Relationships

[bigpmc]

Hi all,

I was just wondering how you deal with the pressures that crohns places on a relationship. I ask because i have been living with my partner for 2 years, and my illness started about a year and a half ago. Dont get me wrong, my girlfriend has always been very supportive, but i worry that everything seems to revolve around me, how im feeling, how bad my symptoms are, in short i worry that this leaves no attention for my girlfriend. So how do you guys deal with the pressures upon relationships?

Any help/advice greatly appreciated

 

[jed]

2 words

flowers chocolates


and a few more words,
a lot of the time life is going to have to be about you, and when its not you'll probably be discussing the times when life wa harder.

crohnic illness's do take up a lot of some ones life, and those surrounding them are often affected as well.

best thing i've found is to make them know how bloody appreciated their help and support is, without them life would be much more difficult.

and although it is very time consuming to have a disease like this, push yourself every so often to do something really special for them. doesnt have to be anything huge, but it really does show appreciation when you give something back.

 

[bigpmc]

Thank you Jed, I do try to show my appreciation, but I always get the feeling that it isnt enough. Atleast she knows that if the situation were reversed I would offer her the same love and support she has given me

 

[jed]

we have to live with the disease, and they have to live with us living with the disease.

sometimes i dont know what would be worse?

like you said, if the situation was reversed, then like you my wife would know i'd do the same for her.

but unless that ever happens, we'll nver know exactly what they are going thru.

looking at your photo, your a young guy like myself (i'm barely scraping in to young now), and if your partners the same age, the she will be having a very different life to what she maybe would've at this age.

i'm not saying we're holding them back, but at some stages i wonder if they think "why am i doing this". like you i often wonder if i do enough in return:*(

but they stay with us they love us and we return that love as best we can.

make everything count on the good days my friend! cause the others may be a bit crappy

best wishes

 

[butt-eze]

Just the fact that you're concerned that she isn't getting enough attention is a great sign. She must love you to stick with you through the rough part of diagnosis, etc. When you are feeling good make sure you show her how much you appreciate her.

Within a day the way I'm feeling can drastically change. So, if I suddenly feel a brief period of feeling ok I will get off my bum and clean the house, start a load of laundry, etc. Do what you can when you can.

No worries! You are loved and if it's true love it's unconditional.

 

[Guest]

hi Bigpmc

i could just say ditto ditto, as everyone so far has said exactly what i was thinking lol..

people who truly love us will stick by our side through thick and thin, and take us lumps scars and all. its part of love.

yep, make sure she knows how important and appreciated she is, and when you do feel ok, try & turn around the attention to her - even if its just a stroll in the park & treating her to afternoon tea in a cafe - doesn't need to be big energetic things to show you love her.

plus, bear in mind, both of you, that Crohns can calm down and give you a decent quality of life between the bad times.

 

[BWS1982]

I'm in complete agreeance with the sentiments from the other patients here, I often doubt the integrity of my girlfriends will to put up with this disease but only because at the worst times we both let Crohns get the best of us. I know it greatly affects her, and she is aware of the weight on my shoulders that I feel because I feel this disease strips me of all that I hold dear in life. In the end, she's still there, and has been supportive through some of the worst times. If she's faultered in that, I can only chalk it up to simple human stress, and I can attest to such stress myself when I feel like giving up on Crohns at times. Like Butteze, I try to take advantage of those times when I feel up to getting some stuff done too.

And my girlfriends a rare one, she dislikes almost all chocolate. Stargazer Lillies will do though.

 

[Creepy Lurker]

This is a depressing topic.

I became unwell. She reeled out 'It's not you it's me' and buggered off. Never forgiven her for it.

Worst part it she recently got back in touch just to let me know she's getting married. I didn't really need to know.

*sigh*

 

[bigpmc]

God im sorry to hear that, but i suppose if she was that way inclined then if you didnt get ill, something else wouldve cropped up in life, she would probably have reacted the same then.

Better off without her if she wasnt prepared to take the rough with the smooth-i know its easy to say but its true

 

[Guest]

aw sorry Creepy, that must have hurt - twice! but i'd agree that she wasn't the right girl for you, if that was how she reacted, and would probably have opted out over something else down the line.

my ex used to moan about me and my "bloody illness". notice the word ex in there..

 

[Kev]

No mistake about it, relationships can be the casualties of this disease. I wish that I had an answer, or advice to give. I don't. For once, I'm at a loss for words/ideas.

Just wish I had.. I dunno... some clue as to what it would take to help a relationship survive something like this. the question that haunts me is.. Was there something I could have done, should have done.. and the damnable part is I don't have an answer.. and I have to come to terms with my maybe never having one. That is the most difficult pill I've ever had to swallow, and it just keeps regurgitating. How many times can you ask yourself a question knowing you may never find the answer? I don't know.. I've lost track. that's the worst part.. without that answer, its very hard to find closure. and creepy, you are right.. this is a depressing topic. Still, it's a genuine question.. Wish I could help

 

[Isla]

Yes it is a depressing topic. When I was going through my other medical issues my mother told me no one would want me while I was in a wheelchair (even though I was married at the time.) I think the medical stuff did put a strain on the relationship but I never once believed a relationship could not thrive with a life like mine. I still believe that the medical issues don't matter, it's the person that does. The last guy I dated had cerebral palsy and he has gone through a lot more medical crap than me. So coming from the point of the medical mishap and dating another medical mishap - it doesn't really effect the bond, or relationship itself. You either make a terrific couple or you don't - the cause of WHY you don't is pretty moot.

 

[BWS1982]

I keep replaying in my head what one of my good friends said a while back when I thought things would end up bad because of Crohns and my relationship, and it's simple and obvious really....If you can survive this together that should mean you can survive anything together. It's cliche as it is at face value, but I believe that Crohns is one of those relationship factors that isn't controllable (in many patients cases, who are not responding to treatments)....it's not undoable or something you can fix (yet). You can't kiss and make up and put it behind you.

 

[GregD]

My experience on this subject hasn't been great. My girlfriend of over 4 years left me about a year after I started having symptoms and a week after my diagnosis. She claims it had nothing to do with my disease or the way it had altered my lifestyle. I don't believe her though.

 

[Ace]

i went through a marriage as well with it. If crohnes would come up she would just say there's always something, and of course when she left one morning with our 1 year old baby , not even telling our 8 yr old son, as she boarded the greyhound bus to run off to her new lover i got the old " it isn't you, its me." which was as good as when she left after my diagnosis 6 yrs ago she told me she had to find herself. gimme a break we all know what they say about excuses!!? I have a new partner now we have been together for a year and the hardest part i am having is, is having someone who actually cares, she is so wonderful and i am such an a$$ sometimes, I have worried about the same thing as you bigpmc but if she truly loves you she will be there. I was so worried about it that i actualy talked to her about it, if you can maybe try that, i know it made me feel a lot better, and like they say, chocolate, flowers, housework and laundry, man if you can do any of those when you are feeling good it'll make her beam and beam.

take care everyone

 

[katiesue1506]

I was diagnosed three months after my boyfriend and I had started dating. It was very tough, but he was just a trooper through it all. We've been together 2 years next month.

I think that a relationship can survive regardless of any ailments, you just have to realize that even though you are suffering, they are too. You have to really take a big gulp of humility and just be strong and even though you may be worse off than them, realize that they need love and attention too.