Family worried: Constructive advice please

[amssgirl]

I wanted to put this question out there for anyone that is a spouse/partner/gf/bf to someone with Crohn's. Did they already have Crohn's before you started dating them, or afterwards? How did your family handle the news?

I say this because my bf was diagnosed before we met. He told me quite early on in the relationship, and we've been together for about four years now. I thought my family was okay with it, but more and more in recent past members of my extended family have expressed dislike with the fact he has Crohn's. Sometimes I can see their worry, they're afraid of the future where it may turn out I will always be watching him go in and out of hospitals, watching him be very ill and making myself sick with worry. However, it was a nastier spat the other day when they stated their worries again, and said my bf was extremely selfish for dating me, and that I was silly cause most girls would not have even started dating someone with a chronic illness.

Sometimes I feel like I am extremely stuck, because I don't want to leave him, certainly not for a reason like that. However, if we do progress to the point where we want to be together, family support is very important to me too.

Have you guys dealt with stuff like this? Any advice?

I wish to have honest, constructive (and preferably polite) advice please. Thanks a lot!

 

[Misty-Eyed]

Wow, that's rather harsh of them and tough for you! I can't really talk from experience, but have you asked them to think about if it was the other way around and if it was you that had crohn's instead of your bf? Would they think that you would then be selfish to date other people and that people would be silly to date you?

Maybe try and open their eyes a little and get them to see that mutual support, love and trust are the important things in a relationship. Not the health of one person that they have no control over. Good luck!

 

[shamrock15]

Tough situation to be in. I can speak from the viewpoint of your BF. I have Crohn's, and it took me about 15 years to start really dating after I was diagnosed. I am currently married (just over 5 years) and made sure that my spouse got to see a really bad episode before we got married. I needed her to know what it was like. One month after being married, I ended up in the hospital for 40 days, and coming out with a temporary ileostomy. She handled it so well that all of the people on the ward couldn't believe we had only been married a month. We now have a 3 1/2 yr old daughter who is incredible.

Family support is really important, but most of all, it comes down to a genuine commitment between the two of you. I was the "unselfish" person who wouldn't go on dates for 15 years because of my Crohn's, and I know I missed out on some incredible people. I also know that it got me to where I am today, with a supportive wife and (arguably) the best daughter in the world. I will be the first to admit that living with me (no real remission since being diagnosed 23 years ago) isn't always a cake walk, but I make sure that I make the best of my situation to the point that few people know I have any illness at all. Remember that you will be part of a true couple - a team in all senses of the word. He will need your help at times, and if he fights the Crohn's by trying to keep in shape and maximizing the time he is able to function, you will never regret standing by your man.

 

[Miss Jones]

Wow thats a horrible position to be in. I definately agree with Misty-Eyed. I can't imagine them ever wanting you to be alone just because you had a chronic disease. On the other side i can see why they'd want you to be with someone 'healthy' but still, they should support you in your decision to stay with him. Maybe have a talk with them, try to make them understand that while you understand their worries it's your decision and that what they say about him upsets you.

 

[Astra]

However, if we do progress to the point where we want to be together, family support is very important to me too.

Sorry, I don't get this bit, you are together! And 4 years is a long time to be with someone only to blow him off just cos YOUR SELFISH relatives don't like this disease.
Poor poor man, that's all I can say, with that attitude he's probably better off without you lot! This bloody disease is bad enough as it is without hassle from others.
What would you do if one of them they had cancer, blow them off too?
You asked for honesty, well that's my 2 pennies worth!

 

[KWalker]

I'm really sorry, but I'm with Astra on this one. You should feel special that you're boyfriend cares about you, and trusts you enough to tell you. Being a young man with crohn's, I know too of how hard it is to share something like this. I met the current girl I was with when I was 14 years old. She was the only girl I've ever been with, but we dated on and off a few time when I was younger because I thought if I told her what I was going through, she would think like you and leave, or consider leaving me. Every single time I got really sick, I would make up something really dumb, and we would break it off. Thank god we both had feelings for eachother and eventually I came out and told her what was going on. She fully supported me. She drove me to the hospital a few times, came with me during injections and all that, and everythoing you could ask for. Her family is however the exact same as yours. They started rumours that I couldn't have children because of crohn's, and if I did they would be mentally handicapped, they wouldn't accept me, and they would talk behind my back. That same girl, who is now my fiance is the most supportive person I have for my crohn's, and that's how it should be. Everybody has problems, but if you have people that are willing to be there for you, it makes things a lot easier. We are no less of people because of it, and quite frankly, we can do anything a "normal" person can. Were not some burden you would have to carry.

Sorry if I came off as rude, but I think it would be terrible if you were to leave him for that reason. Look at the other things he probably does for you, and how special he probably makes you feel. Lastly, I always say, if you ever consider not being with the person you're with, you shouldn't be with him/her.

Hopefully you make the right decision.

 

[amssgirl]

Thanks to everyone so far for their advice and opinions. Response has been great. Thanks a lot to shamrock for sharing your story, hearing about your wonderful wife and daughter.

However, if we do progress to the point where we want to be together, family support is very important to me too.

Sorry, I don't get this bit, you are together! And 4 years is a long time to be with someone only to blow him off just cos YOUR SELFISH relatives don't like this disease.
Poor poor man, that's all I can say, with that attitude he's probably better off without you lot! This bloody disease is bad enough as it is without hassle from others.
What would you do if one of them they had cancer, blow them off too?
You asked for honesty, well that's my 2 pennies worth!

I apologize Astra, I meant "together" as in marriage, I realized I didn't make that part clear. I do wish to make clear I am not considering leaving him because of his disease (to which I would wholeheartedly agree, after 4 years of dating would make me a horrible person). I wish to know if anyone has faced my position between love and family, and was hoping on pointers on how it was worked out. Did you talk to the relatives and they saw the light? Did they come to realize how great he/she was and welcomed them with open arms?

We are no less of people because of it, and quite frankly, we can do anything a "normal" person can. Were not some burden you would have to carry.

I totally agree KWalker, I do not view Crohn's as a burden I would have to carry. Simply put, we have the support of his family: call me selfish, but I want the equal amount of support from my own family.

But as they say everyone is entitled to their own opinions and I certainly appreciate everyone's here. Thank you.

 

[effdee]

Your family calling him selfish for dating and having a chronic illness seems selfish from the other side. That's like saying you shouldn't date someone with an illness because they aren't "normal," they're not as good or worth it compared to a healthy person, like there's no reason to deal with someone "damaged." You can't objectively say whether or not you'd be happier dating him as he is, or someone without an illness. It sounds like your family thinks the latter. I wouldn't say one or the other is right or wrong, but it sounds harsh and misunderstanding to write him off for that.

If you aren't having any luck getting them to consider thinking differently, maybe show them some of these posts. Ask your family how they would feel if you were stricken with a chronic illness. Would they feel the same way about you, offer the same compassion, as they do about him? Why or why not? What would be different about it? I don't have experience in the matter, but I hope this helps you work it all out.

 

[KWalker]

It kind of surprises me that NOBODY in your family has an illness. What happens in the winter months when somebody catches a cold and can't get out of bed? He/She is out of the family?


There's so much worse than being in a relationship with somebody with crohn's. Is he a drug dealer/addict? Is he an alcoholic? Is he always in and out of jail? Does he have kids he doesn't take care of?

Or is he a hardworking guy, who does his best with what he has to deal with what he has, to make you enjoy your life and time with him as well? He could have crohn's and never have any serious problems with it, or he could go out tomorrow and get hit by a car and become paralyzed for life.

Another thing I think should be addressed, is think about how he feels about all of this? Knowing the person he cares about has a family that doesn't accept him, and doesn't want you to be with him, and more importantly because of a problem he couldn't avoid. Its hard. You seem like you care about him, you'll make the right decision.

I agree with the person that said to show your family these comments as well.

 

[amssgirl]

Thanks for your post, KWalker. Those are very valid points, there are way worse things out there. Though I hope you don't mind or get offended by me saying this...imo I think the cold comparison is a tad like comparing apples and oranges.

I agree, it is probably ten times harder for him knowing this. I think at the end of the day it is something we're taking one step at a time. Thanks for your support.

 

[KWalker]

It is a little over the top to the compare the too, but me myself, if you didn't know me personally, you would have no idea I have it. I work a job doing approx 50 hours a week on my feet, and in September ill be back in school full time, so we still do live a normal lifestyle. My "cold" as we used for an example, just happens a few times throughout the year, rather than just during the winter months. After a few days I'm back to normal too.

Your boyfriend may be dealing with it a little worse right now, but eventually he'll get to a point where its just another everyday thing, and you don't let it ruin your life.

And no offense taken, we're all here to help eachother. I was just using that example to describe a potential of how his crohn's could be, as you will understand more in this post.

 

[Welsh-bird]

Ammsgirl- I should start by saying, that I'm posting this, without having read any of the other replies first.
I was the fiance to a healthy person. I have CD, and I had been dx'd for 4 years before we got together. He knew I was diseased, and we were together for 7 years. Last Summer when thing's hit the fan with regards my health, and I was told I needed a Colectomy and thus an Ileostomy, it all became too much for HIM, and he left. I never once saw it coming.
That day was by far the hardest of all- I trusted him, never once hid my CD/UC, and thought that he would always be there. It was a bigger kick in the stomach than anything my consultants were telling me.
I hope your family begin to understand how it is to live with this disease. It's not easy, BUT also it isn't a death sentence and in between flares, we DO live normal lives. We're not looking for sympathy, most of us look for nothing other than being treated as 'normal', but the sheer bloody ignorance associated with IBD frustrates the hell out of me!
4 years is a long time to be together for them now to be rasing concerns. I hope you can overcome this- and mostly that you don't allow their 'ignorance' to ruin your relationship. I would have thought that within this time, they may have sought some info regarding IBD,and become familiar with it. If you have concerns, then I would suggest talking this through with your b/f, I'm sure he'd rather discuss them than find he's been dumped and didn't see it coming...
Wishing you both a happy future.

 

[Jane]

Educate family about Crohn's

I'd suggest talking with your family and explaining Crohn's disease. When I tell people that I have Crohn's disease I get a lot of reactions along the lines of "Oh my God, that is so horrible!" People are uninformed and often seem to think the worst.

Talk with your family. Let them know that Crohn's disease is not a death sentence and that it doesn't mean your boyfriend is completely incapcitated.

As much as your boyfriend is comfortable letting you share, let them know how things are for him. (e.g., he has his disease under control. He takes medicine. He doesn't eat these foods that bother him, etc.)

I think support from your family for the relationship is important. Try to get your immediate family on board (parents, siblings). I can't speak to your extended family (counsins, aunts and uncles, grandparents). I love my extended family, but I sure wouldn't worry about their choice in my boyfriend/spouse! (I don't approve in all of their choices for spouses!!! LOL). And if your immediate family won't get on board, don't let them interfere with your relationship! If your boyfriend is a good person, and if you have a good relationship, you can deal with Crohn's disease!

Good luck!

 

[muppet]

I hate to post something negative because I want to be supportive, here. I know that Crohn's is very tough on not only the sufferer, but also those close to him or her. My wife has been married to me for 5 years (we've been together 10 years), and she knew going in that both me and my daughter had Crohn's Disease, and that my daughter's was quite severe (mine is too but not like hers.) Never once has her family ever questioned her decision, and not once has she ever considered leaving us because of our illness.

Your family sounds incredibly dysfunctional and mercenary, and I feel bad for you because you've been raised by people like that and don't seem to fully fathom how unreasonably and ignorantly they are behaving. Obviously because you posted here you have some inkling, but you also seem to accept their ridiculous attitude to some degree or else you wouldn't feel conflicted about this.

Yes, Crohn's is tough. Every relationship has SOME cross to bear. It's too bad that you feel like this is a decision between your boyfriend/fiance and your family. Defining him by his Disease, though, is a hateful thing.

Sorry, but the above is simply honest.

 

[jesseiam2]

I feel bad for you. You clearly are not like the rest of your family. You would like the support from them. I would guess you want them to show some empathy and some compassion. You have already made your decision, you arent looking for a way out, and you arent looking for someone to say that its ok for your family to behave in the manner they are. (I am guessing) You are looking to see if anyone else has had a family that is equally as harsh and how they handled it. I have had Crohns since I was 21 years old. (maybe earlier but undiagnosed). I left my own family while still in High School because they werent the influences that I wanted for myself and eventually my wife and kids. It was the best thing I could do. While very different than your situation, there are similarities. My family were drunks and drug addicts. Yours arent (or so I am guessing, you didnt say). The similarities are that we both didnt agree with their behavior and as much as we both wanted it to be different, we dont know how to make it so, and in my case, I knew I couldnt make it different. So I chose the path that made sense for me.

If your family cannot be accepting of who you choose to spend your life with, you have to decide. Only you can make that decision.

If I am way off in my assumptions, accept my apologies. Good luck to you.

 

[vickyhunter]

I'm being presumptuous but has noone in your family ever had a chronic illness? Because they don't sound very sensitive or empathetic.
I got diagnosed with Crohn's when I was 7, so according to your family I would never be able to be in a relationship without being selfish!
I told my boyfriend about 6 months into our relationship, and I always held quite a bit back (only told him everything about a year ago, we've been together 3 years now)
and I've never discussed it with his family.
I'm a normal 19 year old girl on the outside so I don't really like discussing Crohn's unless it's unavoidable. But my boyfriends family are lovely and wouldn't be anything less than supportive about it, I'm just one of those people who prefers not to talk about it!
I think if you reassure your family that you can have a normal life with Crohn's and get them to see that it's tough having a chronic illness and having non-supportive people doesn't help.
You obviously sound like a very sweet girlfriend, posting on this forum so worried about him and your relationship.

Everyone has health problems, some worse than others, but everyone deserves love
xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[MDCA]

My boyfriend has been amazing. His family are also really supportive. His mom said "doesn't make us love you any less.. you aren't kicked out of the family ya know.. we'll get through this." I feel really lucky to have them.

I don't understand how your family could be so cold, but I really hope they come around.

 

[allieinwonder]

Wow, that is so sad. I understand what you are going through though, unfortunately.

I have had my undiagnosed condition since I was 15, so well before I met my now husband. I warned him on the second date about my issues and that it might be Crohn's (this was way before I got as bad as I am now). We have now been married for a year, and he has dealt with me being very sick, including hospitalizations and many days on the couch. His family isn't the most supportive people in the world. This is more because I am having trouble getting a diagnosis. His mother especially keeps telling me it must be nothing and I am just over-exaggerating my "IBS"...even when I try and explain that it is more than that, and the symptoms that show it, including the passing out, the extreme pain that has me on tramadol, etc, she just keeps talking about how her sister has IBS and she is just fine.

I agree with other posters, family support is huge. Just because someone's body isn't working quite the way it should, doesn't mean they don't deserve the love, support, and family life that others get to enjoy. And if that sicker person finds someone that loves them, supports them, and takes care of them through the pain and suffering, why can't they have that? I believe your family might just be upset that you have the added stress...hopefully they will see how much you love each other and how it will all be ok. I agree with others as well on the fact that maybe they need to be a little more educated on Crohn's.

 

[littlefreebird]

i'm seeing this in a different way and may be wrong so please correct me if this isn't the case but are your family basing their opinions on what you're telling them? you may not realise when you do it, but if you ever mention and share your worries everytime he gets sick then it might be painting a picture.
for example, some people rant about their partners in general to their family but forget to ever mention 'other stuff' the family are then just going to base their opinions on that person from what they hear, and their asumptions may be entirely wrong.

i say this because you yourself don't sound very positive. a person suffering from crohn's is not meant to have flare ups constantly, they're not meant to be constantly in and out of hospital throughout their lives. and the outlook of their lives in general is not meant to be bleak. when a person is diagnosed with this disease the next step is to get treatment which allows them to lead a normal life, this takes time, years in fact and yes there will be slip ups, but in general a person with crohn's is no different from a person without, and if this isn't the case then the medication obviously isn't working.
if you bf is ill at he moment or has been lately, he'll hopefully be sorted soon, its just a simple case of finding the right treatment.

it's a horrible position to be in but i don't fully understand how you can feel stuck, your family have not made valid points, but it may not be their fault, i think they don't understand fully what this disease is, and it may be up to you to tell them a bit more about it.

us crohnies lead normal lives, we work, have families of our own, have relationships, yes we get sick now and again, and the pain can be unbearable but we put on a brave face and 'get on with it'...its just another bump in the road.
there's not many people who go through life without developing some kind of illness, no matter what that may be, to say that a person with an illness is selfish to date someone without is utterly ridiculous and wrong.

 

[amssgirl]

Thank you for everyone's responses, everything on this thread had been quite supportive and overwhelming.

Allieinwonder, sorry to hear about you mother-in-law thinking that you are exaggerating on your illness and your symptoms, as if dealing with that isn't enough already. I know some of the people in my bf's community refused to believe his symptoms were as bad as they were, and even hearing his retelling of events I was getting pissed off.

littlefreebird, I really wish it was my bias that was slanting their opinions. I'm sorry to see I sounded very negative to you. In no way was I saying my bf will always be in and out of the hospital, but I know hospital visits will be a part of the future, no matter what. (And yes, I know hospital visits will be in all of our future, no matter our condition).

It doesn't matter they know we've been dating for 4 years and he's only gone to the hospital a couple of times and had stomach aches bad enough to keep him bed-bound a handful of times. I've told them the same things everyone here has been saying: he has Crohn's (and what it is), he will able to lead a normal life no different from you or I. (Minus the occasional thing, but I don't want to sound too negative). Has it mattered? No.

There is one thing I haven't said I would like to say: thank goodness for my parents. They have been the ones supporting me through. They are hopeful about the future. They are always thinking about him (I mean that in the best way possible), and suggesting new things for us to try, and thinking of always buying foods he likes.

So when all this is said and done, I've realized maybe they are the only rocks I need from my family...

Thanks all.

 

[DustyKat]

Choose your battles hun, don't waste your time on those that aren't worth fighting for.

If the family members involved don't get it by now then chances are they never will or they don't want to. Perhaps for them nothing is acceptable but perfection, which is ironic since no one is perfect.

If your Mum and Dad are on your side then no you don't need anyone else. I understand for some people that it isn't easy to dismiss family and you are obviously close to yours but the decision needs to be made. If you love this man with all your heart, soul and being then it is with him you need make a life, with or without family. He will offer you things they can't and he will love and treasure you in a way they never can.

I think the question you need to ask yourself is, do I want to be surrounded by people that are narrow minded, self conscious and unwilling to learn and do I want my partner to be exposed to them?
Both of my children have crohns and if my son was your partner I would not want him exposed to that sort of behaviour, it would break my heart. He has enough to deal with in his life without the negative comments from the very people that should provide him with unconditional love and it goes without saying it is a courtesy they should be extending to you.

I know it is a very difficult situation your family has put you in but you have no one to answer to but yourself, you do what is right for you. Good luck!

Dusty. :heart:

 

[allieinwonder]

I agree with others; if your parents are supportive, don't stress over the extended family! Its drama that you don't need right now.

 

[raindrop]

My 28th wedding anniversary is coming up next month. My extended family was opposed to my marriage and made a big fuss about it.

I married my husband and have made my life with him. My extended family learned to deal with it and have remained in our lives. When you decide to marry someone, you're joining your lives for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health.

There are no guarantees for anyone. Ever. It's the biggest commitment you'll ever make, second only to the promise to nurture and sacrifice for your children. It's a big decision. Your not going to spend the rest of your life in intimacy with extended family. What matters, who matters, is the one you chose to make this commitment to.

When you've chosen that person, you face all of life's challenges together. Every life has challenges.

Good luck to you.