I had an excrutiatingly bad day

[Dras]

oo:This morning, woke up, it's fathers day. So my brother, sister and i go to give my dad a gift and a card. As we are doing this, my mom busrts into tears. Turns out she walked in on him kissing his best friend's daughter. Note the age difference, she is 26, he is 47. She was 2 years old when my mom and dad got married. So my mom tells him that they can forget about the whole thing if he breaks up with his 26 year old mistress- to which he says no, cuz he "loves" her and doesnt know whether he wants his family or her. It was such a shock. i couldnt believe it, still cant. Then my dad packed his bags and left, and my mom tried to OD on pills. Luckily she is fine now. Went through all this, today, together with my colonoscopy prep for tomorrow.

It just breaks my heart that he cant decide whether to throw away everything he has worked for his whole life, his wife and kids, for a little whore who is going to run as fast as she can at the first sign of a grey hair. its been a really long, hard day, and i could really do with advice from someone who has had the same experience, cuz i dont know how to cope with all of this.

 

[D Bergy]

I am sorry you had such a terrible situation to deal with.

I am not trying to make it worse than it already is, but your father is my age, and he should have more maturity than to even be thinking about leaving his wife for a 26 year old, immature by age, women. The fact he is considering it, makes him more of the guilty party, than the woman. He certainly should know better, he has been around. He also should know the odds of this working out are close to zero, as you indicated.

She may be leading him on or whatever, but he should be smart enough not to fall into that trap also. If he is not, then he will have to learn the hard way, and unfortunately, everyone else will suffer for it also.

It is your problem by inheritance, but it is not your problem to solve, so take a step back from it and let it run its course. You do not have the ability to influence the outcome, so try not to get any more wrapped up in it, than you have to. It is first your fathers problem, and your mothers. Let them work it out, and do not become a go between.

Just my thoughts, and I really am sorry for this sad situation.

Dan

 

[MapleLeafGirl]

I haven't had the same experience, but I really feel for you. This must have been a horrible day for you. I will be thinking of you and hoping things improve. Good luck with the test tomorrow.

 

[Crohn's 35]

Dras, I am so sorry for your heartache. Your mom must be beside herself. The shock of actually witnessing it must of through her for a loop. I have seen this happen many a times, and the family or wife is always the last to know.

AS Dan says, you have to let it run it's course. Time heals and I know all about that and it is true. I admire Dan's words he gave to you, like my husband, he feels some men don't realize how much they had until they lose it. Most times too late.

You can be there for your mom, but you also have to look after yourself and that is crucial. I am sending hugs to you in hopes you don't suffer too much.

Good luck with your colonoscopy sweetie and let us know how it turns out. We are all here for you. Dont try to figure everything, just hang in there ok?

 

[Trysha]

Dras 195965

[Hello Dras,
So sorry to hear of the ordeal you have been facing today.
This looks like a midlife crisis which has to be worked out between your parents.
To hazard a guess I believe your dad will return to you when the affair fizzles as it will.
It will then be up to your mum if she takes him back.
It certainly would mean forgiveness all round.... but it is still up to your mum and dad.They will have to sort it out.
Lets hope for an early resolution.
Too bad you are going through all the colonoscopy prep at this time.
Hope it runs smoothly for you.
Best of luck with the colonoscopy tomorrow.
Do let us know how everything goes.
Hugs and prayers
annsplash

 

[DustyKat]

Oh Dras how heartbreaking for you and your family. I have not experienced this but you are in my thoughts and prayers and as Jetta said as hard as it is please look after yourself.

Keep in touch, we are here for you. ((((((HUGS)))))

Dusty.

 

[bethany84]

Oh god your poor thing! I'm so sorry to hear you are going through so much. I can't say I have been through this myself I'm afraid but I truely hope it all sorts itself out asap for all your sakes.

Also good luck for your colonoscopy tomorrow. Try not to get too stressed out by all that has gone on (nigh on impossible not to im sure!) or you may yourself unwell.

Big hugs

Bethany x

 

[Barbie]

Aww my god im so so so so so so sorry your having to go through this and what a day when you have to take all your prep too. I dont know what I can say other than I am thinking of you and take comfort in knowing you can come on here anytime you like to vent your feelings. It must be so confusing for you right now. Please be good to yourself. I hope your not suffering with the prep and really best wishes for your colonoscopy tommorow.

Thinking of you xx

 

[Guest]

Dras i am so sorry this is happening to your family.

i'm not sure how you'll take my viewpoint, but here goes - they're adults, all of them, and sometimes adults mess up. sadly, they don't consider the hurt that their mess is going to cause the people who love them and look up to them, nor the long-term damage to relationships outside of their own new one..

i think my advice to you would be to retain the friendship with both your parents, give support to whichever needs it from you at the time, and show that you can approach this as a strong adult, as well as a loving child of them both.

i know that might sound really difficult, but if you take the obvious route of despising your father (and his girlfriend) for what he's done, and is doing, and totally going on your mother's side, you've added to the split in the family... you don't know at this point what is going to happen, whether he'll end it with the girl and he & your mum will make a go of it, or if your parents will separate.. but either way, he is still your dad and ultimately the best thing for YOU is to keep a relationship with him as well as with your mum.

just my thoughts anyway - i know what it's like to not have a father any more because mine sadly passed away, and i miss him every single minute of every day. i also know from my own kids' suffering what having a father out there who has no contact with them, is like. we only get one dad, and they're precious, even if they f. up.

my heart goes out to you and your mum - i really hope you can both find a way to get through this harrowing time.

 

[Astra]

i know what it's like to not have a father any more because mine sadly passed away, and i miss him every single minute of every day. we only get one dad, and they're precious, even if they f. up.

Hi Dras

Just to echo the above too!

I'm sorry about this dreadful mess too, but like many have said, I think this might fizzle out, many men go thro mid life crisis stuff, and to be honest with you, and I don't mean this to sound bad, but you don't really know what's gone on 'behind closed doors' so to speak!
This is adult stuff, and I'm afraid it goes on in an adult world!
You just have to ride the storm and be there for both of them, don't bat for any one's side, listen, but don't comment, and that way nothing will come back on you in the future!
I wish you luck, be strong and be brave
xxxx

 

[Nyx]

I've been through this exact same scenario, except it happened to us on Easter. My dad and his wife will now be married 15 years this October. At the time, I was angry, sad, disappointed and wanted to hate both my dad and his then girlfriend. My parents had been married for 26 years and he just up and left. I agree with everyone else's advice. Stay out of it, and don't cut it off with your dad even if you're really upset and angry right now. That will change...whatever happens.

Good luck with the prep and the colonoscopy, and try to be strong for your mom, and yourself. Take care.

Edit: I forgot to add that my dad is 66 and his wife just turned 40 (same age as me).

 

[kenny]

I was 16 when my dad left his family for a 20 year old woman. I never blamed her and after a few years I managed to come to terms with him as well. This was almost 30 years ago so time really changes your perspective on things. I have actually become grateful to my Fathers Second Wife for being so kind and loving to him. His recent passing devastated her even more than the rest of us.

Looks Like a few of us here have experienced this and I hope that can help to show you that this does NOT make your family a messed up freak show.

 

[Entchen]

Dras, I am so sorry. Hugs to you.

 

[ameslouise]

Ditto all above. Let your parents handle it - it is their problem, even if it affects you and your siblings immensely.

You have your own fish to fry right now and stress will just aggravate your disease. Consider counseling if you need some help in handling it all.

It seems easy for us all to give advice, but I think we all sympathize and are so sorry you are going thru this painful ordeal. Time will heal and as Cindy and Kenny's stories show, there can be a happy ending, even if it does take many years.

-Amy

 

[Keona]

Dras, Im sorry too. Please take care of yourself and good luck tomorrow.
Wendy

 

[kello82]

so sorry hun =/

not been in that situation, but my parents are divorced so that feeling of broken family is familiar to me.

even if you hate everyone for their mistakes in this situation, make sure you keep loving yourself.

you are a wonderfully sweet and caring person, otherwise, we would not even be having this conversation right now.
remember to always see the good in yourself.

best of luck to you with your scope and such, and will be thinking of your family and your siblings too.

 

[kenny]

just a side note for people who might have gone or be going through this type of upheaval. I know I felt that it had to be some horrific problem associated with my family when my parents divorced. But it is not.

Slightly over 40 percent of all current marriages in the United States are 2nd and 3rd marriages. . . . . . . . In 1990, single parent households accounted for 23 percent of all Caucasian families, 33 percent of all Hispanic families, and 61 percent of all African American families.
http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/article/families

 

[katiesue1506]

I think divorce has always been a relatively normal feeling and subject for me because my parents have been divorced since I was a baby. I never knew anything different and when my friends would be going through it, I never quite understood why they were so upset... I just didn't think it was a big deal.

However, on the specific topic of cheating, my boyfriend and I just went through this a year and a half ago with his mom and his stepdad. He found out on Christmas Day that she was cheating on him when she told the other person on the phone that she loved them, and everyone from the family was there so he was like "umm... who's that?" It really upset all of us because my boyfriend's stepdad is such a great guy. I couldn't imagine hurting someone like that... and he's been a better dad to her kids than their real dad. It just sucked, and we all hated her for a while. I guess we just kinda got over it with time. Things are still awkward because she's no longer dating the other guy, and the stepdad still helps her with household projects and goes to dinner with everyone and the family.

Lesson here: people suck.

Things will get better with time though, and your dads new girl may find someone else more her age.

 

[Dexky]

Dras, take care of yourself right now. Let them work out their problems, you've got enough to deal with.

Let us know how the colonoscopy went.

 

[belle1999]

Oh, Dras! I am so sorry you are going through all this! Big hugs!!

 

[Crohn's 35]

Been on the end of both..it ain't pretty. Somehow time does heal all wounds.

 

[Dras]

Thanx a lot you guys, i value each and every one of your posts, and agree that i should stay out of it. The colonoscopy went great and im in remission. As for the situation with my parents: my dad came to his senses, he texted all of us saying what a big mistake he made etc etc. Now they are going away together for a few days to figure out what they are going to do. I just told my mom to follow her heart and do what's right for her and that my bro, sis and i will support her all the way. As for my dad, i have come to the conclution that all my life, no matter how badly i screwed up, he always forgave me and he deserves the same. But thats going to take time, and time heals all, like you said.

 

[D Bergy]

I am glad he thought it through.

Men have one major weakness, it is the attraction of a younger or even just a different women.

It is part of "the grass is always greener on the other side" thing. It takes quite a bit of will power to over come this instinct, but he appears to have done it, and not a minute too soon.

There is damage done on the trust side of things, and that is not going to go away for those involved in a short time.

Forgiveness heals the person doing the forgiving also, but as you said it going to take time.

I hope everything turns out OK in the end. It is off to a good, new start.

If you can stay in remission through this, not sure I could, I think you will do alright in the long run.

Dan

 

[Astra]

Hi Dras

happy things turned out ok, and even happier that you're in remission!!
look after yourself, YOU are now number one priority from now on!