Hi, I guess I'm out of purgatury....

[person45]

After being married to my husband for a little more than 25 yrs and coped with the effect his Crohn's has had on our relationship all those years I now feel the need for support.

My husband was diagnosed with Crohn's at 17. Two surgeries and five years later we met.

We have raised 3 children (2 mine, 1 ours), dealt with adolescent drug addiction, Crohn's related hospital r&r and 2 more surgeries (total 4), empty nest syndrome, job relocation 12 hrs away from family and friends, overly demanding job, birth of our first grandchild and extended time my being away to help with aging parents on both sides.

It's only been in the last 2 years I feel, between the regular stress of life at 50 coupled with the disease only getting worse, that not only will my husband's future be sucked away but also mine. I would almost sell my soul for my husband to have the energy to do something besides work and I would kill to see him smile at me when he's home.

We live a lifestyle that wouldn't require my husband to have such a high stress job but between his desire for success and fear of losing his job/health insurance it's the home life that he gives up.

Aren't I a ray of sunshine? Needless to say:depressed:

 

[Ari]

I think you should try doing something together other than watching television. It could be as simple as playing a board/card game. I'm sure you can think of something.

 

[David]

First off, welcome to the community. There's quite a few people here who have experienced the exact same thing as you.

To some degree, I've been in your husband's shoes. When I'm having a flare, the last thing on my face is a smile, and I'm lucky enough to work from home! I can't imagine having to go to work each day when I'm in pain.

On the other side of the coin, I know what that has done to my fiance so I certainly feel for you as well. Luckily, with the help of dietary changes, self massage, meditation, supplements and heated yoga, I've gotten my life back to a large degree and am smiling again. I never want to make my fiance feel less than completely adored.

With all that said, you may want to make sure that all of this is 100% Crohn's related. After so many years of marriage, I'm guessing it's pretty easy to get into some routines (or other issues build) and forget to show your partner your love. Maybe some marital counseling could help? Even if it IS 100% Crohn's, I'm guessing some counseling could help so that you can both understand how the other feels. Sometimes that 3rd party can make a wonderful difference in opening up communication channels.

No matter what, I wish you and your husband all the best!

P.S. Your intro in the purgatory area made me chuckle.

 

[person45]

Not trying to make excuses but he works out of town and is only home from about 8pm Friday night until 6:30 am Monday morning. It's taking him almost 24 hrs to recoup since he tends to come home sick and in pain.

We bought kayaks last year and you're right doing something together besides sitting and watching tv does help. But there isn't much to do when the other person just wants to be left alone.

 

[David]

Not trying to make excuses but he works out of town and is only home from about 8pm Friday night until 6:30 am Monday morning. It's taking him almost 24 hrs to recoup since he tends to come home sick and in pain.

Hmm, I know that when I travel, because it's so hard to eat healthy, I almost always end up in a flare. I've resolved to take food with me from now on because eating out is a sure way to wake up with an unhappy gut. Does your husband eat healthy when he's traveling for work? That alone may make a world of difference. If I stay away from what foods I'm reactive to (I had one of those blood tests) then it makes a world of difference. Considering sugar, dairy, and yeast are my three biggest issues, eating out means trouble.

 

[person45]

blood tests? He has been told to restrict fats since so much intestine has been removed. He is a stubborn man and refuses to give up oreos or anything else he likes. I tried hard to change what I cooked at home (evil bad wife) to see if that helped but it was useless when a very thin person (poor soul!) eats a third of a box of fatty cookies he had to go to the store himself buy.

He is having a very hard time dealing with the idea that he has to change his life even more because of the Crohn's to improve the quality of it in the long run. Of course if he was told to give up brussel sprouts (never ate) or seeing my parents more than once a year, we wouldn't have a problem. He is angry and bitter about the continual impact the disease has had on his life and is destroying his health and future and mine along with it.

 

[MADiMarc]

Crabbyperson45,
I am on the other side here looking in so take what I say with a grain of salt, okay?
I have been married for almost 30 years to a saint. I am the sick one, the one with the Crohn's, the one that knows she shouldn't eat certain thing but goes right ahead and does it anyway from time to time because, damn it, I have to live a little bit.
My husband was getting more & more depressed. This was because I was sick & just felt like vegging out all the time. I started buying him hobby stuff. For him, it is woodworking tools and I bought season tickets for him & my son in law (well, I won one seat in a raffle). What I am trying to say is, do some things for yourself. As a woman, I am sure you put yourself at the bottom of the list most of the time.
Also, looking from this side remember, let your husband worry about his health. I know you worry, you want him healthy. If it is not his main priority then you are essentially walking through molasses in January...expending great amounts of energy and getting no where fast.
Walk away for a bit if you have to. I am not saying forever, but go see a girlfriend for the weekend or something like that.
I hope you find what you need to make it more tolerable.
Good luck,
Michele

 

[David]

blood tests? He has been told to restrict fats since so much intestine has been removed. He is a stubborn man and refuses to give up oreos or anything else he likes. I tried hard to change what I cooked at home (evil bad wife) to see if that helped but it was useless when a very thin person (poor soul!) eats a third of a box of fatty cookies he had to go to the store himself buy.

For some (myself included) food can literally be an addiction. I personally use it like some people use cigarettes: to self medicate. Just as smokers know that it will likely cause them all kinds of ill effects in the future but keep smoking, many of us with IBD do the same thing, but with food. Because we're addicted.

Some smokers refuse to ever quit. Some slowly ween off but fall off the bandwagon. Some quit cold turkey but few of them are able to sustain. The crap they put in foods these days is so addicting. They should put warning labels on unhealthy foods just like they do with cigarettes.

 

[Guest]

it seems to me the milestone of 50 is causing you to look back, look forward, and analyse... and maybe you're not happy with what you see..

i'm a big believer in accepting the things we cannot change, and having the courage to change the things we can.. hence - change what's in your control, and accept the things your husband does which you may not like or think are the best options for him... but it's his body, his life.

and yes, what he does impacts on you, and will do in the future, but you can make your days better for you, starting now. start doing things for you - spend some time with your friends, start attending a class, go for walks in the park, start knitting... whatever it is that you like doing, but haven't done because you've been so busy being a wife, mum, grandma, and nursing partner.

this is your life. just as his is his life. make the most of it....