- Joined
- Jul 23, 2014
- Messages
- 1
This is my first post.
It has been 15 months since my last delicious salad, apple skin or almond. I have been satisfied with cooking my vegetables until they turn to mush, with the occasional breaks of no vegetable-mush at all to let my stomach calm down. There have been full weeks where I have survived on Gatorade, chicken stock, white bread and butter alone. After 7 years of eating consciously and usually as healthily possible, I have retrained my brain into choosing white bread/pasta/rice over whole grain anything and everything. I pick the poppy seeds off the bun of my Chicago hot dog. This 4th of July, my father actually peeled a cherry for me, just so I could get a taste.
I am exhausted. I am trying, and I am exhausted. I only feel 80% present in 99% of my life. The rest of me is thinking about food. And poop. And should I start a food blog for people with unique dietary restrictions like me? Or should I start a poop-log to better explain my bowel eliminations (or lack there of) at my next visit? How do I explain to this waiter that I am not allergic to nuts, but I can't have whole nuts - only nuts that have been completely ground into a paste or magically turned into milky goodness? They are totally going to spit in my food.
How do I explain to someone that I am sick enough to feel miserable, but still look perfectly capable of getting through my day without a hitch? How can I look at my puppy with those big brown eyes and not take him for a walk? I can't! That doesn't keep me from wishing that I could poop on the sidewalk and have it be socially acceptable when I get an urge.
My biggest concern right now is making sure that I am taking care of my body. I want to get back in the gym and start eating clean again. My cousin asked me to do the Whole30 with her as a kickstart. I had to respond that, to me, it would become the meat and oil diet. I love meat. I love oil. Butnothankyousir. Doing ab exercises isn't easy when you have little ulcers in your small intestine. Working on my PR for stiff-legged deadlifts feels very ominous when I know that I won't be able to take any ibuprofen when I'm sore the next day. I wont be able to take anything to make me feel better as the Tramadol I took last week as prescribed made me throw up a protein bar and chicken noodle soup. On that thought, lets remove chicken noodle soup from the meal plan for the next few weeks. And let's not talk about meal planning because you know I am going to go home and have cheese and crackers for dinner anyway.
I am 26 years old. I want to go to a bar on a Wednesday night, but I'd rather go to bed at 9pm. I want to be able to tell my husband that I'm feeling like a million bucks today, but I would be lying. I can't imagine how exhausting it is to keep hearing someone say that they are exhausted.
I'm certain I will come back and rant some more, but for now I'll just go schedule my next colonoscopy.
It has been 15 months since my last delicious salad, apple skin or almond. I have been satisfied with cooking my vegetables until they turn to mush, with the occasional breaks of no vegetable-mush at all to let my stomach calm down. There have been full weeks where I have survived on Gatorade, chicken stock, white bread and butter alone. After 7 years of eating consciously and usually as healthily possible, I have retrained my brain into choosing white bread/pasta/rice over whole grain anything and everything. I pick the poppy seeds off the bun of my Chicago hot dog. This 4th of July, my father actually peeled a cherry for me, just so I could get a taste.
I am exhausted. I am trying, and I am exhausted. I only feel 80% present in 99% of my life. The rest of me is thinking about food. And poop. And should I start a food blog for people with unique dietary restrictions like me? Or should I start a poop-log to better explain my bowel eliminations (or lack there of) at my next visit? How do I explain to this waiter that I am not allergic to nuts, but I can't have whole nuts - only nuts that have been completely ground into a paste or magically turned into milky goodness? They are totally going to spit in my food.
How do I explain to someone that I am sick enough to feel miserable, but still look perfectly capable of getting through my day without a hitch? How can I look at my puppy with those big brown eyes and not take him for a walk? I can't! That doesn't keep me from wishing that I could poop on the sidewalk and have it be socially acceptable when I get an urge.
My biggest concern right now is making sure that I am taking care of my body. I want to get back in the gym and start eating clean again. My cousin asked me to do the Whole30 with her as a kickstart. I had to respond that, to me, it would become the meat and oil diet. I love meat. I love oil. Butnothankyousir. Doing ab exercises isn't easy when you have little ulcers in your small intestine. Working on my PR for stiff-legged deadlifts feels very ominous when I know that I won't be able to take any ibuprofen when I'm sore the next day. I wont be able to take anything to make me feel better as the Tramadol I took last week as prescribed made me throw up a protein bar and chicken noodle soup. On that thought, lets remove chicken noodle soup from the meal plan for the next few weeks. And let's not talk about meal planning because you know I am going to go home and have cheese and crackers for dinner anyway.
I am 26 years old. I want to go to a bar on a Wednesday night, but I'd rather go to bed at 9pm. I want to be able to tell my husband that I'm feeling like a million bucks today, but I would be lying. I can't imagine how exhausting it is to keep hearing someone say that they are exhausted.
I'm certain I will come back and rant some more, but for now I'll just go schedule my next colonoscopy.