Half-Drunk and Heart-Broken

[Ataraxia]

Ok, I'm probably gonna regret talking about this, but I'm at that stage in my life where I think I need to. I haven't really discussed this with anyone as yet (my friendship circle is vastly deteriorating) and I know an Internet forum isn't the best way to express myself on the subject, but it's a start, I think.

So, here's my story: I was diagnosed with Crohn's in September 2008. I was rushed into hospital after complaining of severe stomach pains. The doctors gave me an emergency op, which involved removing the infected part of my large intestine. I was stitched up and left to recover for a month or so, and then I was released from hospital.

About a week after that, things got considerably worse. I was vomiting up to 20 times a night, and had to be rushed back into hospital. Again, I required an emergency op, as my bowel had considerable blockage. I ended up with an ileostomy, and was sent into intensive care, with various wires coming out of my abdomen to drain away all the infections inside of me.

I was a physical wreck. But the fact that I could hardly walk didn't bother me as much as a majority of my apparent close friends that didn't even bother to pay me a visit, or even send me a simple text message to see how I was. I stopped breathing twice during my time in intensive care, and came literally within seconds of dying each time.

I had just come out of a 3 year relationship before all this Crohn's stuff started. This girl and I were still in contact, however, as friends, and she promised she would be coming to see me in hospital very soon (she lived a 6 hour drive away). I had been in hospital for a total of 4 months by this time, but the thing that really kept me going was knowing that I was going to see her (all be it a couple of hours).

When she arrived, I was in such a mess, physically, but I didn't at all care. She looked beautiful, just as I remembered. We spent the two hours that she could spare holding hands and cuddling up together. It was just like before. Nothing else mattered.

Conversations grew from there, and I really thought we were going to work it out. I went down to Cornwall to see her, only a week after my release from hospital (just before Christmas). I still had my ileostomy, and was in a considerable amount of pain, but I shrugged off the advice from concerned family members and made the journey down safely. I believed she was really worth it.

We spent a week together, holding hands, cuddling up, and just generally enjoying ourselves. She even told me that she still loved me (more than a couple of times).

When the holiday finished and I arrived back home, however, some news came to my attention. I found out that this girl had been sleeping with my friend during the time that I was in hospital. I was absolutely heart-broken. I had had several bad experiences with women before she came along, and it took me a hell of a long time to get over those past hurts to be able to trust her and develop a new relationship. When I found out that my persistence in being able to trust another woman again had been shot down like that I just became an emotional wreck. My confidence in the way I looked was already shattered, and then to hear this on top of it, I really was struggling to find something worth living for.

I know I was vulnerable, emotionally, at the time all the Crohn's stuff was happening, but I refuse to accept that I was imagining the connections and emotions that were floating around between us (her concept of what went on at the time). It still hurts me like hell, and I've literally spent many of my nights crying myself to sleep in complete isolation. I'm lost, I can't work, I have barely any friends left anymore, and I really don't know what to do with my life.

This all sounds like some soppy pre-adolescent bullshit reading it back now (which is the whole reason I didn't want to write about it in the first place), but the bottom line is that's how I'm (still) feeling. I need help.

Apologies for taking up so much space with this.


- Andy.

 

[D Bergy]

It doesn't matter what it sounds like, it hurts all the same. I think everyone here can relate to your story and I shudder just reading it. It brings back some not to fond memories of similar let downs.

All I can say is better to find out now rather than down the road when you are even more involved. That doesn't help any, but nothing will but time.

It is one of those experiences that hardens your heart, and that is the real shame in it all. You never are the same after your experience, and it is what makes skeptical older men out of young men.

Forge on, there is someone worth while out there, but you have not found her yet.

Dan

 

[Guest]

aw Andy

first of all, please don't apologise for sharing this with us.. and don't regret it. you're amongst friends here, who care about each other - not just with regard to medical suffering.

that's an extremely hurtful thing to try & get your head around, & probably the reason you're still reeling from it all is because you were so ill at the time, and vulnerable. if you'd not had the health issues, you would've coped and dealt with it all differently. when we're already down, for whatever reason, it doesn't take much to push us even further down and knock our confidence & self esteem right off the scale.

it's early days.. we're only what 7, 8 months down the road from when it all happened? be gentle on yourself, and just accept that you're grieving for all the lost hopes you had with this girl, and for what your body has gone through - it's normal.

have you thought of joining any kind of support group? there's the IA, i'm sure they have a division near you - i used to go to their meetings years ago, and it really helped me.

Dan is right, there is someone out there for you.. and everything will make sense when you meet her, the past hurt will fade into unimportance.. and he's also right that it makes us (all of us, not just men) skeptical and maybe slightly untrusting of the opposite sex.. but give it time. & meanwhile, lean on us here whenever you want or need to.

 

[Lisa5326]

Mr. Andy Ataraxia, they are right, this hurt is not petty it is real, and I'm sorry that this is something additional you had/have to endure.

It sickens me to hear how people can hurt others.

I think an internet forum is as good a place to vent. I understand the losing friends bit, lean on us here, please.

This, only with time, will move itself into a distant memory, I know it doesn't feel like it will, but it will. Someone much more deserving and fitting for you will come into your life, and you will know it is right.

I'm repeating the other posts...but I do mean it all.

Please take care.

 

[Ataraxia]

I think my biggest problem is that I care too much. When people do things like this, I attempt to try and get inside their heads and figure out what kind of person they are, and why they would do such a thing.

My personality is extremely fragmented at the moment. One min I'm happy as can be, the next I cry at every little thing, and then I'm seemingly angry at everyone. I don't think time heals anything, because I'm overly cautious about every new human being I meet.

I couldn't sleep last night for thinking. I was tossing and turning every night, and I began getting frustrated with myself -it's been like that for months now.

I'm beginning to sympathize with Schizophrenics.

 

[Guest]

sometimes people don't know why they do things.. and therefore it's impossible to reach a conclusion that you'd be happy with, or that would make any sense.

i think in time you'll just accept that it wasn't meant to be with that particular girl, and she's shown how deceitful she can be - you've probably had a lucky escape.

i also don't believe in the 'time heals everything' theory.. that was said to me many times when my father and other close family members passed away. time didn't heal the pain, i still carry the scars around today, as much as i did then. but what time does is give you the chance to accept, and think things through.. and find a way to peace in your heart & mind.. and only then can you carry on normally.

how would you feel about talking to someone professional about how you're feeling? maybe your gp, or if not him, maybe he could refer you to someone?

 

[Ataraxia]

Oh I know it wasn't meant to be with the girl. The point I'm making is that it took me so long to trust a woman again, and I actually believed that this one was different. Sounds cliche saying it now, but that's how I felt at the time. I never actually believed she was the type of person to ever hurt me; never mind hurt me in that manner.

I'm not sure about the professional side of things. Ideally, I'd like to be able to talk to a close friend about it, but as I said I don't have many left anymore. Which is why I'm on here talking to 'virtual people', that I have a vague interaction with

 

[crohnsappleadams]

Oh I know it wasn't meant to be with the girl. The point I'm making is that it took me so long to trust a woman again, and I actually believed that this one was different. Sounds cliche saying it now, but that's how I felt at the time. I never actually believed she was the type of person to ever hurt me; never mind hurt me in that manner.

I'm not sure about the professional side of things. Ideally, I'd like to be able to talk to a close friend about it, but as I said I don't have many left anymore. Which is why I'm on here talking to 'virtual people', that I have a vague interaction with

A couple of things come to mind here. First off, she wasn't sleeping with your friend. Friends do not treat each other in that manner, particularly given the extenuating circumstance of you being in the hospital. Second, it's not really that uncommon for people with Crohn's to grow apart from their friends. It's a disease that limits your social time considerably. Sometimes forums like this are the best place to express yourself because we all have these common experiences, and the end result of those experiences is that we sorta cease to be judgmental.

 

[Jerman]

Hello Ataraxia,

I am sorry to hear what a difficult time you have had. I have had my share of heartache in my past as well. I learned the hard way the most important factors in any relationship are trust and honesty. There truly is someone out there for each of us but sometimes we have to go through hell to find them.

You mentioned that you seem to have less and less friends as time goes on. This disease feels as though it may feed on our depression and isolation. It is very important (especially when depressed) to not cut out healthy social outlets. Try to set somewhat of a daily routine for yourself where you have some level of interaction with others. It can be way to easy to just want to stay in bed and pull the covers over the head for a day or two. Fight to make yourself not fall into this as it only causes more blues and anxiety. You may find that talking to a counselor is a really big help. A. you should work at widening your social network a bit as it sounds as though your list of friends/acquaintances has dwindled. There is no shame in web sites to help meet people, I met my wife on Match.com.

Please be good to yourself and be a bit careful when you put yourself out there. It is not terribly healthy to go into each social venture looking for "the one". This always tends to help the wolves in the pack sniff out the more needy of us and pounce. If you are going out and just looking to meet someone, there is less pressure and the results (rejections) are not so potentially hurtful.

Hold your head high and best of luck to you.

 

[Ataraxia]

A couple of things come to mind here. First off, she wasn't sleeping with your friend. Friends do not treat each other in that manner, particularly given the extenuating circumstance of you being in the hospital. Second, it's not really that uncommon for people with Crohn's to grow apart from their friends. It's a disease that limits your social time considerably. Sometimes forums like this are the best place to express yourself because we all have these common experiences, and the end result of those experiences is that we sorta cease to be judgmental.

I know friends shouldn't treat others in this manner, but the main problem I find is my attempts at trying to understand why I was treated in such I way. My main downfall is that I think far too much.

 

[Ataraxia]

Hello Ataraxia,

I am sorry to hear what a difficult time you have had. I have had my share of heartache in my past as well. I learned the hard way the most important factors in any relationship are trust and honesty. There truly is someone out there for each of us but sometimes we have to go through hell to find them.

You mentioned that you seem to have less and less friends as time goes on. This disease feels as though it may feed on our depression and isolation. It is very important (especially when depressed) to not cut out healthy social outlets. Try to set somewhat of a daily routine for yourself where you have some level of interaction with others. It can be way to easy to just want to stay in bed and pull the covers over the head for a day or two. Fight to make yourself not fall into this as it only causes more blues and anxiety. You may find that talking to a counselor is a really big help. A. you should work at widening your social network a bit as it sounds as though your list of friends/acquaintances has dwindled. There is no shame in web sites to help meet people, I met my wife on Match.com.

Please be good to yourself and be a bit careful when you put yourself out there. It is not terribly healthy to go into each social venture looking for "the one". This always tends to help the wolves in the pack sniff out the more needy of us and pounce. If you are going out and just looking to meet someone, there is less pressure and the results (rejections) are not so potentially hurtful.

Hold your head high and best of luck to you.

I regard trust and honest as key parts of a relationship, also, which is why I'm having such a difficult time moving on from this. Generally, people disgust me, and I don't want to get close to any of them anyone. Yes, I have the habit of stereotyping these days, but it's because a majority of the time I believe my instincts are right; I also have to protect myself by putting up a defence barrier.

 

[forum contributor]

Just wanted to give you a hug, Andy.

You seem like you need it.

 

[fenway1971]

Hey Andy,
Heartbreak sucks. I didn't go through it until I was in my mid-30's. All this adcvice about finding YOU made no sense to me at the time. But, trust me. When you focus on the things that make you happy, you will DNS your way and that special someone will find you.

Take chances on meeting new people. Try something new. That perfect girl won't love you until you love yourself. Confidence woos women.

You are a good looking guy. You also care and have a heart. Good women will be drawn to you once you gain confidence. Trust me.

Hang in there. Vent here if you need to.

 

[shazamataz]

Hey Andy,

I agree with what everyone else has said and just wanted to send you some supportive thoughts.

Relationship stuff is hard enough without having to deal with serious health issues as well. I, too, am an over-thinker and actually believe that has been a big contributer to me getting Crohns in the first place. I have been holding on to huge amounts of anger and hurt over my last relationship, which ended about this time last year, and I reckon all that festered into my acscess.

Interestingly, a lot of the anger dissipated once I got the antibiotics! Crazy huh?

Anyway I get what you say about having trouble trusting people as they let you down. Believe me, my man lied and cheated on me and it was devastating. I guess the big thing to remind yourself is that the way someone treats you is more often about THEM and not you. That is, it doesn't matter how perfect or healthy or sick you are, they treat others the way they do and it is THEIR issue.

Try to be kind to yourself and focus on the people who DO care about you. And don;t worry too much about relationships at the moment. You need to start loving you first and healing your body.

Big Hugs
Shaz

 

[seaofdreams]

The best advice has already been given but I just wanted to add that an internet forum like this is the possibly one of the best places to vent how you're feeling and what you're going through. Also I know exactly how you feel about not having anyone to talk to, even though i was only diagnosed a month ago, i've been suffering for 3 years and my 'friends' have taken my constant declining of invitations and such personally and have quickly dwindled to almost nothing. Like it has been said above, maybe now isn't the best time to be having to worry about romantic relationships and to spend time boosting your selfesteem and confidence.

 

[Ataraxia]

I think this girl is just living her life buddy - just like we all are.

That doesn't make it right though. People can live their life but have a degree of respect for other people. That's what I was really getting at in the first place.

 

[Ataraxia]

Just wanted to give you a hug, Andy.

You seem like you need it.

Thank you

 

[Ataraxia]

Hey Andy,
Heartbreak sucks. I didn't go through it until I was in my mid-30's. All this adcvice about finding YOU made no sense to me at the time. But, trust me. When you focus on the things that make you happy, you will DNS your way and that special someone will find you.

Take chances on meeting new people. Try something new. That perfect girl won't love you until you love yourself. Confidence woos women.

You are a good looking guy. You also care and have a heart. Good women will be drawn to you once you gain confidence. Trust me.

Hang in there. Vent here if you need to.

Thanks. Yeah, I'm trying to keep myself busy

 

[Ataraxia]

Hey Andy,

Try to be kind to yourself and focus on the people who DO care about you. And don;t worry too much about relationships at the moment. You need to start loving you first and healing your body.

Big Hugs
Shaz

True. I'm trying to concentrate on getting my weight back, and fitness up. A new relationship isn't the priority for me at the moment. I don't need it.

 

[Ataraxia]

Also I know exactly how you feel about not having anyone to talk to, even though i was only diagnosed a month ago, i've been suffering for 3 years and my 'friends' have taken my constant declining of invitations and such personally and have quickly dwindled to almost nothing.

How do you cope with that?

 

[seaofdreams]

How do you cope with that?

I don't really, it gets me down a lot. I try to make plans with my few remaining friends but much of the time I feel too ill to make it and then they get mad at me for "bailing" on them again so eventually I just don't bother anymore and neither do they. It makes it difficult that I live an hour and a half away from where most of my friends live and go out so the travel is what the major problem is. I try and stay in touch with as many people as possible by phone and facebook but it's easy to grow apart without personal interaction.

 

[Ataraxia]

Similar things happen with me. Just because I don't go out on the town one week, or go home early when I do 'cause I start to feel a little bit ill, they relegate me a few levels in their league of friends.

I've always said to myself, you really find out who your real friends are when shit starts to hit the fan. Over the course of the past 5 years, I've lost my mother, my gran and granddad, my dad's new girlfriend, then had all this thing with Crohn's going on. My friends have rapidly deteriorated since then.

 

[teeny5]

I am sorry that this happened to you Andy. It is always hard to deal with betrayal. I am like you. I over think every situation and try to figure out why people act the way they do. Eventually I have to come to the conclusion that people suck. Who knows why people do things. It could be because of their own insecurities, they are mean people, or they are crazy...ultimately it doesn't matter. I know it is hard. It is true that people's true colors come out in difficult times. Even if you are finding out who really cares about you, it still hurts when you find out that some people don't. You will get over it. The most important thing is that you don't blame yourself for what has happened. I believe in karma and I believe that if you suck then sucky things will eventually happen to you. It is this form of justice that I believe in that helps me move on with my life. I know it is stupid and many don't believe this, but I do....things happen for a reason for you to learn something about other people or to learn something about yourself. This disease has shown me who really cares, as well as shown me that I am much tougher than I ever thought. It has changed my perspective on life. Maybe try to look at the situation in the mindset of what can I learn from this experience. That is what can sometimes help me accept what has happened and move on from it. Everyday people do things that I obsess over why they did, again I totally understand where you come from about trying to figure out why someone does things.

I hope this makes sense and I hope it helps you. Hope you feel better about the situation. Some people just suck, it isn't a reflection of you, they just suck.

 

[Ataraxia]

I am sorry that this happened to you Andy. It is always hard to deal with betrayal. I am like you. I over think every situation and try to figure out why people act the way they do. Eventually I have to come to the conclusion that people suck. Who knows why people do things. It could be because of their own insecurities, they are mean people, or they are crazy...ultimately it doesn't matter. I know it is hard. It is true that people's true colors come out in difficult times. Even if you are finding out who really cares about you, it still hurts when you find out that some people don't. You will get over it. The most important thing is that you don't blame yourself for what has happened. I believe in karma and I believe that if you suck then sucky things will eventually happen to you. It is this form of justice that I believe in that helps me move on with my life. I know it is stupid and many don't believe this, but I do....things happen for a reason for you to learn something about other people or to learn something about yourself. This disease has shown me who really cares, as well as shown me that I am much tougher than I ever thought. It has changed my perspective on life. Maybe try to look at the situation in the mindset of what can I learn from this experience. That is what can sometimes help me accept what has happened and move on from it. Everyday people do things that I obsess over why they did, again I totally understand where you come from about trying to figure out why someone does things.

I hope this makes sense and I hope it helps you. Hope you feel better about the situation. Some people just suck, it isn't a reflection of you, they just suck.

Ah yes, people do suck. I'm glad you agree.

I'm not so sure about karma at the min. All the bad people I've met seem to be enjoying carefree lives without any punishment.

 

[seaofdreams]

Similar things happen with me. Just because I don't go out on the town one week, or go home early when I do 'cause I start to feel a little bit ill, they relegate me a few levels in their league of friends.

I've always said to myself, you really find out who your real friends are when shit starts to hit the fan. Over the course of the past 5 years, I've lost my mother, my gran and granddad, my dad's new girlfriend, then had all this thing with Crohn's going on. My friends have rapidly deteriorated since then.

I'm the same, before I got quite bad I used to go out every weekend and do things but it's so hard now. It always makes me feel like my life isn't quite "normal" because I'm not alway out socialising. But you have to remember that it's not your fault that you're feeling the way you do and I'm sure that once you get your symptoms under control, you'll get the confidence to build up a new and supporting social circle.

 

[Ataraxia]

I'm the same, before I got quite bad I used to go out every weekend and do things but it's so hard now. It always makes me feel like my life isn't quite "normal" because I'm not alway out socialising. But you have to remember that it's not your fault that you're feeling the way you do and I'm sure that once you get your symptoms under control, you'll get the confidence to build up a new and supporting social circle.

Oh I know us Crohnies aren't normal. I at least take a bit confidence from that. "Normal People" tend to be ignorant, pretentious arseholes

 

[cracker07]

My personality is extremely fragmented at the moment. One min I'm happy as can be, the next I cry at every little thing, and then I'm seemingly angry at everyone. I don't think time heals anything, because I'm overly cautious about every new human being I meet.

I couldn't sleep last night for thinking. I was tossing and turning every night, and I began getting frustrated with myself -it's been like that for months now.

I'm beginning to sympathize with Schizophrenics.

If you thought you had a reason to be embarrassed by your story just know that what you wrote above is something I can completely relate to. There's no reason to be embarrassed at all, and I'm actually comforted by the fact that there might be people going through similar feelings that I am as well.

I don't think it would be a bad idea at all at looking into finding a good counselor you can be comfortable with. I've been putting that idea off myself for some time now, so don't get me wrong, I know it's easier said than done! I once went to a counselor for depression a long time ago, but it wasn't my choice and I really wasn't ready for it. I basically lied to get out of there as fast as I could, but in retrospect I wish I had been more open. Having a friend to talk to would be much easier and comfortable than talking to a stranger, but I think a professional is better because they've studied how we all work and can often see things more clearly than we can on our own. You don't have to tell them something you aren't comfortable with, go at your own pace and if it takes 2, 3, or more visits to open up then do just that, or if you just don't feel comfortable with that person find another. At least go once though, and try to be open no matter how uncomfortable it may be.

I've been depressed for years and one thing I know is that it doesn't go away on its own. We might be able to find activities or people to distract us for a short while, but that doesn't fix the problem. What I've found is that when we ignore depression and cover it up with things like a relationship, when that relationship ends, as most aren't forever, the depression kicks back in double time.

Hopefully you take my advice, and hopefully I take it for myself as well, lol. I personally know how there are 1,000 and 1 excuses to avoid making the phone call each day, but one thing I do know is that ignoring depression is never a solution. Take care man!