Marriage and Crohns

[Kancer]

I like to get some advise from this community on arranged marriages. If I were to not disclose that I have Crohn's and fistulas prior to marriage, would you consider as a betrayal of trust?

I am discreet about my medical conditions that only my immediate family members know and am extremely uncomfortable disclosing given I am concerned it could leak within the community. But revealing it after the marriage could cause trust issues.

 

[curlywurly]

Hi Kancer
I understand your anxiety this is only my opinion but I think you should let your future partner know as Crohns does not go away you may go into remission for a while but you may get a flare or need more treatment for the fistulas.
I know a lot of people are embarrassed about this horrible disease and don't tell people but close relatives need to know so you can get support.
Good luck.

 

[Delta_hippo]

They say a happy wife is a happy life. Don't let the start of your marriage be tainted by distrust. Crohns is an illness where there are times you will be fine and times you'll be leaning on the support of your spouse and it will be much nicer if that's done willingly rather than through gritted teeth. There is so much more to who you are than this illness. Put yourself in your spouse to be's shoes and imagine they had something they weren't sure whether to tell you, would you rather they trusted you with it or sprung it on you later? But I'm saying this from a perspective that isn't from an arranged marriage community. Wishing you all the best with it.

 

[Jo-mom]

So you are speaking of arranged marriages and disclosing the fact that you have crohn's before meeting someone? Am I understanding this correctly? This would be difficult - I would see if I am compatible with the person who I was dating first before disclosing information about my health - when you know that this person has potential as a partner. Normally in a resume, we do not disclose our shortcomings, so in an arranged marriage, it would be a tough one. I'm not familiar but can you actually meet and get to know the person that you have an arrangement with first and then disclose information about your health once you are more sure of this person, or is it a done deal before getting to know one another?

 

[Cross-stitch gal]

I'm in a marriage where before mine all marriages were arranged. In fact, my mother-in-law tried to arrange my husband with someone before he met me. I just talked with my husband as I read this and he says "they don't disclose anything else beforehand so why does this matter"?

I did tell him about UC beforehand, but we were dating beforehand anyway and were already very close as it was. So, I wanted him to know what he was getting himself into. Eventually she will find out. But, I also know that it'd be terribly difficult to talk to someone about it that you've never really met. So, I'd say that you know what's best for you. Sending you lots of hugs...

 

[Kancer]

Am I understanding this correctly? This would be difficult - I would see if I am compatible with the person who I was dating first before disclosing information about my health - when you know that this person has potential as a partner. ... or is it a done deal before getting to know one another?

This is where I am at right now. It might either be an arranged marriage or not. Depends on a variety of things, but if it is arranged, I would not be comfortable at all to disclose this.

 

[Kancer]

I'm in a marriage where before mine all marriages were arranged. In fact, my mother-in-law tried to arrange my husband with someone before he met me. I just talked with my husband as I read this and he says "they don't disclose anything else beforehand so why does this matter"?

I did tell him about UC beforehand, but we were dating beforehand anyway and were already very close as it was. So, I wanted him to know what he was getting himself into. Eventually she will find out. But, I also know that it'd be terribly difficult to talk to someone about it that you've never really met. So, I'd say that you know what's best for you. Sending you lots of hugs...

How would you feel if you were perfectly healthy and your spouse only revealed this issue after marriage? Might help with my thought process. Thanks!!

 

[Jo-mom]

Good question. I think if someone loves you completely, it doesn't matter what they throw at you, however, I do think it is important to reveal conditions of health, especially since they will probably be evident in the future, to your partner before marriage.

 

[Cross-stitch gal]

I agree with Jo-mom. If it helps any, even though I let my husband know about my UC he really didn't understand it until I was in a horrible flare 10 years after we'd been married and it lasted for 2 years.

 

[paddywack]

How would you feel if you were perfectly healthy and your spouse only revealed this issue after marriage? Might help with my thought process. Thanks!!

Do you have the option of interacting with the potential spouse before the arrangement is formalized? I'm sorry I don't know much about the customs for arranged marriages.

If it's a situation where you or the other person could back out without causing a breach before finalizing the arrangement, maybe you could talk to them and try to discern if this is someone you could be comfortable talking to? Try to ask some questions and draw out their viewpoint on health matters without being too specific?

Either way, stress can trigger flares, weddings tend to be stressful, and IBD affects the sexual dynamics of a marriage. So if you're not comfortable bringing it up beforehand, I would expect you may need to bring it up shortly thereafter, especially if you're on any medications?