Hehe, gotumtum, was it I who told you about the word 'malaise'? I think it was but I can't remember. Anyway - nice word, isn't it. I use it to describe 'my' patients who present with that when I'm presenting to my attending.
So anyway...I'm not caught up on the discussion and I apologize for that. To be perfectly honest, I am just so worn out and exhausted that I am not up to reading it all. I really just wanted to come here and rant a little bit. I think this is going to be long and I seriously do not blame anyone for just scrolling past this whole post. I just have to get this all off my chest! So read it or not:
Today was bad bad bad in terms of bowel stuff. Just constant back and forth from the toilet, some pain, some blood. All in all, not my worst day, but definitely close to that side of the spectrum. I had the day off from the clinic today as my attending wasn't working, so the good thing is that at least I was spared going through that at work/being sent home/being signed in as a patient myself! Although, of course, it's not coincidence - it's only because while I'm working at the clinic, I hardly eat all day. I'm busy so it doesn't bother me, and then I don't have to run to the bathroom as much. Even though I still get pain, it's not as much of an interference as running to the bathroom every 5 min and feeling like you might not be able to hold it in long enough. ANYWAY.
Being at home today meant that I ate like normal; knowing that tomorrow I'm on a clear diet diet meant that I ate even more than normal because I'm a human being like that
The stupid thing is that I didn't even eat THAT MUCH. It doesn't even come close to what some of my 'bad eating days' are like. And yet, I've been spending the day in the bathroom.
But...even though I've been spending the day in the bathroom, I have hardly had any real BMs. Two, I think I counted. All the rest were basically just small amounts of very loose stool, sometimes accompanied by blood and/or mucus. The two that were more normal were hard to pass and, once again, narrow. I'm starting to suspect a stricture somewhere up in there because the pain "feels" like stuff if trying to push through too narrow an opening, the stools look like that's the case, and the lack of stools supports that possibility. The small amounts of loose stools and the gas (which is LESS than the amount of gas I had been passing) seems to me like could just be overflow D. After all, liquids and gasses are more compresable than solids, and they can seep through small openings where solid matter can't. Meanwhile, the stool that can't get past stays stuck in some part of my bowels getting drier and drier the more time it spends in there are my body continues to absorb the liquids from it like its programmed to do. And that makes it that much harder and more painful to pass.
Obviously that's just what it FEELS like to me and that's just my guess. It could be nothing after all, right? *rolls eyes*
And can we talk about hiccups real quick? Has anybody been having hiccups with abnormally increased frequency from their usual? Because I have! What is up with that?! I don't know the specific function of hiccups and how they happen and what is involved in them. Here's what I do know (or what I think I know): they CAN have a correlation with Crohn's (and, yes, a bunch of other things - but the point is that the possibility they are related to my GI issues is there and maybe even quite high).
A few hours ago I finished eating for the day, which means that I'm officially on my clear liquids diet now. I start the prep at around 2-3 pm tomorrow and my scope is early Friday morning. I'm not even going to talk about what I hope they do/don't find or what my expectations are or any of that. I just want to go out of the colonoscopy in a better position to treat this, or further on the road to feeling better, than I was when I went in. I'm upset because I was hoping to have this all figured out before the beginning of the school year; but no, that won't be the case now, because I start school on Monday (well, Tuesday technically but just for this first week). I'm in PRE-MED - I can't miss any school! It just doesn't work. Not possible. I CAN NOT MISS SCHOOL. NOOOOOO! So. My mom understands that, luckily, and we already told the nurse we're going to want to discuss everything with my doctor both before and after the procedure - especially about that. If he finds evidence of something and can diagnose me, then I'll start treatment. If not, we're going to see what we can do to get to that point ASAP. As the colonoscopy will take up the entirety of my deductible, I can do every single test and the insurance will pay for it, so I definitely have no objection to doing that if need be (before the new year obviously). Pill cam, upper endoscopy, MRE, whatever. I told my mom that, if the docs agree it would be useful, I'd like to have a diagnostic laparoscopy or even an exploratory laparotomy - heck, I might even push for that if I end up still without answers after every other procedure. Surprisingly, my mom agreed with me. Both because of the deductible thing, and also because she just heard from a friend that her sister had some major bowel problem that no test could find until finally they just opened her up. Well I don't mind! Open me up! It's a bonus for me if they record it, that way I'll have an educational DVD to help me study for med school :lol:
I'll just have to see what happens. At least I have my physician/attending/mentor to help me through whatever the outcome is. And, bonus points, she is the one who referred me to my GI doc in the first place - meaning that she knows him and can talk together with him to come up with a plan for my care and treatment. And she will advocate for me, I know that; she had been a great advocate as my doctor in the first place, but now? Now she's my mentor too, and we've gotten so close in the last two weeks, and just the other day she trusted me enough to ask for a last minute favor in case she gets held up next week to pick her daughter up from school. So YES, I think she will push for an answer for me. She keeps telling me, "I hope it's not Crohn's, I really hope it's just IBS," and I am SO with her on that! But it's sooooo good to know that if I exhaust all IBS treatment options and I'm still so unwell, that she will help me get the right treatment and get well. I really trust her, she's been helping me so much in the last couple of weeks (and obviously before). She told me good luck last night when I went home and I'm just thinking of that every time I get upset with having to do the colonoscopy or when I worry about what it will show. I'm thinking that it'll be done with quickly and I'll see her right after anyway since I'm going to the clinic and we can talk all about it then. And that helps.
It's almost half past midnight right now but I think I'll stay up a little later. The later I fall asleep, the later I can wake up, and the easier my day will be. I am not looking forward to the clear liquid diet and I'm not eagerly awaiting for it to be time to drink the prep, but I know that the overall process wasn't so bad last time so I am at least not too pessimistic from the start. The one concern I do have is that I hope the prep actually does clean me out - if I really do have a stricture, and not enough can go through it, it's going to be pretty hard and painful to fit a gallon of disgusting cocktail above it. Oh well - I've gotta do what I've gotta do! And to be quite honest, I do think that it will clear me out even if I do have a stricture. Now whether or not it will be painless...I think I'll cross that bridge when I get to it!
Ok. I think I'm done. Sorry for the rambling novel.
Can it just be Friday 9:00 am already?
Would be nice to skip straight to the part where I'm in the PACU and recovering
