Question about your sex drive!

[Earnellzwifey]

Me and my husband use to be extremely active in the bedroom. Since getting sicker a few years ago my drive has dropped to almost zero. I so my best to try and please my husband but the desire is just not there anymore.

I have gained a good bit of weight, ironic since I have to go poo directly after every meal and up to 20 times a day. My energy level is in the negative, I mainly stay in bed all day long. I need help with just doing simple stuff like my hair and bathing.

I know have a hemmy and possible abscess that is easily seen when looking at my rear-end. The only position that does not cause me extreme pain is in "doggy style" i feel so unattractive knowing what he has to see. I keep the lights off and try to never do it in the daytime.

He wants me to go on a schedule of having sex at least every 3 days but I can not commit to that because I do not know how I will feel from day to day. He say that he understands how this disease is tearing me down, but I just don't really feel that he truly do.

Does anyone else have a problem like this? Do you have any tips on how to deal with my husband's emotions to this.

Because of my lack of desire he has even hinted to the fact that I might be seeing someone else. Really, who wants a 34 year old female that needs a walker most days, poo all day long, and have lost all my teeth due to another illness and I am unable to wear dentures because I get horrible oral ulcers.

 

[scottsma]

Oh,you poor thing.I can't really advise you on this subject,only to say I think he's being MOST unfair trying to get you to make promises you may not be in a position to keep.You are a sick woman and worrying about his demands is not going to help you at all.You should be concentrating on getting better not worrying about his sex life.Has he visited the doctor with you and told them about HIS NEEDS? I know sex is an important part of any relationship.but what happened to "in sickness and in health"Look after yourself sweetheart,no doubt you will get other replies from ladies who have had similar experiences.

 

[Kev]

If the shoe was on the other foot, you'd be wise to give him the boot. Sexual blackmail is abhorent; especially when one is dealing with chronic health issues. It should never be tolerated, and 'his' feelings are the last thing you should be concerned with. A schedule???
Gimme a break.

 

[ArinMelissa]

It affects me and mine. It seems as if I've got abdominal pain and bloating almost every day which makes me feel completely "un-sexy".

I'm kindof lost on the subject.

 

[honeybeast]

Hi

I personally think your husband is being a little selfish. I am 21 and was diagnosed at 19. Before I became ill I was in what I thought was a 'perfect relationship'. When life seemed amazing I was diagnosed with Crohns Disease and I felt too ill and too ugly to have sex with him at all!... it rolled into nearly a year before we started doing it again ( I didn't actually want to looking thin, pale, and needing the loo all the time I didnt exactly feel sexy at all )...( I think my sex drive hit zero when my periods stopped). I thought he was amazing sticking by me in my time of need.

A few days before Christmas I got a private Facebook message from a young girl saying she has a baby with my boyfriend. He had been having a relationship with her as well as me! and I was devestated!
Starting the new year ill, single and alone i fell into depression. I had no job, no life and no sense of wellbeing. If it wasnt for my mother I wouldnt of took my medicine or even got out of bed! (Dont worry this does end a happy story btw if your still reading). I had a change of meds, diet and regained my strength and weight.

I moved away from my hometown with my parents literally 3 months ago and have met an amazing man who in my eyes is perfect ... i cannot fault him!... yet (hehe). He seems to understand that I can have 'off days' and still has chosen to stick by me.

I just wanted to share with you this little story. I am not saying your husband will go else where for his needs. Im sure he is a loving, nice guy who thinks the world of you. A little advice: Never do anything you dont want to,especially under pressure its not nice, fair and it will most prob push you away from him. Never feel like you have to explain yourself to him on why you dont want to have sex, If your ill your ill and you need to concentrate on getting yourself fit and well again.He should be more concerned about you and your feelings not just his.

All the best and hope you feel better soon :kiss:

 

[AuntieEm]

i don't have an answer but wanted you to know you are far from alone. I'm older {than you} my and DH has seen and done things for me that I never thought in a thousand years he'd have to do. I knew I would probably be more like a caregiver to him in our later years, not this and not now.

I just want you to know not to allow anyone to force you into commitments that you know can't fullfill. I've seen this happen in different areas of life. They then turn this around to make you feel even more of a "failure" in you own eyes when you aren't. It's emotional abuse to do so and some use this method to control others and don't even realize it. It's brought up contstantly to you, makes you feel you aren't worthy of any better among other things.

Just hang in there. Work it out if he's willing. Don't "Make Deals". Your marraige cannot become healthy if you are not.

Hugs hun,
Auntie Em

 

[Earnellzwifey]

Thanks all for the replies! Yesterday was horrible we had a big fight. Today he acting like it was my fault and he did nothing wrong. Anyway thanks again for listening to me. I hope things get better for us.

 

[silvermander]

I hope I don't step on any toes, but your husband sounds a lot like my father. The night my mother got out of the hospital from surgery (that one was gallbladder), my father forced my mother into sex. Knowing what I know now, I'm very happy they're no longer together.

I'm very lucky to be in a relationship, going on five years, with a wonderful man who has been more caring and sympathetic than I thought possible. Growing up with my father, I now understand that not all guys are like that, and my mother telling me to just grit and bear it because you're married is total bull. I'm so glad she understands this as well.

Being as I'm just bouncing back from surgery, and was really looking forward to getting back in the hay, then ended up with an abscess (we named it Albert), I can completely understand why you feel the way you do. While sexual relations are a big part of a marriage, the fact that you're so physically ill that you can barely walk to the potty on your own is more than a reason to say no!

While none of us are telling you what to do, I am telling you that he is treating you very unfairly, and that's something you absolutely don't need when you're in this physical and mental state. If you need anyone to talk to about any of this, don't hesitate to get in touch.

 

[Kev]

I want to apologize. My response wasn't thought out. My anger at your husbands attitude and behaviour made me so mad, I responded out of sheer anger. I don't think my posting was of any practical value. It is just, when I read of some of the things my 'brethern' of the male gender do.... well, I understand why we seem to have such a bad 'rep' in the eyes of women. I will endeavour to keep my feelings in check, and maybe offer something a little more useful.

Ann Landers and Dear Abby (I am not sure which of these sisters came up with this reply first, but it is sage AND concise) would say a couple of things. First, people only do to us what we let them. This holds true for all genders. I was in a relationship. I let myself be deceived, cheated, defrauded, victimized... well, the list went on and on. The thing of it is that love often blinds us to the reality of a situation. I spent years trying to get this person into therapy, counselling, treatment. I thought that, if their behaviour could be 'cured', then our life together would be idyllic. That there was only this small cloud in our lives; and once it was treated/cured, everything else would be fantastic. But I overlooked something. She didn't see her lying, cheating, stealing, gambling, etc., as a problem. Not even her arrests, trials and convictions. Just the opposite. She found the living on the edge, the charades, the lies, the fear of being caught, all of that stuff; as the icing on the cake. How boring and mundane life would be without all the intrigue.
When my eyes finally opened, and I saw the reality, I understood for the very 1st time she would never change; and that the little cloud I saw was actually all encompassing. I then undertook to answer another question those very smart ladies (Ann and Abby) were fond of asking. Would life be better with or without the person in question in it? It can be frightening to face life alone; it can be doubly so.. or even moreso.. when one has a chronic illness. But, the sad truth was... that continuing to live with someone who ... makes our lives worse rather than better... just adds to our problems. We can't make our disease simply go away... but we can face our fears and eliminate the issues we can control. In my case, it was easy. The things she had done to me were illegal. I could pickup the phone, call the police, and with her criminal record, she would be facing a lot of jail time. I told her that I'd had enough... and if she left, I wouldn't file any charges. She did. So, in practical terms only, it was easy. In emotional terms, it was one of the hardest choices I have ever faced. But I did it. Things got better. Fast. I realized, after the fact, that I should have done it much sooner. I've since forgiven her everything she did... but not forgotten. The one fellow I haven't forgiven, the person I'd like to pummel, is me. I let it happen; I was slow to put an end to it, I 'enabled' all of her behaviour, I wasted so much time, effort and money trying to get her treatment.
That is where I am at with it... kicking myself for the blindness, the naivete, the love.

I don't know if this, any of this, has helped you. But, suddenly, I feel a lot better for me.

 

[wild_one353]

foods that contain high levels of melatonin may increase your sex drive, and also may help your intestines heal a bit. try montmorency cherrie juice, its extremely high in melatonin, so is brown rice, but you may not tolerate that very well.

also, getting essential fatty acids is important for proper hormone functioning responsible for sex drive, if you have crohns, that means your ileum is mainly affected, fat is absorbed in the ileum, so highly active disease states decrease your ability to absorb fats,and lead to floating stools or a state called steatorrhea, the excess fat in the stools will float because oil doesnt mix with water and is lighter then water, so it has buoyancy.

essential fatty acids are alpha-linolenic (omega 3), and linoleic (omega 6).
egg yolks, avocados and canola oil should be well tolerated for someone in your condition, other good sources of fats are nuts, but they will be harder for you to digest.

 

[karj]

I also read that celery is good for sex drive! Relationships are a tricky business, I really think only the 2 people a relationship can solve their problems. People can give advice etc. sometimes looking up strategies on 'how to argue' can help. Learning to stick to the point etc. using words like I feel instead of saying things like 'you always' or 'you never'. This worry is not gong to do any good for your health. If I were you I would sit down, write down in point form how this is making you feel, and when your husband is a bit more responsive and has got over being mad with you for the last row, sit down and actually have the thing in front of you. You have to talk. Communication is key.

But I am worried for you, I mean you said you need help with bathing and washing your hair, and he wants you to have sex 3 times a week. I think if you sat down and read your own post again from the outside, and pretend you are someone looking in, you would seriously evaluate this relationship.

 

[Ckt]

Wow. I'm not in a relationship and there are times when I'm very grateful for it. I couldn't imagine being sexually active right now. And I can at least care for myself a bit. Just going to the loo several times a day and smelly like poo no matter how much I wash or how good my hygiene is would be a big deterrent for me!
I can't offer any sage advice about sex right now. To be honest, it's the furthest thing from my mind. I can only imagine in your states what a huge undertaking this would be! Personally,I think your husband is being unreasonable. Surely he see how you struggle?! If it's a chore to drag yourself into the bathroom, surely he can understand being a sex kitten isn't exactly doable?!
Sending love your way!!

 

[Earnellzwifey]

Thanks guys for all the understanding you have given me. His biggest problem is drinking, he don't think when he has had one to many. Like said earlier we had a big fight and Like kev mentioned. My hubby got a checkered past. I had the police take him off for a while and once he came home he has been acting better. Trust me I'm no fool I am going to give him one more try but like so many have already hinted. His treatment mighty be making my recovery harder.

My first husband was worst than him so I keep making excuses, I realize how sad that is. I did re-read my original post and if I would have read that from someone else I probably would have cried for them. Thanks again guys you all just don't know how much it means to me to have people out there that realize we are only human an have limits.

 

[Rosey]

I'm definitely not trying to defend your hubby (since I don't know him and he could be a jerk), but things like that have been said at my house too.

We were married before I got sick and he remembers those times all too well. Now we clash alot about sex. I automatically get defensive when he asks and I normally feel like he's asking way too much from me. But when I take the time to truly hear him, he doesn't mind as much about the physical as I think he does. I'm so embarrassed because I feel unattractive with the scars on my rump from surgeries and the gurgly tummy, but he still desires me!

I'm the same way as you always wanting the lights out and trying to hide under the covers, but it's not necessary. Even when I look a hot mess or I don't feel good, I try to come to terms with the fact that this is my life. I can brush him off for so many other things, but intimacy is the one thing he can only get from me.

We've been married now for 10 years, but we were divorced for a few months and got remarried. I heard something important:
Many women want to have sex after they feel loved but many men feel loved after they have sex.

Anyway, I hope things work out for you. I just wanted to let you know that for me it was easy to look at him as the villian when that wasn't always the case.

 

[Earnellzwifey]

Rosey thank you so much for that post. That is something that I have come to realize over the past few days. we have really sat down and talked things out. I think he understands more from my point of view on the situation and I definitely see things from his perspective.

I love the statement you made:

Many women want to have sex after they feel loved but many men feel loved after they have sex.

Truer words have not been spoken. We came to a compromise on the issue. he know that my energy level is very low right now so the long drawn out 2 to 3 hr sex sessions will only happen when I initiate it.

I know may women wish for long sex but right now i told him if he can just give me a good 5 mins then I would be willing to have sex more often.

He said he does not like th idea of becoming a minute man :lol2: but he understands that when we go to long it only causes me pain and discomfort.

We are still working on those boundaries when he has had a little to much vodka :ybatty: but things are getting better.

 

[Mentor]

Dear Wifey

Too many posters want to throw your husband under the bus. I attribute this to the self righteousness of the young and inexperienced, as well as to the limitations inherent in online forums in general. These people don't know you, your husband, or the broader context of your life. You, outside of your illness, could be Hell on wheels yourself to live with--who knows?. Only the young and naive believe that they can extrapolate a cogent opinion (outside of the specifics of your disease) to the point of essentially telling you to kick the brother to the curb.

Marriage is not shacking up plus. It generally implies a lifelong commitment-- even in these times of hook-ups or friends with benefits arrangements. Living with another human being, no matter how extrinsically compatible we may be with that person, will have its own trials and tribulations--even without the added stress of one spouse's chronic illness. Sex is important in a marriage from a physical as well as spiritual perspective.

Don't let the the arrogance of the inexperienced tell you any different. Don't let the inherent biases of those who can't possibly live in your skin (sister) relegate your husband to the level of a brute, who has no feelings or needs, and should be summarily kicked to the curb, as if he were nothing more than an oversexed buck--who had the gall to want to make love to his wife. He, in his way, and at the level of his understanding of your illness, offered probably what he thought was a reasonable compromise to the frequency of sex with you.

His intimation that you may perhaps be stepping out on him had to have been born out of sheer frustration--the man is human and not an earthbound angle, as some of your advisers up in hear will have you believe he should be. Given the chronic nature of your disease, and how it has already wreaked havoc on your body, the brother full well knows that you are not out there shakin' your leg or givin' it up to Leroy.

The fact that the man desires to make love to you--long and strong--in spite of your self described condition, should give you somewhat of a secure feeling that the brother isn't going anywhere, and it should put a smile--and not a frown--on your face. You and I know, like the other folks don't, that he has chosen to be with you, and the children you brought to the marriage--not the legion of hood rats and chicken heads who would be willing to break him off a piece in a girls-in-the-hood second--even if it were just to annoy you. Apparently he dosn't want the fast and loose--he wants you!

And by the way young lady, you need to restrain your impulse to put the brother's business out on cyber street. Inherent in this form of communication is the fact that these folks cannot know you. Though they certainly can empathize with your condition, they cannot empathize with you, the flesh and blood person. The best that the brightest among them can do is to extrapolate, from what you have written about yourself, and fill in the blanks with their own biases and stereotypes, create a prototype image of who they need to believe you are, in their imagination, and call it you. Then they "empathize" with the you that they have created in their head--and their you ain't you! Your husband loves the you that is you--these people cannot. Respect the man--even behind his back. You chose to marry him; he can't be all that bad.

Don't betray him by trashing him even in cyberspace.
​

Signed: A flesh and blood father, and mentor to a Crohn's sufferer, and a father of 4 adult children (including 2 daughters--one 4 years older than you)​

 

[2thFairy]

Mentor, while I can agree with much that you said, I think your reprimand should have been done in private rather than public. You are new to this forum and need to get a better feel of our community before you get self righteous with your "mentoring" of others here.

I can appreciate that you are a father and a proclaimed mentor, but I suggest you go a bit slower before spanking others publicly. I think you wished to be informative and shed light on a senstive matter that could have been approached in a better way, but you come across in this post as insulting. I suggest you take a breath...

I suspect you and I are similar in age. I totally get where you are coming from. I think you can be very valuable to us here. Just be careful or you will ostricize yourself before you have even gotten started.

 

[madferrit]

Dear Wifey

Too many posters want to throw your husband under the bus. I attribute this to the self righteousness of the young and inexperienced, as well as to the limitations inherent in online forums in general. These people don't know you, your husband, or the broader context of your life. You, outside of your illness, could be Hell on wheels yourself to live with--who knows?. Only the young and naive believe that they can extrapolate a cogent opinion (outside of the specifics of your disease) to the point of essentially telling you to kick the brother to the curb.

Marriage is not shacking up plus. It generally implies a lifelong commitment-- even in these times of hook-ups or friends with benefits arrangements. Living with another human being, no matter how extrinsically compatible we may be with that person, will have its own trials and tribulations--even without the added stress of one spouse's chronic illness. Sex is important in a marriage from a physical as well as spiritual perspective.

Don't let the the arrogance of the inexperienced tell you any different. Don't let the inherent biases of those who can't possibly live in your skin (sister) relegate your husband to the level of a brute, who has no feelings or needs, and should be summarily kicked to the curb, as if he were nothing more than an oversexed buck--who had the gall to want to make love to his wife. He, in his way, and at the level of his understanding of your illness, offered probably what he thought was a reasonable compromise to the frequency of sex with you.

His intimation that you may perhaps be stepping out on him had to have been born out of sheer frustration--the man is human and not an earthbound angle, as some of your advisers up in hear will have you believe he should be. Given the chronic nature of your disease, and how it has already wreaked havoc on your body, the brother full well knows that you are not out there shakin' your leg or givin' it up to Leroy.

The fact that the man desires to make love to you--long and strong--in spite of your self described condition, should give you somewhat of a secure feeling that the brother isn't going anywhere, and it should put a smile--and not a frown--on your face. You and I know, like the other folks don't, that he has chosen to be with you, and the children you brought to the marriage--not the legion of hood rats and chicken heads who would be willing to break him off a piece in a girls-in-the-hood second--even if it were just to annoy you. Apparently he dosn't want the fast and loose--he wants you!

And by the way young lady, you need to restrain your impulse to put the brother's business out on cyber street. Inherent in this form of communication is the fact that these folks cannot know you. Though they certainly can empathize with your condition, they cannot empathize with you, the flesh and blood person. The best that the brightest among them can do is to extrapolate, from what you have written about yourself, and fill in the blanks with their own biases and stereotypes, create a prototype image of who they need to believe you are, in their imagination, and call it you. Then they "empathize" with the you that they have created in their head--and their you ain't you! Your husband loves the you that is you--these people cannot. Respect the man--even behind his back. You chose to marry him; he can't be all that bad.

Don't betray him by trashing him even in cyberspace.
​

Signed: A flesh and blood father, and mentor to a Crohn's sufferer, and a father of 4 adult children (including 2 daughters--one 4 years older than you)​

Hmm i do believe you have done exactly the same as what you have accused others of doing by trying to fill in the blanks of what the husband is like. You cant possibly know him or what he exactly meant by his words as none of us were present during the conversation or know anything about their private life.

Therefore i feel you have been hypocritical in your assumptions that we who have had more interaction with this lady know nothing about her character but yet you know that her husband was well meaning and that she has betrayed him. You have jumped to conclusions and filled in the gaps with what you believe to be true about them both.
We are here to offer a friendly shoulder to cry on and a sympathetic ear, not to judge. I feel you have judged us all very harshly especially this lady- who here- is amongst friends & should be able to express her feelings without reprimand.

 

[Spooky1]

Wow, Mentor, talk about coming on strong there, lighten up buddy please!!! Anyone can ask advice. Poor wifey just gave me a jog down memory lane. OMFG, the pain. Even if i was feeling like it i must say the pain once we got started was far too much to bear. Sometimes for us sex can be impossible. it does deserve understanding. I certainly do. I also remember doggy position being the best position and embraced it really. It was a bit of a saving grace. other times there were no issues and sex can be wonderful even if you do have crohns.

Wifey, I understand you there. Mind, i'm virtually through menopause and have an exceptionally low libido, just as well im not in a relationship anymore. But crohns is definitely one of the reasons i refused to get married, its so hard to feel sexy and live a full relationship when you have such an illness.

Good luck Wifey.

 

[AlliRuns]

The fact that he would hint that you were seeing somebody else when going through all that is just a low blow! I am so sorry you are going through that. I can relate though, when I saw my GI doc last week he wanted to make sure I didn't have an ectopic pregnancy, and then I had to go through the painful discussion of in order to be pregnant, one must have sex and it has been almost a year.. then he seemed embarrassed that he even asked.

 

[Earnellzwifey]

Thanks all for the replies. Mentor I understand your point of view. But that is the reason you have to b a member f this forum and have a log in and password, so that everybody not in your business. So I am amongst friends we just talk through the Internet.
I needed to vent and I knew my CD family would understand, maybe it's a girl thing.

As a update I just had a hysterectomy and he has to wait till jan 22,2013 before we can have sex again. I feel bad for him, but he has been more understanding since the surgery.

 

[legacywwe]

My GF was diagnosed at 19. She's now 24. I relate to this post a lot. Since symptoms and diagnosis very limited activity in bedroom. It's a long story but she went off meds at one point and lost a lot of weight. Went to about 38kg. She put this weight on but too quickly and now is kind of overweight. She has a stressful job that is full time and I think this doesn't help either.