982]

Don't know about that Drew, I think your body is already coming up with more enigmatic puzzles just for you, though I hope the couple weeks does put an end to it, finally. At this point, it sounds like you want answers more than a choice in what you have, almost as if you don't care what it is, as long as it's concrete and resolute.

Edit: sorry Kelly, you posted about when I did. I know you really haven't because I've read your posts, but it sounds like you gave up at first. Then I remember all you've been through, and realize I think you're just tired of the unknown and guesswork, and are going with the flow and savoring the moments as they come, making the best of each. Maybe by making enough small, dim lights, they'll lead you to a bright one at the end. I think. Just slap me if I'm wrong.

 

[drew_wymore]

Yeah B I don't much care what is wrong. I will shout "YEAH I WAS RIGHT B**CHES" in my head though if this test comes up positive because both my GI and Hematologist didn't want to run the tests but did because I gave them convincing reasons and if nothing else I can take satisfaction that I googled my own diagnosis. I've always liked solving puzzles except when I'm the puzzle that requires solving.

I suppose, if anything, the light at the end of the tunnel has always been 2 things. Hopefully I can see my daughter in the future and I'll be healthy and and financially back on my feet and the chance to start over yet again. Take the lessons learned from this journey along with what I already knew and apply it to the future as it were and see what happens this time =)

 

[kello82]

*slap!*

haha just kidding of course
there is no right or wrong here. and no i have not given up and im very glad that that can be told by my writing.

the beauty in all of it though, everything all of us go through, is that it sure does make you appreciate when its a bright day, in the tunnel or out of it. the bright day that many other people hurry through and is just another day to them, for us it is a day to savor.

since for us "bad" is so bad, when its good? its even better than "good"
if that makes sense.....

 

[BWS1982]

*slap*

Makes no sense at all. :tongue:

You're speaking about perception and relativity, something I struggle with myself. You're also speaking about subjectivity in what we consider a "bad day" and what "normal" people consider one.....And you're not allowed out of the tunnel, stick with the analogy, Kelly!

Drew, I want to be there when that line comes out about the tests, and see their expressions when you tell them Googling and common deduction skills trumped their expertise. Not because I feel you should gloat about it and they deserve a "BOO-YAH!" if they're wrong, but the irony of the situation calls for such interest.

 

[kello82]

hahha makes no sense at all. glad i could confuse you

omg drew PLEASE put a spy camera pen in your pocket so you can capture their reactions to show us!
DO IT

 

[BWS1982]

How about a pill cam taped to his forehead. Then when they ask what it's for, tell them he was trying to see what it was like to have one's head far up their ass.

Kidding.

 

[GoJohnnyGo]

That's great to hear Benson. Hope the setbacks are fewer and farther between.

Stick around in the meantime! Everyone likes to hear of better days.

 

[kello82]

HAH lmao!

hey look we have the same number of posts, except 1000 off!

edit-
oh dammit. i just made it not the same by posting that.....

 

[BWS1982]

Thanks GJG, it's nice to offset pessimism with optimism, I just have to ensure I don't forget what such "darkness" is like, so I can keep my perspective and not sound like I'm discounting or undermining anyone or their suffering.

You ruined the post correlation of 1000 by posting about the post correlation Kelly.

edit: you noticed it.

 

[drew_wymore]

How about a pill cam taped to his forehead. Then when they ask what it's for, tell them he was trying to see what it was like to have one's head far up their ass.

Kidding.

Naw maybe doing something like changing their office number to have "Mmm Bop" as a ring tone like House does would be an effective yet subtle dig :voodoo:

 

[GirlFriday]

Hahaha Benson and Kello, that post correlation thing nearly made me spit my tea over the computer. Hahaha Kello your edit ws so funny

Really happy to hear you are reaching your light Benson, that's so awesome.

My light? Being healthy enough to start a family with my lovely husband. Succesful pregnancy, healthy baby and being stong enough to take care of them, him and myself.

Wow. I only just realised that one of my biggest fears with this disease is that I won't be well enough to be the strong, loving and happy centre of a little family. Hmmm *pondering*

 

[Agent X20]

Steve, I suppose your only recourse is playing as a one man band.... (I'm assuming "just too much" indicates the time commitment or energy requirement is just not doable right now to keep up with others in a band)...Guess you could form your own band with some others who'd partake in sporadic practice/shows, so the demanding quality would be out of the equation etc...

Benson.. that all makes sense. It's the energy requirement more than the time commitment, and the eternal conundrum: you need to do loads of gigs for the band to really get going... but I haven't got the energy to do loads of gigs. Not sure if I really want to be in a crap band.

As for the one man band, I've been recording my own stuff... but that means I've had to practise other instruments that I'm not so good at, and currently everything's on hold while I'm honing my guitar skills. But it's good fun and at least I'm going in the right direction... which I think is at the heart of the message you're trying to convey... where there's a will, there's a way.

Good thread!

 

[Jerman]

Last night, I had my first hardcore workout in nearly 2 years at the gym (well my gf's gym, she can bring a guest once a week, mine's not reactivated yet) with real equipment and real opportunity. I did minor stuff at home until now to try to prevent loss of progress here and there the last 2 years, but it did very little....It was incredible because the horrid flare up of 2 years has just felt like eternity, I felt like I found something I lost years ago. I did all that I used to do in there, my music, gloves, focus, etc..., minus the higher numbers I could put up, but that will return in time. I had a post workout shake/meal too, which was more blissful "nostalgia". I haven't had the sensation and sense of accomplishment in a long while, like I'm working towards something again.

That said, I'm going back to work on the 27th of the month, and though I can do that again too, I'm not "looking forward to it" the same way, it's just something that has to be done. But a passion in life that's stolen from you can be recovered (that's what the phrase in my signature means) and we all can get it back in time... whether time alone grants us a return of it, or we fight for it, or others fight for it for us because we don't have it in us anymore. I can do many things now in life again that I couldn't before (well, almost everything, since urgency problems are practically eliminated now)...I can go to movies, hang out with friends, go to social gatherings, attractions, out to eat, shopping, fill in the blank....I'm virtually normal again, sans a label on my medical file (which may affect alternative employment), about 5% of my symptoms still remaining, and a crap ton of awful memories. This may or may not be temporary, but I don't care, I've never savored "normal" so much.

I'm not holding other people back anymore; there's weight off my shoulders. My life can take steps forward again, the pieces can be realigned, and as a result so can my gf's life, who's been incredible and instrumental during this entire piece of **** hand dealt to me.

In one word, it feels like victory. :ybiggrin:

What's the light at the end of the tunnel that you see, what is the source of it? What is there at the end of it, waiting for culmination and absolution? What or who makes it shine for you during the darkness that currently swallows you?

Congrats to you Benson! I am very happy to hear that things are going so well for you. It is so very important to remember what we do have in the hear and now as well as to dare to dream a bit for what used to be or what has not yet happened.

The workout thing is priceless. For me, it was amateur boxing and the one to one competition from it. It was a way to keep fit, confident, and an AMAZING stress release. Of course being a bit older now and the father of four calls for an adjustment of this activity ( minimize head injuries) but I can get almost the same rush just working out with the same equipment. I cant wait until i feel strong enough to get back.

I am glad for you that you also have someone in your life rooting for you through both the good and the bad times. Good luck to you, try to pace yourself and enjoy the ride- dont go for perfection right away.

Also good luck with the work thing, I too have a job waiting for me when/if I can get better. I have worked for the past 21 years for people with physical and cognitive challenges, and helped them to find work in their communities. This is a part of my life that I miss terribly. I gleaned a strong sense of purpose from this type of work. Best of luck take care.

 

[Joe]

The light in the tunnel is from...... THE TRAIN! OMFG GET OFF THE TRACKS



Sorry. Couldn't help it.

 

[Procyon]

I was a very depressed boy, not so long ago. I still am in some respects. At one point, I even found myself wishing I was dead. But my most recent flare up made me think about actually dying...and I kinda learned that so long as I have been blessed with life, as painful as it can be at times, I might as well use that life for something worthwhile, something that might result in other people seeing a light at the end of their tunnels. In many respects, I'm a hypocrite for even suggesting something along the lines of, "The light in the tunnel is from my motivation to use my life for something meaningful, something that will ease the suffering of others," because some things still depress me, and I'm just so self-absorbed that I tend to forget other people have problems too. But that's where I stand right now, anyway. Don't even know if it makes much sense.

 

[drew_wymore]

I was a very depressed boy, not so long ago. I still am in some respects. At one point, I even found myself wishing I was dead. But my most recent flare up made me think about actually dying...and I kinda learned that so long as I have been blessed with life, as painful as it can be at times, I might as well use that life for something worthwhile, something that might result in other people seeing a light at the end of their tunnels. In many respects, I'm a hypocrite for even suggesting something along the lines of, "The light in the tunnel is from my motivation to use my life for something meaningful, something that will ease the suffering of others," because some things still depress me, and I'm just so self-absorbed that I tend to forget other people have problems too. But that's where I stand right now, anyway. Don't even know if it makes much sense.

That's not hypocritical of you Procyon. We've all been depressed at one time or another. It's cool though that you've chosen to channel your energies to help others in need because you've been through some rough times in your life yourself so you know how it feels to be in pain and depressed so you can relate with others in that respect and hopefully help them through whatever they happen to be facing.

 

[BWS1982]

I agree with Drew, I think it's reflective of the human condition, but what's more crucial was/is your capacity to recognize such qualities in yourself, and judge them accordingly...

Steve, just go with the one man band thing on your own time. Ian Thornley recorded EVERYTHING on his latest rock album, vocals and all, and you couldn't really hear a difference from his prior album when he had I think it was 4 others with him. Just keep the guitar next to the "loo" as you call it.

Jerman, the head injuries thing would be my biggest fear. I knew a semi-pro boxer who competed in downtown Chicago that lived by me/trained at my old gym a few years ago. All I could think about was how one could focus on "getting in shape" and becoming up to par as your competition when the whole bludgeoning issue is a big risk. Take away the brain damage risk and broken nose potential and it's not so bad. That's why I like the bag, it doesn't hit back or get mad when you "forfeit"

Went back to my actual gym tonight for a leg/traps workout for first time in like a year, when I was done, went waddling back to my car, I'll be hurting tomorrow I bet. Started creatine again, too...The place didn't look too different, but they removed the damn paper towel dispenser in the bathroom, now I have to spend the critical 30 minutes following a workout waiting for that archaic hand blow-dryer device to fully dry my hands. Dammit. Oh, and they removed the stretching devices, I don't get it?

 

[D Bergy]

Keep at the exercise if you can. Remember that LDN works on the premise of boosting endorphins. Exercise does this to some extent. You may actually be treating your disease by working out.

It really is great that you are "off of the tracks". I always see the light as a possible train. I am not an optimistic person, but realistic with a ingrained suspicion of most everything.

You are feeling better, and that is what it is all about. Enjoy yourself.

Dan

 

[Jerman]

Jerman, the head injuries thing would be my biggest fear. I knew a semi-pro boxer who competed in downtown Chicago that lived by me/trained at my old gym a few years ago. All I could think about was how one could focus on "getting in shape" and becoming up to par as your competition when the whole bludgeoning issue is a big risk. Take away the brain damage risk and broken nose potential and it's not so bad. That's why I like the bag, it doesn't hit back or get mad when you "forfeit"

Benson, You are absolutely right, the head injury issue is just to real to not take seriously. Even with having the luxury of headgear in the amateurs, I have had more concussions ybatty: )than I would like to admit. (some from human services work too).

However, in terms of competition there is really nothing like it. You are matching will and skill against an opponent. For me there was a bit of the Giant Killer mindset as well because most opponents were taller (5'8"). :lol: Those days are way behind me know with a wife and 4 kids, it is just not appropriate for me anymore. Too much risk. Can't have Dad going soft in the head and start wandering into one of the kids room and mistake a clotheshamper for a toilet! :lol:

Have you ever worked out with a double end bag? It is a round bag that hangs from ceiling to floor and it actually does "hit back". It is a blast to work out with.