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CKnowsBest

CKnowsBest

Joined
Feb 26, 2009
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Just wondering how other people deal with telling potential/actual boyfriends and girlfriends about their illness?? I myself get self-conscious and a bit embarrassed when asked to elaborate on symptoms etc...:confused2:
 
Haha - I love this. Since I've been ill I've hated telling all my girlfriends about my illnesss. They only have to wikipedia it to see that I've been spending a heck of a lot of time on the toliet. Its funny, I think I've done a good job in hiding it myself I just say its inflammation of the digestive system and leave it upto them to imagine what horrors that may consist of.

I think if I met a girl with Crohn's before I myself got it, I don't think it would bother me. What do you reckon? I gets it depends on how much you like that person. In a weird way it would almost attract me to someone - because I know they wouldnt be like most of the cretinous girls I know who simply want to drink till there heads spin and go shopping. A Crohn's girl is probably an interesting girl - and would I guess, be gifted with the values of humilty and compassion.

Its a self image thing really isnt it? Ive spent the last three years at Uni - loving life,partying,studying just being fulfilled and now I'm unemployed and ill and on 15 tablets a day. Im worried about drinking alcohol(although I had a sucessful test run on Friday) and I'm worried about over doing it on the dancefloor!

Anyway Im rambling.
 
i am struggling with this now. i've been completely depressed. i won't even bother dating guys now because a) my self-esteem has dropped and b) i don't want to tell them i have crohn's....

i talk to a few guys but avoid ever actually going out with them... and i mention i have 'personal issues' or 'health stuff' going on, but i won't actually tell them it's crohn's cuz i'm scared/embarrased that they'll google it and think it's gross. i also don't even get the diarrhea thing and i hate people assuming that i do.


i imagine in my mind when i do get mentally in the right place and i'm ready to date, i'll just tell them very little... i'll say i have a digestive disorder (i won't even tell them the name of it lol) and maybe mention the immune system thing and then leave it at that.... but i won't tell them until i feel they actually care about me and know me enough.
 
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I'd just say that you should try and make sure you give these guys the chance to accept you for who you are.Try not to think the worst. Its amazing the compassion human beings are capable of. And any guy/girl who is put off by our illness isnt worth the time of day.

The worst thing you could do is close the door on the perfect guy simply out of your anxiety.

Love should not be a dream for people like us, we owe it ourselves to make sure that romance and love isnt something we sees in films and read in books. We owe it to ourselves to harness that happyness regardless of our illness.
 
what sucks is, i was with a guy who was with me when i got diagnosed and he's amazing and accepts it.. and i feel comfortable talking to him about it...

BUT...

unfortunately, i just didn't have strong enough romantic feelings for him, so i couldn't continue the relationship. but we're still friends.

i do notice that the people who knew me prior to diagnosis are cool with it, but it's completely a different situation imo... if i was with a guy and i was diagnosed with crohn's WHILE we were together, that's ok to me. lol

maybe i'll pretend i just got diagnosed whenever i do get into a new relationship! lol

i guess for me, it's more about stigma... fact is, people don't wanna be with sick people. it's innate... it is natural for us humans to want a strong and healthy mate... think back to when you didn't have crohn's, would you have dated a guy/girl with a serious disease? or even now, would you? let's be honest, it's not appealing.

especially this crohn's thing, it's just so unsexy.

but i'm sure i'll get to a place where i'll get over it.
 
the funny thing about this, is it's not as big of a deal as the person with crohn's disease thinks. i've had moments when i felt a little embarrassed, when someone told me they were reading about crohn's disease, but it just is what it is.

we all go to the bathroom. sometimes it's an embarrassing thing, for whatever reason, but we all do it. those of us with crohn's disease have some troubles, but they're not any more gross or embarrassing than "normal" bathroom things, are they? i don't think they are.

everyone has had diarrhea, everyone has been constipated. we've all had gas. we've all had infections and illness at some point in our lives.

you don't have to go into too much detail about your own symptoms. if there is something that causes you to feel especially embarrassed, you don't have to tell people about it. i never tell people about the bleeding, or hemorrhoids, or that i have to use suppositories. if i fell like i need to talk about that, i save it for my very close friends. when i tell people, i keep it slightly vague until i get to know them better.

the guy you want, will be a guy who will not be bothered by any of this. he will look it up on the internet and in books and try to find ways to help you feel better. he will understand. he will ask you questions about your bowel movements, because he wants you to be healthy and comfortable. even if it's a little awkward sometimes, he will be your friend.

when i was really sick, before i was diagnosed, when i was infected, it smelled really bad. really, really bad. i had to deal with that at work, at friend's houses, everywhere. people would pick on me a little bit sometimes, but i would just kind of laugh and say, "i can't help it!" dude, it was embarrassing.

no one denied my friendship or thought i was gross for it. i'm still just as beautiful and amazing as i always was, so are you ladies.


about not wanting to be with someone with a serious disease... this disease does not define you. you are so many other things first. you happen to have an issue with your immune system. i like to think of it almost like having a hang nail. hang nails come and go. flare ups come and go. symptoms come and go. it's just a part of your life, it is not who you are.

if some guy that seemed really cool to you, were to say, "hi, i have diabetes." would you walk away? i mean, lets talk about serious diseases.

also, you don't open with that. you don't say, "hi, i have crohn's disease." because it is not what makes you who you are. by the time you tell a guy you have crohn's disease, after you've talked about all the things you have in common, and all the ways you each think the other is amazing, it's not going to deter him. believe me.


just let go. we are all just as sexy now, as we were then.
 
I'm totally with what jenny and Kuwabara said. I was diagnosed in August this year. I started seeing my current boyfriend nearly 6 six weeks before i was diagnosed, although had the symptons. We've now been together for 4months today actually and i couldn't have gotten throught this whole thing without him. At the start he started researching the disease more then me, and even had a family friend that he would talk to that has crohn's. When I had my first stint in hospital 5 weeks ago he wouldnt leave my side. now even bought me a pill box for all my pills.

At first i thought why am i so lucky to have this man in my life, why does he want to be with me, i have a disease.....I even gave him the opportunity to run....he gets so cranky when i say stuff like that. now we talk about everything, hell i even call him to let him know i;ve had a damn good bowel movement for the day. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with this man.

you cant deny yourself to fall in love just becuase you have crohn's. god only gave us this disease becuase he knew we are strong and can handle it. we all deserve to find love and get lost in it. let it happen, there are so many genuine great guys out there that will be more than willing to date u.
 
Exactly! The right person will care that you have Crohn's, but when I say care, I mean care for you...

I've been married many years, but hubby just takes it in his stride.... I did a "genuine fart" the other day... by genuine, I mean one that didnt go via the scenic route and didn't arrive with the liquid contents of my bowel, it was a genuine windy trump! We both cheered in a very childish way and celebrated my incredible achievement. I think most people would turn their noses up in disgust at how juvenile we can be, but if you find someone you can have a laugh about it with then things get so much better... as per the above posts...every one poops...some of us just do it with more pomp and ceremony!

I tell everyone I have Crohn's - I am not ashamed - it's just an illness, so far no one has looked at me with disgust.... I have had the desperate pity look a couple of times, but only from the types of people who can't see the funny side of a fart...

Lishyloo
 
I dont exactly have much luck with women to begin with.... but on the few occasions i have been out with someone ive always been totally open about it, im not really embarassed about it, and its better being out in the open than having to awnser questions if i get any stomach pains or have to rush to the loo!
 
I'm pretty outgoing so I just let it all out there. I'm past the point of being embarrassed with this disease (15 years now) so I'll pretty much tell anyone who will listen.
 
great thread, thanks jenny and others, i really needed to read all of this.

i do know inside that it's ME who has the issue... all of my friends and close coworkers know about the crohn's and it's fine, but again, i figure it's because they have known me for many years....

and yes, like i mentioned...the last guy i was with was amazing... he'd go to information sessions with me, offered to go to support groups with me, would take me to all of my appts, was the one who took me to emerg and was there when i was first diagnosed and i could talk about my symptoms (he even signed up to this forum to see what it's about lol)... i guess i just thought he was like that because - first of all, he is a very sweet guy, but also he already knew me and he could also empathize somewhat because he has to take medication for anxiety/OCD...

it's funny, some other guy who's been trying to get me to go out with him, won't stop asking me... even though i brush him off and say, 'no you know my deal...' (since i told him i'm trying to focus on myself and i have some serious health issues going on, but i didn't say it was crohn's just immune system related) and he knows i get a treatment that involves 'sitting with an iv in my arm for a couple hours'...

and he always says "yeah i know your 'deal', but why do you want to let it stop you from having fun? if i cared, i wouldn't keep asking you out"...

i just don't want to be disappointed or hurt... i also have the major self-esteem issues because i've gained SO MUCH weight... and he knows me from when i looked better... i avoid seeing him while i'm like this lol.

so i'll just keep working on myself, and try to get to the right mental state and once i get over this negative attitude, i will give dating a try. you all are very right.
 
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another thing, you know it's funny... if someone says 'i have Asthma' or something, nobody thinks anything of it, and if a guy told me that, of course i'd still date him... but i think it's because we know about it.

but when it comes down to it, we could look at crohn's as something similar because it also has to do with the immune system, and just like people with asthma may have a flare up and difficulty breathing... someone with crohn's will have a flare up with their digestive system and have difficulty going to the washroom or eating.

so maybe it's good to compare it to something that's more relatable or recognizable to people? make it a little simpler.
 
I agree entireley what everyone has said really - your partners must accept you for who you are and I pity any man or woman who lacks the empathy or strength of will to see past this disease. In many ways there illness of spirit is far worse than our physical ailment.

To be honest cheeky it sounds like you have plenty of guys who are willing to accept you for who you are and who find you physically attractive so the only problem it seems comes from exposing yourself to being hurt.If these guys do not turn out to be as loving as they seem. Then again if we do not surrender ourselves to others how can we ever truly understand love? Its a gamble we must take and the rewards are the greatest any man or woman can reap, the possible rejection however can become the deepest wound to most souls. But without running the risk how we can ever experience love?Or even experience life? We cannot afford to live in a state of emotional paralysis because of this disease.

I'll just leave you with a few quotes from one of my favourite philsophers -Michel De Montaigne

'Even Kings and Philosophers ****'
'Even upon the highest throne we are all upon our arses'
'I am a man and nothing human is foreign to me'


This is what should run through your head when you worry about your 'bodily functions'. Our bodies betray us all-even Kings and Philosophers no matter how enshrined in awe we may be of them -they all experience the same anxieties of the body.

I often think these kinda thoughts when looking at the most beautiful vain girls - the ones who do not care for those other than the jock,frat,muscle clad twats. I pity them.
 
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Awww hun! My boyfriend and I started dating right before I started getting sick, so he watched my downfall and actually stuck with me thru the whole thing, McDreamy or something I know, I'm mostly open with him but I rarely tell him about the gross stuff except vaguely when I need space or need a hospital. The guy that sticks around is definitely the one to keep around :) I have dated guys in the past that i KNOW would not have stuck around, a-holes lol.

But as far as friends go, it sux because so many of them dont understand and stop inviting u out because of cancelling plans because we have no energy and feel like poop so much. Ugh. If a friend doesnt want to understand or be there for you, they're NOT worth having, love. You guys are some of the good friends I have now :) Feel free to PM me anytime hun!! (((((Hugs)))))
 
kuwabara you're very smart aren't you? you're right

bella_sky, glad you have yourself a good man and thanks for your kind words and support.
 
Hello,
I am back on the dating scene for 2 years now. I understand the hesitation sometimes to tell someone that you have crohns. The last date I went on I believe he just thought I was a picky eater! I usually change the entire order of the meal so I am able to eat it! The guy also thought that I have this wonderful life that I just chose to quit my job and go to school part time instead, while affording my apartment and car ect....He thought I just do lesuire activities, wake up without an alarm, and make luch go to a class and just enjoy every moment in life. Little did he know that I am on disability for almost a year now, sleep a lot of days away because I feel that I cannot get up. Have aches, and abdominal pain, go for Remicade every two months, have a hit or miss never knowing when its going to be a bad day, and struggle to get through the simple 3 classes I took for the Masters program I am in. Not something you say on a first date! No it didnt work out with him but I always wonder when is the right moment to tell why you have the life style or habbits you do.
 
I'd been married for years before I got hit with CD, and my DH never turned a hair - it was just one of those things. More interestingly, I've had a few propositions since my diagnosis from people who know I've got CD - they don't see the disease, they just see 'me'. Still married btw, talking about propositions I get without intending to!

I keep the whole CD thing fairly quiet - I'm not very comfortable with the world at large knowing - it's the toilet thing, isn't it (rolling my eyes massively at myself). It's never affected how people perceive me though - no matter how much I hate it, how embarassing I find it - it's never stopped me being seen as a 'normal' person.

I think that if you take it steady with a prospective partner, then it will be fine - CD isn't pretty or fun, but then neither is psoriasis or asthma or excema - and we accept all of those readily enough. My current crush (entirely platonic apart from in my head) has scarring on his neck from a water burn when he was a toddler. It's not pretty - but it's part of him, and he's no less attractive for it.
 
Thanks for all the positive feedback! Well, I'm 20 and single at the mo and wondering how to deal with confessing to potentials! My ex didn't know much at all; just knew I was sick and that I'd spend time in hospital and take medication...but recently, in college, I was telling my best friend's housemate that I don't drink alcohol cos I'm on methotrexate; he asked for what and I vaguely answered, 'Oh just an auto-immune disorder' and he turns around and goes, 'It's not Crohn's, is it?'!! I confirmed and he launched into these very GRAPHIC stories his cousin, who also has it, has told him about his desperation for defecation (has a ring to it, no?!) and told all his housemates I've awful problems with 'shitting'! I was mortified!!! Got me thinking then about people's reactions!! I tend to keep schtum about it usually, which I tried to do here, but he already knew too much! Lol!
Anyone here get so embarrassed and conscious when they need to use a public toilet or even a friend's that they just cannot go and get awful pains and nausea from holding it??!!
 
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Thanks for the compliment Cheeky its appreciated.

Its weird the sort of things you do to cover your illness up - Ive got a really strange one where instead of calling it 'the hospital' I call it 'the krankenhaus' -the German word for hospital. Its just hospital has got just the weight of dreaded implications of death/illness and everyone asks you in hushed tones if you're ok. Whereas Krankenhaus sounds like some crazy clinic where mad doctors click you back into health- at least in my head that's the case.

Or when I had loadsa blood tests my freinds would ask me what they were for i'd just joke that the last blood I gave was so awesome that they wanted more. I was off the scale for awesomeness sort of thing.

When I had my MRI scan I kept on telling people I was actually going along just to make the machine malfunction and give me powers like Magneto from X-Men. I was a Government project gone wrong. They gave me Crohn's disease rather than the power to control magnetism.

But I guess the closer people get theres only a certain distance you can maintain before crumbling. I remeber before my colonoscopy my best mate came round and he wanted to go out on the day of my appointment - I just said I was in the Krankenhaus. But he just asked me straight up 'Are you having the camera up your arse?' - Always one to avoid embarassment I said no, but I'm a rubbish liar, and my flimsy tissues of lies were soon exposed and I fell apart quicker than a leper in a wind tunnel. The truth was kinda liberating though.

I'm happily single at the moment- unfortunatley I live in a town where the vast majority of the women my age(22) are already pregnant,or are rendered infertile from alcohol abuse/idiocy. Most of the them chew the corners of books rather than read them. The other week I was accused of being 'brainy' because I watch the news- that's the level were dealing with here. You've got to love them.

However I do not fear telling people about my Crohn's.
 
that is messed up. guys need sensitivity training, mandatory classes in elementary, middle, highschool and college.
 
I was lucky that i met my boyfriend when i was in remission and had everything under control :) And i did tell him a few weeks into us seeing each other, and it didnt seem to bother him one little bit. 2 months into our relationship he started a new job as an IT Tech in a hospital, so he saw a lot of things worse than me, and then when i got admitted last month he was quite used to hospitals and was so supportive and was always making sure i had everything that i needed and was comfy - i remember that once i had come out of recovery from the op and was back on the ward, he was waiting for me and made sure i had actually fallen asleep before he went home, and made sure he was there when i woke up the next morning.

I love him so much and am missing him so much today (and for the next week) as he is in Abu Dhabi marshelling for the F1 Grand Prix, and he has been my rock the past few weeks :)

OOO yeah just remember something, i asked him a week ago if he actually knew what crohns was, and he said yea and that he had been doing a lot of reading about it so that he cud try and understand what i was going through and cud try and help me :)
 
Interesting....

That I saw this today, because my bf and I just broke up, and a large portion of our issues are due to his support of my IBS/colitis/crohn's/Whatever the heck I have. His way of helping is always stressing me about my vitamins, meds and foods, almost accusatory in terms of what I have done or not done to make myself sick. All I really want is someone to hug me and rub my back and tell me it'll be ok.

Right now I'm in the middle of a flare, my gastroenterologist won't read the results of my capsule endoscopy because he waits for his partner to do it (who is on vacay), so he just gave me more vicodin until next week. In the meantime, i'm in pain, losin weight, can't eat, and just got dumped.

My advice, is to tell people about your illness and give them information to read, even the link to this forum. Also, tell them WHAT you NEED in terms of support and what helps, up front. Not everyone can handle it.

I hope my ex changes his mind because I really love him and thought he was the one...:depressed:
 
It's easier for guys with Crohn's than it is for girls because girls aren't supposed to poop. I dunno.... it's never been a big deal for me. Just tell the person. If it's a problem for them, so be it. You're better off without them.
 
I was diagnosed with crohns when I had been with my husband for five years - and to be honest he was hopeless, when I was in hospital having op he couldnt even look after my kids properly, needless to say I divorced him! My partner now is someone who I knew as a friend for 4 years before we got together, and he makes it his business to keep an eye on what Im eating and generally being there for me, obviously I am still private about toilet habits but then even if I hadnt got crohns I would be the same, - and I would die of shame if I broke wind in front of him. Working in an all male environment is a challenge too, - I had to tell the guys quite quickly of the illness cos the were starting to look a bit strangely at me cos was always disappearing to loo, - they made obvious tasteless jokes but I fronted them up and told them to look on internet about it, once they had done that they soon shut up!
 
Some very good advice and opinions given on this thread so far!

I was diagnosed when I was 16, so it seems like I've always had crohns - so I don't think I've given it a lot of thought. I've always had quite a talent for messing up my relationships without the need to even bring crohns into it!
After two disastrous marriages my current wife is absolutley lovely (she's a proper Yorkshire lass, Kuwabara, and doesn't chew the reading matter).
I wouldn't go so far as taking a photo of my latest BM and saying: "what do you think about that then"... but we get on all right and look out for each other.
 
Haha can't beat a Yorkshire lass Steve. I'm from Pontefract(or Ponte Carlo as us locals call it) I'm afraid. Out of 646 constituencies Pontefract ranked 6th lowest for people with degrees - 25% of young people are out of employment, back in the day we had educational levels of par with Eastern Europe, enough apparantly to give Wakefield district a European Grant. We are mainly book chewers in this town.

I think the general theme that runs though this forum is its just about finding the right person who can handle the pressures of the disease.
 
The girl I love doesn't poo. She is ALWAYS just powedering her nose or some other girly activity. (that's not a euphemism for taking cocaine by the way).

Why is it that girl's have to go to the toliet's in groups anyway?I know in my head I'd like to think its because they're deciding between themselves which one is going to seduce me but experience clearly tells me that is not the case. Can you tell that I don't understand women?
 
'Does the sun rise when you awake in the morning?' is that like the American equivalent of 'Do bears **** in the woods?'. Mind you at least you have bears, we just have fat pidgeons,disgruntled badgers and foxes who can talk.

By 'nuts' do you mean irrational? - concerned about how 'fat' they are, 'concerned' about celebrities and their relationships, believing in horoscopes and ghosts that sort of thing? Its a testement to the brilliance of life that I can be both so in love and in awe of women and thier beauty but also at the same time bloody annoyed by some of their habits! Curse you all!

I like the verb to 'jaw'. I may have to steal that for my lexicon.
 
I heart Dostoevsky. btw. Have you read Notes from the Underground? I really enjoy existentialism... Kafka's The Trial was a good one too.
 
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I'm afraid I'd lack the mental fortitude to make such a clever joke peaches. At this time of night I have the mental capacity of a squashed apricot.

KatieSue- Fyodor is the greatest writer of all time IMO. You know there was man called Osho - an Indian Guru, who had a library of 150,000 books - he had read them all and more beyond his own library and he came to the conclusion that Doestoevsky's Brothers Karamazov was more important than the Bible to him - in terms of the insight it gave into life,morality and human nature.

Anway this is for another time and place. As you say Peaches were jacking a thread here, my apologies.
 
I too think it just depends on the spouse or dating partner and if they are strong enough to handle it when we get sick. My first hubby couldn't handle it and kicked me to the curb - nice huh? The man I married 4 years ago is the complete opposite and while it is not easy for him at times I KNOW in my heart he would never abandon me or dump me cause I was sick - "in sickness and in health" means something to us both! I guess if someone really loves you and cares for you it will show when you are at your worst...as for the ex...I was thinking of sending him my 18 inches of diseased intestine they took out..you know as a gift...he could sautee it up with some onions and mushrooms ..eek! LOL
 
CrohnieCarolyn said:
I too think it just depends on the spouse or dating partner and if they are strong enough to handle it when we get sick. My first hubby couldn't handle it and kicked me to the curb - nice huh? The man I married 4 years ago is the complete opposite and while it is not easy for him at times I KNOW in my heart he would never abandon me or dump me cause I was sick - "in sickness and in health" means something to us both! I guess if someone really loves you and cares for you it will show when you are at your worst...as for the ex...I was thinking of sending him my 18 inches of diseased intestine they took out..you know as a gift...he could sautee it up with some onions and mushrooms ..eek! LOL
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LOL this made me laugh! The worst I have done in that regard is send an ex back his pyjamas that he left at my place, after incinerating them to ashes. If I ever get surgery i will remember to ask for the bits in case I need them for such an occasion!
 
Kuwabara said:
The girl I love doesn't poo. She is ALWAYS just powedering her nose or some other girly activity. (that's not a euphemism for taking cocaine by the way).

Why is it that girl's have to go to the toliet's in groups anyway?I know in my head I'd like to think its because they're deciding between themselves which one is going to seduce me but experience clearly tells me that is not the case. Can you tell that I don't understand women?
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LMAO!
 
Carolyn you aren't related to Hannibal Lector are you? Sending your diseased intestine sounds a bit extreme, I wouldn't recommend it.Last time i sent someone a body part the police became extremely interested in what I was upto. And I'm not talking about the 70's rock group. Although it would have been more amusing had Sting turned up at my door doing his whole. 'Eoooo. Eoooo'... thing.

Katie Sue yeah I've read Notes from the Underground - I found it difficult reading though because I could relate to it so much. I haven't read Kafka - I've seen the Trial film though. I'm a fan of Camus myself.

How can someone live with themselves if they abandon or let this disease come between them? I can't understand that mindset at all.
 
Kuwabara... you know... I may just have to re-read everything with Crohn's. I read them prediagnosis... I have a feeling the messages may be a LOT different now.

BTW... how do you feel about Nietszche?? Crazy sonuva... but pretty deep. I like a lot of his work.
 
For the record, girls go to the bathroom in groups because it is safer. Guys don’t understand how dangerous it is for girls sometimes, especially cute ones. You want a girl who can go to the bathroom alone, look for someone homely (JK!).

Oh yeah. We also do it so that we can talk about you boys. Tee hee!

I had always had trouble dating in the past, but it had always been MY PROBLEM, not the guys. Guys always wanted to date me even with the Crohns but I was just too self conscious to go for it. I thought that I would always be alone because I was so closed off and so afraid of being rejected when a guy found out what it was really like to be with me. I was afraid of being a burden on someone.

Then one day I realized that no one was perfect, and I wouldn’t hold someone else to that standard, so why should I do that to myself? Once I made the decision to let love in, it found me.

I meet my fiancé three years ago at a party during a snow storm. He knew about my Crohns right away and it never bothered him one bit. He thought that I was gorgeous and amazing and fun. He never makes me feel bad or embarrassed.

The thought of living with a man and letting him see how my life really works (bathroom time and all) was mortifying for me, but it has been fine. It is just life. Having someone who is there for me and loves me even when I am sick as a dog makes my life worth living. He is my home.

Crohns is a lesson in humility. It has taught me that you do not need to be perfect to be perfect for that one person who is really made for you. Everyone has problems, health or otherwise, and if you are going to be with someone for a long time and have a real relationship, you are going to find that out. Whenever I start to feel like I am a burden on Jer (which he never likes me to say), I ask myself, what if Jer gets cancer? Would I love him any less? Would I feel like he was somehow a burden on me? Of course not! I would love him just as much as I do now.

Also, this disease in a part of who I am, but it is not the most important or most interesting part. We are all a lot more than our bodies.
 
CrohnieCarolyn said:
I too think it just depends on the spouse or dating partner and if they are strong enough to handle it when we get sick. My first hubby couldn't handle it and kicked me to the curb - nice huh? The man I married 4 years ago is the complete opposite and while it is not easy for him at times I KNOW in my heart he would never abandon me or dump me cause I was sick - "in sickness and in health" means something to us both! I guess if someone really loves you and cares for you it will show when you are at your worst...as for the ex...I was thinking of sending him my 18 inches of diseased intestine they took out..you know as a gift...he could sautee it up with some onions and mushrooms ..eek! LOL
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Carolyn, LOVE IT. I'm totally considering it, hahaha.

J/k but still....
 
okay, so i'm definitely beginning to change my attitude about dating and my crohns...

i've been talking to this guy, who i like, but i don't really see it going anywhere on my end... but he really is interested in me...

we were just openning up a lot about different things, one of those late night talks for hours... so i ended up telling him about my crohn's...

and he's cool, doesn't phase him... he actually said it makes me more interesting and makes him like me even more, knowing everything i've been through and that i am the way i am.

so you all are right, it doesn't seem to matter at all to the 'good' people who aren't about judging you for something like this.

i'm still not ready to date, but i am gradually working on accepting this part of me and once i fully accept it, i'm now feeling reassured that i'll find someone who accepts it as part of me too.
 
I'd say bringing up the chrons is definitely not a first date kind of topic. I like to get to know someone first, and if I feel it could go somewhere then I'd bring it up. No need to spill your guts on the first date, you can save that for another time.
 
update - things have been going great with this guy!

he's genuinely into me for me... i can't believe how special this is.

i didn't want it to go anywhere before because of the distance between us, but it's too much of a good thing not to try it.
 
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lol! Bubbles, the comment about exploding- that was classic.

Anyway, I just recently rejoined the dating scene. It's always been kind of a challenge for me to meet people anyhow, so I joined plentyoffish.com (kinda like eharmony, but without the crazy high costs). Towards the end of my profile, I mentioned liking honesty, and with that said, that I just wanted to let everyone know that I have Crohn's disease. Then I gave a little blurb about what it is (an auto-immune disorder that effects the digestive system). My default picture is even showing my moon face from the Prednisone. With all that said, I still got quite a few responses. After weeding through them, I talked with one guy for quite a while, and then we decided to meet. After hanging out a bit, we've now decided to date each other exclusively. He's really sweet, and even though I haven't had a flare up since knowing him, I think he'll be really understanding and try to help me feel better- he already does some stuff like that, like going out to buy me some tylenol, making sure I'm warm, etc. My disease doesn't seem to bother him at all. My point is, it may take some effort (let's face it, every relationship search does), but if someone is worth your time, then they will see past your illness.
 
Yay for you Autrumn Rose :)
So far I only seem to come across idiots on those sites. One guy just banned me after sending an abusive message because I didn;t respond to him and I coulnd;t even defend myself as he banned me!!
 
Some of you women are vicious to your ex's...though, I have encountered some guys who probably deserve crap like that. I can't imagine doing something to piss a girl off that much, but I know there are a ton of *********s out there, too.

And what in the world could happen to a woman in a public bathroom at like a restaurant that you need to be in a pack for protection for? :confused2: There are waiters, staff and people all over, probably other women in there already, I don't get it? Or are you talking about like at an isolated bathroom like where you are nowhere near people, like, I don't know, at a state park? I guess I'm confused. I always imagined women going to the bathroom in packs because they're just social like that, I dunno. Do you chicks chat between stalls or something too? That sort of "comradery" with guys would be er, weird, as we have urinals.

That's awesome news, Cheeky! :)
 
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Us girls like to gossip in the toilets. Don't ask me why. but I always did that when I was younger and drunk! It's usually only an alcohol-induced behaviour. I don;t do it now and it's weird looking back on it!
And ye,s some of us are vicious about our exes, me included, because he treated me so very badly, though I shouldn't have put up with it for so long!
 
There are plenty of stand up guys in the world, make the tools aware of their "toolificity" (George Bush probably said that word, so it probably exists) :)

With guys it's a tad odd with the urinal thing, some guys are totally fine with it, they'll talk about the weather or the food if it's a restaurant, or work if it's at work, and other guys that's a big no no, IMO there is an unspoken rule, you just look down at your thing and aim at the cake, no eye contact, just do your business and leave. I don't want to be at a Hot Dog restaurant, and have a guy next to me ask if I liked my food. :)

Some guys disagree I guess.

Anyways, I am upset at an "ex", who lied to me, I call her an "ex" because we "dated" but her idea of dating was polyamorous in nature, so that was the first issue, even though she was upfront right away about that. "Dating" to her was having open relationships, which I didn't know until I dated her. Second issue was that she said she didn't want it to go further because she was leaving for college, yet a couple weeks later, just before leaving, she had a brand new bf and kept him even after leaving. I'm still "hurt", and last year she requested to be my friend on Myspace out of nowhere, then on facebook, but I have never told her about that hurt. I have thus far just kept it quiet. As you know, I for some stupid reason, thanks to my abnormal memory, feel hurt freshly (I remember my Grandma dying and the pain vividly, even though it was 10 years ago this last Sept 29), but I do my best to soldier on and chalk it up to her not wanting to hurt me, even though she still did. She was the one who got me into working out, bodybuilding, and forced me to change myself inside and out, and start my semi-autobiographical/fictional story "Mutiny Within" I'm writing off and on.

Anyways, great people are out there, horrid people are too. It's the "sifting job" that is the hardest part. Many rocks and pebbles will show up before there is gold in the pan. :)
 
The good thing is Benson that if she had stayed with you, you wouldn't be with your girl now! AND she got you into bodybuilding, so it wasn't all a losing situation.

My most recent ex was the worst by far of all my relationships and has caused a lot of what I hope isn't permanent damage. However, I can thank him for my photography, as it was him that bought me my first DSLR. It was also him that paid for me to do the first of the courses I have been doing in esoteric psychology, bodywork and such and if he hadn't I wouldn't have likely done it as I didn't have the cash. he was a bloody millionaire! What are the chances of finding one of those!!!

So, anyway, I got SOMETHING out of the relationship besides a whole lot of hurt!
 
I did really love him - the money was just a little bonus! (Worrying people may think I am shallow and I ain't!)
 
Actually, I was thinking you were being optimistic, at least more than I feel most would be. You thought of two great things. If someone pisses me off a lot, and hurts me, I tend to counter any good with the trauma, like the way a counter balance will teeter side to side. Maliciousness and cruelty and selfishness would weigh a lot, but you are thinking glass half full still. I hate unjust actions, especially when there is no remorse. Righteousness and morality are easy to me, everyone should know what that is.

Was he an extra as a hobbit or Gimli's neighbor in Lord of the Rings? Did he get his money from that?

btw, I read there are icebergs floating towards you and your nation is on warning about the coasts!
 
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Hah, must be the frame of mind I am in that I took you to be saying I NEEDED to be glass half full! Actually I am just forcing myself to think that way as it hurts too much otherwise.
No he wasn't a hobbit. Owns car sales businesses around the country (about 6 I think).
Yes they are already arranging flights to look at the icebergs - would be AWESOME, but way expensive. Where is my millionaire when I need him? ;)
 
I have a great story about dating and crohns and I am not even diagnosed yet.

This was in 2004, and I was still single at the time (I am now married)

I went out on a blind date, after a work friend set me up with a girl she knew.

We had some lunch at a mexican place, and all was well.

We had some McDonalds a few hours later, some soft serve deserts etc and went for a drive around the city.

The girl actually asked me "want to come back to my place for a coffee?".

I was very happy at the time and thought "oh yes, I AM IN!".

Anyway on her couch, bit of cuddling watching Rage (a music tv program) and I started to get a rumbling belly.

So I go to the bathroom, and I have a "dumb and dumber" moment.

Explosive diahorrea that lasts for 15 minutes. I look around for some air freshener and notice its nearly finished, but enough to purify the room somewhat.

I finally feel better and make my way out of the bathroom.

I sit down, smile it off and again we get to cludding. This time I accidentaly passed some wind which may or may have not had some "follow through".

I excused myself, leaving a small scent of lingering odor. :(

I again had another massive D, this time lasting well over 30 minutes. I also ran out of toilet paper and could not see any spare rolls.

So I had to ask for a spare roll (I had just gone through ONE entire roll.)

She gave me an extra roll and I finish up.

I try to spray the bathroom, but the air freshener has run out.

I ask for some extra, she said she didnt have any and that it was "okay".

The smell was unbearable and began to fill up her small flat, and she actually pulled out a cigarette and said "I normally do not smoke inside" and I try to be funny and go "Do you think its safe to do that right now?".

She did not smile.

I then had another episode of explosive diahorrea, and this time, while it did not last more than 15 minutes, I actually broke the handle of the bathroom door by turning it a little too hard.

All I remember was feeling the door handle go loose, and the metal handle dropping onto her wooden floor, making a loud clunking sound.

All I could say was "Sorry bout that it just fell off." :(

She then told me that it was getting late and that maybe she should go to bed and I was soooooo worried that I would have another explosive session while on my way home (I was an hours drive from home) that I asked if I could sleep over.

She gave me a bad look, but then agreed.

The story did not entirely end there.

I was a bit too tall to sleep on her couch, and she felt bad making me sleep on the floor.

So she let me sleep in her bed.

I went for 2 more sessions in the middle of the night...


...lets just say, I thanked her for a lovely date the next morning and never saw her again.



A couple of years later, I took my now wife on a 3 hour trip to a lake, and on the middle of the trip I suddenly had to go to the bathroom.

Lets just say we were in the middle of nowhere.

I held on for 30 minutes when I finally found a small town.

A few houses, small shops etc and a police stattion. Problem was the time, it was 2am. So I went to the police station and asked if I could use the bathroom.

After spending 20 minutes in there, I got interrogated afterwards, even about what I had eaten that day.

Luckily my girlfriend at the time decided I was nice enough to stick with and eventually married me. :D
 
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oh ezequiel, that was funny.


if you think its hard telling potential partners you have crohns, imagine what its like for us that have stomas. telling a partner you have a crap bag is no fun.
 
CKnowsBest said:
Just wondering how other people deal with telling potential/actual boyfriends and girlfriends about their illness?? I myself get self-conscious and a bit embarrassed when asked to elaborate on symptoms etc...:confused2:
Click to expand...

I am in the same boat but obviously I don't actually have potential boyfriends lol

I decided to get into the dating game and have joined an Ostomy dating site. For those interested, I won't spam the address but it's called OstoDate.com It's pretty good.

I recommend being proactive if you want to find a partner on the net. I say this because I feel less embarrassed typing than speaking about it face to face. In reality, why the hell should I feel embarrassed anyway but I guess I am kinda shy.

Ok, my rant is over. :hallo3: lol

So any single ladies here.? lol
 
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@ CKnowsBest - Are you kidding? You are beautiful and any man would consider himslef so lucky to have you!! How you feel are not how things are babes.

:hallo3:
 
Kuwabara said:
I agree entireley what everyone has said really - your partners must accept you for who you are and I pity any man or woman who lacks the empathy or strength of will to see past this disease. In many ways there illness of spirit is far worse than our physical ailment.
Click to expand...

A very interesting thread, and this quote most of all stood out to me. The fact that anyone could end a relationship with someone because they become ill, is hard for me to get my head around. As Kuwabara said, it really shows a poverty of spirit.

In saying that though, I can kind of understand how someone may not want to get involved with someone who is already unwell. They won't already have that emotional connection, and to be honest I worry about the future for myself, so I really couldn't blame someone else for not wanting to get involved with my own worries!

I am so lucky though, I'd been with my boyfriend for a number of years before I was diagnosed and he has been nothing but incredibly supportive. As soon as I told him what was wrong, he was researching it on the Internet so he could find out what it was about without me having to explain.

Everyone meets decent people and not so decent people, and it would be the same for all of us with or without this illness.
 
I totally agree there should be a crohns dating site. Someone who knows how to make websites should get on that lol.
 

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