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The Dali Lama is visiting New York and he stops at a hot dog cart.

"Make me one with everything."

So the hot dog vendor gives him the hot dog and the Dali Lama gives him a ten. The vendor just sticks it in his pocket.

"Hey, where's my change?"

The hot dog vendor says, "Change comes from within".
 
God was fed up. In a crash of thunder he yanked up to Heaven three influential humans: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates.

"The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed. "You each have one week to prepare your followers for the end of the world." With another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth.

Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good news and bad news," he announced grimly. "The good news is that there is a god. The bad news is, God's really mad and plans to end the world in a week."

In Russia, Yeltsin announced to parliament, "Comrades, I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong: there is a god after all. The worse news is God's mad and is going to end the world in a week."

Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have good news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one of the three most influential men on Earth," he beamed. "The better news is we don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 8."
 
The big breasted blonde always bought dresses to show off her boobs to their best advantage.
Trying on a low cut dress she checked with the sales assistant if it was too low.
"Do you have hair on your chest?" queried the assistant.
"Of course not!" replied the blonde
"Then the dress IS too low".
 
A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.

"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."

The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach 'Thou shall not steal,' that changed your heart?"

The man responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."
 
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a MiCrohn'sian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans... walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry" says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group. "But you can't come in here without a Thai".
 
-------------------------
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives
-------------------------

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.


2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.


3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.


4. A dog's parents never visit.


5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.


6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.


7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.


8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, If I died, would you get
another dog??


10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.


11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.


12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think
it's interesting..


13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.


And last, but not least:


14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
 
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.

·


·
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"

·


·
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

·




· The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.

The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

·

· The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver

and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

·


·
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.

·




· A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"





· "Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"
 
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.



So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun..."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
 
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do
they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
 
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real.

He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.

Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in there?!"
 
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne, Australia , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:



You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs



She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.



'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'



So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:



Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.



'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.



She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.



'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'



Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.



She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
 
Back and forth. . . . Back and forth. . . .


In and out . . . . In and out . . . .


A little to the right . . . . A little to the left . . . .


She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .


Between her breasts . . . . And, trickling down the small of her back . . . .


She was getting near to the end.


He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . .


Forwards then backwards.


Forward then backward.


Again . . . . and, again . . . .


Her heart was pounding now . . . .



Her face was flushed . . . .


She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .


Finally . . . totally exhausted . . . she let out a piercing scream and shouted:


"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"
 
Does anybody know how to cancel a bid on e-Bay?
I put in a bid for a “Cowboy Outfit” and it seems I’m only six minutes away from owning the Australian Labor Government !
 
JOURNEY OF MAN. When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So
I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
 
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.


"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted.

"We say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.
 
We always hear "The Rules"
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.

1. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes or No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
And if you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question that you don't want an answer to, expect an answer that you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, hockey or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
 
When we ask what you want for dinner,and you reply you're"not fussy" enjoy your egg sandwiche and be grateful........
And when you ask where your clean shirt is,it's on the bedroom floor waiting for you to wash it....... Oh,I'm sure our list is much longer than yours !!!
 
scottsma said:
When we ask what you want for dinner,and you reply you're"not fussy" enjoy your egg sandwiche and be grateful........
And when you ask where your clean shirt is,it's on the bedroom floor waiting for you to wash it....... Oh,I'm sure our list is much longer than yours !!!
Click to expand...

We always hear "The Rules"
From the female side
Click to expand...

Totally missing the point, as usual.
 
An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers after the plane has taken off, and forgets to turn off the intercom. He says to the co-pilot, "I think I'll go take a dump and then put the make on that new blonde stewardess."

The stewardess hears it and runs up the aisle to tell him the intercom is till on. She trips and falls in her haste.

A little old lady looks down at her and says, "There's no rush, honey. He said he had to take a dump first."
 
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached,she extended her hand for the ticket and he openened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said,"Sir,I need to see your ticket,not your stub."
 
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognises you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favourite places of all to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.
 
Daisy G said:
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
Click to expand...
Cahoots.... I wonder if that's where "squat" comes from. I've always have been confused about squat, whether its a good thing or a bad thing.

You hear people say "they don't have squat", so I assume they must want some squat.

But then someone will say "I got squat" and they don't sound very happy about it, so it must not be that terrific.

:confused2:
 
Man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died.
I married his widow.
 
At the touch of her lips,it grew long and swollen.He gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly............

It was the best balloon giraffe he'd ever seen !!!
 
scottsma said:
At the touch of her lips,it grew long and swollen.He gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly............

It was the best balloon giraffe he'd ever seen !!!
Click to expand...

I thought he was describing the telescoping lens on his camera

(ever watch Monty Python "Meaning of Life"...?)
 
One of my fav knock knock jokes..it's silly ..it's childish...but I thought a few might think it fits on the forum..

Knock knock...
Who's there...
Smell mop...
...

:D
 
Yes,you're right........it is childish and silly,and it fits very well on here for a lot of us.



You all know who you are !!!

:lol2::lol2::lol2:
 
This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation .. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said.

And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
 
That was BRILLIANT !!! I haven't laughed so much for ages,and those who know me, know I can laugh at almost anything.
I'm going to show it to my hubby,but whether or not he" get's it " is debatable, him being a non-crohnie............Thanks again,you're a star.
 
Daisy, this is really great. I'm sure this should be put up in every endoscopy unit the world over. by the time we all get there we need a damned good laugh.
 
The only thing that is different for me is that in Greece they don't give you anesthesia for colonoscopies. I had five so far being wide awake the whole time (two of them were performed while I was in Full flare) feeling everything and watching the 17.000 foot long tube travel inside my butt (Live your myth in Greece).
 
My job is so fucking unbelievable.

I'll sum it up by telling you about the people I work with:

First, there's this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, ok, she's pretty hot, but damn, she is completely useless. This gal is constantly fixing her hair or putting makeup on. She's extremely self-centered and has never ONCE considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is dumb as a box of rocks. It's amazing she has the brainpower to continue to breathe.

The next chick is the total opposite. She might be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless and here she is with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10 and I'm not sure she even showers, much less take a razor to anything. I think she might be a lesbian because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the crown jewel of this crowd has to be the stoner. This guy is more than just your average pothead, in fact, I'm sure he's baked before he comes to work, during work and definitely after work. He probably hasn't been sober in the last ten years and he's only 22! He dresses like a beatnick throwback from the damn 60's and to make things worse, he brings his big ass dog to work. Every damn day, I have to look at this Great Dane walk around half stoned from the second hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I think it's trying to talk with all of it's constant moaning. Also, both are constantly hungry so they require multiple visits to anywhere that serves a sandwich.

Anyway, I drive these retards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.
 
Success is .....
At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants
At age 12 success is having friends
At age 17 success is having a driving license
At age 20 success is having sex
At age 35 success is having money
At age 50 success is having money
At age 60 success is having sex
At age 70 success is having a driving licence
At age 75 success is having friends
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants
 
There was this drunk who said to the landlord in his local "I want a woman !"
so the landlord gave him directions to a place,but the drunk was so messed up he couldn't
remember where he was told to go, and accidentally walks into a chiropodists office.
"Can I help you ?" asks the receptionist
"Yes" replies the drunk "I want some service"
"OK Sir," says the receptionist "go into the other room,and put it on the table,and someone will be with you shortly".So the drunk goes in the other room and puts his todger on the table.
When the chiropodist comes in she screams "That's not a foot !!!"
"Give it time lady"says the drunk "Give it time."
 
After the wedding the brides father took a taxi to the bankruptcy court....... He turned to the driver and said "You might as well come too "

A mans credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
 
A surgeon came to see his patient on the morning after her operation.
The young woman asked, him somewhat hesitantly,how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.
"I really hadn't though about it" gulped the stunned surgeon "You're the first patient to ask me that question after a tonsillectomy!"
 
Four friends are touring Europe. One is English, one is French, another is Spanish, and the last is from Germany. The four friends are in Paris, and see a large crowd gathering around a street performer. They all crane their necks to see the street performer, but can't seem to get a view. The performer notices the men, and stands on a box. He yells out "Can you gents in the back see me alright?" The friends respond: Yes, Oui, Si, Ja.
 
There were two church going women gossiping in front of the store when a dusty old cowboy rode up.
He tied the horse up in front of the saloon,walked round to the back of the horse,lifted its tail,and kissed it full on it's rectum.
"That's disgusting" squealed one of the women "Why did you do that?"
The cowboy replied "Well Ma'am,I've got chapped lips".
Confused,the other woman asked "Does that make them feel better?"
"No Ma'am" replied the cowboy "But it sure stops me lickin' them".
 
Two flies were on a lavatory seat............. one got p*ssed off.

Two peanuts walking down the road..........one is assaulted

One ghost says to the other "How long have you been dead"?
"Six foot two,the same as when I was alive" says the other

What did the leper say to the hooker ?
"Keep the tip"

What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone ?
You can't hear a vitamin.

In desperation an alcoholic tried drinking varnish.
Sadly he came to a terrible end,but had a beautiful finish

What do you get if you cross LSD with the Pill? .........A trip without the kids
 
Two sperms are swimming along and one is starting to get tired.He asks his mate "How far do you think it is to the uterus ? I'm getting pretty tired!"
His mate says, "I'm not sure,but I think it must still be a long way-we've only just passed the oesophagus !"
 
Teacher asks Little Johnny to use the word 'definitely' in a sentence

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely shit my pants then..."
 
A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard:
"What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says " Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says: "Shit Dude ... how much water did you drink?!"
 
A couple were going out for the evening.The last thing they did was to put the cat out.The taxi arrived and,as the couple walked out of the house,the cat shoots back in.So the husband goes back in to chase the cat out.The wife,not wanting it known that the house would be empty,explained to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother"

A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said,
"Sorry I took so long,the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out,!"
 
Standing in the park,I was wondering why a frisbee gets larger the closer it gets.....then it hit me.
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.....it was just gathering dust.
I have a lot of growing up to do....I realised that the other day inside my fort.
Most of my life I spend avoiding conflict.... I hardly ever visit Syria.
 
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,

when behind him he hears:


BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...





Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.




BUMP...





BUMP...





BUMP...






Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him





FASTER...





FASTER...






BUMP...







BUMP...






BUMP...





He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.








However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping










clappity-BUMP...






clappity-BUMP...






clappity-BUMP...





on his heels, the terrified man runs.





Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.









Bumping and clapping toward him.





The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!









Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...



















and,









(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)













The coffin stops.
 
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
 
Fred was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was REALLY angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!"

The next morning Fred got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Fred has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
 
A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in down town Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough!!..
 
Book titles

Robots by Anne Droid
Cry Wolf by Al Armist
Mensa Man by Gene Yuss
Big Fart! by Hugh Jass
Downpour! by Wayne Dwops
Full Moon by Seymour Buns
Come on in! by Doris Open
Parachuting by Hugo First
Pain Relief by Ann L. Gesick
Armed Heists by Robin Banks
Stop Arguing by Xavier Breath
Falling Trees by Tim Burr
I Didn't Do It! by Ivan Alibi
Without Warning by Oliver Sudden
You're Kidding! by Shirley U. Jest
I'm Someone Else by Ima Nonymous
Animal Illnesses by Ann Thrax
Cooking Spaghetti by Al Dente
Unsolved Mysteries by N. Igma
 
Doctor, Doctor Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.” St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.” St. Peter tells him to go ahead. The last man says, “I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care.”

St. Peter replies, “You may enter. But,” he adds, “you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”
 
Quacking Up A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, “That’ll be $1.49.”

The duck replies, “Put it on my bill!”
 
Two girls having a coffee, 1st girl says " can i ask you does your twat twicth after sex ?"... the 2nd girl says "no he just turns over n goes sleep"... sorry for rude word !!:ylol::ylol:
 
A vicar stepping up into the pulpit spots a woman he thinks he knows wearing a mini skirt seated on the front pew.
He leans over to his organist and asks "Isn't that Fanny Blue?"
"No" says the organist. "I think it's just the way the light's coming through the stain- glass window ".
 
A man was seriously injured in the Nestlé factory today when 100kg box of stock fell on him from 30feet. He was undiscovered for over an hour despite his cries for help because every time he shouted "the milky bars are on me" everybody just cheered.
 
A milkman finds a note outside a door that says 200 pints please today.

He knocks on the door and a woman answers. He says "is this right, 200pints?"

She says "yes, I read an article that says bathing in milk is good for the complexion"

He says " OK whatever. Pasteurised? "

She says "No up to my tits will do!"
 
A little boy walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while his dad is reading the paper.

"Where does Poo come from?" he asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old son is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:

"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the boy.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the loo, and that is Poo."

The little boy looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: "And Tigger?"
 
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in his chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look" she said "What's the secret of a long happy life ?"
"I smoke six packs of cigarettes a day," he said "I also drink a case of whiskey a week,eat fatty foods and never exercise."
"That's amazing" the woman said "How old are you?"
He thought for a moment and replied, "Nineteen"..........
 
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Irish.

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".
 
There's an old Steven Wright joke like that where he meets this beautiful woman on a bus and she tells him she is going to her therapist to try to be cured, but that there is little hope for her. Her problem is she is a nymphomaniac, but she is only attracted to Jewish cowboys. She asks him his name and he answers "Zeke Goldstein".
 
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde all work in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them.

"NO WAY," she exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
 

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