Had to send this somewhere. relationship(ish)

[ThingsHaveChanged]

had to send this somewhere. relationship(ish)

Hi, basically I initially believed that I was sending my girlfriend a letter explaining why I was breaking up with her, however the process of writing the letter has potentially helped, I still needed to send it, I decided to send it here rather than fuck my entire life up while im feeling somewhat less balanced than normal, for context ive changed the names, Joseph would be my girlfriends step father, Laura her Brothers friend of recent years, my girlfriend and i have been together for 9/10 years, hence me wondering about the lack of invite, the stepfather knows I know something bad that he has done that as far as he is aware others within the family do not know, Its not my bag to blackmail or bring any of that into this conversation, I care deeply for my gf, I recognise I am nothing like who I was when we first met and would sooner attempt to pursue her in the future than risk her coming to hate me for who I am now, Im not as robust as some of you people on this site, I read many of your posts with abject respect, I feel weaker as a person than I ever have, I have spent most of my adult years feeling fairly proud of my ability to maintain a core set of principles while still progressing with life and still being relatively successful , I never prepared for this. anyway, anyone with any advice about how to control feeling fairly bitter about crohns and its impact, feel free to chime in, mostly however i wanted to put this here to make it that little bit harder for me to send to my gf, I dont wish to act in haste and cause her pain unless im sure its the right thing to do rather than a defensive reflex action.



letter reads
"I think you already know I find the contrast between aspects of our life somewhat straining, at this point in my life realities that shine a contrasting light upon my own life make me more aware of my circumstances, I resent Laura or whoever going along to Jamaica, where's my invite? I've been a bigger part of your life than she has your brother, Joseph, must really dislike me on some level if Laura is welcome and I am not? (considering its clear he doesn't like her),regardless, it's all irrelevant at this stage, it's just that this will be fairly applicable throughout the rest of our lives together, I will never be In a financial situation to match or even come close to yours and I will never be included that much has become clear, the idea that your life along with that of your family is the life that "other" people get to lead may seem harsh but no harsher than the reality of having nothing to do but wait for time to pass, that is the future I in all probability see.


I don't think you or your family can come anything like close to understanding me or my situation. Just as I am unable to understand yours. I can't deny I resent not having access to the freedoms your family possesses and being exposed to these things kind of makes me more aware of just how little empathy it is possible for your family to possess as made evident by your mums idealistic appraisal of the situation wherein she's telling me that I will be able to go and spend some time with my lovely mother, or how your mum is sure I will just plough through the data entry, it's frustrating but I dotn blame her for it she can't understand because the means to understand aren't there, all the contrasts just show how empty, pointless and mundane my own existence is.

Even if Crohns gets better the actual realities of our existence will always be different, I will always have to be doing something to survive and you will do so when you feel like it. It will never be possible for me to live as freely as you(not ignoring your restrictions just aware that they only apply when they do), at this stage the most logical thing I can do for my future Is go home and learn to live with it, by which I mean to lower my expectations and not be exposed to people who have the means to not have my concerns. Maybe studying will become easier once I stop expecting to be able to live rather than just survive.

the only way for me to free you from any responsibility to me and to free myself from the unhealthy desire to compare my life with yours. Is to cut our ties to one another.

I played a game yesterday, I did what I would do if I was single, I closed facebook and played a computer game, I stopped thinking for a while, admittedly it was at 5 am, but that's what it took, before hand I have been staring at my desktop and face book for many hours, hoping we will talk, the reality is I have very little to do beyond this and then eventually when we do speak the consequence is less than heartening, your holidays happen your travelling back and forth happens all fine all normal, except it won't be, until my life has a world more freedoms associated, I will be at home indoors going mental, in turn that will impact unfairly on you, I'm not trying to make you feel guilty that isn't my point, I worry more about my jealousy, when I'm asking how many houses your family has? why does your mum rent a flat week by week in an expensive town? I ask these things and I assess your families ability to help, there isn't enough similarity for empathy to sneak out, we're worlds apart and the difference is only going to become more pronounced, the point is, this isn't going to get any better any time soon, it will drag on and even if I am doing data entry I will never be able to keep up with the freedoms financially your family can present you with, seeing this extreme of opportunity and knowing my own lack, hearing you talk about wanting to spend time with your family doing nice things before it's too late, all of the little niggling things that I can't deny force me to look at my own hand, I envy more than I did because I hate more and more of what I have, like in "sit down" by James, "if I hadn't seen such riches I could live with being poor" I have to learn to live with being poor, I have to accept my folks droning on at me about things I cant really engage with because it is all they know. The resentment I feel towards the inequalities of this world and such are hardly going to dissipate, If anything they will become more extreme. It seems fairer on both of us to do as little damage to one another as we can. When I'm being told about how sincerely appreciative everyone has been towards me with how I helped you and in turn them when I could. I guess it makes me a smaller person than I thought I was when I'm wondering why they haven't been helped more. This isn't a way I like being Crohns has ruined my patience and taken our intimacy and our ability to talk freely, everything we ever did is eroded and now all we do is sit at screens, this isn't us and as I'm wasting my life getting bitter you're wasting the genuine opportunities you could be taking as offered by your family's finances were young at least one of us should be able to take advantage of that without feeling guilty, I'm not sure I can offer you that.


I love you, I know you love me, I have to stay sane or we are doomed anyway, I can't let this keep rolling the way it has, I can tell your resentment for my inactivity, I know because I resent it also, I'm sorry"



so wont take any offence if I see a few tldr not having anyone left to vent at the internets can be my friend.

 

[Astra]

Wow, don't know what to say really, only that I think you need help, maybe through a counsellor. Resentment is a killer.
In my opinion, you're projecting, seeing things that aren't there yet.
How do you know your girlfriend won't want to be with you in the future?
Isn't the fact that 10 years together is enough, speaks volumes.
It's not as if you've only just met.
Are you thinking, if you love me, set me free?

'Those who feel the breath of sadness
Sit down next to me
Those who find they're touched by madness
Sit down next to me
Those who find themselves ridiculous
Sit down next to me
Love, in fear, in hate, in tears'

If you're gonna quote Tim Booth, quote that one above instead.
And if she loves you, she will sit down next to you!

 

[sfoster105]

Hey, anybody there?

 

[ThingsHaveChanged]

If you're gonna quote Tim Booth, quote that one above instead.
And if she loves you, she will sit down next to you!

I didnt realize I was quoting anyone, whopsy. The only "help" I have been offered was a phone line given to me by the doctor that I phoned once and received a lecture on how other people live throughout the world, now I know Im lucky to have been born in the west and such, but a help phone line I always imagined might help with our own personal issues rather than attempt to provide context. The situation of my partner and her family are quite extreme compared to my own, which is in turn fairly extreme. I have never been a jealous person however since realizing how much and how long Crohns has been effecting my motivation and my desire to live life, I feel an urge to make up for lost time, to live a bit. I know that In reality I am at least 1 year maybe 2 from even being able to provide for myself financially and I find studying more complicated than I ever have, I get so angry and frustrated whereas I am certain once upon a time I wouldn't have had these issues.
I dont know If I should be wearing blinkers to try and make me feel more comfortable about my own existence so that the contrasts don't burn or if im just supposed to hate every single day, either way, I feel im turning into someone Ive never been before and would have never wanted to be, I don't want to make my gf hate me nor do I want to hate myself.


I realized that the need to write the letter, the need to express made me feel I was dishonest not discussing it with her, weve talked and it helps, but reality isnt changing any time soon. My partner gets frustrated with the situation, she wants em to be the person I was when we met, without soundling like a queen I used to be fairly flamboyant and extrovert, that came from somewhere, it came from something that I no longer posses, without this thing and without the means to restore this feeling I feel she will always want em to be a person I can no longer be. Steroids fucked up my hair though its better than it was, I managed to grow a cyst on my face that to have removed in England without leaving a crater bigger than the cyst will cost a few grand and at the moment my ability to do anything remotely physical is little more than a joke, walking 20 minutes leaves my tummy and back in "laydown" pain 50% of the time, all these things diminish me, and make me less able to pretend to feel like I used to. I stopped interacting with people when I was 18/19 or so, I cant remember being able to go out and feeling free, I know im not as low as others, I feel dumb whining the way I am, all things exist within the context they do, and within my own context I feel ive fallen pretty hard, I can imagine getting on with things that need to be done, but add the pressure of living up to other expectations and I start getting flaky. Ive never been this weak this out of shape this financially broke and aimless, nor have I ever in my memory been this depressed with my "now" and all the potential futures (short of winning some lottery I don't even play).

The plan is to try and keep our relationship If at all possible and proceed forward as bets as possible, same as before, but i guess at least ive been honest even if being honest in this instance generally makes me sound like a whining little brat : P
There are more relevant factors in why we are where we are but they are not things I would feel disrespectful if I discussed anywhere this also makes it hard to be as clear here, there were a few paragraphs missing from the letter I printed here out of respect for some of my gf's family so some meaning will undoubtedly have been lost.





#edit ah tim booth wrote sit down, I have learnt something new today.

 

[ThingsHaveChanged]

Hey, anybody there?

yup, just intermittently avoid the internets for self preservation, excuse me.:thumright:

 

[Nico85]

coo-coo

 

[ThingsHaveChanged]

coo-coo

?

 

[Astra]

Hey, you know what?
You are the Captain of your own ship!
Only YOU can do this, no-one else, and you've made the first move, you've reached out, now act upon it.
By changing the way you think, will change the way you act.
Waiting for an appt with a specialist in CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) will take months, but you can research this treatment online.
I know how you feel, I've had so much tragedy in my life, divorce, death, I've been depressed, ill, on the scrapheap, and absolutely skint, I never thought it would get better. It has tho. And the secret is to take each day as it comes and at the end of that day, reflect and see how far you've come. Little baby steps.
I don't think you're a whining brat, I think you've come to a stage in your life where you think you can't move on, with or without your girl, and that life is passing you by without you. Everyone changes, I'm not the same person that I was when I met my ex, I've changed so much, so I've used it to my advantage. Your partner needs to accept that.
Think about CBT, and also research the Big Book, this is a 12 step programme for the AA.
And you don't have to be an alky to do it, believe me!
Communication is the key to success, so talk to someone. And not over the phone!
You come across as an intelligent articulate person, so use this to your advantage.

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/cognitive-behavioural-therapy/Pages/Introduction.aspx

I wish you success, I know you can do this
xxx

 

[phear]

Hey, you know what?
You are the Captain of your own ship!
Only YOU can do this, no-one else, and you've made the first move, you've reached out, now act upon it.
By changing the way you think, will change the way you act.
Waiting for an appt with a specialist in CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) will take months, but you can research this treatment online.
I know how you feel, I've had so much tragedy in my life, divorce, death, I've been depressed, ill, on the scrapheap, and absolutely skint, I never thought it would get better. It has tho. And the secret is to take each day as it comes and at the end of that day, reflect and see how far you've come. Little baby steps.
I don't think you're a whining brat, I think you've come to a stage in your life where you think you can't move on, with or without your girl, and that life is passing you by without you. Everyone changes, I'm not the same person that I was when I met my ex, I've changed so much, so I've used it to my advantage. Your partner needs to accept that.
Think about CBT, and also research the Big Book, this is a 12 step programme for the AA.
And you don't have to be an alky to do it, believe me!
Communication is the key to success, so talk to someone. And not over the phone!
You come across as an intelligent articulate person, so use this to your advantage.

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/cognitive-behavioural-therapy/Pages/Introduction.aspx

I wish you success, I know you can do this
xxx

i have to agree with you here.

i have not been officially diagnosed with chrons but im 98% sure so is my gp that i have it.

i think they should teach cognitive behavior therapy in all schools world wide, i suffered depression for many years and have only just gotten over it but as you would know its a daily struggle to think positive and block out all the negative thoughts ( you can still think about things and get upset but you gotta figure out a limit on how much you think about things etc hard to explain)

Thingshavechanged : its you that is in the relationship and have all the answers inside yourself but you just gotta think about it logically and work out what you want and if you want different things you need to work that out im not going to tell you to stay or leave you have to make the decision yourself but i would personally be thinking about it, maybe making a list could help you decide a list of pros and cons etc.

also you defiantly should look up cognitive behavior therapy as it is very effective after practice like anything.