Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired, My Illnesses are taking over my life.

[Drkangel050486]

:depressed:
As people have said, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. When I was diagnosed with Crohn's, I was scared, I was told it was permanent but managable, and this was in March 07. I have noticed as time passes my health is deteriorating more and more. Since being sick I have went out a couple of times, trying to convince myself that I am fine and I can still have a life, but almost everytime after maybe an hour I was leaving because the pain had started and I would begin to get sick. Before I was diagnosed with Crohn's , I had already been diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder and Depression, but it wasn't too severe. It seems recently between all my ailments they are taking over my life. They have taken over who I was, I am not the same person anymore. July is when the sickness really took over, I have been in and out of hospitals 4 times each time at least 5 day stays not including all the times I had to go in same day surgeries (more like procedures), I have been through multiple surgeries and procedures. And still everyday I struggle just to get out of bed, forget even taking care off all my responsibilities. The pain is constant, it seems as if nothing is helping, I just keep having to see doctor after doctor, trying medication after medication and nothing has helped me cope with the unbearable pain of this illness, and the severe depression that has come over me, except my awesome husband Matt, My Son Jonathan, and my family and friends, my support system.

I miss living life, I miss being able to go out, even if it meant just going to the mall, or going to hang out at a friends house. I miss laughing and having a sense of humour, being a dumb ass as my friends now I am quite and sarcastic asshole, I MISS BEING ME, I feel this illness has completely stripped me of who I was, and I hate what I am starting to become. I miss even being able to get up and do my cleaning and the dishes, just all the things people see as a pain in the ass I miss them. Since my illness, my depression and anxiety have become way more serious then ever before, I feel useless to everyone in my life, Sometimes I wish I could just numb myself and not feel anymore, I will maybe have one day a week where I can actually get up and have some energy just to do some dishes, or do the laundry. As of now I am still unable to work, due to my Crohn's disease and my severe depression. I feel so alone sometimes, and just wish I could go back some how and not have developed this disease but that is impossible to do.

My Husband Matt always tries to make me think positive and tries to give me hope that it will eventually get better, he is one of the most understanding/helpful/loyal/loving people I have ever met. Since July especially he helps more then ever with Jon, it is like I am handicapped, Jonathan asks me on a daily basis if I am still sick? When will Mommy be better? Imagine having your mom having to tell you since July that she is sick please just let her rest, it makes me feel terrible that i cannot be the mother that i was before July and I was so proud of myself, Which makes me feel even more guilty. We used to have a family night at least twice a week where, Me, Matt, and Jon, would rent movies, play board games and just hangout and be silly, just good quality time, which meant so much to us. Now when he wants to play board games with me it is in bed or on the couch so I could be in some kind of comfortable position ( which is virtually impossible) but I try.

Being this sick makes you feel like a failure in every aspect of your life, you feel guilt for not being as helpful or energized as you were, you feel guilt when your baby wants to go out and I cannot even manage to get out of bed, you feel like a failure when you cannot even bring your own child trick or treating because the pain is just so unbearable. I felt I was doing so good with Jonathan and Matt before this, but still no matter what I find the time to sit with Jon every night and do his homework with him and let him read to me, which makes me happy, I love to see how great he is doing in school, meaning we are doing something right, Jon's and Matt's hugs seem to make the pain disappear if only for a second, it is worth it.

The last three weeks have been hell, I have literally only been out of bed, to bring jon to school, pick him up, and do his homework with him, even though Matt works crazy long hard days he will still come home and make me lay down or cook dinner or do whatever he can to help me which I appreaciate more than he knows. I have not left my home in three weeks. It is horrible besides the pain just to feel this kind of wierd overwhelming fear just thinking about doing dishes or getting dressed and leaving the house, the simplest things are like torture for me. I hate that I know I cannot work and be helpful. I just wish this pain would end, and I believe I have finally hit rock bottom. Always worrying about my health, about what will I do for money if I am unable to work, I am just so scared and so tired of feeling this way. And if they tell me this is how it will always be I cannot even imagine living life like this forever.

My family is the only thing that helps me get through a day.....I just miss so many people and so many friends and wish I could just see their faces and talk to them and see how they are, but even that seems like a challenge, it seems all anyone ever talks to me about is my health which I hate, dont get me wrong I know people worry, but I feel horrible and think horrible things, most of the time I just try to pretend I feel okay so that I dont have to deal with the conversations or the reality of how I feel like it will never end. I just want help, I need help, and do not know where to find it. I have been referred to Pyschiatrists, Pyschologists, and GI Specialists and every other doctor in the book which I do have to see, but still have not made the appointments.......

Just so everyone important to me knows, I love you guys so Much, Especially My Husband Matt, and Jonathan My Little Man, And my Family and Friends, and I am so sorry I have become distant and I just dont want anyone to take it personal, everyday of my life has become challenge.....I dread waking every morning, I wish I could just close my eyes and wake up feeling at least a little normal. I just Hope I make it through this process......I do not want to give up, but it is so hard living like this, being so useless. I feel like I am stuck in a deep black hole and just cannot even climb half way up, it feels like I fall deeper and deeper into it as each day passes. I just hope and pray very soon that someone can help me. I just need help in the worst way, I cannot stand the constant pain anymore or the vomiting on a daily basis. Just Need Some Help, and hope it comes sooner then later. I Love My Family and Friends and here you go this is a little portion of how I have been feeling, there is so much more in detail but this is basically my life as of now.

P.S. One of the saddest thing to me, is that Matt and I probably had a good month after the marriage before all of this had started he has not caught a break since my sickness, He tries his best to help me in every way possible, he drains all he has just to try to help me feel better and to keep Jon and I happy. And I love him so much and appreciate all he has done, He always tells me " I said for better for worse, for sickness and in health and I meant it," He is an angel, but sometime no matter how much good is in your life you still keep falling farther and farther and start to lose all hope. But I will Make it, I must tell Myself that every morning, every second of every day, that soon I will be better, and be able to enjoy my amazing son and husband and even my friends or at least I can maybe try to convince myself that, but most of the time the other part of me says fuck the pain, fuck the depression just stop it all and let me live numb, let me just please lead a some what normal life, cause quite honestly I cannot stand this anymore. I can't!​

 

[Sojourn]

drkangel,

I wish there were some words that I could share to help ease your emotional and physical pain. I hope knowing that I, and others here who have experienced some of the same feelings, are here to listen and perhaps understand better than those who do not know this disease. I have been through the depths of depression over it and have forfeited a life, that I would have lived without the disease, for something that I feel is much less.

While I am not the perfect, or even good, example of a Godly or spiritual person, I feel that there must still be some purpose to my life and some good that can come out of living with this disease. That is the only thing that has kept me going at times.
I hope you too will find the strength within, or beyond, you to carry through. Thanks for sharing your story.

 

[katiesue1506]

I kinda understand what you are talking about as far as the relationship goes because I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease 3 months after we started dating... I didn't want him to feel that he had to stay with me just because I was sick. But it's not like that at all. He truly does love me and wants to be there... and from what you are saying, your husband wants to be there too.

As much as Crohn's Disease takes an emotional toll our our bodies and minds... it affects them emotionally too. I've learned that you have to approach it with humor... you gotta make light of your dark or else you will never see light again. All I can say is to keep remaining strong. Keep fighting, and don't look at yourself as a failure. You are far from that... you are a fighter... and can be a better one with positive thoughts and a little bit of humor.

I hope this helps a bit... good luck with everything!

Katie

 

[Kev]

Hey darkangel. Welcome to the forum. Here's hoping that joining our little family will in some way help. Reading your post, I couldn't help be touched by what you wrote. It reminds me of the place I was in not too long ago, despite some REALLY vast differences between you and I. neverending pain, no light at the end of the tunnel. Really dark place... been there, done that, don't ever want to go back. If I could, I would give everything I have for a magic wand or an alladins lamp to make this disease dissappear for each N everyone of us. If only I could. I can't, but maybe I can shed a little lite on your part of the world. I know this may come across as cruel, unkind, hopefully just a kick in the pants.
you are in a dark place, but you have to take stock and realize it could be much much worse. What am I talking about. The disease has taken a lot away from you, but your own words talk so lovingly about the things you still have in it.. your husband and son. When I was barely 7, my mom was diagnosed with an incurable form of cancer (so it was thought at the time, but she did beat it). I've a first hand insight into what a child feels when they think they might lose their mother... believe me, you don't want jon to experience that. I also ended up raising my kids on my own.. I know first hand what it's like to raise children with absolutely no help, no support, no one to turn to. it's not easy, in facts its the tuffest thing I've ever faced. By comparison, this disease is childs play. my point? you don't want matt to wind up in that situation. Take my word on it.. The reason I say all of this, is that you've got to realize that 'our' disease isn't typically a killer, but inaction, depression, letting it take controll can kill one. It's no exaggeration.. You mentioned referrals to pyschiatrists, psychologists, GI's, but not about making/keeping appointments. Why? What are you waiting for?
The pain to ease off by itself? That's not going to happen. You've got to make it happen. you've got to work thru the pain.. you got to see these specialists. you've got to make happen the break you are waiting for. no one else can do it for you. Recall my mother, diagnosed with terminal cancer... 45 years later she was rushed here to undergo heart surgery. I HAD to visit her, just in case. It took me 1/2 dozen aborted attempts, all due to this damned disease, before I managed the 20 minute trip. I got there, was only able to manage 1/2 visit, but I managed. Again, despite the odds, she pulled thru. I also recall similar episodes trying to see doctors, a couple of multi hour nitemares in emergency rooms waiting to get some relief from the pain.. anyway, enuff about me. You don't need to relive my life... You need to put these dark thoughts out of your mind, look at the great positives around you, and realize that to protect them AND yourself you have to turn that pain, that depression, into something that will improve your situation. Fight the depression, fight the disease, turn what you are feeling into anger.. Get angry at these things, fight the good fight. You started off great by coming here... now make those appointments, keep them, and start adding some reinforcements to your battle with these diseases, OK?

Look, I hope I didn't come across too harsh.. I hope this helps. I simply had to say these things... just because your situation reminds me of the one I was in.

Take care, keep us posted...

 

[hanaa al baydany]

Moments of happiness and studying with yr child. But remember as there is night there is day light. .and the deep darkness the sun will rise. Life is not constant. Eventually there will drugs it end our sadness and pain. God examine our tolerance.
U know that if I look to my case, I will not stopping from crying. I am a mother with three wonderful children married with a professor doctor in the best medical school in Egypt. Will not tell that we where the most happy family in Cairo but a family like any other family in the world that sometimes problem but not big ones. All of the sudden he had heart arrest. And during this Knew that he remarried- our religion put several conditions for the second marriage-. What could do u if u where in my cases? He did so without looking or thinking about his children‘s future. I took the decision for divorce. And I got. Now I am raising my children alone.
From the other point, I my country there no information about this desises which I was diagnosed after 3yrs of divorce. People see that I am depressed from divorcee. Its normal colon problems all the Egyptians have it.
Thanks God my parents, children and his friends doctors r supporting me. But I still have fear for not be able to raise them. But I remove it immediately out of my head by saying what God wants will be.
Sorry for telling my circumstances but my aim is to see that we all have problems. And we r here to take care of each other although the distance.

 

[Guest]

drkangel. your post has made me cry. for you, for me, for everyone who has felt how you are feeling now about their lives with crohns, and other conditions.

you worded it so well - and i've been there, i know exactly what you mean.

be strong girl.

dingbat.

 

[hanaa al baydany]

thank u dingbat very much. we have to stop crying and fyghting cronh's with all power,Ans surounding our kids and loved ones with so much love. Love does'nt need to much energy, but needs a big heart which can give emotions.And to pray to scientist to find a new effeceint drug to end our suffering.
Thanks again for supporting each other.

 

[Cog]

drkangel there is light - many of us have gone through this and having a supportive family around you really helps. You will find ways to control this disease and discover a new normal way of life.

Thinking of you

 

[jhunton]

There's Hope, Just hang on.

While reading your post this morning, it almost brought me to tears. I can identify with you in most respects. Although I'm a man, this disease strikes us both and has the same effect. I was worried too about your mental health here. I have been down that long-dark road of depression, about as far as you can go and still be around to tell about it. I too have a VERY supportive and loving spouse (Thank God!). I dare not say that I KNOW what you're going through but, I am willing to wager that there are MANY people on this forum and elsewhere who, through their own suffering, understand your emotional state.

Please hang on, don't give up! I will tell you that I found my strength in God. No, he has not cured me but, I suppose, he has helped me deal with it differently and to see things through different eyes. I still have days when I feel like it's not worth it - but through the Lord, I am able to draw strength. If you would like to talk about this further, please feel free to email me. If not, that's OK, I just hope that you find your strength and get to the point where you know that life is worth living, even if it is with a painful disease.