I am at a loss for words....

[Silvermoon]

.... I was hoping it was a bad week last week, but it seems to be carrying over....

I am reading through the posts, both from older members and newer, and finding so much pain... and it is tugging quite hard at my heart strings... and I am finding it harder to find words of support and encouragement for you all... I am not sure if it is the "nurse" part of me that wants so very much to help you all.... or the "patient" part of me that empathizes so much....

When I am feeling so sick, and so blue, it feels, to me, like no one can say or do anything to make me feel better... so I am trying to find sincere words I can give to all of you to let you know I am here, I am listening , and I care... but I can't find my own. The closest I can come is to borrow from someone else....:

Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.
-- Albert Camus


I am starting to feel the frustrations of dealing with dumb@ss doctors... which is new for me... never had to deal with that frustration before...I just told them what I wanted, and it happened... so for those of you going through the painful process of navigating through the mess of retarded medical professionals... I do apologize on behalf of those of us that DO care....

I am once again dealing with the frustrations of wanting/trying to work, and just feeling so damn sick and tired that it is a job and a half just to get myself there....

I am, like you, feeling the guilt and the shame of letting the housework pile up, and depending on (loved ones) for support to do the little things, like get groceries, sweep the floor, or do the dishes....

I feel the guilt of having a loved one able to support me, both mentally and financially, as well as having a good job that can support me financially on the days I can't work.... so many of you out there are struggling with life and finances and it just doesn't seem fair somehow.....

And I can feel myself getting so very tired... physically and mentally... and I feel guilty for admitting all this when I am supposed to be part of a team who offers support to others.... I am finding a hard time offering emotional support to myself right now...and I am afraid I am not doing a very good job at supporting others....

But I need you all to know, that I AM here... I AM reading and taking in every word you say... I AM listening.... I am just at a loss for words at the moment....

So to all of you needing a hug, a hand, a shoulder.... I can offer no words...but let me walk beside you in silence.... and know that we are here...together......

 

[Nyx]

*walks silently beside silvermoon* I often am at a loss for words too. Or I think my words sound grossly inadequate.

Take care of yourself, I can't imagine being a nurse and trying to work AND have this disease. You're to be commended! I'm sure we all understand when people disappear for a bit...whether it be for the good, or the bad.

Follow some of your own advice (and others on here too)...rest, relax and try to get better. It's bound to happen

 

[DustyKat]

Dusty is searching for the tissue box...........again.

You are an incredible lady Silver.

Thinking about you, always. :hug:
Dusty

 

[Guest]

aw Silvermoon :hug:

now i'm the one who doesn't know what to say!!

except - nobody expects you to be superwoman, and you shouldn't expect that of yourself either. regarding this forum, we're just glad you're here first and foremost. if you can advise or support anyone else, great, but put you first for once - ok?

i'm here if you want to talk, i know our time clocks are different, but i log in umpteen times a day, so i will always reply to you immediately. feel better soon, hun. xx

 

[Crohn's 35]

Hey Silver, I am in your boat too. We all have our bad times and good times. You can't be there for everyone, like Joan does too and sometimes you have to bow out and take time for yourself. I used to worry about house work and chores, but I dont any more, it is stress and so what... it will be there waiting.

I miss having a normal life myself, I miss working and always looked after everyone else. There life goes on, whether is it family or the forum. We can empathasize how you feel! You have been a wonderful support since you started here and no one can or will condemn you for needing time for yourself, ever!

We all have fears, dont care who you are, some just feel reluctant to share. Mine at the moment isnt just my moderate crohns, about to flare at any given moment. I have been putting off looking after my knee and I know a knee replacement is coming. Will see my Gp and get it overwith to see a surgeon. Yep, easier to support someone and be chicken of your own problems.

Hang in there Silver we are always there for you. Get well soon, hugs!!

 

[duck68]

I'm only new to this forum (and to Crohn's) and I have found you all to be amazing people with just the right words. Silver - what you wrote above tugs at my heart strings! I am not good at putting my thoughts into words, especially words of encouragement and support for people.

Silver - keep your chin up - take the time for yourself if you need it too. We'll all be here waiting!!

Time for a group hug :ghug:

Take care everyone...xx

 

[Crohns08]

:hug::hug::hug: Lots of huge hugs Silver! You've been there for me in the support forums when I've needed advice or just a big hug and I appreciate it so much! You're so amazing Silver and don't forget to take time to take care of yourself! I feel like my own words don't often convey the extent of how I feel but I want you to know that I appreciate all that you do around here so much!

 

[MisB]

Hey Silver, you expressed that so perfectly. I told my family today it seems like everyone I know is having such hard times. A youth pastor at church has Crohn's and he's been in the hospital twice this last month, I'm waiting for my surgical consult, and as you stated, it seems most of us here are having problems. They say stress effects Crohn's and I guess life in the world has gotten so stressful that it's starting to take it's toll on everyone. I haven't been on much for a couple of days, and when I came back I see more and more serious and a little less humor. The main thing is that we are all here together through the good and the bad. The good is great while is lasts, but it's also more important to know we can be here for each other for the hugs and support when life is rough. I hate when people hang around for the fun stuff then disappear when help is really needed. In the last month I have seen all of you here for both and it is such great comfort. So, when we are able, pop in for the hugs, kisses, and kind words, and if you're up to it, try to throw a little humor as they say laughter is the best medicine. Sending a big huge :ghug: to you all and hope everyone starts feeling better this weekend. Do something good for yourself.

Silver......sending special :hug: and :kiss: to you. Don't be to hard on yourself. Sometimes you have to take the time to accept the help, not just be there for everyone else. Take care of yourself and feel better soon.

 

[Kanonu03]

I too am new to this forum and had to step away and take time for myself! Things have been very stressful here for me too..seems to be with everyone. My husband is deploying for a year and my mind and body has been a wreck! I have found everyone on here to be amazing and full of encouragement and that is more than I could ever ask for! We are all in this together fighting the same disease and noone knows better than us what we have to battle through. And in the end, it will still be us...holding eachothers hand through good and bad! Take care Silver and I agree, take some of your own advice! Rest, relax and care for yourself alittle!

 

[silver]

Hey Silver, you are a truly positive force on this forum, along with so many of the others, it's amazing how much a little bit of support can lift you up, you've lifted so many others so now it's our turn to lift you.

I know it's hard, i've felt awful this week and the chores have piled up, but you shouldn't feel guilty, you're going through a bad patch but your positive thoughts and lovely nature will carry you through, so have a hug :hug: and take some time for you. I hope that you feel more energised and better soon

 

[Astra]

Dear Silver

I don't know what to say only that you gotta look after number one, and that's you baby!
There comes a time in our lives where we gotta step back, you can only do so much to help others, and sometimes this can knock the stuffing out of you, the world will still revolve, and peeps on here will be ok! I'm poorly too, and I'll be back when the time's right!
Now, listen to me!
Stop the guilty feelings and chillax! take a breather, and come back when you're ready, right?
say 'Yes Joan' !!!
Good, we'll see ya soon!
love ya
xxxx

 

[Jerman]

SilverMoon,

Many members have felt the double edged sword that the forum can be. For people with a high level of empathy like yourself, it can be hard to just turn it off. It is easily apparent from your posts and our conversations that you are a very caring and sensitive person, plus being a nurse in your non forum life. It can be a bit draining at times supporting others in any sense, whether it be in a job, caring for a sick family member, or here on the forum.

This is where it can get tricky as if you feel "too deeply" and/or have the tendency to be an empath, the sadness and trials that are written here are by real people, not character in a sad story, thus making it hard to let go- 'cause you really wish you could make them feel better, once you get to start to know people on a more personal level. We learn of each other through posting, messenging, some members even talk on the phone. This too can make it more difficult to "to off" as we become friends and in some cases feel like "extended family" members. Again, this makes it very real to our heads and hearts that someone we know is hurting.

All of that being said, we all have to balance how we feel- mind,body, & spirit with the way we use the forum.

The upside of this environment and of all the empathetic souls who spend some time here can be a source of support like no other. Sometimes, in "real life" our family members or friends tire of "supporting us" and pull away. They may do this because they are drained, tired, or possibly just shallow buttheads.

This forum sometimes seems to literally spring to life when a member stumbles health-wise. This is where the beauty of this forum shines its brightest lights! People reach out to us from across the world, offering advice, prayers, white light, cyber-hugs and a level of compassion where you can actually somehow feel the tears cried for you.

Joe & I recently chatted a bit about the concept behind the movie "Pay it forward" from a few years back. (if you haven't seen it plz do) The basic concept is that you do something nice for someone with the hope/understanding that they will practice random kindness for someone that THEY see in need.

We are luck enough to have this Pay it Forward mindset here every day. Our little forum makes the world a brighter and more beautiful place despite the pain, sense of loss and tears shed here.

So SilverMoon, sit back rest up and just feel the love. Speak when you are ready but know that you too are a part of this beauty.......:ghug::ghug::ghug:

 

[kenny]

The nature of this site bothered me in the beginning. I took a break from here because all the horror stories were getting to me. Some of those stories were being fabricated by internet freaks who get their kicks by messing with people. The people behind this forum do a HUGE amount of work trying to keep that crap out of here, but I am sure there are still bits of melodrama and creative license here and there. Also I think the population here is not representative of the condition. Ongoing issues, complications and severe cases are more likely to draw people to a support community than those of us feeling well and getting on with our lives.

It looks worse than it is. Yes there are people suffering and we need to be here to lend them a hand up. I sure as heck appreciate the help and support I got here last year. But we get through it and do the best can. I used to tell people in the intro section to keep in mind that most of what they read here will not apply to them.

Also there are so many people who keep positive and get a lot of enjoyment out of life while coping with some pretty severe health issues. You have to look for them but they are here quietly offering that hand up.

 

[Swirl]

I feel the same in some ways.
I really want to work and I need to work.
I'm having bleeding problems that makes it hard. Tomorrow I might have a job calling saying I got it but I see GI wednesday and I know I will get a new drug that might make things worst and how would I work like that.... etc...

When things get to you like it does now, throw in a movie, something. I don't know what to say. This is crazy. Hope you feel a lot less like this soon. It 'can' get better. Just remember that.

 

[AnneMarie]

I just joined this site yesterday and am so pleased I did. It makes the world a less lonely place when you find people with the same problems as yourself.

All we can do is be there for each other through good times and bad and if you need time out you have to take it Silvermoon, you are the most important person in your life and no-one knows how you feel at any given moment except you.

Sending you huge hugs

 

[EthanPSU]

Personally I feel that everyone needs to just not let it control you.

 

[kello82]

hugs lady!! you are a great person silver, the fact that you feel those things is proof. =]

Personally I feel that everyone needs to just not let it control you.

thats true, if you let it control you then you are helpless. but really i think VERY few if any people on this forum are letting crohns and other issues control their lives. just being on this site is a proactive approach to being IN control. there are people who do become controlled such things and that looks very different than anyone here i have seen. i think all you guys are pretty damn good at continuing on with life no matter what. just sayin.
and we all give in from time to time. we give in and let the sh*t of life control US for a moment, a day, a month or a few months. its IMPOSSIBLE to never lie down. its impossible to CONSTANTLY fight especially when we are fighting a futile battle. sometimes it is best and completely understandable if one just lies down and takes the beating with no complaint. really, it is a sad truth when that is your best option. it only matters that you eventually get back up to fight again.
just how i see it at least.

 

[Zalanicht]

<3

 

[Dexky]

Silver, sorry I missed this til now. I really meant what I said on fb. You are truly one of the bright spots on this planet. If you go dim for a little while, you'll be missed but we all know you are a loving, caring person who will be back. Take care of yourself for now. Though I could never offer the type of educated advice you often do, I will be sure to tell any and all newcomers to hold on cause we got some great people here who will be back soon. Take care.

 

[Busy]

Silver, your post hit me right where it should, in the heart. You are such a lovely caring person and, like so many others here, I thank goodness that you are part of this forum.

*Steps forward and walks beside Silvermoon and the others...*

 

[Dallies]

Silvermoon - a wonderful lady! Sending you a big hug :hug:

Thinking of you xx

 

[Silvermoon]

You guys are truly and amazing and magical group of people....

Thank you so much for all your words of caring, compassion, and hope. I have been "in the background", reading and watching and speaking up when I have felt I could...but I have been avoiding this thread, and not paying attention to it, as it was reminding me how crappy I felt... lol :redface: .

I took some time this weekend to do some meditating and spend some times with myself and my dogs. Taking from the words of MisB (thank you ((((((((( Beverly ))))))))))) )... I am choosing to do things one day at a time.... there are times of the day where it becomes one hour at a time...but it works.

Like Joan (Astra) said in her Thank You thread...wow...the response and feelings are overwhelming..... I am not totally over the funk yet, but it is lifting, and I have all of you to thank for that.

I am still here for you all...and if you need to chat, PM me and I will do that best I can for you...I am not always great at advise, but I am a pretty good listener.... lol

I am not a very religious person, but I have read the bible, and think it's a pretty cool story (this is NOT meant to offend ANYONE, so please, no comments on religion)... but one passage that has always stuck in my head and heart is this one: 1 Corinthians 13 - 13 :

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Thank you ...for the love.....