Hello everyone! Hope you all are doing well.I wanted to get others intake on dating with crohn's so here is my story.At the age of 6 I was diagnosed with crohn's and at the age of 11 or 12 I had surgery to get a colostomy (still have it at 23)Like most teenagers I had my first real boyfriend at the age of 16.After a few years of being with this guy and seeing how serious we was getting, I decided to tell him about my medical condition and fortunately for me he was very accepting.After we went our separate ways (but still talk sometimes) I met someone else but this time around decided to tell him early on about having crohn's.Thank God I didn't tell him everything because when our 2 month relationship went downhill he said that he hoped that my crohn's would kill me.So now recovering from that situation and haven't really been seeing anyone for a few years I'm ready to get back out there so my question is when is the right time to tell someone you have a medical condition.Do you tell them early on or do you wait.My fear is developing strong feelings for someone and once I have gotten too close and finally choose to tell them, their not understanding and then I'm left with my feelings hurt.What would you do?
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- Thread starter jessica22
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Hi Jessica, I think it's better to start by saying.. I try too eat healthy all the time..after a while that if you eat certain foods your intestines get upset.. and if you trust him and you know him well you can tell him about crohns. Because if you're dealing well with the condition he doesn't have to know right away..it's just another thing that comes with loving you as a person. We tend to forget that we aren't the only people with a condition.. the man you're talking to could very well have a condition too. just my 2 cents
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Hey Jessica, I always think it depends on the people. In the past, when I was younger I didn't even tell good friends. When I was in my later 20s, I said to myself, why not, and have pretty much told all my friends - usually when speaking about other things that are connected, I mentioned it.
Both my last two ex-gfs I told about Crohn's early on, we talked about something - I believe in one case it was alcohol and why I was only drinking little - and I talked about Crohn's and that I am doing well, but had it. My ex-ex gf was cool about it, we didn't really talk about it much later on. My ex-gf started being obsessed about it only after we broke up, a bit like your last relationship. We were having completely different views of the world and when she was angry she could be pretty aggressive, so I had enough after 6 months. Every single time we met again thereafter or talked on the phone, she would bring up Crohn's, asking me at least a dozen times whether that was the reason I broke up with her (it was not, and I told her a dozen times...).
Anyway, I am not sure how best to handle it, but generally I rather freely talk about it, than be uncomfortable having sort of a "secret". But again, it completely depends on the person. If someone is really, really a great person and you are on the same wave length, then I doubt it matters much for your relationship.
Both my last two ex-gfs I told about Crohn's early on, we talked about something - I believe in one case it was alcohol and why I was only drinking little - and I talked about Crohn's and that I am doing well, but had it. My ex-ex gf was cool about it, we didn't really talk about it much later on. My ex-gf started being obsessed about it only after we broke up, a bit like your last relationship. We were having completely different views of the world and when she was angry she could be pretty aggressive, so I had enough after 6 months. Every single time we met again thereafter or talked on the phone, she would bring up Crohn's, asking me at least a dozen times whether that was the reason I broke up with her (it was not, and I told her a dozen times...).
Anyway, I am not sure how best to handle it, but generally I rather freely talk about it, than be uncomfortable having sort of a "secret". But again, it completely depends on the person. If someone is really, really a great person and you are on the same wave length, then I doubt it matters much for your relationship.
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Hi Jessica, I went through something similar. I was dating a guy, we got close and I really liked him, when it decided to tell him about the crohns, I never saw him again. It really bothered me and made me hold off on dating. A few years later I decided to date again. What I did was I gradually explained it, didn't make a big deal out of it, but slowly explained that I have to watch what I eat, sometimes don't feel good, etc. thats what I did with the next guy I dated and he's now my supportive husband of 9 years. If you have any other questions, let me know.
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I have a colostomy aswell, I dated abit before I met my girlfriend. I would usually not say anything about having a disease or colostomy until 3rd or 4th date, usually thats about the time people expect to get intimate.
For me it always went over well, many girls rejected me because of my condition/stoma but they were all nice about it.
Also by the 3rd or 4th date I know if I like them enough to want to keep seeing them, but its not like I have strong feelings for them so walking seperate ways is not a big deal.
I was very depressed for awhile though after being rejected for crohns, but when you find the right person its worth going through the pain and stress.
Goodluck
For me it always went over well, many girls rejected me because of my condition/stoma but they were all nice about it.
Also by the 3rd or 4th date I know if I like them enough to want to keep seeing them, but its not like I have strong feelings for them so walking seperate ways is not a big deal.
I was very depressed for awhile though after being rejected for crohns, but when you find the right person its worth going through the pain and stress.
Goodluck
Just a update..I recently started talking back to this guy after 5 years.When I first met him I had my colostomy and we was intimate but he hadn't noticed it..Now almost 5 years later and reconnecting with each other we're also intimate now but he still hasn't noticed..In a few weeks I will be having surgery so I'm sure by then I'll probably have to explain to him my situation and if we have already been intimate and it wasn't a problem hopefully he'll be ok with it.
@Lam123 sorry just seeing your post.Thanks so much for sharing your experience with me.I definitely will be in touch if I have any questions and I'm so happy that you found someone to accept and love you for you.Since I will be having surgery soon the guy that I'm seeing,I think I will gradually explain to him also the way you did leading up to the surgery.I know he'll be surprised because overall I look pretty healthy and I have been knowing him for 5 years (with a break in between) and I never mentioned anything about being sick
@Alex. Hi! Thanks for your response I hope you are doing well.I know exactly what you mean because I sometimes do feel like I'm keeping a "secret".I also was the same way as far as not even telling close friends but once I got into adulthood I started being a little bit more open about it
