How did your partner take the news?

Crohn's Disease Forum

Help Support Crohn's Disease Forum:

merrywidow

merrywidow

mum with a dogdy tum
Joined
Oct 10, 2007
Messages
3,072
how did your partner take the news?

i was wondering how peoples partners took the news of being diagnosed.
my husband was relived that they found something wrong and could "cure it" he was very understanding, that was until i had a pouch, it was totally different then, he hated it, wouldnt come near me sexually, and even slept in the other room, he hated it that much. i personally dont think he hated the stoma i think he hated the fact that, i was more confident and could plans days out without having to check for toilets. he had several years of looking after me and now i didnt need looking after, i think this was the trouble. i put this in the " lounge" as some of this is personal. reagrds sharon x
 
Last edited:
I don't know if I count but I told my girlfriend after a week and she just told me to let her know if I felt bad. She also offered to drive me to the ER if I ever need to go. A few weeks ago she went with me to Remicade. She also has an autoimmune disease so she understands a little bit although she has nothing compared to Crohn's she often doesn't sleep for days on end and then crashes for quite a bit. But she took the news really well.
 
my fiance/wife, was/is magnificent about it.

i'd hate the situation to be reversed, i'd be scared i cant match her level of understanding and compassion...
 
GoJohnnyGo said:
Nah. I got the punt immediately. No explanation either.
Click to expand...
punt? does that mean she dumped you? its means your alone now? if so then she wasnt worth it, no-one who trully loves someone could dump them because of a health issue. b***h .regards sharon x
 
I was in high school at the time. I missed a lot of school. The high school gossip-mill runs on nitro when you're not there to defend yourself for a week. Anyway, so her friends all started to tell her that I wasn't worth the trouble and she should dump me. She did better, she used the time I was at home bed-ridden to go out and flirt with every guy she met and sleep around on me. It helped that she had lost a ton of weight and suddenly found that she didn't have to resort to someone who wasn't just interested in her body, but could pretty much have her pick.

She dumped me, 6 months later I started dating someone else and she was berating me for sleeping with someone else. A month after that she admits that she was screwing around and even pimping herself out for drugs, which is another habit she secretly picked up on the days I was bed-ridden being boring.

And to top it all off after that 2nd relationship ended (I got used to make her ex jealous but that's not crohn's related) and I eventually met my wife and was finally being treated well by someone, she came crying back to me telling me how great I had been to her while everyone else had treated her like crap and how much she wanted me back. She knew I was with (and very happy) someone too.
 
Well, I dont have a bag *knock on wood* so it's totally internal, however my wife does hate the flareups as she wishes I would use a different bathroom than our main upstairs bathroom. However, being the kind of guy I am, I like the option to lock not one, not two, but three doors so I can be totally alone as I scream in agony, that and I hate when someone wants to interupt my game of Texas Hold Em on my phone when things are ok in there.

However the main argument I'm having lately is my change in diet. I will vocally bitch about what I can't eat, because I have an affair with food, and I can no longer have some foods. And she gets sick and tired of hearing me bitch when I cant eat something. The kicker though is I'm the family chef, and I'm often cooking tihngs for the family I can't eat. So it's not like I can just turn my head and ignore something, it's killing me that I'm there cooking it, smelling it, serving it and can't eat it.

Hell tonight I am having a glass of very dry white wine and bitching I have to do something with my huge bottle of Crown Royal... its not just the Crown but the Coca Cola to serve with it. But no matter. I can't mention what is depressing me about what I can't eat.

hmph.
 
jed said:
my fiance/wife, was/is magnificent about it.

i'd hate the situation to be reversed, i'd be scared i cant match her level of understanding and compassion...
Click to expand...

I feel exactly the same!
My boyfriend is so wonderful and understanding. I wonder if i could be the same to him.

xXxXx
 
well most of you know part of my deal as far as this topic....

i had crohns long before we started dating, and we were long time family friends, so of course he knew that i had a crohnic disease and all and was sick often. the first year or so i felt pretty good and, how ironic, our relationship was smooth sailing. he was great and sweet and the days i didnt feel good was understanding. i had been hiding my butt surgeries for a time from him, and then one day when i had one and i had just told him i was going to the dr, his mom told him it was actually surgery. he was mad at me for holding stuff back from him and i told him that sometimes i pretended and tried to hide when i actually felt awful and sick around him. he told me to stop doing that and he wanted me to be real.
so i was.
last july (about 1 year after we got together) i went out to cleveland clinic to see a world famous surgeon who told me i had to get bagged pronto. i was crushed and of course changed my outlook a little bit as i now had this huge cloud over my head to deal with and figure out. he told me that he didnt care at all whatr happened to me, if i eneded up with a stoma he would love me no less and just wanted me to feel good. however that was the VERY day that our relationship changed. from there on it got harder and harder to connect with each other, and at the same time i was getting sicker and sicker. he didnt call or text as much, that made me sadder and madder that he wasnt there for me. he had told me again and again that he was always gonna be there for me and was even confident that we would get married. love is blind huh? or whatever that saying is. direct quote that sticks in my head even still now "i want to work through ANYTHING, any problems we ever have, so that we can make it"
not really.
so as i was crashing he was not having any time for me, i wouldnt hear from him for a week at a time, or see him for like 3 wks at a time. we had many "good" conversations about how we would try to be more understanding and reach out to eachother and support each other, adn it would last for a day.
finally after he joined the "my ass" fan club on facebook, aka photo of a hot girls butt in thong....when i hadnet heard from him for a week...i called him and instigated the breakup conversation. which wasnt really a new topic even, we had talked about it before, but he kept saying he would try harder.
so we were done.
i asked him when he stopped loving me and he told me it was when i changed. to him i was a different person, not the one he fell in love with...he loved "healthy, happy, laughing, always positive" kelly. and i guess he cant see that in me now.
i do though, maybe a little fainter than before, but that part of me is very much alive. so **** him.
the thing was though, i could TELL that he didnt love me anymore. and he wondered why i kept getting mad at him. hello?! i can read people sometimes, i KNEW his feelings had changed and he kept lying and telling me how much i meant to him, and then never came over to see me as i couldve ben dying for all he knew.
and i knew he was lying, even if he didnt know it or didnt wanna admit it to himself. i kind of kick myself in the ass for not being a little more assertive about it all, but i guess i needed to learn that lesson huh?

ah well. it felt good to get that all out. i still hold somewhat of a grudge though, im having a lot of truouble letting it go. ive let it go enough that i can be nice enough around him, we are even going camping together as families in a few weeks. oh joy. but inside, i really still hate him for how badly he hurt me. i trusted him and HE was the one who convinced me to let him into my deepest, most secretive part of me, to tell him how i really felt and show him the sick side of me. and then as soon as he saw it he pushed me away.
*******.
sometimes i forgive him, and sometimes i want him to get sick as hell so that the will know what it feels like for someone he expects to care, to not even give two ***** about him.

god i sound like such a bitch

good thinking putting this in the lounge merr lol, i dont think i wouldve been as blunt in the outside forums
 
Last edited:
I guess Paul is just glad we've found what it was. For 18months I tried all sorts of probiotics and stuff as we thought it was just upset gut flora from having a shed load of broad spectrum antibiotics. He's been to every consultation with me, as much as to be a 'recording device' so we dont miss anything the doc' says as well as support.

It probably helps that he has had a few life threatening illnesses in his time, including a hemorrhagic stroke in the brain stem whilst we've been together and subsequent seizures. So he understands what 'being there' is all about. Having said that... I do have an issue tho. He doesn't seem to appreciate how fsking crap I've been feeling this past 6 months or so. Or at least doesn't make out he understands. I get the impression he really wants me back at work, maybe he is concerned about the length of time I've been away from the software industry and hence the increase in difficulty of getting another job. I dont know. It's been getting me stressed, and I react very badly to stress at the best of times. Which doesn't help the overall well/not-well feelings. It's not like I haven't been sleeping in the day and sleeping fine without sleepy drugs at night too - which for me is indicative of something amiss.
 
kello82 said:
well most of you know part of my deal as far as this topic....

i had crohns long before we started dating, and we were long time family friends, so of course he knew that i had a crohnic disease and all and was sick often. the first year or so i felt pretty good and, how ironic, our relationship was smooth sailing. he was great and sweet and the days i didnt feel good was understanding. i had been hiding my butt surgeries for a time from him, and then one day when i had one and i had just told him i was going to the dr, his mom told him it was actually surgery. he was mad at me for holding stuff back from him and i told him that sometimes i pretended and tried to hide when i actually felt awful and sick around him. he told me to stop doing that and he wanted me to be real.
so i was.
last july (about 1 year after we got together) i went out to cleveland clinic to see a world famous surgeon who told me i had to get bagged pronto. i was crushed and of course changed my outlook a little bit as i now had this huge cloud over my head to deal with and figure out. he told me that he didnt care at all whatr happened to me, if i eneded up with a stoma he would love me no less and just wanted me to feel good. however that was the VERY day that our relationship changed. from there on it got harder and harder to connect with each other, and at the same time i was getting sicker and sicker. he didnt call or text as much, that made me sadder and madder that he wasnt there for me. he had told me again and again that he was always gonna be there for me and was even confident that we would get married. love is blind huh? or whatever that saying is. direct quote that sticks in my head even still now "i want to work through ANYTHING, any problems we ever have, so that we can make it"
not really.
so as i was crashing he was not having any time for me, i wouldnt hear from him for a week at a time, or see him for like 3 wks at a time. we had many "good" conversations about how we would try to be more understanding and reach out to eachother and support each other, adn it would last for a day.
finally after he joined the "my ass" fan club on facebook, aka photo of a hot girls butt in thong....when i hadnet heard from him for a week...i called him and instigated the breakup conversation. which wasnt really a new topic even, we had talked about it before, but he kept saying he would try harder.
so we were done.
i asked him when he stopped loving me and he told me it was when i changed. to him i was a different person, not the one he fell in love with...he loved "healthy, happy, laughing, always positive" kelly. and i guess he cant see that in me now.
i do though, maybe a little fainter than before, but that part of me is very much alive. so **** him.
the thing was though, i could TELL that he didnt love me anymore. and he wondered why i kept getting mad at him. hello?! i can read people sometimes, i KNEW his feelings had changed and he kept lying and telling me how much i meant to him, and then never came over to see me as i couldve ben dying for all he knew.
and i knew he was lying, even if he didnt know it or didnt wanna admit it to himself. i kind of kick myself in the ass for not being a little more assertive about it all, but i guess i needed to learn that lesson huh?

ah well. it felt good to get that all out. i still hold somewhat of a grudge though, im having a lot of truouble letting it go. ive let it go enough that i can be nice enough around him, we are even going camping together as families in a few weeks. oh joy. but inside, i really still hate him for how badly he hurt me. i trusted him and HE was the one who convinced me to let him into my deepest, most secretive part of me, to tell him how i really felt and show him the sick side of me. and then as soon as he saw it he pushed me away.
*******.
sometimes i forgive him, and sometimes i want him to get sick as hell so that the will know what it feels like for someone he expects to care, to not even give two ***** about him.

god i sound like such a bitch

good thinking putting this in the lounge merr lol, i dont think i wouldve been as blunt in the outside forums
Click to expand...
His loss honey you deserve far better he sounds like a total ******* you will find someone that deserves you.
 
I've had stomach problems since I was about 11 or 12. I met my husband when I was 16 and we became best friends (I'm 28 now). We began dating when I was 17 and he was 16, so he has always known that I've had issues with my stomach, but they were never this bad. Every time I would get a stomach bug and other people would be better in a couple days, I would have it for a week or 2 and end up in the ER... and he was always by my side.
We got married in 2005. Then last year, for our 10-year anniversary (of being together, not being married), we went on a cruise and that's when I really got sick. I was barely able to do anything that trip.
But no matter what, he has always been there for me. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me. No matter what, he's right there. He's the one that has fought with doctors and the insurance company when I can't; he takes me to the doctor or hospital when I can't drive myself; he picks up my meds when I can't get them... but best of all, he's there to listen to me and hold me when I just can't take it anymore.
If it weren't for him, I think I would've jumped off a bridge a looooong time ago.
 
Santos61198 said:
Wow, Kello - **** him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Click to expand...
she cant because she dumped him!!!!!



kello dont wish badness on people, what goes around comes around. he is just scared of the new kello. thats all he dosent know what to do and doesent want to "hurt" your stoma.
sharon x
 
My husband has been supportive, but is frustrated that we still don't have a diagnosis, as am I. Several months ago I had a major breakdown (think Sally Field in Steel Magnolias) and was a hysterical mess. We ended up in a screaming match and he yelled at me "THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU"! I thought, "Wow, just what I need -- another ******* thinking I'm a hypochondriac making up symptoms". Quickly after, he came in to talk to me and apologized saying he didn't mean he thought I was lying about it, but that he had to convince himself that there's nothing wrong with me because he didn't want to think about the possibility of losing me (this was when doctors were tossing the word "cancer" around). He works 70 hours a week and we're struggling with bills, swimming in medical debt on top of raising three kids, so the stress level is extreme. I feel like such a burden to him, but he reassures me that I am in no way a burden and his main focus is me getting a proper diagnosis, so I can start treatment.
 
Great stories - everyone seems very lucky.

I was diagnosed 6 years ago when I was married. Though we have parted ways since, it wasn't because of my disease. She's still an important part of my life and is very much supportive and understanding as a close friend.
 
Well, Drew had probably read my intro story before we really hooked...
Oh - you mean my legal husband - not my cyber one. Okay. My husband and I had dated since we were 15, and I wasn't diagnosed until 32 or something, so he's been through it all with me. I can't remember details, but at the time, I remember that it seemed as though he and my mom were the only people who "got it". Everyone else seemed to think I was anorexic, or just said the most insensitive things. He's always been a great husband though - even before diagnosis. He just wants me to be well. I was complaining about how I have gained back a few more pounds than I would have liked to on Remi, and he said that he would rather have me chubby (not that I am) than sick again. He's right.
 
Super old thread, haha...

When my wife (aka The Muffin) and I started dating, I took her to a bar, started pouring shots down her throat, then laid out what life with me would be like. HAHAHA- she got that, and then some! Multiply it by, idk, let's say 50! Through surgeries, depressions, mania, blood loss and extreme fatigue, hospitalizations and blood transfusions, crazy anaphylaxis to meds, potty accidents in public and in private and everything else- she has always been by my side. I probably take that for granted a little too much. She keeps me sane.:)
 
my boyfriend and i started dating when i was 17 he knew i had a lot of emotional stuff going on with my family but when i told him about it he was really supportive of me and he makes sure i take my meds when im supposed to and he takes excelent care of me when i get sick from taking the biologics my ex didn't really understand the docs thought i had lymphoma and he didn't really care so oh well i have an excelent guy in my life
 
My boyfriend new about it while we were friends and he only asked what it was. He has his own health issues so he's not the judgemental type when it comes to other people's health. He knew what he was getting into when he started dating me, well, at least where the Crohn's is concerned. :p
 
dlzoidberg said:
Never had anyone to tell. :frown:
Click to expand...

I sympathise, i donno if i would be able to deal with this a lot of the time without her. i admire the strength you must have, though it will never be enough to truly beat me on the last post wins thread. There should be like an IBD dating service, though in America paying for double the health costs might make that prohibitive.
 
Janis was the strong one. She grilled the drs for about 2 hrs that day. She asked questions that amazed the Doctor and the nurses. That was 25 yrs ago. She still goes with me to my appointments and still asks questions. She is my rock through all these years.
 
My husband took it ok I guess..Considering I have been in severe pain since we met at the age 13 I am now 28 and find out I have a very severe case of crohns in my throat,both intestines,and stomach..He was a lil freaked out but so am I ..There's nothing I can eat I am living on nutritional drinks dropping eight like crazy..Depressed all the time...
 
I was diagnosed 6 months after getting married. I was 19, my husband was 24. He was and is wonderful about the Crohns. He has his faults, as we all do, but never, not once has he made me feel "less" if you know what I mean.
 
I started having issues just a few months after moving in with my husband while we were dating. We got married at the courthouse before our wedding just so I could have insurance in his name and figure out what was going on. I didn't get diagnosed of course till a few months ago. So its been 6 years of me being sick. I think he is relieved that they figured out what was wrong with me. But he has always been supportive. I worry way to much about it affecting him. He is the type that nothing bothers him and if it does he doesn't show it. Im very lucky in that my husband loves me and supports me no matter whats going on. I just wish I had his mind set because I didnt take the diagnosis well at all and I'm still having a hard time coping with having a "disease"
 
Well I'm coming from a slightly different direction.

Because I wasn't diagnosed til I was nearly 37 years old, my DH and I have been together for 18 years. Our kids are 9 and 11.
Crohn's is actually pretty mild compared to some of the challenges we've already made it through in our marriage! lol
 
My husband and I met 11 1/2 yrs ago and I have been dealing with this for all my. We have been through some other crazy stuff before so this is nothing. After so long I finally got a dx. When I told him he asked me if I was for sure or maybe the DR was jumping the gun. But I have talked to him about it and he doesn't say anything about me having more tests done so he understands. I guess it just puts a name to it. We are both so used to it already. I haven't been to the ER yet for it. He has been with me when I was 100lbs up to 135lbs, then back down to 115 in Jan. He was the first b/f to tell me that my scars are beautiful and are apart of me. He bought me my first bikini while we were dating. I love him very much and he has been by my side through everything. In 2 days we will b e married for 9 yrs!
 
I was single when I got diagnosed, but still living with my mum and dad who luckily were very helpful. My brother has Crohn's as well, so we knew what we were dealing with :)

Pretty lucky to have an awesome family I guess :D
 
I've been with my boyfriend since we were 16, we're 19 now. I was diagnosed at age 7 but never told anyone ever outside my family about it cause I was in remission and didn't want to be judged about it when I started a new middle school. But when I had my flare/surgery last summer, I finally told him and I am constantly amazed how compassionate he is about it, never grossed out, never sick of my bitching, never afraid to go to the ER with me, lol. I think it actually showed me the best side of him that I wouldn't have seen otherwise.
I know we're all young and stuff and nobody seems to take us seriously but I've been with him for 3 years and I really can't imagine anyone who could understand me like him. I'm so lucky cause he could have dumped me on my ass when he found out I had a bowel disease but he was totally on board and has been 500% supportive.

Sorry I got a little mushy there but it I feel very lucky to have his support. I know we all need support on here! plus we're in the Members Only section:redface:
 
I was dx 4 years into our marriage. He was wonderful about it. He treats me like a queen and takes care of me very well. I'm a lucky woman. We just celebrated 12 years yesterday.
 
When my bf met me I was more or less perefectly healthy as I was on infliximab and doing great :) We moved in together and everything was fine crohns wise until my doctors decieded to see how I went without infliximab and I flared up after 2 months. It then took another 4 months to get the approval to go back onto it. During that time he was the most supportive , lovely boyfriend I could have wished for. He stayed up with me at night when I was too scared to go to sleep because I knew I'd feel ill in the morning , he understood that we couldnt go out like our friends and when the only food I could tolerate was rice and quorn that was all he ate at home so I didnt get tempted by whatever he was eating. I could be open with him about my colonoscopys - I remember him trying to temp me into drinking my laxative! Obviously I tried to keep the finer details from him - I mean who wants their partner to know that you have about 20 episodes of diahreaha a day? But he even put up with my mood swings and moon face when I was on steroids! I never thought I would be able to find a boyfriend that would cope with my illness (especially not at my age - I'm 18 and my boyfriends 20) but I feel so lucky :3 and having crohns is the ultimate sorting the wheat from the chaff exersize! If they're worth it they'll love you , illness and all :)
 
My wife is an accident and emergency medicine consultant (she works in the ER if you are on the other side of the pond) so she is used to dealing with the sick and dying. I think her reaction was something like "that is not a big surprise is it?" as I'd had symptoms since childhood and it took 4 years to diagnose me after having surgery on a fistula. The problem with living with someone who fixes sick people for a living is that she does not want to have to deal with it when she gets home, so I don't get much sympathy!
 
I had been diagnosed 11 years before I met my husband. I think I told him about my Crohn's on our first date. To be mushy about it, we had 7:00 reservations that night, and the wait staff finally asked us to leave when they were closing the restaurant for the night, as we just talked and talked. I was in remission at the time.

I warned him that I was "high maintenance" and about 2 months after we started dating, he had to take me to the ER for a bowel obstruction. Since he stayed with me through all of that, I knew he was "the one". We have our moments, and I think he's sick of me being sick (but probably a lot less than I am)
 
JMC said:
The problem with living with someone who fixes sick people for a living is that she does not want to have to deal with it when she gets home, so I don't get much sympathy!
Click to expand...
That's about where I'm at. When I was diagnosed she was like, "Ok".

When I was coughing up blood for six weeks, she was like, "I've seen much worse".

When I was incapacitated for months because of costochondritis, she was like, "You always have something wrong with you."

No sympathy, but an amazing person otherwise.
 
David - Sometimes its better to have understanding rather than sympathy. I hate the looks on my parent's faces when I'm not well. Like they are hurting too. And suddenly I'm a different person and all we can talk about is how I'm feeling.
She must have some sympathy - she is just more used to it.
And also, a bit OT but I think its so funny reading my post on here from so long ago 'My boyfriend is amazing!' HA! At least I thought so at the time!
 
I started getting severe symptoms when me and my boyfriend first started dating two years ago. We were dating long distance (till a year ago) and in my first stages of getting diagnosed I kept him in the dark because I didn't know what was going on and neither did the doctor. He wasn't there when I got diagnosed, I was with my parents and had a bit of a mini breakdown and I waited to tell him when my breakdown was over. I try now to explain to him how I am feeling and he sees the pain that I am in but he still has a hard time understanding. He is very supportive and has taken me to emergency several times and always tries to come to my doctor appointments (even though they are two hours away), he even gives me my humira shots when I am short on courage! And although he is very supportive in those ways, he still does not understand the disease and how it is affecting me and I am not sure that he will ever be able to fully understand. There might be a night where we are out but I tell him I want to go home because I am not feeling well and he gets mad at me and thinks I am using my disease as an excuse (which I never do!) he just does not understand that sometimes it hits me all of a sudden but he definitely tries to be as supportive as possible when he can.
 

Similar threads

Papantoine
Neglect?
Replies
0
Views
246
Papantoine
Papantoine
P
How long on EEN before your child had solid motions again
Replies
5
Views
751
padrach3
P
C
Your thoughts, please. 10 yr old.
Replies
14
Views
1K
Crohns dad
C
thike1966
Hotel Crohn's Forever, The Return Of The Fistula
Replies
0
Views
580
thike1966
thike1966
M
7 year old in pain not diagnosed
Replies
4
Views
1K
my little penguin
my little penguin

Latest posts

Back
Top