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The Government has announced that benefit cheats will now be dealt with the same way as fraudulent bankers...

I'm not sure giving them Knighthoods will help..
 
You're forgetting the bailouts... first they take our money, then they charge us for using it, then they ... lose it, steal it, take bribes for mis-managing it... whichever. And then the governments uses tax dollars (I wonder where those came from... right, ours) to bail them out. But God help us if we owed the bank money, or the government taxes.

And I thought my life with Crohns was surreal. Is it just me, or does the above sound both true and insane all at the same time?
 
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today' Robert says,as he stepped out of the shower. 'Darling,what do you think the neighbours would say if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money!'
 
Kev said:
You're forgetting the bailouts... first they take our money, then they charge us for using it, then they ... lose it, steal it, take bribes for mis-managing it... whichever. And then the governments uses tax dollars (I wonder where those came from... right, ours) to bail them out. But God help us if we owed the bank money, or the government taxes.

And I thought my life with Crohns was surreal. Is it just me, or does the above sound both true and insane all at the same time?
Click to expand...

It's all true!!!!!....but, by all means, in the name of all that is compassionate and kind, oh please, please give these same assholes, thieves and swindlers veto power over our healthcare!!!!
 
Thankyou for the laughs everyone. Was so sick in the stomach when I started reading these. Now twice as sick!:ylol2:
 
Rob: *pointing to pants* "My sack is heavy"
Gina: "You are disgusting"
Rob: "What? It's not my fault I have this!"
Gina: "You are a pervert!"
Rob: "It's my Ostomy bag, Gina"
 
So a police officer pulls me over and I roll down the window. He says to me,"Miss, have you been doing drugs? Your eyes are red." I replied, "Officer, your eyes look glazed,have you been eating donuts?"
 
Hmmm, how to tell this one discretely? (Discrete, diplomatic, these aren't my fortes)..

OK, here goes. The lady involved swears this is a true story. While on a road trip, she mis-judged distance between lavatories... and, when you got to go.. especially when there is an appliance involved, you have to go. No room for debate... or waiting until you find a public toilet. Sooooo, despite being on a 100 series highway, the car stops, and down into the ditch she heads... and, with the raise of the hem of her dress, and the re-arranging of some undergarments, she is able to point her appliance and empty it away from her. Her traveling companion, who knew of her condition, sort of stood guard.
And it was the friend who noticed the... rubber neckers.. who, approaching at 100k per hour, were slowing and swerving despite the risk. Apparently her friend wasn't down far enough in the ditch to be out of sight. So, she sneeked a peek, and burst into laughter.
From a distance, sort of profile, the pink colored appliance.. well, pointed and held the way our Crohnie sister was holding it... OK, picture this... you see a woman, attired in a very appealing dress... standing in a ditch on a highway... holding what appears to be for all the world the appendage of a very well endowed man.. just standing there letting it fly. And people wonder how car accidents happen.
 
On The Job

Accountants do it with a double entry
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
Bankers do it with interest
Barmen do it on the rocks
Ambulance drivers come quicker
Firemen do it with a big hose
 
I thought of a way to combat childhood obesity.

Get rid of school crossing zones.

Let the little bastards run for it.
 
When I woke up this morning, I just didn't give a fuck.

Then I had a Red Bull.

Now I don't give a flying fuck.
 
The new guy in prison is approached by a HUGE bodybuilder type in the shower on his first night.He says "As you're new here,you get the choice,do you want sex with or without spit?"..........The guy is thinking, with spit it wont hurt as much,so he says "w-w-w-with spit". The big guy shouts over "Hey Spit,the new guy wants a threesome".
 
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.For example,when a woman is ovulating,she will prefer a man with rugged masculine features.

However,when she is menstruating,she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire,with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside,!!!!
 
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
 
My husband bought me a mood ring. When I'm in a good mood, it's blue. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
 
A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."

The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?"

"No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!" The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.

He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"

"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."
 
We need a bit more discipline on here - certain people are getting out of control!


Sheriff of Dodge City was looking for the Brown Paper Kid - he was wanted for rustling.
 
News headlines 01

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
 
Two little kids are in hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other in the pre-op
room, outside the operating theatre, the first surgeries of the day.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when
I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots
of jelly and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "Circumcision."
"Whoa!" the second kid replies, "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I
was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
 
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"
 
Jennifer, a manager at a local Aldi store, had the task of hiring someone to
fill a job opening.

After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were
equally qualified.

Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.

Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer
asked,

'What is the fastest thing you know of?


'The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no
warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the
second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it
ever happened.


A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.

''Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular
cliché for speed.

'She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch.

When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn
comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found
her man.

'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,'she said.

Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question

Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious
to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.

''WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I had a rotten pain in the
guts, so I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or


TURN ON THE F%*^$(' LIGHT, I shit meself!!

'Wally is now working at an Aldi near you!
 
Here's a true, and hopefully funny (as opposed to dull/boring) story. As a young man, I ended up hospitalized (young, headstrong, foolish, and thought I was invinciable.. NOT!)

A young, very attractive nurse was assigned the job of starting an IV on me. It didn't matter to me how inexperienced she was... Anyway, without realizing it, she missed the vein... set the drip, and left. A few hours later she returned to check up on me. When she saw my arm... swollen, bloated, filled with IV fluid, and bruised from the blood from the punctured vein... well, I think she panicked a little. She started another IV in my good arm, got it right this time... and then confided in me she was ...concerned.. about the ramifications.. if her mistake was made known. I agreed to keep it our little secret. She said she would be back every chance she had to treat it with cold packs and apply linament.. to lessen the swelling and the discomfort. True to her word, she came back with both... and there I was, sitting in my wheelchair, and her bent over me applying linament and cold packs.. and unwittingly displaying the finest cleavage I had ever witnessed up close to that point in my life. The swelling went down gradually (in my arm that is) but the bruising took a lot longer (thankfully).. Thing is, it hadn't really felt uncomfortable at the worst part.... but I (pardon the expression) milked that bruising for nearly a week.
 
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night; set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
 
Lisa thats not very nice.....

give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

teach him how to fish




and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
 
I walked up to a beggar at the supermarket car park...

'I've got a mortgage, a car to run, a family to feed & I work 5 days a week'..

'are you trying to make me feel bad?' he asked..

'no' I replied.. 'this is my pitch, so fuck off'.
 
On The Job
Binmen come weekly
Salesmen do it on commission
Waitresses do it for tips
DJs do it on request
Detectives do it undercover
Dentists do it orally
Pizza delivery men come in 30mins or its free
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Bosses delegate the task to others
 
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,

The Management
 
On their 1st day of school 2 children meet each other & one says 'Ive always been smart,I've been walking since I was 9 months old'.. The other replies 'Call that smart?.. I got the fuckers to carry me till I was 4'.
 
A friend asked his retired friend:

“Now that you’re retired, do you still have a job?”

I replied, “Yes. I am my wife's sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, he said,

"I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

Very simple. The wife has told me that when she

wants my XXXXXX advice, she'll ask me for it.
 
It's been reported that Hollywood producers are keen to start shooting Back to the Future 4 soon...

I already watched it next year.
 
This is the story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
 
A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous.

At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?". The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane.". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it.

"Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."
 
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!
 
Two elderly women were earing breakfast one morning when one of them notices something funny about her friends ear.
"Mildred,do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear"?
"Do I really? A suppository"? Mildred pulls it out and stares at it.
"Ethel,I'm glad you saw this thing.Now I know where my hearing aid is"!!!
 
Once there were four business men. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies.

A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had 1 baby."

The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the president of And1!"

The nurse goes away.

Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!"

The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the owner of the Minnesota Twins!"

The nurse goes away.

The nurse comes back and says to the third businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had triplets!"

The man says, "What a coincidence! I work for Triple Crown!"

The nurse goes away.

The nurse comes back and sees the fourth businessman alone on the bench crying.

She asks, "Why are you crying"?

The man replies, "I work for Seven Up"!!
 
WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms.Most men couldn't give a sh*t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house afterwards.
 
George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and George Bush are in a plane.

The pilot says that the passengers must lighten their load. so the three presidents decide to drop one item

George Washington drops a quarter

Abe Lincoln drops a penny

George Bush drops a grenade

When the presidents land, they find someone holding their head and cursing.

George Washington asks the man what's wrong.

"I was walking down the street when a quarter falls from the sky and hits my head!"

So the presidents continue down the road and find someone hopping on one foot, holding the other, cursing. Abe Lincoln asks "What happened?"

"I was standing on my porch barefoot when a penny falls from the sky and hits it!"

The presidents continue once more and find a young boy laughing hysterically.

George Bush asks "What's so funny?"

The boy replies "I farted and my house exploded!!!"
 
When buying a new bin, always buy 2 in case 1 isn't very good and has to be thrown away. That way you'll always have something to put it in.
 
At church one Sunday...

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could Hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced. "Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
 
Barry and Hannah, an old married couple, are sitting on the couch watching TV. On the show they were speaking about how to prepare in case of death etc.

“Honey,” says Barry, turning to his wife with a serious expression, “I want you to promise me, that if there ever comes a time that I am dependent on just machines and bottled fluid, that you will make sure to put an end to it.”

“No problem hun,” said Hannah, and she promptly got up, turned off the TV, and poured his beer down the drain.…
 
My best friend: Have you got a job yet?
Me: Yeah.. Killing zombies
Him: Umm.. Zombies don't exist?
Me: You ever SEEN a zombie?
Him: No
Me: You're fucking welcome.
 

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