Intimacy issues

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Marcy

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Feb 11, 2012
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intimacy issues

:shifty-t:

Ok so here it is...

For the past 8 months hubby and I are less in the bedroom.
Admittedly most of the time it is on my part because I am already hurting,tired,and just downright feeling undesirable. Are their any other women out there that have this problem?

My husband is VERY understanding and we manage to find other ways to be close but I really miss the great sex..sorry but I do. I have tried a hot bath before hand to relax even tried muscle relaxers to try and calm my belly. Nothing seems to help. Any advice would be great.

Valentines Day is tomorrow and I planned a nice evening just the two of us,but I know in the end we will both be let down in this area. :rosette2:
Although I know hubby supports me on this horrible journey I sometimes feel he is missing out on a so called normal marital relationship.I hate being the one who always says no or not now. And sometimes I Am so afraid of having an accident during. :yfrown:
 
Hugs Marcy! We've ALL been there... TRUST ME!!! Unfortunately, I don't have any magic words of wisdom... this is just another part of IBD that sucks!

Cheers!
 
I think there's a whole mental side of crohn's that not a lot of people really talk about. I find myself having a lot of body issues, and generally not feeling very sexual when I'm dealing with health issues. So much of maintaining your physical health means maintaining your mental health and by that, having stress and anxiety are what we all have to avoid to keep ourselves in the best health.

I have found if I talked to my husband about this sort of a thing, it was a lot easier than just trying to hold all of it end and act like nothing was wrong. It was a lot easier for him to understand that I wasn't rejecting him because I wasn't feeling like having sex, but it was because I had health issues which really didn't make me want to be intimate at that time. It's not a bruise to an ego if someone really knows what's going on in your life. Guys can be so weird about thinking they aren't wanted just because you aren't feeling exactly free at the time.

It takes a lot of bravery to even bring up a topic like this, so thank you for addressing this subject! I think a lot of us go through this, and it's a good thing to always know you are not alone.
 
Thanks Cupcake
I was wondering if I should have even posted this but in the long run I am glad I did.
You are so right, not only does this disease take us to places unknown,but it can trigger so much anxiety in other areas of our lives. I am usually not one to bring these kinds of things into the light (so to speak) but lately I seem to realize just how much my own intimate life has gone awry.

I just hope there are other woman out there on the forum that will take the time to stop in on this thread and talk about their personal thoughts on the whole matter. Every one of us need support in the everyday realm of things and I think as women and sexual beings we need a place to vent or even advise.

What is that old saying? We are an Army of women hear us roar? lol.. Something to that effect anyway.lol.. One other thing I would like to add is the importance of a females yearly procedures along with out CD appointments these must be kept current to prevent an unwanted medical fiasco .I hope all woman young and old,single or married,or with a significant other is doing self breast exams..Check those ta ta's gals it could be a life saver.

So hopefully many more will come to this thread and explore and most of all feel comfortable enough to share their advice,experience, and we all know there may be some funny stories in there as well. After all we are women ..
Warm Regards
 
Oh I am so happy to see this post. I'm having the same thing in the bedroom and I hate it. I hate seeing my husband thinks its him, I hate being in pain and tensing up when we do stuff now, I hate the fact that I have a horrible body image after losing all this weight.
I'm currently on Humira, 10 weeks now, and am hoping that remission comes sooner than later so I can get back to my life and my husband. He's been horribly patient, but I don't know what else to do.
 
I had a fear when I first started dating my husband that he was going to be very upset with me going through a flare up, and find a reason to break up with me. I had no interest in sex when I was starting to get sick. When I did finally end up in the hospital, I remember we had a talk about what was going on and I was shocked to see how he wasn't like a lot of jerks I had dated in the past who really didn't have my best interests in mind, only their own.

It takes a very special person to be a partner to someone going through chronic illness of any kind. I think that I've gotten a new understanding of what relationships really should be about through going in and out of remission. If you can't talk to the person about what's going on with your health, or they are not concerned enough to educate themselves about the state of your health, that really says something about who they really are as a person.

As crazy as it sounds, not all guys are horrible and the really great ones are the understanding ones. I used to think only women had body issues. Not true at all! I know just as many men who spend time working out trying to beat middle age weight gain, buying skin care products promising a younger look and researching hair plugs online as I know women who are concerned about their appearance!
 
I have had some of the same problems with my fiance! I am so relieved to read a post like this.
Before my surgery the pain was just too much to handle and I could rarely stand sex. When I did do it, I found myself wincing in pain and waiting for it to end. After my surgery things got a little better, but I still have to plan ahead when it comes to sex. I've found that doing it in the morning is the best time for me, before any food goes in. (No accidents). Once I eat Im done for, so it has to be before that. I can't enjoy myself if Im worried the whole time about my stomach and its reactions... I think we all know what Im saying here. Anyway, its good to know Im not the only one. I have a wonderful fiance, who has supported me through it all, surgery, recovery, colonoscopys, different medicinces, pain, the whole thing. But it isnt easy.
 
These posts are so wonderful, warm and inspiring. My hats off to all of you for being so open and supportive. The only thing I would add is that for myself, I've found that if I'm not in pain, but am worried about other issues, like unintended musical accompaniment, etc., a sense of humor is a great ingredient as well.

Everybody has things about his/her body that make them uncomfortable at times and if you are talking about it, snuggling, and feeling good about your relationship/communication, then being able to giggle about the imperfect "stuff," really helps and brings you even closer.

Laughter is still the best medicine! http://www.crohnsforum.com/images/smilies/soledance.gif
 
Marcy, I have this problem too and I can honestly say if you're able to relax a bit it helps alot. If you're anxious about it ahead of time it sets off the gut issues IME.

Also not to get graphic, but if you experiment with different positions you might find you are more comfortable (preferably one that doesn't press on the tummy). I agree with the poster above that mentioned morning is better or not eating prior to sex.

And I know it's mentioned several times before but cuddling and affection are VERY important, just feeling close physically and mentally, and remember to keep your sense of humor Girl.

Best wishes to you! ;)
 
Holy crap! I just started seeing my Psychologist again because I'm having issues. I'm on 6-mp and I don't even like being touched "down there." I can only describe it as hypersensitive. My boyfriend is understanding but I can't get past feeling gross and creeped out by the feeling of having sex. I don't know if it's just inflammation or if it's also a drug side effect. I did not have this problem before I started the drug about a year-and-a-half ago. Ugh! I cannot thank you all enough for bringing this issue up.
 
Hi, Head above Water, Keep on treading and don't be too hard on yourself! You have a lot to deal with between your physical health, your meds, and how both of those may be affecting your emotions, and intimacy. I can totally sympathize! I had 3 big abdominal surgeries (2 resection, 2 reproductive/bladder prolapse) in the past 10 years and I'm wondering if perhaps due to your health or your meds your hormone levels are out of wack? That happened to me after each of my surgeries because the trauma of surgery made my ovaries shut down for several months (1 time it was a year). My estrogen, etc., were so low that my libido was non-existent and as you mentioned, intimacy kind of "grossed me out" til my levels came back. Sometimes if our bodies are going through a lot, our hormones can go a little off the path, which would affect libido and moods significantly.

You may want to have your regular MD do blood tests for that and perhaps some form of natural or chemical hormone replacement might help? My husband I've known since 19, (I'm 51 now) has always been my best friend and so we've gone the journey together and we've worked through it all. You know, even a very healthy partner may not always be that due to a routine surgery or acute situation. My husband had the misfortune of aggressive prostate cancer at the young age of 51, robotic surgery, and had his own journey to make his way back to normal intimacy again as well. He's healthy and doing well, thankfully. Every day is a new slate for everyone.

Crohns takes so much of our time and effort. Just remember to keep the rest of yourself in good health: rest, healthy food, some walking, yoga, singing, or whatever works for you, and have your doc keep tabs on your hormone situation over the years, so that other issues don't bring you down any further than your Crohn's challenges. I like your ID. It shows strength and optimism. Hugs to you!
 
I totally agree with Irishtarheel,

I had to have surgical hysterectomy when I was 35 and was devastated a week later. I knew the gyn told me my hormones would gradually need to be replaced but OMGosh, my first hot flash was like something out of Armageddon..I felt horrible. I dealt with it for 6 months until my husband pointed out that it had been as long for us intimately ... I realized (sadly) I have no interest in it at all, and I didn't even miss it..So yes I think a blood test is in order for you as well to see how much you are producing naturally. They also now have creams you can use down there that are hormone based if you don't want to add yet another pill to your regimen.. Best off luck to you. Keep us gals posted
 
Thank you so much Irishtarheel and Marcy! Your messages made me tear up a little. I will talk to my doctor about this. In fact, I will make an appointment today! You are the best!
 
Head_above_water,

You are very welcome and please don't hesitate to message me in private message if you want to vent or need information. I am now a stay at home Mom and Home school my son so I am always here. I am so glad you are taking a first step in talking to your doctor.

Once in awhile woman are more in tune with our emotions and feelings but I swear with having CD I never know if I am coming or going. lol.. I know where I am heading to the nearest bathroom.lol.. Give yourself a break from everything for at least 30 minutes a day. I have found even if I just sit quietly or try to tune out everything outside of "my space" I can deal with things more readily. I would sometimes like to be back to a time when my biggest decision of the week was if I should shave or wax..I chose shaving because it isn't as painful lol..

Another thing I have come to realize for me humor is the best medicine. So in turn I make jokes about the way I feel on those yucky days. If I can't laugh about it then I try to just move on to something less demanding. I feel some days as low as dirt but i know I am the only one who can lift myself up,brush off that dirt and find something I CAN do.. Sometimes we all need a bit of help and I hope your doctor can give you the help you need to at least feel better about everything.
Warm regards and best of luck to you
 
A Good Step Forward, Head above Water!

Best of luck with the doc visit! And remember to do a little something each day that makes you feel good and brings a smile to your face. It can be as small as playing your favorite song or sitting outside with your dogs. Just embrace small moments to help you with the bigger hurdles... Let us know if you find out anything helpful! :)
 
hello ladies.
What a releif to see this on "paper" and being talked about. Lack of intimacy has been one of the major problems for me and my fiance over the past few months.

I do not as of yet have a diagnosis of crohns.

I have had a previous relationship where stomach issues put a huge strain on us. He was not understanding at all. Needless to say it didnt last. But when i met my fiance, i was relativly healthy. I was ok for a good year or so, with not much more than embaressing smells from the bathroom to have to brush over. But then i got very poorly indeed last summer, resulting in surgeries for an abscess.

How are we still together? I dont have a straight answer to that. He gets back in a couple of days after a few weeks away seeing his family. essentially hes having a break from me and our current situation. Hes coming back to me, but i often wonder if he should.

i think communication is key. There are/were some really dark times when we would be too scared to say what we were thinking. My own head screams at me that a lack of sex life signals something wrong in my relationships. I know theres more to it than that, but sex is up there on the list, i cant deny. but to suddenly find myself constantly turning him away is hard, on both of us. he has his own insecurities too, and my heart broke one day when he simply said "i miss hugging you."

I realised that although yes there was a long period of time where getting into bed was tramatic enough, and yes id be in all over agony and he would have to cuddle up to me, that i found myself not wanting intimacy of any kind. I started to get better physically (very gradually) but i would snap at hime if he were to try and hug me in the kitchen for instance.Yes, sometimes it for was good reason - id have a boiling hot pan in my hand, or in the middle of trying not to burn something. But in my head, i was on SUCH a mission to just keep going with what ever task i was doing, as i knew my energy levels would soon drop and i had to just get even simple things done so that i could feel like id acheived something for the day.

I didnt realise how long id been doing this for. Time after time, just straight out rejecting intimacy, and this was even before we got to the bedroom. :(


we've come a long way. Its taken a lot of experienting. we've tried planning ahead. But it rarley works as i panic and feel pressureed, or too sore by the time we get to it. I think now iv found a comfortable washing routine, (especialy as i have bladder issues as well) so i feel a bit more confident now about spontinuity. I think the thing that has gotten us through the most however was trying to find other ways of doing intimate things that dont neccecarily include full sex (if you catch my drift.) Sometimes its even dare i say - great. I personally feel like a naughty teenager again. Bringing back excitement to the little things.

hats off to my partner for sticking by me. we've been texting a lot since hes been away. Hes coming back. for more me. :) it hasnt been easy. i doubt it will be plain sailing just yet either. But i have to remind myself sometimes that he still wants affection. he wants the cheeky kisses. he knows my issues and he loves me reguardless. he's "put up with me" for so long already. im looking forward to getting back on track and i hope soon, make up for lost time. I managed to get past the mental aspect of it. and have found myself frustrated. which means im half way there i know!


thanks for bringing this up.


bb
 
Being able to talk about these things with our partners is so important. Unfortunately my husband died some years ago, but I needed to be confident that, if we are just "having a cuddle" and if that is all that I could cope with at the time, there was not going to pressure put on to go further. Otherwise I was likely back off from even a cuddle next time.

And you're right, bb, it's important to explore other ways of sexual fulfilment. Buy a copy of the Kama Sutra (we all had one in the 1960s - yes, I'm almost 70!) and work your way through the appropriate sections.;)
 
babyblues,

Sadly I have been in your shoes and even now on new medication and a higher dose of hormones I still have the yuck days when I know my hubby wants to be intimate and I am like Seriously today? lol..

For me I have found humor about it to be helpful. I know when he starts his little hinting I tell him,"no shower yet just in case I have an accident" lol Then he will usually say okee dokee.. (we have been together for 20 plus years) so he has an idea by now. When we met I was healthy and very interested in sex. Admittedly we were alot younger and had tons more energy. lol. I had to admit to myself I missed just the cuddling and not the sex. It's hard to plan anything for us even with our 3 boys being grown. It can be as simple as I just don't feel like it.

I agree with Susan2. Kama Sutra is an awesome way to find positions that don't put pressure on areas that cause us pain or accidents. Luckily my obgyn suggested it and with the use of ben wa balls to strengthen my kegal muscle to restrict urine flow I have been amazed at the difference. Even my hubby says the intensity of my kegal muscle is a nice change..lol..He's a goofy one, but I love it.

Bb When your fiance' comes home and everything is settled in, just breath and remember why you fell in love with him to begin with. Take a deep breath and remember nothing is unfix-able. The one thing I have done is when I began having problems I couldn't bring myself to just straight up tell my husband how I felt. So....I began by sending him a very long email..You would think for all we had been through I could just tell him. I was so embarrassed not to mention the fear of an accident left me feel very unappealing very unsexual. These are hard things as a woman to over come. The amazing thing was after 2 days and him not saying he got my email, he came home with daisies from the field by his work with a letter . It simply said, "You could be 500 pounds,bald, and I would still love you." Of course I cried and it was never mentioned again. I kept several of those daisies and when I feel at my lowest I take out the book and look at them and the little note he gave me.. SO I guess what I am trying to say is before he comes home from his family visit, sit down and write him a letter, tell him what you feel in your heart, and then take your journey from there. There are so many ways we as woman can reignite our relationships. We just have to be honest with ourselves and our partners, and most of all let it be known how we feel in our hearts.

Best wishes and warm regards
 
sniff, sniff, Wow, Marcy...just beautiful!

Marcy, BB, and Susan, What touching thoughts. I could not agree more with all of you. And being one who prefers to write about more personal things in depth, I have always loved writing letters, especially to those I love dearly. It's a powerful thing. Your story was so moving, Marcy. I am very happy for all you. When I'm not feeling great about something, I usually think of that silly movie with Bill Murray, "What about Bob?" and the idea of Baby Steps. Taking them is all you need to do, if you are heading in the right direction. Hugs to all. You are tremendously strong and I feel incredibly lucky to "know" you.
 
OMGosh I love that movie "what About Bob" simply put we all have our days full of baby steps whether or not we realize it. And I too am so grateful to "know all of you here as well. I have coffee with y'all from time to time and it does my soul good knowing I am not alone in this journey. Thank each and every one of you.:soledance:
 
Hi Ladies! Thank you all for sharing your stories. I really feel for all of you as I have been in the same boat and never felt like I had anyone I could talk to that really understood. My husband (my husband now, we had been dating a year when I was diagnosed with CD) and I used to have a lot of issues before I started opening up about what was really going on. He thought I just didn't want to be intimate with him because I wasn't explaining to him all of the issues I was dealing with; including my own insecurities. The more I opened up, the better he was able to understand what was going and he's been so supportive. The last few months have been particularly difficult. Starting in January I started having a lot of pain due to a stricture and two fistulas. I'm now 11 days post-op. My post-op instructions say that you can be intimate once the incisions no longer hurt. My incisions don't really hurt, however I can't imagine being intimate anytime soon. For one I hate the way my body looks right now (the incisions are still scabbed over and my abdomen just looks horrible) and I just get very uncomfortable when he tries to touch me at all right now. I know that this will probably get better over the next few weeks; it's just hard to see it now. I truly appreciate all of your stories as it does make me feel better knowing that there are others out there with the same issues. Thank you all so much!
 
Heather_D

It is quite understandable the way you are feeling right now. Your body,physically and mentally has just come through a traumatic surgery. I know for me personally I have told my husband in the past until I feel like cleaning house sex is OUT... lol Thankfully he is a trooper and the humor kind of makes things a bit more bearable for me. I always am up for he and I to snuggle sometimes I give him a mild back rub with lotion just so he is assured I am thankful he is understanding through the healing process.Plus it is a bit of quiet time for us to catch up on each others day.
Hang in there and a speedy recovery. And welcome to this thread :) I hope your appointment goes well and please keep us updated. And remember we are not alone there is someone here who has been where you are ,where you have been, and where you are heading. Have a great day
 
Hi Marcy! Thank you so much. My husband really is great. I have told him more than once that I don't know if I would be as great if the roles were reversed, he's just naturally more nutruing than I. We do snuggle a lot (not so much the last week or so since sleeping is still a little uncomfortable, but it gets better everyday). Hopefully once I'm recovered from the surgery things will actually be better than before (since I should be in remission). I do try to do nice things for him to show how much I appreciate everything he does for me. We are really great friends as well as husband and wife; which I also think helps. We enjoy doing other things together; even when we can't necessary have sex. Hoping I'll feel better in a couple of weeks for his birthday, ;) but I know he will be understanding even if I'm not up to it yet. Thanks Again! Hope you also have a great day and I look forward to everyone's updates! :)
 
Marcy said:
:shifty-t:

Ok so here it is...

For the past 8 months hubby and I are less in the bedroom.
Admittedly most of the time it is on my part because I am already hurting,tired,and just downright feeling undesirable. Are their any other women out there that have this problem?

My husband is VERY understanding and we manage to find other ways to be close but I really miss the great sex..sorry but I do. I have tried a hot bath before hand to relax even tried muscle relaxers to try and calm my belly. Nothing seems to help. Any advice would be great.

Valentines Day is tomorrow and I planned a nice evening just the two of us,but I know in the end we will both be let down in this area. :rosette2:
Although I know hubby supports me on this horrible journey I sometimes feel he is missing out on a so called normal marital relationship.I hate being the one who always says no or not now. And sometimes I Am so afraid of having an accident during. :yfrown:
Click to expand...

Don`t feel bad, my husband is NOT that understanding but that's another story, lol. I have the same problem hun. I feel tired cranky. I never have any energy anyway, I think he is getting tired of it. We will be married 6 years in June. I feel like I might have an "accident" during sex, also it just hurts & i dnt feel sexy :( I've taken Bentyl before to calm my tummy so the rest of me can be normal, but I do feel like he deserves to be with someone that's not sick & doesn't ever want to go anywhere or do anything. Thanks for this post. Now i know i`m not the only one :) You are lucky to have the support of ur hubby. This forum is all the support I have at this time. Not having a Pity Party, just venting sry :redface:
 
Kendra,

Like you I turn to the forums even though I have support of my husband.
Sometimes I find for me that knowing and reading the posts here I am not alone and I am not going to loose my mind over all of this. Keep your chin up (as am I) and tomorrow will be a better day
 
I also turn to the boards as I know the people here understand. My husband is very supportive, but can never truly understand what I'm going through. I find comfort in knowing I'm not alone in all of this. Like Marcy said, keep your chin up and tomorrow will be a better day. I find staying positive is one of the best things I can do for my overall health! :)
 
Aaah, I just created a new post on this topic! Should have looked around more before writing, I guess. I'm in the same boat. I feel like a monster. I miss my old life so much.

Really hoping we all get better soon.
-Em
 
I have similar issues. I also have pretty low self-image, especially since the prednizone has made me gain so much weight. Somehow my husband has put up with me and loves me anyway. Even knowing this, intimacy is hard. Most of the time I would rather not but I feel bad because I feel like I should get into it more. I feel like he deserves better.

DH and I have been together for 8 years, married for almost 6. His mom has Lupus and growing up he watched his Dad cook dinner when his mom was sick, help with homework, do all the cleaning and go to work every day. He confessed to me that he used to think that there was no way that he would ever be with someone who had a chronic disease because of how hard it was on his mom and dad. I was in remission when we met and controlled my symptoms pretty well with diet for many years. During my first pregnancy I had a flare-up which eventually led to a resection and he was there for every part of it. He constantly reassures me he is not going anywhere and there is nowhere he would rather be. He told me he has gained so much respect and love for me over the years for how hard I fight to stay healthy and still take care of everyone in the family. Despite all of this I don't understand it and try not to think of it too much or I get really insecure.

We have had our ups and downs in the intimacy department, but we are best friends and love being together. Intimacy is only a part of our relationship. If I step back I think that most couples have things to deal with, for whatever reason. We talk and that has helped a lot. I reassure him that it is just because of how I'm feeling, that it is not him, he reassures me that he is understanding and is not going anywhere. We work on solutions together. We compromise. We are patient with each other. It takes a lot of effort, but in the end I don't think it is any easier for anyone else. Other couples have other challenges. Hope this helps.
 
sararay

You are so right on so many levels of your post.
Fortunately some us have strong internal emotions when it not only comes to having a chronic illness, but for the ones we love as well.

With that being said, I think (as you stated) every relationship has good days and bad. Sometimes when I feel at my worst I have to reflect on many things. One being my family and marriage. Then I have to prioritize everything else. Some days I do pretty well with it, then there are those days where I miss the closeness and seem to crave it. I think my hardest emotion is wanting more when I know I my body says no. I once told my husband I feel as if someone jerked my feet right out from under me without warning. His reply?.... "You have a hard time coping because you know you have no control!!" WOW talk about being shoved into reality. All of these years just "dealing" with CD and it took 20 years of marriage and my best friend to tell make me see I am a control freak and it makes me feel even worse when I am flaring because I have NO control over the when ,why,and how long." Now mind you I Am not saying I am one of those gals that have to be in the head of everything compete for leadership, or be the go to person when something needs accomplished like most controlling people. But my personal comfort levels require to me know anything and everything I can about the medications,symptoms,and treatments of any illness I myself or family have. I have just always thought knowledge is power. It means nothing seemingly with CD ..

Now that I have got off base I think the most important thing we as women can do for ourselves is try to improve our view of ourselves. We are creatures of habit. We crave emotions that sometimes can't be fulfilled in one or two hours a lifetime. So to speak. I have found if I try to take just a little bit of time each day to do something small for myself,or even find one little thing I like about myself that day, I sure feel a little better about whatever other issues I Am having at the moment.

I hope ya all have wonderful Day.Best wishes on your journey
 
Hi all

Glad I have seen this post.

Sometimes I feel when we have sex & its going in (sorry for the wording) that something is pushing the inside of my bottom out & I think I will have an accident which is very off putting.

Who would be a woman eh! :wub:
 
Haha, Marcy, my husband says I'm a control freak too. I think I am similar to what you describe of yourself, not really wanting to be the boss or anything but doing what I can to get the best outcome. :) I am slowly learning that maybe none of what I do really matters in the long run with CD, but I try anyway. At least I can say I tried. Sorry if it is a little off-topic. :)
 

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