Venting & need help about my brother

[Cat-a-Tonic]

My mom told me not to tell anyone about this, but this forum is fairly anonymous and I just really need to vent about this. So here goes. I warn you, this is probably going to be long.

This is about my brother. He's my only sibling, and he's the baby. Growing up, my parents were pretty strict with me and were very easy on him. As a result, I grew up into a responsible and mature adult. My brother turned into a flaky dreamer. He is very impulsive too, and hops from one bad idea to another (for example, he wanted to buy a run-down house in a really bad neighborhood, fix it himself, and make buckets of money selling it - except he has no money in the first place, and he knows nothing about fixing any part of a house - he said he'd just "figure it out as he went along" - ha!). He borrowed a bunch of money from my parents to buy a car and a computer, and it took him several years to even begin paying them back and he still owes them thousands (he literally paid them back about $50 in the entire first year he had the car). He has really, really needed to grow up for a long time.

So in the past 6 months to a year, he actually has started to grow up a little bit. He got a fairly decent (though temporary) job and started paying my parents back some of the money he owes them. He applied to the air force and got a 99 out of 100 on his entry test - good enough for him to pick whatever job he wanted in the air force (he chose something to do with the space program). And last month, he shipped out to air force basic training.

He made it halfway through, and although he sounded tired and beat when he'd call my mom to check in with her, it sounded like he was still doing really good at basic. Until last night. I guess they put him on "medical hold," whatever that is, because he's been sleepwalking (probably due to the high-stress environment). Apparently he's been doing it frequently and they've determined that he may be a threat to himself or others while he's sleepwalking, so now he's not going to graduate from basic training with the rest of his unit, if he even graduates at all. He thinks that he's going to be discharged completely from the military and he's really depressed.

Now, my brother has suffered from depression for most of his life. He's threatened suicide in the past and a few years ago he told me that age 25 "sounds like a good age to go out on". (He turns 25 next week.) So I'm really, really worried about him. He finally started to act like an adult and was doing well and I thought the military was going to keep him going on the path to being a responsible adult - now I'm concerned that he may be a threat to himself, not because of sleepwalking but because he's really depressed about probably being discharged from the air force. I don't know what to do and there's nothing I can do for right now because he's still in the medical area at his boot camp. They haven't made a final decision yet whether or not to discharge him.

I just feel so helpless! On one hand I want to rush to my baby brother's aid, but on the other hand, I want him to continue being a mature adult and to be able to get through this on his own and become stronger because of it. I'm just so scared that he won't be able to and that he'll stay depressed or hurt himself. Has anybody else had a similar experience with a loved one? If so, did you back off and let them deal with it, or did you rush to help, or a combination of the two? I was thinking of offering my brother the spare bedroom in my house if he gets kicked out of the military, so I could keep an eye on him, but he has to be on his own eventually, and he's already almost 25 and can't live with his family forever. I just don't know what to do! What do I do?

 

[Astra]

Hiya

The first thought that came into my head was 'all men are 7' !
He's only 25, still a babby
Get him home, get him some help, get him back on track, then chuck him out!
If you don't help, and something happens, you'll never forgive yourself, ever!
If it doesn't work out, and he just bums around at your place, then you can say at least I tried
I wish you luck!
xxxx

 

[Cat-a-Tonic]

Joan, I do think you're right about all men being 7! Thanks for responding. I feel better just for getting all that out there. I don't know for sure if my brother will come to live with me. He was living with our parents before he went into the military, and I don't think he wants to go back to living with them. Although our mom is retired, so she could watch over him and make sure he's okay during the day - if he came to live with me, both I and my husband work, so he'd be home alone until (if) he got a job. I don't know if I like the thought of leaving him alone all day when he's so depressed. There don't seem to be many options though.

I feel bad for him too because he gave up everything to join the military - he even gave away his dog, who was his best buddy. The dog has already been adopted out so he can't get him back at this point. I know that was heartbreaking for him to have to do, but he wanted to be in the air force so badly... argh! It's just such a frustrating situation! I just wish things would work out to where he could stay in the air force.

 

[Astra]

It is heartbreaking that for him, but some things were not meant to be, and maybe this isn't his destiny?
Everything happens for a reason.
And.. you never know, maybe he'll get a grounded job, a mecanic maybe or a desk job?
You'll have to sit tight and see what they come up with
Try not to worry, you're gonna make yourself poorly
xxx

 

[DustyKat]

Hey Cat,

Whoa, you're sure in a hard place.

I get the sort of person your brother is and how frustrating it is for you to watch all the stuff that goes on between him and your parents, aarrrrrrgggghhh.

I think if it were me I would wait it out at this point because you still don't know what the air force is going to do. However while you are waiting formulate your back up plan. I agree with Joan, if he gets discharged, you don't help and something happens, will you be able to live with that. Maybe knowing he has somewhere to go if he is discharged will lighten his burden a bit. If you do take him in, as hard as it is, I think you will need to establish very clear boundaries as to what is expected of him and how long you are willing to allow him to stay. If, heaven forbid, it fails after all of this then you have done all you can, you both have to move on. Remember, you have your own issues to deal with and this added stress will impact on you so it needs to be for a finite period of time.

This is very difficult for me say to you but at the end of the day you can only do so much for your brother. At some point he will have to take responsibility for his treatment and how he lives his life and whatever the outcome you are not responsible for his decisions or actions.

You are in my thoughts and prayers Cat. :hug:
Dusty


You two were quick with the responses! Nah, just me being slow again!

 

[ameslouise]

I concur with Joan - she gives the best advice!

I can sense your heart breaking in reading your post - I hope everything turns out okay. Big hugs to you and your brother - good luck - please stop back and let us know how it turns out.

- Amy

 

[Cat-a-Tonic]

Thanks Joan, Dusty, and Amy. I already started to form a plan - we've got a spare bedroom, and my husband said it's fine with him if my brother were to come and stay with us for a little while. We both agreed that we wouldn't charge him rent, we'd just ask him to contribute towards the food budget and help with chores and little things like that. I still don't know if/when he's being discharged, but it feels good to have something of a plan in place. Dusty, you're right about setting clear boundaries and ground rules, I'll have to think more on that.

Joan, he was already trying for a job on the ground, he didn't want to fly. He applied for something having to do with NASA but not actually to be an astronaut, I think it was more like being an engineer or working with NASA's computers. I don't know for sure because the process was that he had to tell them his top 3 job choices (all were NASA-related), and whenever one of those jobs opens up then he gets it. So I'm not sure which job it would have ended up being. But now it sounds like he may not even be able to do that because of the sleepwalking.

My husband was in the army years ago, and he said that lots of military guys sleepwalk - apparently they're just under so much stress during basic training that it's a common reaction. But most guys don't get put on a medical hold for it, so my brother's sleepwalking must be pretty bad. They didn't say if he's talking or what he's doing when he sleepwalks, so I don't know the details. I do wish I knew more so I wouldn't be so worried! But you guys have been really helpful and supportive, and I thank you all so much for that.

 

[belle1999]

Cat, I totally agree with Joan and it sounds like you are getting a good plan in place. Maybe just knowing the offer is out there will help him a bit and then if he does come home he has a good reliable person to turn to. You can see how he is when he actually does get back and then you can plan where to take it from there. Good luck!! Big, big hugs!!

 

[Crohn's 35]

Hey Cat you are a great sister! Truely his life should be his worry not yours. Take it from me that when you do too much for anyone, they tend to not try. My daughter was taking the route that SHE wanted to do, so fine I let her be, now she is back in university going for medical school when she graduates from University courses. The less I did, the more she realized poverty sucks and was NOT going that route. Now I barely do anything for her and she is doing it all! I am proud of her. Your brother has to help himself, sometimes helpers give them too much of a crutch. Let us know how things go and DONT you worry ok? You have your health to deal with.

 

[kello82]

whatever you decide to do, whether you offer him assistance or not.
be sure to show your love for him clearly. that if he were dead, it would break his sister's heart. be SURE he knows that and feels that.
its far easier to be ok with hurting yourself and/or ending your life then it is to be ok with hurting those you love dearly.
sometimes not wanting them to feel that pain is the only thing that keeps one from doing something like that.
and i think thats ok if thats the only reason for a time.
just make sure he knows it.

 

[Entchen]

Hi, Cat
So sorry for your brother possibly having to leave a dream career. If you believe there is even a tiny possibility that your brother might harm himself, please seek professional help. If you are not at liberty to tell his physician in the air force about your concerns, then a GP can be a good first place to start (s/he can give a referral if needed). Counselling can be a big help through a time of transition whether he is depressed or not. I saw a clinical psychologist a few times this spring (being laid off + in process of being diagnosed with Crohn's) and found it very helpful.

[Disclosure about source: I have degrees in psychology, but not in a clinical or counselling field.]

 

[Cat-a-Tonic]

Thanks Belle, Pen, Kello and Kelly. I talked with my mom today and it's official - my brother is being medically discharged and he'll be back home next week sometime. Fortunately, he's in good spirits and he's looking forward to things. He said that at least his month in the military got him a free haircut, free glasses, he got a mole removed for free, and he is a lot more disciplined and doesn't sleep till noon anymore! He wants to get a job and go back to school (he dropped out of college after 3 semesters). So he'll most likely be coming to live with us for a little while since I'm in a bigger city than my parents and there's more job and school opportunities here. I'm just so glad he's not depressed and instead he's looking forward to going back to school - that's such a relief! Now I just have to keep an eye on him to make sure he's not sleepwalking here or that he's safe if he does sleepwalk. Thanks again everyone for your replies and for keeping me and my brother in your thoughts - you are all the best!

 

[Entchen]

This sounds so positive, Cat! Thanks for the update.

 

[Jerman]

Hi Cat, at the risk of being the rogue of the group, i must say that i see things a bit different here. Joanie- for shame, all men are 7, many of us are boneheads but there are adult males who strive to be the best they are able.

Cat, from the perspective of someone who has depression and walked through more than my share of hell, i have a very different perspective here.

Depression is not a game, or a slacker's way of guaranteeing lots of daytime tv. it is just as much as medical condition as is crohns, cancer, or anything else that may manifest itself in more of a physical manner. However, depression and manipulation do not always go hand in hand to the dance. Just because someone has depression does not mean that they are a slacker, it is a chemical imbalance that unfortunately gets treated with a bit of a social stigma. depression also doesn't mean crazy, but can certainly affect a persons ability to function with even the smallest daily tasks.

This being said, it does sound as though your bro has some challenges with attention getting and impulse control. the comment about 25 seems like a good age rings of the former and buying a house to fix with no handyman skills definitely smells of impulsiveness.

I would recommend setting him up with a doc before he even gets into a routine at your home and reviewing the need for medical intervention. Additionally, as there seems to be a maturity/attention getting element, I would write a formal contract with him that respectfully addresses concerns and committs him to both seeking active treatment and accomplishing specific tasks during the day when you and hubby are at work. Be clear that this is a transition and not a vacation or a pity party,have yourself, hubby, and brother sign the contract and outline your concerns specifically. I personally like the 3 strikes rule but you will be able to read where he is at in terms of seeking sympathy and being seriously depressed. outline such rules as consistently taking meds (ambien can cause sleepwalking so look at side effects) and going to counseling. by approaching the whole deal with this level of structure you are ensuring that you won't be taken advantage of and also will not have to spend each minute at work worrying about his safety. making him accountable for certain chores also gives him sense of purpose and would lend to keeping his focus away from the depression and how "bad things are." put a clear timeline on the whole "visit" like 2 months so that he does not end up like a guest who never leaves.

please let me know if i can help out with this in any way and good luck, also good for you for standing by a family member but do so without WELCOME stamped on your forehead.

 

[Astra]

Hiya Jerry!

All men are 7! (said in jest my friend!)
Of course they strive to be the best they can, don't we all!
Cat's brother is 25 and in my eyes is still young and needs support and guidance, he doesn't know where he's going so needs a little push in the right direction, once he finds his path, he'll be on his way!
I know about depression, so no-one is being flippant here, but Cat's brother has to realise that only he can make that transition to ask for help, you can lead a horse to water...... etc
I'm sure once things have settled down and he's seen a doc, he'll be able to move on.
love to you all anyway
xxx

 

[Dexky]

As a 45 yr old little boy, I'd just like to add that he needs to use his medical discharge to his advantage and immediately begin applying for every govt. job he can think of. They always lean first toward those who serve. Hey, he tried to serve. As long as the discharge is not dishonorable, they will take it into account. I have a friend who got out of the AF on very dubious grounds but the discharge was "general" and now he has the easiest damn job my taxes could buy!!

Joan, you need to pick better men!! Haha. You are a man magnet you know!!

 

[Cat-a-Tonic]

Thanks Jerman for your perspective on the matter. My brother really wants to go back to school, so I will ask him to take advantage of counselors or therapists through his school. He wants to get a job too but I'm not sure if he'll be able to find full-time work or not so not sure what his benefits will be, so his counseling and treatment options will likely be limited to going through his school. I will also ask him to medication options - personally, I take trazodone, which is a mild anti-depressant and a sleep aid, so it seems to me like something like that could help my brother a lot. I got trazodone from my doctor because I specifically asked for a sleep aid that's not habit-forming and won't make me do crazy things while asleep like drive or cook (like what Ambien can do). And I definitely will set ground rules, chores for him to do, and a timeline for him to have a job, enroll in school, and find his own place.

Joan, I still think you're on to something - my oldest niece is about to turn 7, and I swear she's more mature than some of the grown men I know!

Mark, that's a really good idea! I hadn't thought of that, thanks! His discharge is honorable (I think, he hasn't actually signed the discharge papers yet, he's going to sign them probably on Monday and be back home on Friday) so that should help him out a lot in his job search.

 

[Jerman]

Hiya Cat, it sound like you have a solid plan in place-good job looking out for him. I hope all is going well.

Joanie, I knew you were kidding, should have reflected that in post. However, unfortunately there sure are an abundance of males that are knuckle-heads.

Mark, wicked cool thought & really kind of you to share it.

 

[silver]

Ouch Cat! I know how you feel though on a much lesser scale. My older brother (i'm the baby ) is 25, he only moved out in January this year and is not back with my parents for a month. At the end of August he'll be coming to live with me and Sam because I feel it's important he moves away from home and the safety net of my parents. They just give him money whereas we cannot afford to, he'll have to learn to deal with his finances maturely, no more buying expensive videogames. He switched degrees a couple of times and didn't do well in his exams because he didn't apply himelf. He's also had problems with girlfriends and i've been worried about him getting into fights as he has quite a temper.

The boundaries thing is very important, Ben may try to get around me by not doing things but he views Sam as an equal whereas i'm just his baby sister XD so he knows if he doesn't have a job he'll be working around the house doing DIY and such - there's plenty to do!

You're doing the right thing, he needs love and support and it looks like the military training he got has set him up to have a new outlook on life! Don't let it stress you out though, you're very important too! Take time for yourself as well! :hug: