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What did the inflatable teacher, say to the inflatable boy who had just stuck a pin into the inflatable school?
You have let me down, yourself down and the whole school down!
 
President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"

Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"

Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Obama:
“Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier:
"I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama:
"I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for Michelle for Valentine’s Day"

Cashier:
"Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.”

“Another time, Andre Agassi came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where as the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.

So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"

Obama:
Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don’t have a clue.”

Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?
 
A man comes home and finds his best friend in bed with his wife."You b*stard" he shouts "I've known you since school,you were my bestman and my sons godfather,I lent you money ................. Stop DOING that when I'm talking to you !!!"
 
As a woman grows older,she starts to suspect that nature is plotting against her for the benefit of doctors,dentists and moisturiser magnates.
 
A brave knight has to go off to fight in the crusades and has to leave his very sexy wife at home.
As he can't trust his wife to be left on her own he fits her with a special chastity belt made from razor blades.
On his victorious return he lines up all the male staff,and makes them drop their trousers.
He is greeted by a whole line of shredded todgers apart from one.
"I trusted you,and unlike all the others you have not betrayed my trust,in return I shall give you half my land"

To which the man replies

"Ugg ou gery muk"
 
From the day of their wedding she had been nagging him about his past.
"Come on,tell me"she begged "How many women have you slept with"?
"Honey" he said "If I tell you you'll just get angry."
"No.I promise I won't" she said.
"Okay" he said reluctantly " 1,2,3,4,5,you,6,7,..........
 
She was looking for a husband so she put an ad.in the Lonely Hearts column.

She got fifty replies saying "You can have mine."
**********
Any woman who strives to be equal to a man has a poor self image.
***********
What is the thinnest book in the world ?

Everything Men Know About Women.
 
Stu is taking his driving test.The examiner says "When I tap the dashboard I want you to show me what action you'd take if a child ran out in front of the car".
When he taps the dashboard,Stu screeches to a halt,winds down the window and yells,

"Get out of the way you little b*st*rd"!!!!
 
To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
 
A survey was just completed where 100 women were asked what their favorite shampoo was.

The top response was "How the hell did you get in here?"
 
Morris is on his deathbed. He asked his nurse to be a witness to his will.


His wife, his daughter and two sons are at his bedside.


"So", he says to them:


"Bobby, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses..."


"Tammy, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza ..."


"Steve, I want you to take the offices over in City Center ..."


"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."


The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says,


"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property".


Sarah replies, "Property? The asshole had a paper round!"
 
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds' off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds' think about sex every ten seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' Were bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some ***hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.....

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10:00am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.... We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however..... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push-ups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too..... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave or to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those terrorists..... The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million hacked off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50.... in menopause! You think MEN have attitudes? Oh my goodness!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
 
The king of Jordan visits London and is invited to dinner with the Queen.
The servants bring out the first course and start dishing it up.
"No soup for me" says the King of Jordan "It makes me fart".
Silence falls over the room,everyone is horrified.
"What's the matter with you all ?" asks the King patting his belly
"Don't you think I'm fart enough already ?"
 
The deaf mute needed condoms and nervously approached the pharmacist.
He opened his fly,put his penis on the counter,pointed to it and laid a $10 bill beside it.
With an understanding nod the pharmacist took his penis out,laid it beside the other mans, grinned in triumph, grabbed the money,and walked away.
 
Daisy G said:
How to Shower Like a Woman...
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Complain because your husband had been eating your gingernut and jaffa cake body wash.
11. Rinse conditioner off hair.
12. Shave armpits and legs.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower onto a floor towel. Dry with a towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
16. Hang floor towel on side of tub.
17. Check entire body for zits, tweeze unwanted hairs.
18. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
19. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man...
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your
butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Eat some of that ginger snack thing.
13. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
14. Pee.
15. Rinse off and get out of shower. (What's a floor towel?)
16. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
17. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
18. Leave shower curtain open, water on floor, light and fan on.
19. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, flash her again.
20. Throw wet towel on bed.
Click to expand...


thanks Daisy G that really made me laugh with tears rolling down my face .
 
Daisy G said:
How to Shower Like a Woman...
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Complain because your husband had been eating your gingernut and jaffa cake body wash.
11. Rinse conditioner off hair.
12. Shave armpits and legs.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower onto a floor towel. Dry with a towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
16. Hang floor towel on side of tub.
17. Check entire body for zits, tweeze unwanted hairs.
18. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
19. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man...
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your
butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Eat some of that ginger snack thing.
13. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
14. Pee.
15. Rinse off and get out of shower. (What's a floor towel?)
16. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
17. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
18. Leave shower curtain open, water on floor, light and fan on.
19. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, flash her again.
20. Throw wet towel on bed.
Click to expand...
I'm not like that at all....

I don't like the ginger snack thing. Maybe they make a bacon flavored one?
 
A woman is lying in the road after being run over.The driver of the vehicle that knocked her down comes to her help."Are you all right love" he asks
"You're just a blur" she says "So my sight is clearly affected".
Very concerned the young man leans over her to test her eyesight and asks"How many fingers have I got up?"
"Oh,sh*t" she replies "I must be paralysed from the waist down as well".
 
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don?t understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don?t have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don?t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea. I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
 
Why did the dyslexic man walk into a bra?

Because his wife left her laundry out hanging in the garden. Admittedly, the mans dyslexia doesn't actually affect the outcome of this scenario and I'm not even sure why I mentioned it in the first place.
 
A visibly exhausted and distressed man walks into a bar and orders a strong drink. "Long day?" the bartender asks

"No, all days are 24 hours long," the man replies, amazed at how uneducated the bartender is.
 
It took the ditzy blonde quite a while to figure out the optimal way to use her NoNoPro. Now she removes her unwanted facial hair 1st, THEN she moves on to do her bikini area.
 
At the gynaecologist.


A beautiful woman went to see a gynaecologist. The doctor took one look at the stunning woman and all his professionalism went out of the window.

He told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, ‘Do you know what I am doing?’

‘Yes,’ she replied, ‘You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.’

‘That’s right,’ said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. ‘Do you know what I am doing now?’ he asked.

‘Yes,’ she said, ‘You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer.’

‘Correct,’ replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, ‘Do you know what I am doing now?’

‘Yes,’ she said, ‘You’re getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place.’
 
This truly happened to me while out shopping this morning.

The young man serving me was having trouble putting my purchases in a carrier bag.So trying to help, I took the bag from him and said "OK,I'll hold it open and you shove it in "
It wasn't until I saw the expression on his face that I realised what I'd said.
Exit shop very quickly trying to keep a straight face.
 
I LOVE true stories. They are so superior to made up stuff. Life can be genuinely funny, especially if helped along by a big mouth smart aleck like me. Here is my true story, and it happened right here on this Forum... years ago.

I was trying to upload a new profile picture, replace the avatar I had with a real photo of me. But no matter what I tried, it wouldn't upload. I couldn't figure out what was wrong, so I finally put out a general shout out for help. A lady who was one of the mods back then came to my rescue. I told her what I was trying to do, and that it wouldn't work, and she volunteered to help. That was her second mistake. So, I sent her my photo.

She responded (and I think this is verbatim) "Oh, that's a nice one. Would you like me to put it in for you?" A nice but harmless question, right? Not when dealing with me... so I replied "Oh I bet you say that to all the boys". Now, she couldn't figure out what the hell I was talking about... until she re-read what she'd written. That was followed (according to her) by her laughing so much tears ran down her eyes, and she had to run to the WC.

I believe this was the very first conversation we'd ever had online, but it wasn't the last.
 
A Christian man is being chased by a Brown Bear.

Knowing he will be caught, the man says a quick prayer in his head, asking for the bear to be a Christian.

It works! The bear puts it's paws together and thinks 'Thank you for what I'm about to receive'.
 
Man to bartender... "My wife and I just drifted apart, and that's the last I ever saw of her"
.

Bartender.. "Geee, buddy, that's aweful"


Man.. "What can I say... I'm claustrophobic, and it was a very small life raft"
 
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father."

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home."

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."
 
A panda walks into a bar, orders lunch, eats, pays the bill then shoots everyone in the bar accept the bartender.
Just before he exits the bartender asks why he shot everyone

"Look in the encyclopedia" The panda tells him.

So the bartender does and sure enough under "Panda" it reads "Panda: Black and white mammal native to China, eats shoots and leaves.
 
thelittleduck said:
A panda walks into a bar, orders lunch, eats, pays the bill then shoots everyone in the bar accept the bartender.
Just before he exits the bartender asks why he shot everyone

"Look in the encyclopedia" The panda tells him.

So the bartender does and sure enough under "Panda" it reads "Panda: Black and white mammal native to China, eats shoots and leaves.
Click to expand...
commas-they-save-lives-7709-1264787540-81.jpg
 
> I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a
> grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave
> diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and
> they're still walking about with it. I thought to
> myself, they've lost the plot!!
>
>
>
> My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I
> went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this,
> I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
>
>
>
> I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I
> could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
>
>
>
> I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a
> good Korea move.
>
>
>
> I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.The
> driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
> I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a
> breakdown.
>
>
>
> Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
>
>
>
> My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can
> you believe that,2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up
> playing my Bagpipes.
>
>
>
> Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador
> ."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how
> many of their owners go blind?"
>
>
>
> My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's
> not exactly my girlfriend yet.
>
>
>
> The wife has been missing a week now.
> Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the
> charity shop to get all her clothes back.
>
>
>
> The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the
> kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started
> shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself,
> "She's going through the change."
>
>
>
> When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying
> that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew
> the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean,
> it's not as if she'd have to reverse the
> bloomin thing!
>

> Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter',
> who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours,
> believe the attacker could be following some kind of
> pattern.
>
>
> Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off
> before I could eat it!
>
> Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after
> being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely
> service.
>
 
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

"This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib, said, "That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
 
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
 
Golf with the wife


A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat .

Naturally , the doctor asked , 'what happened to you ?'

Well i was having a quiet round of golf with my wife , when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle .

we went to look for them and while i was looking around i noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end '

i walked over ,lifted its tail and sure enough there was a golf ball with my wifes monogram on it -
stuck right in the middle the cow's fanny (fanny=ladypart not ass in uk/ireland )






still holding the cows tail up , i yelled to my wife ' hey , this looks like yours ! '

' i dont remember much after that ! '
 
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have
experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter
Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I
want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when
God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says:

,

,
,

,


Make them all ugly again.
 
Three guys died and went to heaven.
Three guys died and went to heaven. St. Peter greeted them at the pearly gates. "Hello newcomers. Today, we're only allowing people in who have died a very horrible death. Please describe how you died and I will decide whether or not you may enter." The first man stepped up.


"Well, I got off work early today. However, when I got home, my wife appeared to be acting guilty. I thought she might be cheating on me, so I ran out to the balcony of our apartment. Sure enough, there was a man hanging from it. I grabbed a rock and bashed his fingers until he let go and fell. Much to my disappointment, he landed in the bushes, still alive. In a fit of rage, I ran back inside, grabbed the refrigerator and hurled it out the window at him! Unfortunately, while doing so, a blood vessel burst in my brain, killing me almost instantly."

St. Peter thought about the story for a moment. He then opened the pearly gates and said, "Very well. You may enter. Who is next?" The second man then stepped up to tell his story.


"Alright, so it's like this... Every afternoon, I do exercises on my balcony. However, today, I slipped and fell over. Fortunately, my luck held out for me. I was able to grab the balcony below me. Then, this maniac came out of nowhere and started bashing my fingers with a rock! I couldn't hold on anymore. I had to let go. But, my luck still held out. I landed in the bushes, mostly unharmed. Then, this refrigerator came out of nowhere and crushed me to death!"

St. Peter had an awkward expression on his face. He just opened the gates and said, "Alright... you can enter. Uhh, next person!" The third man walked up.

















"OK, picture this: I'm sitting naked in a fridge..."
 
Jesus is watching you.


A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."




He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,




"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.




"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."


The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"


"Moses," replied the bird.


"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"




"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiller Jesus."
 
Marriage: Men -v-Women



A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, 'I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies,







'Your eyesight is perfect.'




Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies,



'Your sense of humor!'




One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!' His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un-rewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. ' Alice ', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'



She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!





The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized
that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for
an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break
the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me
at 5:00 am" He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper
by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
 
My husband was getting sentimental last night.He was all dreamy eyed and he said,"I remember the first time we met,I saw this cute little backside in a black,tight pencil skirt,long shapely legs,ending in red 6in stilettos,and long blonde hair shining in the disco lights,and I thought to myself,I'm gonna have some of that !!!

Unfortunately,she was with her boyfriend so I ended up with you "
 
Genies Lamp


An Irish man was walking on the beach when he came across a lamp. Anyway he rubbed it and sure enough out popped a genie and granted him three wishes. The first wish was an everlasting pint of Guinness,
the second wish was another everlasting pint of Guinness,

then his third wish was to wake up the next morning with the biggest cock in Ireland.
So he went to sleep and when he woke up




Bono was beside him in the bed .





Fifty-one years ago, Herman James,a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
 
Evening Classes for Men
WICOE(Women In Charge Of Everything) Is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR ,Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL Loosing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS Starting with looking in the right place Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum


DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME Individual counselors available.


Send this on to all your girlfriends who may need a laugh and to guys who you think can handle the truth!
 
Great, my work computer has Crohns. There is a network blockage and the hard disk is inflamed. Currently getting everything archived while it is still breathing.

(true story, apologies for the tasteless puns. Gotta keep a sense of humor)
 
The Real MC said:
Great, my work computer has Crohns. There is a network blockage and the hard disk is inflamed. Currently getting everything archived while it is still breathing.

(true story, apologies for the tasteless puns. Gotta keep a sense of humor)
Click to expand...
Your computer might need either an anti-virus or a probiotic.

I would suggest you only run screensavers for the next 24 hours, after which you can start running bland, soft ware until it starts feeling better (solitaire or a simple paint program for example).

If you can print something, great, but don't force it if the paper doesn't want to come out. If the printer starts discharging and you can't stop it, you might have to take it to the ER.

animated-computer-image-0069.gif
 
A blonde walked into a butchers and said "I'll have 2lbs of those pissoles you've got on special".
The butcher pointed to the appropriate sign and said "this is an R not a P ",

"That's OK then, I'll have 2lbs of arseholes".
 
A pretty blonde in a sports car ran into bad snow weather. She remembered her daddy telling her to wait for a snowplow then to follow it from behind. A snowplow came along and she drove her car behind it. After a while the driver got out of the snowplow and asked her what she was doing. She told him that she had trouble on the snowy roads and that her daddy told her to follow a snowplow. The driver said “Well I’m all done with the Walmart parking lot, are you going to follow me to Target too?”
 
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
 
Senior Sex............

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."


Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
 
I noticed in the Support Forum that there is a thread titled "Could I have Crohns?", and all I could think is "well, if you really want it and since you asked so politely".
:eek2: :tongue: :whistleinnocently:
 

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