Boyfriend has crohn's

[Depressed]

I am very disappointed with myself but I'm unable to handle my boyfriend's illness. I want to be there for him and I want to support him. But it's difficult because he refuses to seek mental health care help. I have a lot of sympathy for him because of his pain, but the situation is such that he has been unemployed for a year now. He refuses to apply for disability welfare. He now lives with his parents who are conservative and won't be comfortable with me staying with him, he hasn't even mentioned me to them though we have been dating for a year and half. I would be happy to let him stay with me but unfortunately I'm not a USA citizen and I could only get a job in Europe, and he says he is too ill to travel to or stay in Europe. I've tried in vain to look for jobs in the USA, but in this xenophobic atmosphere and considering I work in a very niche field, it's hard for me to find a job. If he at least moved out of his parent's home, I could visit him in the USA very often and we could see each other because my job allows me to work from home on many days. But he has no plans to do that. He has let the illness defeat him so much that he refuses to find a way out of the situation, even on days when he is well and pain free, and he has had many such days, he wastes all his time being online and watching random YouTube videos. I think he's lost all motivation because admittedly an awful thing happened to him. I have immense sympathy and compassion for that. I'm a very ambitious and hardworking person but surely I'd be unmotivated and feel like not even trying to work or find a job anymore if I had such a difficult illness. But he's on a path such that he is doing nothing to change or make the best of his admittedly unfair situation. This has caused me immense stress, I am 30 and he is 28 years old, we haven't seen each other in 6 months...I cannot visit him because he lives with his parents and he refuses to visit me (even if I buy him a ticket) out of misplaced pride and because he feels too stressed to travel to Europe (even though I stay in a European country with excellent and state sponsored health care and modern facilities). My friends feel that because of this I have turned into a shell of my former self and I'm facing depression and loneliness and he's never able to be there for me in any way. At the same time, I feel tremendously guilty and awful for being close to breaking up with someone just cause they are ill. I like to think I'm a good person and I've tried so hard to help him. It's not just that he is ill. But it's that he is ill and he has let his illness mentally affect him such that he has lost all motivation. He often gets violently angry with me and has mood swings. And the way things are going, I imagine he will spend the rest of his life living with his parents and he and I won't have any future together ever. I'm sorry for such a long letter. I needed to just talk to someone, I can't talk to friends or my parents because they all just tell me to break up, and some are angry with me for not breaking up and getting out of what they see as a very bad, even emotionally abusive, situation for me. At the same time, I feel very guilty and am also afraid cause he has mentioned self harming tendencies before and I'll never forgive myself if he is harmed because of me. I have asked him several times to seek mental health care but he refuses to. Admittedly he has no insurance, but he could take some of my money, his parents are rich or he could also try some mental health care by using disability services. He refuses to look into any of this. How can I get him to try mental health care? Or is it better to break up and be friends, he's probably better off being with his family, he doesn't need the stress of a relationship and of handling my sorrow on top of his pain, and sadly because of circumstances, I can't really provide much support from so far away. I do love him and I miss him and there's no one Id rather talk to. But then, what kind of relationship is it if we only talk on skype and never see each other, ever? Also, he is handling his illness such that he is getting angrier every day and my friend who is a medical doctor told me that considering how badly he is handling his illness when it is not so severe, when his illness gets more severe, as it is bound to, he reckons there's a high chance he will get dangerously angry and possibly even violent.

 

[scottsma]

Wow.I don't know what to say !!! I will say that you have NOTHING to reproach yourself for.You sound like a nice person and an intelligent one.Forgive me for saying,but your boyfriend doesn't deserve you.This disease can cause all sorts of problems in relationships,if you allow it to. He seems to have decided that he isn't going to bother helping himself and would rather be cared for by his parents.There are many,many people who manage to hold down a job,run a house and raise a family as well as coping with crohns.Sure,they have bad times,but because of those who care about them and depend on them,they seek help and soldier on.I'm not telling you to walk away,but I think deep down you know it's the right thing to do,for you.I wish you well and I hope the decision you make is the best for both of you.

 

[ronroush7]

Let him know that you are there for him.

 

[kcindc]

This issue isn't Crohn's related.

Drop him. He isn't worth worrying about if he hasn't even mentioned you to his parents. He isn't worthy of being called a boyfriend. You can't save him. Only he can save himself.

You need general relationship advice and it really should be posted on a relationship board.

 

[Depressed]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply and be kind. It helps to hear the perspective of someone who doesn't know me or him since all my friends are too invested in this to be objective. I'll think about all your words carefully. Sorry for posting this here as opposed to a general relationship forum. I guess I just wanted the perspective of people who had experience with this condition so that I would be better able to understand how the condition affects motivation and behavior in a relationship (while of course realizing that not every case is similar and people are different). Thanks again. Just having someone listen and empathize helped me more than you realize.

 

[scottsma]

We do have a" partners of people with crohns" thread.Maybe that would help put things into perspective.I know you love him,but is your love strong enough,as Crohns is for life.Him living with his parents and you working away isn't helping.You can only know what the future might be if you had to deal with it together 24/7.