What cn I do to help my boyfriend??!!!

[Somadoll]

Hi there
I'm new to this community and I was hoping that I could find some answers to my current relationship hurdles. My boyfriend has had Crohn's since he was 13 and he's now 34. He's been my best friend for the past 15 yrs and we have tried dating in the past but he always ended up pushing me away when he got sick. I tried to be involved in his illness by cooking for him, cleaning and just generally being there for him as well as reading about the disease. BUT, he never talks about it with me. We've been dating for the past year and a half now, I love him madly....however he's been sick apparently for months now and never told me, he eats things that he's allergic to all the time like bread and fast food or sugar, he's depressed to the point where he can't think of one thing good in his life even when I'm standing in front of him and he's been exploding with anger and negative thoughts at me lately without any consideration for me. Like breaking down and crying and yelling right 10 minutes before I'm about to go write my final exam. Like I said I love him dearly, but all this pushing me back and screaming is taking a toll on our relationship and he won't go see a therapist.
A few facts about his disease:
-He had a section of his intestine removed about 8 years ago
-He sees a naturopath and takes herbal remedies and bacteria gel caps
-He gets B12 shots every 3 mths

This is all I know!!! something that also drives me crazy. I don't know what to do or how to be supportive. any ideas guys?

 

[Mark33180]

My first suggestion is to sit him down and tell him how much you love him and that you accept his condition and want to make his life better and help him through it, Let him know how much you are worried about him when he doesn't tell you that something is wrong. Offer to go to his doctors appointments with him and that you want to know about the disease as much as you can so that if he ever needs any help you can be there for him. My ex did that and it made things so much easier.

 

[Somadoll]

I have have asked him to let me come to appointments with him, but he shrugs it off and then dosn't tell me about his appt. until AFTER he's already gone to it. He says he's basically resigned himself to never feeling good again and so he dosnt feel like he has to talk about it...hiding it is what he does. But then he asked me to move in with him and a bunch of emotional hell broke loose. I know he wants me to move in, but at the same time it scares him that then I'll be around all the time--hiding things will not be so easy then, and I guess talking about it seems so scary to him that he closes up and then gets overwhelmed and then explodes at me. At first I thought he was just being a commitment-phobe and pushing me away with all his back and forth stuff, but now I realize that that just isn't the case. I know he loves me like crazy, I know he always has. I will try and be softer and more supportive. for years his only relationship was between him and the illness and now he's trying to add (me) a third dynamic. How do I fit in better here? what should I be prepared for if I do decide to move in with him? I don't want to nag him about his eating habits, yet I want to because I care. I don't have crohns but I have completely changed my diet for him to be more accomodating and promote some normalcy. How can I help him with his feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness that seem to be associated with his lack of feeling good all the time?

 

[D Bergy]

Sounds like depression to me. Most any inflammatory disease has depression and or anxiety as a pretty common symptom. Sometimes this is caused by the inflammation process itself.

I will recommend the same basic things I have always used, even prior to my Crohn's diagnosis. Krill Oil, Turmeric and Ginger capsules. All of these are anti-inflammatory, antibacterial, and have many other properties that promote good health and disease prevention.

When taken together in higher doses, such as 2000mg of both Ginger and Turmeric and a normal dose of Krill Oil, it can eliminate or greatly reduce Depression. I found this out by accident, but since have found quite a bit of evidence supporting the inflammation = depression problem. Even if it does not help with his mental disposition, the supplements can help with symptoms, which is why I took the large doses to begin with.

Please run this by the naturopath first, as he may be taking other supplements or blood thinners that may interact or have an undesired effect.

He should get a grip on his diet, as it does make a difference.

I don't know how you can get him to put you in the loop, but it is an embarrassing disease to some people. I do not talk about it much either, other than here, but I do not ignore it either.

Dan

 

[Somadoll]

It helps sooo much to know that the 'pushing away' is seemingly a normal part of having crohns. up till now I just couldn't understand what was wrong in our relationship, I thought it was me...that I was too busy with school, that I was pushing too fast for a commited relationship etc. now I understand that there was this HUGE issue between us, something that he probably can't ever stop thinking about and I never gave much thought to because he wasn't talking about it. I want to be there, and I gues I assumed he knew that cuz I've been there the past 15 years.. I've seen him lose 30 lbs in a month before, so weak he couldn't wake up, I would make him soup and leave it by his door, even when we weren't dating I tried everything to understand the disease... I even wrote a research paper on it once, but nothing i did made him open up about how he was feeling. Obviously when he was intensely sick I could recognize it on my own, but the past 2 years I haven't been able to read the mild symptoms that he went through great pains to hide from me. I don't want to go anywhere, I just want to be a team. I want to fight this life long battle together. I don't give up often on things or people---it scares me that he's given up on himself.

 

[Mark33180]

Have you asked him to come visit with us and just sit back and talk to other people that have the disease, maybe a support group. I know that just being here and reading the post on this forum can make things easier and put things in perspective. you can see that you aren't alone and that there are other people out there that are in the same boat as you, some a little better some a little worse. Have him drop in and visit, or while he is at the computer go sit in his lap and pull up the website. when you do tell him you love him give him a big kiss then tell him why you are pulling it up and that you want to help any way you can and that you found this site when doing some research.

 

[cgibson]

My fiance has the same thing & i dont know how to respond with his anger :/

 

[Manimation]

I'd definitely try to get him off corn syrup and taking fish oils and the other stuff mentioned above. Spark a fire under his ass cause you don't want to spend your life with someone who is hopeless about theirs. Tell him no fast food or sodas. Get him some tins of sardines in olive oil, I never thought I'd like them but damn they are good. I've had crohns since I was ten. It can be managed and certainly beats cancer! Good luck!

 

[gouga25]

Hi! My boyfriend of 3 months has suffered with CD & UC for years. He has been honest and upfront about his condition since day 1. He was hospitalized for a week the end of April 2011. He works 12 hr days 3-4 days a week at a hospital, and recently taken a nursing position at a state prison which is supposed to be only if he is needed. I have been educating myself about the disease in hopes to better understand what he is going through (although I know if I read all the info in the world on CD, I will never understand fully how he feels on a daily basis). We live 2 1/2 hrs away from each other, and I miss him like crazy! I haven't talked to him all week, and I am worried but don't want to be the pushy, needy little psychopath, but want to give him space because I know he has been financially stressed. I am afraid he has gotten worse and that is why he is not answering my calls. I am trying so hard to be supportive and understanding, as well as, finding everything I can on CD & UC. He is on his 3rd round of Prednisone.....I hate it for him! I could really use some advice. Thanks in advance!