Why are men so stubborn?

[clairebear]

I’ve been living with my boyfriend for the past 2 years, and over the past few months I’ve noticed that he as been making very frequent trips to the loo. About two weeks ago I went into the bathroom and when I lifted the toilet cover I found the toilet was blocked with lots of loo roll and to my horror I noticed it was bloody.
I waited for an opportunity to talk to him about it, and when I asked he said he’s having at least 5 of 6 bms a day (diarrhoea) and has noticed blood a few times.
But he says it’s nothing to worry about and refuses to go see a doc.
I just don’t know why he will not go to a doctor. It’s not as if he’s totally new to the big bad world of bowel problems – I’m a crohn’s sufferer (3 months post op and finally beginning to feel ‘normal’ again, will tell my story soon).
I’m sure he’s scared of what might be wrong, but how can I make him understand that the sooner he gets seen by a Doctor, the sooner he can begin treatment and get what ever it is sorted (or at least under control).
I know only too well from personal experience how difficult it is to take that initial step and talk to a doc about bowel problems. I’ve tried as sensitively as I can to persuade him to go to the doc, but he just refuses to talk about it. It’s affecting his well being, he complains of being tired all the time, and still he insists he hasn’t a problem. He say’s he’s just working too hard, but I know his work-load hasn’t increased.
I’m really worried about him. Has anybody any advice for me please?

 

[Kev]

hmmm. let me summarize... you've got a stubborn male, obviously very ill, yet afraid to go see a doc about a condition he probably has pre-determined to be both VERY embarrassing and identical in outcome to what he's seen you go thru.. Yet despite pressure from you, if he continues to stay in denial, then he doesn't have to face it, or the long term prognosis... And you are looking for some advice on how to solve it?

well, since i'm male, and stubborn (those two always seem to go hand in hand) the only advice I can offer is to grab the Yellow Pages, and look up the heading under 'Miracle Workers'.. OK, forget that, I shouldn't joke about something that you really need help with. I do know that we males seem to not only be stubborn but to actually get worse the more pressure is applied. that doesn't help you, but if you want to cover all of the bases, try sitting him down, telling him that ignoring this won't make it go away, and that the longer he delays, the greater the chance that his condition will continue deteriorate.. that symptoms of his type are better dealt with sooner vs later.. A small, more easily rectifiable situation can rapidly get out of controll. that happened to me.. It wasn't because I wasn't proactive seeing a doctor, it's just that the initial diagnosis was a mild case, but I continued to deteriorate, and couldn't get back in to see a doctor for a follow-up soon enuff. I ended up having emergency operation... lost nearly 2 feet of my colon as result. I wouldn't quote my case as an example, might scare him off of seeing dr totally..
anyway, make your best case for him seeing a doctor, perhaps even book him in, then back off. He knows he is ill, and with appt. booked, he really has no excuse not to go... If he does, great.. and I wish you both the best.. If he doesn't, then you have to face the fact that you can lead a man to a doctor, but you can't make him go.. or grow up, or face reality. that's something we men have to do solo..

And some of us arent' ready to surrender control of our lives to anyone else, even if it's the doctor. Even if we can't provide a rationale, grown up reason not to..

 

[clairebear]

I do know that we males seem to not only be stubborn but to actually get worse the more pressure is applied.

Oh how true that is!!

Kev, thanks so much for your reply. I think you hit the nail right on the head when you suggested looking up the Yellow Pages for a Miracle Worker.
Your post has definitely helped me – it has put a smile on my face
I suppose I know deep down, there’s nothing more I can do. I’ve talked to him as much as I can about going to the doctor.
He has to, as you say grow up and face reality. Hope that happens sooner rather than later!

 

[D Bergy]

Well, the short answer is "because he is a male". Stubborness, is not a good or bad thing. It is when it is applied to the wrong situation that it is a detriment.

I pride myself on my stubborness but I have learned to apply it to situations that call for this trait and not use it inappropriatly. For example, when I was taking my online computer networking course I refused to give up even though it would have been much easier to quit in the middle of the classes. I struggled though just on stubborness alone.

When we started our business things sucked and it appeared that we were not going to make it.

I made the decision that I was not going to give up until the last dog was hung and we are doing fine 14 years running.

So stubborness is not all bad.

What would scare the snot out of me in his situation is if you just happen to mention the following when the subject comes up on its own accord. Make sure you say it in a nonchalant manner.

" I guess the worst that can happen is you have to get a Colostomy bag if it gets too bad."

Then say no more about it. I can guarantee that he will think about it long after you have said it.

Then maybe he will take it more seriously.

Kev is absolutely right that pressuring him will only make him dig his heels in.

That way you are not telling him to do anything, but you have put it in a perspective that he can understand. I can't imagine anyone not being concerned about getting a bag if it can be avoided.

D Bergy

 

[KCMike]

Hey clairebear,

I'm with Kev on this one. I was the same way. It was a combination of stubbornness and denial. My wife tried to get me to go to the doctor for at least a year. I would have severe cramps, vomiting and some blood loss intermittent over that time. Each time it would last only a couple of days. I would say I feel much better now and would write it off as a virus or some bad food. Well after I started losing weight rapidly(about 10 lbs/month) I finally agreed to go see a doctor. The rest is history. After several tests(CT scans, bloodwork, colonoscopy) it was too late for meds. I had almost total blockage in my colon. They removed 12 inches of my colon and my appendix. If I had to do it all over again I would have gone to the doctor alot sooner. I'm not saying that surgery is inevitable, but the sooner he see's a doctor the better the chance of preventing or at least prolonging it. It's a helluva lot easier mentally, too. I know that at this time I don't have cancer and the next time I flareup I'll have a pretty good idea what it is and what to do about it. Not knowing what is wrong will only make things worse. I wish you the best!

 

[old hat]

There are, of course, several other possibilities to explain these symptoms. IBD isn't the most worrisome possibility and colostomy bag definitely isn't the worst that could happen

The worst possibility would be this
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000262.htm

The worst outcome if left untreated?

I would say that I don't mean to be alarming but that is exactly what I mean to be. He needs to quit playing around.

 

[clairebear]

Thanks for all the replies........ I'll update ye if there's any progress.

 

[DanSJVDavis]

Yeppers, even when I knew I had Crohn's I ended up trying to ignore it back in my early 20s and I suffered for it.

When I found myself in the hospital with a perforated bowel that nearly killed me and a 2 week stay (part of which was in ICU) where I got to battle peritonitis and a 6 month recovery time at home where I got to take care of an ostomy bag constantly and get up every three hours with three separate alarm clocks in my room to empty the thing at night so it wouldn't leak all over my bed, it kinda put things into perspective. Yeah, 86 lbs of skin and bone out of the hospital at 24 years old. At home for the first couple months, weak as a babe because all my muscle mass disappeared. Always having to make sure to keep an eye on the bag when I was out because if it got too full it would break the seal and leak. Always taking extra ostomy supplies with me wherever I went so that I could change it if it did leak or do quick repairs on the seal if it wasn't too bad. Never going too far from home without knowing where I could stop to empty the thing. Eating about every two hours or so because the perforation was in my ileum and food passed mega quickly or I'd get too dizzy and weak. The grocery bill skyrocketed.

And the agonizing pain associated with your intestine bursting and emptying your own bodily waste into your stomach cavity. On a scale of 1 to 10, easily a 12. You can feel it through drugs. While I was in the hospital that first few days I pretty much hit the button that administered the drugs as soon as I woke up from the previous dose until my battle with peritonitis started to slack off.

Then there's the learning the ins and outs of applying the ostomy bag. For the first couple months it was a non-stop struggle to figure out the best way to apply the things and keep them on. No eating or swallowing, period, until the new bag was on or the stoma would leak food or fluid while you were trying to apply the new bag, which would make the seal impossible to get right. Shaving around the area periodically or the bag would be horrendously difficult and painful to take off. Getting the new bag as ready as possible before taking the old one off.

Etc, etc....

Yeah, not to scare, but some people, especially stubborn ones, need to hear facts of what could happen if a problem is ignored. I learned so many things that I never wanted to know during that time because I was stubborn and wanted to just pretend I wasn't really that bad. Nearly died too.

So, yeah, dealing with all that and dealing with the many issues of an ostomy? FAR more embarrassing and dangerous than going to a doctor and talking about my bowel problems.

 

[lizziecee]

It could be something as simple as haemorrhoids - which is a quick fix laparoscopically these days. He will never know, unless he goes to see a doctor.

 

[Malcav]

sorry macarbe statistic for you 1 in 10 male deaths could have been avoided if the man had gone to the doctor when he first noticed the problem.
I have to admit that I like you boyfriend did the same. I lost 4 stone, could not walk with a straight back and was in agony all the time.
Buy the time i was forced to see the doctor he gave me 2 week to live if I did not have medical intevention.
7 years later here I am relativly fit and well.

 

[vickyoddsocks]

If your boyfriend has just read this, i think its important for him to realise that if he goes to the doctors now (whilst not been having symptoms for too long(and say, if it is crohns)) theres every chance he can be put on less agressive medication, and that could be as bad as it would get! I've heard of plenty of people who attend my colitis clinic who have never had severe flare ups and its all controlled sucsessfully by medication! Infact they just pop in once a year for a quick check up!
So really, he has the choice, and its soo much better not to be sorry.

 

[Shoeless]

Claire, my story is I went to the Doctor because I thought i had food poisioning from eating a bad Bratwurst. (LOL) and the GI specialist talked me into a colonoscopy. IT seems my intestines had eaten there own pathway and I was about ready for septic backup. I didn't want to have surgury. After my Dr was through cussing me out, i did have it, but would of died if i didn't. So get him to go.
A gal I was dating at the convinced me to go (only reason I did)