having a bad day
every day all i think is im all alone. no-one seems to understand, all i see is a doe eyed look in my friends eyes, sympathy flows from them,
i just wanna be the guy i was 2 years ago, they would come to me to help them out, to do favours for them, not to be a weak and sick human being that i see in the mirror now.
they can never understand that im afraid to go out with them incase i cant get to a toilet, which could end in the most embarrasing disaster, how does a grown man say im afraid that if i go out i may shit myself,
no-one seems to understand that if im sat down for a while, if i stand im gunna need to go to the loo, when i try to tell them that im nervous about standing i hear a faint giggle, and everytime i hear it i loose more of my self respect and pride, they have no idea that if i stand im setting myself up for 15 mins of unbelevable pain, then as if the act of going to the loo isnt enough pain, i have to lower my self onto a seat and hope no-one see's me fighting back tears, and when they do the familiar sound of ''ahh bless'' who ever thought that saying that stupid statement ever helped anyone, it just serves to let you know that you are weaker than they are.
i never used to be this way, i still remember having just two craps a day, i remember eating a big meal and not being able to track it throughout my body, i remember going to the toilet and not seeing blood, i remember being the life and soul of the party, now i sit in a cornor and hope i dissapear.
since i was diagnosed i havent had a girlfriend, and i cant see how i will ever have one now, i keep imagining the first date going over in my mind, going somewhere with a girl i like picking a place with lots of toilets, (just in case). having a meal, maybe a movie, and being nervous through out which is never going to be good for the bowels, how do i explain that i need to rush to the toilet every so often, how do i have a date with someone when im leaving them alone every 20mins? and say she see's past that, befor long im gunna get sick and she's stuck with a grown man who can hardly move and craps all the time. im better off alone.
there has to be an end to all this pain, an end to all the symptoms, but i dont see it, im stood in a tunnel and there is no lights to show me that one day i will be ok,
i wish i could turn the clocks back, and be the strong, confident man i was befor all this started.
every day all i think is im all alone. no-one seems to understand, all i see is a doe eyed look in my friends eyes, sympathy flows from them,
i just wanna be the guy i was 2 years ago, they would come to me to help them out, to do favours for them, not to be a weak and sick human being that i see in the mirror now.
they can never understand that im afraid to go out with them incase i cant get to a toilet, which could end in the most embarrasing disaster, how does a grown man say im afraid that if i go out i may shit myself,
no-one seems to understand that if im sat down for a while, if i stand im gunna need to go to the loo, when i try to tell them that im nervous about standing i hear a faint giggle, and everytime i hear it i loose more of my self respect and pride, they have no idea that if i stand im setting myself up for 15 mins of unbelevable pain, then as if the act of going to the loo isnt enough pain, i have to lower my self onto a seat and hope no-one see's me fighting back tears, and when they do the familiar sound of ''ahh bless'' who ever thought that saying that stupid statement ever helped anyone, it just serves to let you know that you are weaker than they are.
i never used to be this way, i still remember having just two craps a day, i remember eating a big meal and not being able to track it throughout my body, i remember going to the toilet and not seeing blood, i remember being the life and soul of the party, now i sit in a cornor and hope i dissapear.
since i was diagnosed i havent had a girlfriend, and i cant see how i will ever have one now, i keep imagining the first date going over in my mind, going somewhere with a girl i like picking a place with lots of toilets, (just in case). having a meal, maybe a movie, and being nervous through out which is never going to be good for the bowels, how do i explain that i need to rush to the toilet every so often, how do i have a date with someone when im leaving them alone every 20mins? and say she see's past that, befor long im gunna get sick and she's stuck with a grown man who can hardly move and craps all the time. im better off alone.
there has to be an end to all this pain, an end to all the symptoms, but i dont see it, im stood in a tunnel and there is no lights to show me that one day i will be ok,
i wish i could turn the clocks back, and be the strong, confident man i was befor all this started.
