I'm worried about my friend.

[Penelope]

Hello, I'm new to the forum. I joined because I'm concerned about my friend. He's been absent from school for two weeks. (we're both graduate students) I don't really know for sure what he has, but for awhile now I've been thinking it's probably crohn's or something similar. He's never mentioned it by name, but what does tend to come up in conversation is his unusually restrictive diet. He can't eat starch or complex sugars. He doesn't eat refined sugar either. He's also made allusions to having a chronic illness, and joked about wanting an office near the bathroom, because "I do that a lot."

I think right now he is at home and having a flare up. I've talked to his roommate about how he's doing, but he doesn't really know when he'll come back to school. I feel worried because I really don't know anything about this disease, and I can't imagine what he's going through. I want to be able to do something to help him, but I really don't know what to do. I've been sending him a couple e-mails and facebook messages asking if there's anything I could do, but for the most part he's been ignoring them even though he's not the type to ignore people. He only replied when I asked if he wanted any of us to visit him, and he said no.

I'd like to hear from people on the forum about what your friends and loved ones do to help you when you are suffering. Do you just like to be left alone? Do people with good intentions ever make things worse for you? I've heard that depression is pretty common. What tends to work to cheer you up?

Do you tend to tell your friends about what you're going through? Or do you not want people to know?

 

[MADiMarc]

Well, he's a guy. Guys don't tend to share like women do.
You have held out the invitation, he has not taken you up on it. Offer to lend him your notes or to make copies for him but then I would back off and let him make the next move.
As for letting people know, I have no problem with it. Even when I was in my early 20s if people asked, I told them. Not everyone is as comfortable with that.
I know you are worried about your friend, but if it were me, I would respect his space.
Good luck,
Michele

 

[Jer's Girl]

Penelope- You sound like such a good friend! i know it must be hard to be on the other side of this disease too.

I'd say send him an e-mail that says something like:

"Hi buddy. I am going to respect your wishes and let you deal with whatever you are going through on your own, but I just wanted you to know that I am always here if you want to talk. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. I miss you and I care about you. I hope you are alright."

Then it kind of leaves it up to him if he wants to let you in or not. Don't let your feelings get hurt if he isn't ready to talk about it. knowing that someone cares about him will help, even if he is too embarrassed or depressed to respond. Thanks for being a caring friend!

 

[Miss Underestimated]

I agree, give him his space, just let him know you're still there. Don't take it personally. When I first came home from the hospital, everyone came to see me, some even brought candy and stuff to eat. Little did they know I was sitting there being very still so I wouldn't have an accident right there with everyone sitting in the living room, watching.

I knew they cared and wanted to help, but I wanted to tell them the most helpful thing they could do was leave me alone until I felt like being around people.

Maybe little emails that just keep in touch, and don't even require an answer would be nice.

 

[Keona]

I agree - just send him emails to let him know you are there. Things like "just thinking of you..."
or "let me know if there is anything I can do for you.. "
I am sure he is very grateful for your friendship - it is just really difficult to express that right now. I am sure he will when he is feeling better. When he is feeling better, you can ask him if there is anything you can do when he is like that. It may open the dialogue to let him know you wont judge if he does tell you. Crohn's Disease is called the "embarrassing disease" for a reason.... it may be embarrassment and it may be pain or a combination of both...just don't bring it up when there are a lot of people around.

You are a great friend Penelope! I am sure he appreciates you- just difficult to show you right now.
Wendy

 

[rygon]

you could just ask him direct whats the matter with him?

Or ask if hes got any good poo stories, I reckon all crohnnies have a funny/embarrassing poo story

 

[Keona]

ROFLOL rygon
(are you in Grimsby, Ontario???)

 

[rygon]

nope, uk. didnt know there was another Grimsby

 

[Crohn's 35]

Hi Penelope! (my legal name is the same lol) As Michelle says guys are very embarrassed and are deathly afraid they will be found out. My husband when he has a cold or flu, feels to just be left alone. But he could be afraid of losing friends because of this disease. It is very debilitating and painful and extremely unpredictable. Some of us have lost friends along the way because it is hard to plan things. If you could tell him what ever is wrong it doesnt matter because "I am not going anywhere and will always be your friend" tell me because holding it in is stress and stress is a culprit for this disease. He may then open up ,but if he doesnt it could just be his way of dealing with it. You are a good friend, educate yourself to understand if he does have some sort of IBD. What country are you in?

 

[margie]

I agree with everyone here. I, myself, with the exception of the support here in the forum, really want to be left alone a lot of the time. I don't like people seeing me when I am very ill like I am right now. Please don't take offense to your friend not responding, he just is not in a place that he wants to be in right now, and probably feels the same as I do in wanting to just be left alone.

I don't know what I would do, without all of the friends that I have made here in the forum. Without having a place to come to and feel free to talk to about all of this would be so hard for me.

All you can do for your friend is be there for him when he does feel better and wants to talk to you again. He has a true friend in you.

Margie

 

[Penelope]

Thanks a lot everyone. I made him a really epic get well card (think lots and lots of glitter glue), and tomorrow I'm going to get everyone at school to sign it. I'll have his roommate give it to him. Even if we can't visit him, he'll know that we care.

 

[MissMacabre]

I know when I'm ill the only think I want is to be left alone and for everyone to pretend like nothings wrong ( I still get embarresed and stressed over it easily and the more I fret the more ill i become) If there not ready to tell you whats wrong yet I wouldnt push the matter, just let them know youre there for when they are ready.
And I hate people knowing lol ever since i was diagnosed the only people that know are my bf and my parents, I lost a ex bf and friends over them not wanting too/being able to deal with me being in hospital so im VERY unwilling to let people know now,
I hope your friend feels better soon