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He is adorable isn't he. Has THE most fantastic nature too. I've always had big dogs before, shepherds and labrador cross and didn't like fluffy white yappy dogs. How wrong I was, Cookie is the best dog I've ever had. Doesn't do one annoying thing and is always happy. We got him cos he doesn't shed hair plus is easier for me to look after with walks etc. Half the time he exercises himself playing with our two cats in the backyard!
 
annawato said:
He is adorable isn't he. Has THE most fantastic nature too. I've always had big dogs before, shepherds and labrador cross and didn't like fluffy white yappy dogs. How wrong I was, Cookie is the best dog I've ever had. Doesn't do one annoying thing and is always happy. We got him cos he doesn't shed hair plus is easier for me to look after with walks etc. Half the time he exercises himself playing with our two cats in the backyard!
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Whatkind of dog is he? I know, I just can't think of the name? He is my dream dog if I ever can have one again.
 
He is Maltese cross Shitzu, so has best of both breeds.I highly recommend them. They are great little dogs so long as you teach them who's boss right from when they are puppies - like any dog really. Some people treat little dogs like children then wonder why they are a nuisance. I'm a great fan of the Dog whisperer. :) or maybe we were just lucky with this one. He is actually three years old now but I love this picture of him and he hasn't really changed much - except when he has to be shorn, then he looks like a little rat!
 
p.s. he is also great company for me during the day when no-one else is home and we can even take him away with us if we are staying at a caravan park that takes dogs. If you are home alone all the time i think you should definitely get one! I'm mean its good for your health to have a pet isn't it????? :) :)
 
annawato said:
He is Maltese cross Shitzu, so has best of both breeds.I highly recommend them. They are great little dogs so long as you teach them who's boss right from when they are puppies - like any dog really. Some people treat little dogs like children then wonder why they are a nuisance. I'm a great fan of the Dog whisperer. :) or maybe we were just lucky with this one. He is actually three years old now but I love this picture of him and he hasn't really changed much - except when he has to be shorn, then he looks like a little rat!
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He looks like a cute teddybear youjust have to bring home! A kid at my church brought in a poodle-bejon'mix(Spell?) and it looks alot like yours. Very well behaved too he said. Maybe someday my hubs will let me get a dog again. He doesn't want one because we can just pick up and go anywhere and not have to worry about a dog. Thanx for replying!!!
 
There was a time when I would indulge in a leisurely drive in the country on a Sunday afternoon. No set destination in mind. Just out to discover what was over the hill and around the bend. I stopped when I discovered it was 'me'.
 
I saw a meme...wish I could find it again now, but its the baby making a fist:

"Woke up this morning and realized I had just as many Tour de France wins as Lance Armstrong...and twice as many testicles."
 
KNOCK KNOCK... \who's there??

I DIDUP.... I DIDUP WHO??!!


Lol, my kids used to LOVE this joke :poop::poop::poop::poop::poop:
 
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

Just one lady in front of me - an Asian lady who was
trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious She was a little irritated. . ...


She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get
two hunat dolla fo yen.

Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'


The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,
'Fluctuations.'






The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!''
 
An Aborigine was driving along the road when suddenly one of his rear
Tyres went flat.
With a sigh and a curse he pulled over, got out the jack and wheel brace
And started undoing the nuts on the wheel.

Just after he started, a Subaru going at high speed pulled over in front
Of his car, brakes squealing.

Out hops a big Maori carrying a softball bat. The Maori proceeds to
smash the side window of the Aborigine's car.


The Aborigine jumps up and starts yelling "what the f**k are you doing
bro!"

The Maori says "cool it man, if you're taking the wheels, don't complain
about me taking the CD Player!"
 
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.



"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ah've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".



Archie nods approvingly.



"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.



"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that.



What's the tartan?...."



"Och," says Jimmy, "Ah'd imagine she'll be in white.”
 
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After nearly six months she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant.

Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replied, "You had twins, a boy and a girl.

The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately,

so your brother Paddy came in and named them."

The woman thought to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother.

He's a clueless idiot.”

Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"

"Denise," said the doctor.

The new mother was somewhat relieved and thought to herself,

'Wow, that's a really beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother.

I really like Denise.'

Then she asked, "What's the boy's name?"

-

-
The doctor replied, "Denephew.
 
Things Not to Say on Your Valentine's Date

I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

I used to come here all the time with my ex.

I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.

Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
 
Doctor Jokes

Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery

"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

"Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

"Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."

"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

"Damn, there go the lights again...."

"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."

"What do you mean you want a divorce?"
 
Robert747 said:
Things Not to Say on Your Valentine's Date

I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

I used to come here all the time with my ex.

I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.

Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
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You can say that again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:ywow:
 
One year, I decided to buy my
mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well,
you still haven't used the gift I bought you
last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
 
Our day is coming!



A man was sitting on a lawn sunning and reading,

when he was startled by a fairly late model

car crashing through a hedge and coming to rest

on his lawn. He helped the elderly driver out

and sat her on a lawn chair.

“My goodness” he exclaimed, “you are quite old to be driving!”

“Yes” she replied,” I am old enough that I don’t need a license anymore.

The last time I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked if I had

a driver’s license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors

out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the

wastebasket.” ”You won’t be needing this anymore,” he said.

"So I thanked him and left.”



DON'T YOU JUST LOVE SENIORS...
 
Police were notified that a local man was allegedly committing acts of a 'carnal nature' with a farm animal, namely a sheep. An arrest warrant was sworn out, but somehow the suspect heard about it, and both he and the 'alleged' victim had disappeared. The police searched high and low, but with no success. Police finally admitted they didn't have any leads on the perpetrators whereabouts, but they suspected, wherever he was, he was

(are you ready????)

"on the lamb"
 
I can't stand those interfering people who bang on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"?

bloody firemen
 
Sooooo, it is okay to tell a child how much they've grown, but not an ex girlfriend!!! ;)
 
William Shatner,alias captain kirk has discontinued his ladies underwear range.. in hindsight 'Shatner knickers' maybe not the best brand name.
 
Here we go round the mulberry bush,
the mulberry bush, mulberry bush,
Here we go round the mulberry bush,
I hate this bloody satnav.
 
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
The structure of the wall was incorrect,
So he got three grand from Claims Direct.
 
Liam-Sman said:
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way.
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The doctors said they cannoli do so much, his legacy will become a pizza history. I suppose its here today, gone tomato. Its so sad that he ran out of thyme. I will be sending olive my prayers to the family.

:rof:
 
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you do not know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.
 
Did you hear a scientist in Iran has developed a time machine? The secret key ingredient is common dessert sand. If you take just the right quantity, and pour it into a specially shaped chamber.. the last grain of sand will pass into the lower chamber in exactly 1 hr.
 
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

Neither of you realize that cows only produce milk after calving. Neither of you realize it takes 5 acres of maintained pasture, hay and grain to sustain a cow. Neither of you realize that if you don't milk your cow twice a day during lactation they will get mastitis and die. Your cows die and so do you!!
 
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.
'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and Screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. '
Your finger is broken.
 
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it. The nurse's hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform! "Dusty Kat! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!" the supervisor yelled. "Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, "It's those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when they're through using it!"
 
An Australian doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients. However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first...". This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, "... but they probably weren't veterinarians".
 
A Dr. was hurriedly going down the hallway when a nurse came rushing after him explaining that she needed his signature on a patient’s chart. He reached into his pocket and was about to sign his name when he realized he was holding a rectal thermometer. "Damn!" he says to the nurse, "some asshole has got my favorite pen!"
 
found this online and thought you might get a laugh........

My night began as any other normal weeknight.
Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you
peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
'Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my20thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids,
I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long
strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is
spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out.....must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe,
breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I
want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The ha ir that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next
BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to
poop..

My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered
bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the
bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me u ndone. It's a very good
conversation starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,
Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now . I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the
box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have
your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub
some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

IT WORKS!!

It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and
then notice to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OFIT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......
 
Thanks Trev..............I haven't laughed so much for a long time,I really must get a life,and come to think of it..........SO SHOULD YOU !!!!!

BRILLIANT !!!!!
 
My husband was arrested today.........He went to B&Q and the assistant asked if he wanted decking.........so hubby got the first punch in !!!!
 
Spooky1 said:
oh, laughin' now. had such a bad night, slept half the day, feeling awful but I just had a laugh, Thanks King and Carol.
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Hope you feel better spooky! I'm feelin awful too! Sick in tummy and all over since Sat nite. Is this crohn's? No D with it....
 
Its great to be able to come here and have a good laugh when you're feeling sick or low. Thankyou everyone. :)
Spooky and 723, I hope you are both feeling better soon.
And since this is the joke thread I'd better add one -

DUI - Tennessee Style

Only a person in Tennessee could think of this.
From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bristol , TN . After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar apparently so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.


He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.


At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said,"I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."



'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.
 
annawato said:
Its great to be able to come here and have a good laugh when you're feeling sick or low. Thankyou everyone. :)
Spooky and 723, I hope you are both feeling better soon.
And since this is the joke thread I'd better add one -

DUI - Tennessee Style

Only a person in Tennessee could think of this.
From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bristol , TN . After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar apparently so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.


He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.


At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said,"I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."



'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.
Click to expand...

That was great!!!!
 
I lost the trivia contest at the church social last night by one point.
The last question was, "Where do most women have curly hair?"
Apparently the correct answer is Africa .
I've been asked to find another place to worship.
 
Trev said:
I lost the trivia contest at the church social last night by one point.
The last question was, "Where do most women have curly hair?"
Apparently the correct answer is Africa .
I've been asked to find another place to worship.
Click to expand...

Why do I get the feeling that's a true story ???:lol2:
 
OK... Beauty parlours.. or parlors.. depends on your dictionary. Anyone else recall this story. It appeared on a talk show.. Oprah, Donahue, Maury.. someone along those lines.

A staffer at a salon walked in to cut the hair of a gent she'd never encountered before. The client appeared to be looking at her funny... and that is when she noticed that he was doing something with his hands... in his lap.. under the drape cloth. Judging from the motion, she guessed what he was doing with his hands, and the thought enraged her so much... she lost it. She grabbed a big salon style hair dryer, called him a pig, and cold cocked him with it. Then she called for the manager to deal with the unconscious man in the chair. Sure enough, when the manager raised the hem of the drape cloth, the man had been busy with his hands under there... cleaning his very thick spectacles.

Apologies were offered, but the client sued, and won. And, the manager fired the staffer who had assualted the client.. She sued, and won. Anyone else recall this?

Jokes are funny... but, sometimes life is downright hilarious..
 
The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ~ and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.

The dad thought for a second, then replied, "Did you also notice that they walked everywhere"!
 
A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Brisbane and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the girl behind the desk.

The Job Centre Assistant sorts through her files and replies.

'Oh, yes, here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist.'

'You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie them down and gently wash their nether regions.

Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.'

'There's a starting annual salary of $85,000, but you're going to have to go to Darwin '

'Oh, why? Is that where the job is?' he asks.

'No,' replied the assistant, 'that's the end of the queue.'
 
I made this up for you Brits!

What is it when you cross and elephant with a rhino???

Eliphino!!!:lol2: Get it??? El If I know!

My husband just informed me that this is an old joke! sorry thought i made it up. Eliphinew!!!!:lol2:
 
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An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not take any precautions. A week after arriving back home he awakens one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little relieved and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure other than to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Oh no! I want a second opinion!"

The doctor replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American doctor! American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money, that way."

"Then there's no need to operate? Oh, thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks, it fall off by itself!"
 
A man opens his door to find two sombre police officers at his doorstep. One of them holds up a photo of the man's wife and the other says, "I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this sir, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus." The man looks at the officer and replies, "I know, but she has a great personality!"
 
Bunnings Is Better Than A Doctor:

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Bunnings. Just give it a urine sample and
the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds
and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a Doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Bunnings.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings.

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Bunnings, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a solicitor.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
 
Things you don't want to hear in hospital.....'good news about your implants,we're doing 3 for the price of 2 this week.The good news is your new knee joint is working perfectly.....the bad news is the surgeon didn't realise you were lying on your front......'can you feel that? You can feel my finger?Do you like it? does it feel good?Yeah? shit,the doctors here'..'Do you want to take the bone home for the dog'?....'I realise you're trying to make this Anal probe as easy as possible,Doctor,but do we need the mood lighting and soft music'?
 
Last night my husband asked me how many men I'd slept with."Only you darling" I answered,"I made passionate love all night long,to the rest of them".....As he walked down the path with his suitecase,he growled "I hope you have a long slow death,BITCH !!!......."What,you gonna stay now"? I smirked, as I slammed the front door.
 
Did you hear about the insomniac, dyslexic, impotent physicist?

He laid awake at night thinking about hadrons...
 
For :dusty:

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
 
I said to the boss "What will I do with this large roll of bubble wrap"?."Just pop it in the corner for now please" he answered.................Four bloody hours it took me !!!!
 
scottsma said:
Last night my husband asked me how many men I'd slept with."Only you darling" I answered,"I made passionate love all night long,to the rest of them".....As he walked down the path with his suitecase,he growled "I hope you have a long slow death,BITCH !!!......."What,you gonna stay now"? I smirked, as I slammed the front door.
Click to expand...

It's a terrible thing but I have read this three times and still don't get it - am I being thick?
 
A very elderly couple were sitting on their porch, in their respective rocking chairs. Every now and then, the little old lady would stop, lean across to her frail looking hubby, and holler at him in language so blue even I, a truck driver, blush at the mere thought of it. Using variations of the acronym for 'For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge' she would tell him to go F himself, or that he was F ing useless.. or just to go F off. Finally, after what seemed the most extended combination of derogatory terms... she settled back in her rocker, and said. "Hmmmm, I think these young folks are onto something. I quite enjoyed this 'oral' sex"
 
Things you don't want to hear on a sex phone line
I'm eatin'a bacon & egg sandwhich and the brown sauce is goin' all over me flip flops
"hello,this sex call has been outsourced to Bangalore.Can I be helping you come Sir"?
"Your call is very important to us,please continue to hold".
 
Three men met at a party and it wasn't long until the conversation got around to their line of work and what kinds of cars they drove. “I’m a veterinarian,” said the first fellow. “So, naturally, I drive a white ‘Vet.”
As they smiled and nodded, the second man said, “I own a sign company, so I Drive a purple Neon.”
Now the third guy was suddenly quiet until he was egged on by the other two. “Well,” he finally admitted, “I’m a gastroenterologist…and I have a brown Probe.”
 
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.
He got into the taxi and the cabbie said,
"Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete.
He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis.
He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.
He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer.
He remembered everybody's birthday.
He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.
Not like me.
I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out.
But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.
But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong;
and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too.
He was the perfect man!
He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow.
How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian.

He died. I'm married to his fucking widow."
 

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