Joke

Crohn's Disease Forum

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here's another !

A married couple wer doing there shopping in the supermarket. The husband wants to buy some beers, wife says no wer'e not buying beer. A bit later the wife wants to buy some face cream, it's only £10 she says. The husband says no wer'e not buying blooming face cream. It'll make me look younger says the wife, so would the beer and you wouldn't let me have that !!!!
 
quick question for Dusty, your daughter is so beautiful. I bet she has tons of guys knocking on her door for dates so my question is do you polish off a shot gun when they go to pick her on on dates and warn them that if they hurt her in any way that you'll be after them?

My BIL in FL has a 7 yr. old daughter who is going to be a real beauty when she gets older and has a very nice hunting knife collection and he plans to sharpen them when the gentlemen callers start dating her. Also, her big brother Ethan plans to drill them w/20 questions as well. AND if I happen to be down there visiting, these young men won't know what hit them lol. Mess with my niece, You mess with HER AUNT. RUN FOOLS!!! RUN FAR AWAY!! lol
 
Ahahahaha........

Awwww thanks GW...:blush:...Well since she is 600kms away lord only knows what she gets up to!...:eek2:...What you don't know doesn't hurt you, or so they say! :ylol:

Dusty. :)
 
One day a hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution...

The tax agent explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation...

She said she'd have to go home and think about it and that she'd call him back in a hour with her occupation...

An hour later she called him and said, "I've got it, I'm a chicken farmer"...

He said, "How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution"...

She said, "I raised over a thousand cocks last year".
 
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A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night...

The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrant!"...

The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter."...

The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"
 
Dusty, how is your little Roo doing at school? Is this her first year? what is her major? Will she be coming home any time soon for the holidays? oh and does she know that you post these kind of jokes for virgin eyes only? lol
 
Hey GW! :bigwave:

Roo is doing just fine now hun. :)

She has had a stressful few weeks but that is all settling now, YAY! She is just about at the completion of her second year, she will finish at the end of October. Her major is politics and history and she spends most of her extra curricular time on politics...conferences, campaigning, courses etc. :eek2:

I am going down on Friday with Matt to visit for a couple of days...:):):)...sooooo looking forward to it. She will have November through to February off so she will come home when she can fit it in, she has a job and her political pursuits to look after first! :ylol:

I don't think she knows about my jokes but suffice it to say it wouldn't surprise her! :shifty:

Dusty. xxx
 
I am so glad to hear that she's doing well. WOW!! Politics eh? Maybe she'll run for president of Australia and then you'll be sitting pretty. heeeee heeeee FREE TP for Crohnies and UCKS!! (UC pts.) :thumleft:

I bet ya she has a suitor or two but isn't telling you about them seeing as she's so beautiful and all. Still, have the shot gun collection handy though. :thumleft:

Let her know that I miss her posts on here. She was a welcome sight!!

:hug::hug: Girl POWER!!! I wish her all the best in whatever she decides to do!! HUGS to you and her. GW
 
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?...

Men always miss them.
 
Totally corny, but I just heard this one and thought I'd share:

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
 
There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU".

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
 
10 years ago America had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Jonny Cash -

Now they have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.

;-)
 
‎‎2 blokes were in the pub having a few drinks...

One said to the other one... I'm so happy now that the cost of living has gotten so bad, now my wife is having SEX with me because she can't afford batteries...

The other one replied with... My wife's cost of living was so bad I had to leave her, but I'm happier now than I was when I was with her...

Now I fill up my blow up doll with helium so she plays hard to get.
 
Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven...

Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned... "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said... "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her...

Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned... "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said...

Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun...

Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?"

She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"
 
Here's one for any fellow Taffs out there. Has to be my favourite joke of all time!


Taff goes to the doctor:-

Taff: Doctor Doctor I can't stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home!?

Doc: Well...... It's Not Unusual!
 
ANDY ROONEY ON SEX!

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!
 
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his
leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.


A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit.. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right
as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his
wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he
receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume.. The long robe will cover your
Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the
company another nasty letter of complaint..

The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your
wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
 
My wife and I walked past an expensive restaurant and she commented on how delicious the food smelled. I thought, "Sod it, I'll treat her". So I turned her round and we walked right past it again.
 
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Little Johnny got caught masturbating by his Mum...

Sorry Mummy, honestly it's the 1st time Iv'e done it said little Johnny...

Mum told little Johnny...it is quite alright son, you are not doing anything wrong, your father does it at least 3 times a day...

Besides, if God didn't want us to masturbate he'd have made our arms shorter...

Little Johhny replied with...Is that why the T-Rex was such an angry creature.
 
Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."
 
I'm starting to take this drink-driving business seriously now. Left the car at the pub last night and took the bus home. Quite proud of myself really - I've never driven a bus before.
 
Boy asked his dad, what does a vagina look like? Dad says well before sex it looks like the pedals of a delicate rose. Boy says what about after sex? Dad says well have you ever seen a bulldog eat a mayonnaise sandwich?
 
oops !

An angry husband burst into the doctors surgery and punched the doc in the face. What was that for ? asked the doc. My wife has been to see you and that'll teach you for telling her she'd a nice fanny ! I actually told her she had acute angina said the doctor.
 
One day at school the teacher was talking about movement in school. After finishing her lesson she asked the children what they thought was the fastest.

Four third graders raised their hands. the first one said that waking up was the fastest, the teacher asked why and he said because as soon as you go to sleep the night passes fast and before you know it your awake and its morning.

the next kid went and she said lightning bolts because you just see the flash and before long its gone.
The third kid went and he said electricity because as soon as you flip the switch the light comes on.

Finally she asked the last kid who had his hand up, he answered diarrhea. Now why diarrhea asked the teacher. he replied,because in the morning i wake up, go to the bathroom as fast as a lightning bolt, flip the light switch on and when i get there i already shittted in my pants....:stinks:
 
> Sex And Good Grammar
>
> For all of my grammatically correct friends:
>
> On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
>
> The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby Original American reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
>
> After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
> to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
>
> The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,"This a powerful medicine. You take-um only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.'
>
> "When you do, you become more manly than you ever been in your life. Can perform as long as you want-um."
>
> The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
> "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded,
> "but when she do, medicine not work-um again until next full moon."
>
> Our hero was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
> took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
> When she came in, he began taking off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
> His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. But then she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
> *****************************
> And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we
> could end up with a dangling participle.
 
The Bridge

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge...?"
 
Two firemen were buttfucking in a smoke filled room. The Fire Marshall entered the room, and said what is going on here? One firemen said, smoke inhalation. The Fire Marshal said, haven't you two heard of mouth to mouth? Then the firemen said how do you think this shit got started?
 
Colonoscopy.
If your feeling uneasy or embarrassed about having your ass exposed to total strangers,just remember... you did not choose this. You are not here lying on your left side by choice.
Not like the total strangers who choose this career to stare up peoples asses all day long as a job. Heck, they even spent years getting educated for it. No, never feel embarrassed about your situation.....:)
 
Oh well, Dusty would tell it so....


I went to the doctor's office the other day & found out that my
new doctor is a young female & drop-dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry,
I'm a professional - I've seen it all before.
Just tell me what's wrong and I'll "check it out."

I said. "My wife thinks my dick tastes funny."
 
Carolyn P said:
An angry husband burst into the doctors surgery and punched the doc in the face. What was that for ? asked the doc. My wife has been to see you and that'll teach you for telling her she'd a nice fanny ! I actually told her she had acute angina said the doctor.
Click to expand...

For those on this side of the pond the UK call a Fanny the female parts... we call it our butt. NOW you may get the joke! :thumright:
 
A women walked by a pet store, when a parrot in the window said "Hey lady your fat". In disgust she walked on to work. The very next day the lady walked by the pet store, And the parrot said "Hey lady your fat". The woman very angry went inside to speak to the manager. She told him how rude the parrot was, and if happens again she would file charges against the store for harassment. The next day she walks by the pet shop, and there sat the parrot. the parrot says " Hey lady". The woman turned and looked at the parrot, and the parrot says "you know".
 
Finding Inner Peace......

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my home to see things I'd started and hadn't finished so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss.
 
My dyslexic friend told me he was going to be covering his penis with black
shoe polish this weekend
I said to him, "You idiot! - You're supposed to be turning your clock back!

This one made me laugh...
 
Don't fart in Harrods.

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond
bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more
closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed
her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of
a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect
of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help
you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman
somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of
this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going
to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"
 
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks ‘What is wrong??’
The boy says ‘Me ma is dead’. ‘Oh bejaysus’ the man says ‘Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?’
The boy replies ‘No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.’
 
A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, its not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, and as fate would have it ... with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day ... and then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day the parrot could not hold back any longer and said ...

"OK, I give up. Where's the fuckin' ship?"
 
Who created Woman?
The Council
Only the Council would put a playground next to a shithole!
 
A prim and proper family were at the dinner table when their daughter asks about the penis...

Lady Fiona, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through 3 phases also ...

In his 20s his penis is like an Oak tree, mighty and hard...

In his 30s and 40s, it is like a Birch tree, flexible but reliable...

After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree... "A Christmas tree?' said the daughter"...

"Yes replied Lady Fiona"... "Dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration".
 
:rof::rof::rof::rof::rof:

Alright already. STOP STOP!!! I'm gonna fall off my chair again!!

you rule!!!! UNCLE!! UNCLE!!! :rof::rof::rof::rof::rof:
 
My neighbour was up at 2Am last night making one hell of a noise,banging on my wall .Luckily it didn't disturb me cos I was already awake playing my drums.
 
Holy Prostitutes
A man is driving down a deserted stretch
of highway in KENTUCKY when he
notices a sign out of the corner of his eye...
It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his
imagination and drives on....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize
that these signs are for real and drives
past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and
he pulls into the drive...

On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building
with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell .
The door is answered by a nun in a
long black habit who asks, 'What may
we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the
highway and was interested
in possibly doing business.... ..'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.'
He is led through many winding passages
and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at
a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock
on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit,
holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs,
'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the
large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly
trots down the hall and slips through
the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself
back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST
BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS
OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
 
From my husband:
How do you know when it's time to get rid of your Girlfriend? When she fits in your wife's panties.
 
Grandma and grandpa were watching a religious healing program on tv. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed, to put one hand on the tv and the other on the body part they wanted healed.

Grandma hobbled to the tv and put one hand on the tv and the other on her arthritic hip.

Grandpa made his way to the set and put one hand on the tv and the other on his crotch.

Grandma looked at him with disgust . "you just don't understand, you old coot.....the purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."
 
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading:"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors"
The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".
This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign. "Catatonics
and High Colonics" - No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again!
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts" - no way.
"Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.
"Loons and Moons" - forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends". Everyone loved it.
 
Types of people

I have traveled around the world. I have met people from all walks of life. I have determined that there is only 4 types of people in this world. Those who can count, and those who can't count.
 
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,



when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.



'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed
the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put
a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said:

'Next year tell Santa;
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!
 
Why Women should avoid a girls night out after they are married....
If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of Humour.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... He didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
 
Laughter is the best medicine right? So I should live to 100??? :lol:

My daughter can actually make people laugh and pee their pants!
 
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
 
For the IT challenged...

I had a problem with my computer yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless enquired,

'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned .... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard.
 
Here is one for the guys...

The Irish Funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
 
Fiery Bus Crash

A bus full of ugly people was driving down the road (Stop laughing, thats not the funny part!). The bus crashes, bursts into flames, and all aboard die. When they all go to heaven God grants them all a wish from suffering in the fiery bus crash. The first ugly person looks to God and says, "make me good looking". The next person in line sees this and asks for the same thing, and the person behind him, and the person behind him etc.. About half way through the line of the same wishes the last person in line starts to laugh and God notices it. A little further through the line and the last person starts to laugh loudly. when there were about ten people to go God notices the last person is rolling on the ground in laughter. Finally God gets to the laughing man and asks him what was so funny. The man simply replies and says, " Make them all ugly again."
 
That's a beautiful baby you have

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
 
I heard this at a party last night, apparently it is the perfect joke according to science, as there is no word play and it can be translated to any language.

So Steve and Jim are out in the wood hunting, suddenly Steve clutches his just moans and falls to the ground dead, most likely a heart attack. So Steve grabs his cell, he gets a signal and calls 911.
He's panicking, the operator picks up and he says "I think my friend is dead, we were out hunting and he grabbed his chest and fell over, I think he had a heart attack, I think he's dead"
The operator says "Okay sir calm down, are you sure he's dead, make sure he's dead" So the operator is waiting for Jim to get back to the phone, and all of a sudden she hears a loud gunshot, Jim picks up the phone and says "okay, I'm sure he's dead, what do I do now"
 
Christmas Lights

I love CHRISTMAS LIGHTS,
They remind me of some co-workers.
They all hang together ,
half of the fuckers don't work,
and the ones that do aren't that bright.
 
Oh Pen, :ycool:
Thank you sooo much, once again you have made me laugh out loud.
Just what I needed

:rof::rof::rof::rof::rof::rof::rof:
 
Newlyweds

There was a couple that was recently married. The wife was a famous internationally acclaimed writer and was going on a tour to promote her new book. This was the first time that the couple was going to spend time apart since they were married. The wife had a small dog that she had since she was a young girl and the dog was like a child to her. When she was leaving for her trip her husband assured her that he would take good care of the dog. When the wife arrived at the hotel in London she called her husband and said "Hello, I miss you so much. How is everything?" The husband replied, "I am sorry to tell you this, but your dog passed away." The wife was crying and then the crying stopped and she said "That was terrible of you to tell me that my dog died, you could have broke the news to me in a way that wouldn't upset me so." The husband replied, "Honey, I tried to be a gentle as I could with your feelings, what else should I have done?" She replied, "when I got to London you could have told me that the dog was on the roof and you were doing everything you could to get him down safely. Then when I got to Paris you could have told me that the dog fell off the roof and was in the hospital and the doctors were doing everything they could to take care of him. Then when I got to Rome, you could have told me that the dog passed away and it was his time to be with God. That would have been much better than saying your dog's dead." The husband not wanting to upset his wife further said "I'm sorry, I didn't know what to say, I should have been more considerate of your feelings." They made up and the wife promised to call her husband as soon as she arrived in Paris. The next day when she arrived at the hotel in Paris, she called her husband and said "Hello, I miss you so much. How is everything?" The husband replied, "Honey, I am sorry to tell you this but, your Mother is on the roof." :ywow:
 
Callahan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what Callahan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," he replied, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
 
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One for the blondes...;)

A blonde was speeding down the road in her little red sports car when she was pulled over by a female police officer who also happened to be a blonde...

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's drivers license. So she dug through her handbag and was getting progressively more agitated when she asked, "What does it look like?"...

The policewoman replied, "It's square and has your picture on it"...

The blonde driver eventually found her compact mirror in her purse, looked into it and handed it to the police-woman. "There you go," she said triumphantly...

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, handed it back to her and said, "Sorry, I didn't realise you were a cop".
 
A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with beautiful tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere"

----

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.

The first guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."

The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."

They then asked the woman, "What are you?"

She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
 
Chinese: "Me not come to work, me sick."

Boss: "When I'm sick I have sex with my wife, try it."

Later chinese called back: "It worked. Me better. You got nice house!" :rof:
 
Okay, this is my last. Maybe.

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it.

So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
 
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
 
Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"
 
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem ...

In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself". That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife.

At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?". The man answered, "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
 
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Arrive naked ... with beer.
 

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