I fear it's affecting my marriage!

[Waytooskinny]

Hello all,
This is my first post so I will catch you up on my situation. Four years ago at the age of 25 I was diagnosed with CD. Three weeks later I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Now four years later my cancer is in remission, but my CD has a mind of it's own. I am down to 101lbs. And in pain everyday. Even though I have a wonderful husband and two great little kids, I silently feel like this is just too much for them to have to deal with. Although my husband is nothing but supportive, the multiple trips to the doctors, meds, hospital, and pain I experience, I just feel like it's not fair to him. So my question is.... Does anyone else feel like this? How do I get past these feelings? I'm becoming so depressed with my condition. Please help!

 

[Jessica]

Let me just start out by saying I'm not married. I have a boyfriend whom I started dating 6 mths before being dx'd. It's now been over 3 yrs for us being together, and 2.5 yrs being dx'd. He hates it when I appologize for not wanting to go out. Or having him go to the pharmacy for me. Or making something special for dinner for me. Or having to miss work for my appointments. He HATES it when I appologize.

We are big on reminding each other that WE are in this together. WE are dealing with the disease. I didn't cause the disease and I cannot control it. He knows this, and understands with great support. He helps me with anything I ask, and things that I don't. When I'm suffering, sometimes I feel like I overburden him. So, I stop asking for help and I do things on my own. I don't let him miss work, I drive myself.

He HATES this. He HATES when it gets me depressed. That's why he only talks to me about what's going on with me in the present. Sometimes we talk about the future and what could happen. But when he sees me worrying about it, he gets upset.

He always says don't let your disease live your life. I know it's easier to say than do. Trust me, I'm battling my own depression on this side of the keys. But being depressed isn't something that is going to help things out. No it's not fair to him, but it's not fair to you either. He knew when he "signed up" that things could go wrong.

He loves you and obviously will stand by your side when you need him. This is something that I can hope to keep getting from my man as time continues on. I envy your marriage. Your situation sucks. And I'm sorry. But you have what sounds like a wonderful support system.

<3 I wish you the best <3

 

[1969]

That sucks you have cancer. My father fought off cancer twice and my grandmother beat breast cancer. Your husband should be very understanding. If i were a girl and I were you I would make sure hes completley supporting you first and if he shows lack of care talk to him about this and/or have a "nice" night together. Goodluck.

 

[Waytooskinny]

Thank. You both so much. My husband is very supportive and has been for everything, but I just feel like a burden to him.

 

[Jessica]

Try not to. Remember that he loves you. And obviously you're worth it! You are very lucky to have him. But he must feel the same about you, as all of his support shows.
<3

 

[Jennifer]

Honestly I'd rather my loved one be well no matter what we have to go through. Tests, surgeries and meds are nothing when it comes to their health and their life. This is coming from someone who also has CD and other health conditions but who's lover also has medical problems.

 

[Joleen23]

I feel like a burden too, I've only been ill for about 6/7 months (crohns) and can't even imagin how hard it's been for you. Me and my fiance have been together for 4 years. Although he says it doesn't bother him and he loves me no matter what , i feel like it's not fair on him. His mother is very ill with MS and he spent his teenage years with his mum caring for her and i now worry that he may feel like he has to do the same for me. But he assures me that he doesn't think like that and he wants to be with me no matter what as he loves me.
Your not alone, we all have these feelings , i find that with depression it is something that does get better , talking to someone Defiantly helps (it helped me)
Really hope things improve for you

 

[Silvermoon]

Hi Skinny Welcome to the forum.

I was diagnosed with CD 24 years ago, and got married 12 years ago. the advantage of that situation is my husband was WELL aware of the situation before we got married. Although even doing the research himself, you are still not prepared for everything it may entail. Let me tell ya', I have really put him through the paces!! LOL!

I do understand how you are feeling though. I went through a really rough spot a few years ago, and even went so far as to have an affair - to test my husband's loyalty?? Maybe (I doubt it, but anyway...)....

Especially when one is depressed, it is hard to just "get over" the feelings you are having... they are real and valid to YOU at the time... and that is OK... and if you don't believe me, read Jessica's post again... and a few others around the forum that have had the same feelings.

No one ever wants to see their loved one in pain (as Crabby said). I think THAT would suck worse than being the "sick" one yourself. Almost any mother with a sick child will tell you "I'd rather it be me than my child"... and I am sure the feeling is the same when someone truly loves you....

It took some councelling on my part to get over the problems I had when I had my affair... and my hubby came to every appointment and supported me and talked witht he therapist himself to see what else he could do to help me. The biggest thing we learned was (as we have all heard many times before).... COMMUNICATION. However you have to get it accross to each other.... emailing...texting... talking face to face...or maybe a (gasp) pen and paper... get it out there and in the open.... reminding each other that just because one is feeling a particular way does not mean it is the fault of the other person, or that the other person can even DO anything about the feeling.... but at least if it is out there in the open, you understand what each is going through....

I hope you find the relief you need, both physically and mentally.....

Big squishy hugs.

 

[Mejay07]

I think many of us feel the same way. I have been with my husband for almost 7 years now, we just got married this year. I know he loves me, but I too feel like a burden most of the time, when I get really sick, I know he worries but I try not to show it to make him not worry, but he always knows when I am not feeling good. Even when i try my hardest he knows.
I have felt the feelings of depression creeping up many times, but like Jessica said "he always says don't let your disease live your life", I try to keep that in mind, but it is hard at times.
I try to focus on the good things in my life, like my daughter she is 8 months old and just started crawling, I think of her and it seems everything that is bad goes away even it if it is just for 10 mins.
If you can find the energy, you can do something small but sweet for your hubby, bake him his favorite dessert, or get him a movie or cd he has been wanting, and leave it with a little note telling him how much you love him and how much you appreciate all the support he provides to you. It will give you something else to focus on other than your disease and make you feel good because you are giving back to someone who has helped you out so much, even if is just something small, it can go a long way.

I hope you feel better soon

 

[fromthegut]

Hi.. wow.. I know your fear. I am not in a relationship but fear this will happen to me. I wonder what I would do if the table was turned. Also it is better that you "feel" like a burden than people who treat you like a burden. ( remember feelings aren't facts!) My older sister treats me like a burden. It is why I usually miss family gatherings. It is all about her. Ditto for my mother. She does the one upmanship. If someone else is sick she does says or acts that her situation is worse. She will however use my illness to get sympathy and attention for herself. What a pity.

My brother is different. He's more empathetic. If I heard him correctly he is taking a huge pay cut to be near family more often. ( He is married with 2 children) Where he is loving and encouraging the other women in my life are critical and self pitying. So sad!
I also think people put a lot of expectations on themselves. Even I have. The only responsibility I have is to myself. Easy to say hard to practice and believe.