What to do about Thanksgiving dinner?

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Cat-a-Tonic

Cat-a-Tonic

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This question is mostly for those of us in the USA. I know Thanksgiving is celebrated in Canada but it's on a different day and may be an entirely different holiday by the same name (??? correct me if I'm wrong, I know next to nothing about Canadian Thanksgiving). And I'm not sure if the "American Thanksgiving" holiday is celebrated anywhere else outside of the US.

Anyway, I'm wondering what others do for Thanksgiving. Last year at Thanksgiving time, I had just gotten over my first flare. I had been told by my doctor that it was probably viral gastroenteritis, so I thought it was a one-time thing and didn't realize yet that I have a chronic illness. So I overate on Thanksgiving and ate all sorts of things that I now know don't agree with me, like pecan pie (nuts, ouch!). Needless to say, I was in massive pain and had awful symptoms for several weeks afterwards due to my overindulgence.

So obviously I know much more now than I did then, and I won't overeat or eat anything I shouldn't. I'm probably going to my in-laws for Thanksgiving and I tentatively plan on sticking to safe things like turkey and plain mashed potatoes in small portions. Is that what everyone else does? I don't want to seem rude or like I don't like my mother-in-law's cooking (my m-i-l understands that I'm sick and can't eat a lot of things, but my f-i-l doesn't understand at all and he tends to say some really hurtful things and causes me to cry). I just don't want to cause a scene, you know? What do you guys do?
 
Well I haven't come across this issue before either since I have only been really ill 6 months or so. But I was wondering this earlier regarding Christmas, I have booked a Christmas dinner at school even though I can't eat half of it! And now I'm wondering if I can persuade the cook to do me extra carrots (since the dinners are measured out exactly, if I just help myself to extra that means somebody else will go short).
 
Cat - Would it be possible to bring some "safe" foods of your own. That way it seems like you are still partaking in the food festivities, but aren't skimping on what you put on your plate.

Either that, or I would have a talk with your MIL, or perhaps your husband can be the go between, if you don't feel comfortable talking to her directly, about some foods you are alright with that she can prepare for you to eat that day. Perhaps she may be able to give your FIL a friendly reminder to refrain from saying any comments about how little or how much you are eating too ;) I find sometimes it's less intimidating if you have a go between (like your husband) that could make it sound not like you said anything, but he's approaching it out of concern - since this is your first holiday where you have to be mindful of your health.

I don't see this as too much of a request. I was just talking to one of my coworkers today about how she cooks the big Thanksgiving meal, but makes a fish dish for her daughter-in-law because she doesn't eat meat and makes a couple extra veggie dishes because she eats mostly vegetarian as well.

You deserve to enjoy your holiday just as much as everyone else. You may have to make some adjustments in order to do so, but hopefully with the support of your husband and MIL it won't be as difficult of a process.

This is my first Thanskgiving after my diagnosis as well! Though we're celebrating it on our own, so we get to cook everything. I can empathize with you how you don't want to make a scene. Keep us updated on how things go :)
 
Thanks Rebecca, I hadn't even thought of xmas yet! I'm wondering if I should just bring a couple of Ensures with me or something. Although that might appear rude too. I'm slightly tempted to just fake a flare and stay home, although it I'd hate to lie to my in-laws just to get out of a dinner. I guess I'll bring myself some safe food just in case, and if my father-in-law doesn't like it I will just try to ignore him.
 
Marisa, I think we must have posted at the same time! Ha ha, and I had the same idea, of bringing safe foods with me.

The problem with my f-i-l is that there's just no shutting him up once he starts saying hurtful things. He speaks his mind regardless of what my m-i-l or husband says. A big part of the problem is that my f-i-l drinks a lot, and of course there's no quieting down someone who's had too much to drink. If he gets too obnoxious and rude, I may just end up leaving before the dinner anyway. We'll see what happens. The last time I had dinner at my in-laws, it was Easter, and I ended up in tears because of what my f-i-l had said, and the stress of the situation caused me nothing but gut pain. I've decided I don't want to relive that experience, so if it comes down to it I will have to leave. I'm still really nervous about it, though. I don't want to cause myself more stress on my gut, so that's why I'm trying to plan ahead.

I'll let you know how it goes. And I'm jealous that you are cooking for yourselves, I wish I were able to stay home on Thanksgiving but this is one of the few holidays that it's expected of me that I have dinner with my husband's family.
 
For me thanksgiving food is my "safe food". Turkey breast and mash patotoes are the calms foods i can think of. But over doing it is hard and so is desert. To help prevent that. I wander during the meal and sort of encourage my family to take breaks between course. By wander i mean. Help in the kitchen at random and usually when it's not terable useful, things like that.
 
Gee, Cat, it sounds like food isn't your only worry at this dinner!

I stick to turkey and mash potatoes, as well. One thing that I try to do when I'm invited to any dinner is to offer to bring a dish to add to the table. This is often possible, although I have had one person who was offended by my offer. But other than that one time, most of my friends/family are happy for me to bring over a dish, and I always make a dish that I know I can eat and might be enjoyed by others at the table. For my (Canadian) thanksgiving at a friend's house, I took baked, mashed yams and roasted carrots.

I hope your dinner isn't too stressful with your father-in-law and that you don't have to leave early or come to tears.
 
Thanks, Glum. Yeah, it's not just the food itself that's stressing me out about this upcoming holiday! My f-i-l's problem is that he cannot possibly imagine what it is like to be chronically ill and to have foods affect how I feel - he outright told me he cannot imagine what that is like, and from his attitude it seems he is unwilling to even try to imagine it. So, therefore, since he cannot picture it, therefore it probably isn't real and I'm just faking and I should stop being such a baby and eat all of the food that is offered to me. He's even gone as far as to say that he thinks it's going to wreck my marriage to his son because now that I can't eat anything, I also therefore can't cook anything and cooking together is central to a good marriage - in his opinion. That was what put me in tears back at Easter. He just wouldn't listen to me when I tried to explain what I'm going through and how certain foods really hurt and cause me pain & symptoms for days or even weeks on end - plus the fact that we can still cook together, we just have to be careful of what ingredients we use. He just doesn't get it and isn't willing to listen. So yeah, it's worrisome because of that. I would just rather avoid the whole subject of my health, but with a big family dinner it's inevitably going to come up. I'm still not quite sure how I'm going to handle things if it gets bad again.

But anyway, good thoughts about bringing my own dish to pass, that way I'll for sure have at least one safe thing to eat.
 
It's really unfortunate your FIL is keeping you from enjoying your holiday. I think you have a good plan in bringing some safe foods and I think I would do the same as you if he starts getting riled up and leave early. Your health suffering isn't worth it to stay and endure that type of treatment.

I really do empathize with your situation. I grew up with a dad who lacked the capacity to understand lots of things. I've kind of had to learn to keep my mouth shut and let him talk because it's not worth it to argue and get all worked up. I tend to not listen to what he says, but pretend that I am listening, haha.

I was going to say maybe you could host some holiday meals in the future. That way, you're sure to have a whole spread that you can tolerate. But, it might be difficult to kick FIL out once he's had too many drinks! ;)

Relax and enjoy your time. Focus on your supportive husband and yourself and don't be bothered if you feel the need to leave early because things are getting uncomfortable. It's FIL's own fault if the evening is cut short because he's not careful what he says. You do what you have to do! :)
 
Is FIL an alcoholic Cat? My grandfather was and he caused many hurt feelings at large family gatherings until one year my mother tore him a new one. It was awesome!! Nothing better for stress relief than blowing off some steam!! Good luck!!
 
Marisa: My dad was similar when I was growing up, although fortunately he's mellowed out a lot now that he's gotten older. He's not the stubborn tyrant that I remember from my childhood anymore. I wish my f-i-l would have mellowed too but he seems to have gradually gotten worse instead. You're right, I will definitely leave if things get too upsetting - I can't put myself through that stressful situation again!

Mark: I would say yes, my f-i-l probably is an alcoholic. Although he would probably beg to differ, he doesn't think he has a problem. He had a DUI last year, and since then my m-i-l has kept a tighter leash on him, making him call her and check in all the time and stuff like that. Before his DUI, he would literally drink while driving - he'd go to the liquor store, buy a case of beer, and crack one open in the truck on his way back to the house. That to me says he must be an alcoholic, if he couldn't/wouldn't even wait until he got home to have that first drink. My husband and I both told him several times that he should not be drinking while driving, but he ignored us. So it's very good that he got arrested for DUI, as he no longer does that now.
 
Cat, the way I see it, two things can bring a flare on for you at the holidays-the food AND probably even more so, the stress of going to the in-laws.

This describes any family dinner at my in-laws. My in-laws are self-absorbed and will badger me relentlessly about drinking alcohol, which I've sworn off of because it just tears my gut up and plays havoc with my liver. After 16 years of marriage I know at which number of drinks it's time to go before the fireworks start.

Maybe try having a very thoughtfully worded conversation with your hubby about this. Maybe you could celebrate at your home or with your family and then just go to the in-laws for pie afterwards. If you can get your hubby to see that it's for your own health, not because you just don't want to, maybe he'll get on board. It is sooo no worth a month or more of recouperating to go through that.

With this illness, sometimes we have to put our own needs first, and please don't feel guilty about it. :hang:
 
Thanks Jeannette, although it's not really feasible to go to the in-laws just for pie. They live over an hour away, so with a drive like that my hubby wants to make the trip worthwhile and stay for a meal and conversation. That's not really something he'll budge on. So if we go, we stay until either dinner is over or until the conversation gets heated, whichever happens first.

Good for you for giving up alcohol. I gave it up too when I first got ill - I tried drinking one teeny little glass of wine not long ago ago, and it hurt a ton the next day. So no more of that for me! My liver is messed up too, I apparently have 4 benign growths on it. Nodular hyperplasias or something like that. So I definitely will be sober on Thanksgiving - I wish my f-i-l would follow my example.
 
Cat, don't you wish some people would just shut their mouths? We are having thanksgiving dinner at my mother in laws this year. I don't think I will have any trouble with her opinions of my eating patterns this year because I just had surgery. I also have Essential Tremor, which causes my hands to shake. I have had to ask for things like a fork for serving instead of spoons. I can use the fork to stab the food, so when my hands shake while loading up the plate I don't have food flying everywhere. My MIL does not understand why I cannot keep my hands from shaking and always makes comments about it.

This is my first Thanksgiving after my Crohn's diagnosis. I think I will avoid the Pecan Pie and take it easy on the stuffing (spices do me in).
 
I can't offer any advice Cat but I will keep my fingers and toes crossed for you that it isn't too stressful!

Couldn't come down to Oz for a holiday could you? We don't have Thanksgiving!

:hang:
Dusty
 
I somewhat understand. I live in the US, but was born and raised in N Ireland where all my family live. They are much better now, but last year when I went home. I got so tired of the constant "whats wrong with our food, you ate it when you were little and it was ok." "Eat that food, there will be no wasting in this house." "Have just one wee drink of wine, it wont hurt you... you are just no fun." YEAH I had been dealing with this for years, I have 2 first cousins who have CD but they just eat and drink what ever and pay for it the next day, (very badly i might add) So heres what I did. We were all together grilling out, and the comments were comming. Mostly my mum and some aunts and uncles are the ones who did this to me. I waited untill I couldnt take it any more. Stood up on a chair and let them have it. I realy spoke my mind. I hated to be like that, but you can only be polite about things for so long. I told them if they kept giving me troubble I would slip a large dose of laxative in their food. This caused alot of laughter, and I think I made my point. Now when I go home they offer me the food, If I say no. there is no more pushing. Just a thought. Exploding is an option, but it might not be the best for you.
 
Thanks, guys. Dusty, I'd love to go to Australia sometime, but plane tickets there are incredibly expensive, plus I don't know how my health would hold up during a 20+ hour plane ride. I've only been on a plane once since I first became ill (well, twice technically, since it was a round trip), and that was just to Niagara Falls, so it was a short flight. And at the time I didn't know I was dealing with a chronic illness, I had just gotten over my first flare and thought I had had viral gastroenteritis. I don't know if I'd be brave enough to fly that far away from my home and my toilet! ;)

Doug, sorry to hear that your in-laws don't really understand either and make comments. I guess I'm somewhat fortunate that my m-i-l has tried to be supportive and understanding, it's mainly my f-i-l that is the problem.

Woops, good for you for standing up to your family! I wish I could do that. I'm fairly shy and am not good with confrontation, I'm definitely more flight than fight. I'd rather leave when things get heated than stand my ground and defend myself. I guess I need to work on my assertiveness more.
 
Cat, I understand what you're going through. Except it isn't my FIL, it's my Dad. AND my dad's my boss as I'm the Controller for two of his businesses. Yea. I explode on him sometimes when he doesn't think about what he says. Usually It's not when there's a holiday. Holidays at my house usually includes up to 25 ppl depending on the time of year and family health. It's easier to have bigger holidays though since it allows me to avoid those stressful people.

A non assertive way to take a stand for yourself is to walk outside while they're in the middle of giving you crap. Just turn and go out of the house. I've done that before. Then my mom screamed at him as I slammed the door. :D

<3 I wish you the best of luck. Just remember, it's not a sleepover.
 
I can relate to having a family member who practically seems to go out of their way to make my life hell when I'm around them. Whether it's intentional or not, alcohol influenced or not, it still hurts. But at the end of the day, I cannot get out of family functions so there are a few things I do to help myself.

First, I take a little xanax. It helps calm my nerves and numbs some of my reactions, helping me to look past what is being said and instead focus on the ridiculousness of it. It's their problem, not mine. And while they can talk all they want, I can smile and nod. And the xanax helps. (Xanax prescribed by doctor for anxiety and stress for reasons just like this!)

When the conversation turns particularly ugly, I excuse myself and get up and go to the bathroom. It may only be a three to five minute reprieve but it's often enough for me to catch my breath, re-center and get back out there.

I make sure my partner always has my back. It's better if I don't engage in that sort of conversation, but he can. And will. Even if it's something as simple as changing the conversation or actually engaging my family member, though we try to avoid the later whenever possible.

And as a last resort, if we have to leave early, we do and we give ourselves the in before the meal. Sometimes we blame it on him, sometimes we blame it on me. "So-and-so has a cold and hasn't been feeling well, had a fever earlier, we might have to leave early." If your FIL doesn't understand the Crohn's, don't bother using it as the excuse.

I hope some of the above help you like they've helped me.

As for the food, if your FIL questions it, just say the turkey and mashed potatoes are so delicious, you don't even want anything else.

Not everyone is understanding and sympathetic and engaging them isn't always helpful, for you or them.

-Kathryn
 
Well, there's been a slight change of plans. Instead of going to my in-laws on Thanksgiving, things have changed a bit and we're going to my in-laws for brunch this Sunday instead. Hopefully it will be more low-key than a proper dinner - it's just going to be a potluck meal and then we'll all probably watch the Packer game. So that's something of a relief, although my f-i-l will still be there and I'll still be on my guard around him. Hopefully he won't get too drunk that early in the day.

Kathryn, part of the problem with my f-i-l is that I'm undiagnosed, despite having had numerous tests. So my f-i-l has said that he thinks I'm faking/psychosomatic and not really sick. Or if I am sick, he is sure that it's not as bad as I say it is. I like the idea about saying I have a cold and might have to leave early, although I think I will modify that and say I'm recovering from a flare and am still really fatigued and might have to leave early. (It's true - I am recovering from a flare, so I don't even have to lie! :))

I don't have a prescription for Xanax, and it's a bit late to ask for one now, but I will keep that in mind to ask about the next time I have a doctors appointment. Thanks for the idea!
 
HA i do this at all these family gatherings and whatnot...load my plate...eat a bit of the safe foods that i can eat and then casually, without being to obvious, make my way to the trash bin and slide the rest off....very discreet. I am allergic to wheat too so not only do i have to worry about foods that may cause me pain but foods that people hide wheat in...lol....its fun let me tell you! Last year i ate a piece of lemon meringue pie...just the lemon part...because yeah, everyone knows there is no wheat in meringue right? well...the person who made the pie then told my girlfriend who was asking her about the pie that she puts wheat flour in the meringue...luckily i had a benadryl tab with me...i mean come on who the hell puts wheat in a meringue?
 
Hey Cat!

I just saw this and thought I'd send it your way, even though it sounds like you may have avoided the most stressful part about your holiday festivities this year. Maybe it will be helpful in the future or to someone else dealing with difficult family members/friends.

I saw it on the Real Simple website. It's "How To Avoid Holiday Family Fights."

http://www.realsimple.com/work-life...00044314/index.html?xid=weeklynews-11-24-2010
 
Thanks Marisa, that is an interesting article. Yeah, I get to avoid Thanksgiving at the in-laws and will be going to my aunt & uncle's house instead (they're gluten-free so they eat a lot of corn, etc so I will be bringing some Ensures anyway just in case!). I did have to see my in-laws on Sunday but fortunately there was a big football game on (Packers vs. Vikings - nobody in this state likes Brett Favre anymore so we all had to watch the Packers beat up on Favre!). So with the football game on, nobody chit-chatted much and we left immediately after the game, so I avoided saying anything more than Hi and Bye to my in-laws. That was fine with me! :) But I will definitely keep in mind the advice from that article for xmas - I can't avoid my in-laws then.
 
I think I'm an over-sharer. Or at least I tend to be kind of socially awkward and maybe say semi-inappropriate/TMI things sometimes. My father-in-law is about half pontificator and half drunk uncle, ha ha.
 
I've often wondered the same thing about myself! I have a really hard time making eye contact, I'm socially awkward and I tend to obsess about certain things. Then again, I could just be an introverted geek too. :)
 
Have you tried the autism quotient? It's available through the apple app store or on facebook. It might look like a gimmick but it's based on sound research by Simon Baron-Cohen (the god of autism studies!). If you do it and tell me your score I'll tell you mine!
 
I'll check it out tonight when I get home from work (I'm still at work for another couple of hours and Facebook is blocked from here) and I'll let you know what my score is.
 
Oh yeah, time difference lol! I've been home from work for HOURS! Had a nap, tea, played with the dog, bath and am snuggled up in my pyjamas ready for bed. It's half 9 here, what time is it there?

Just noticed, we've gone a little off topic. At least it's your thread we're hijacking!
 
It's 3:45 PM here right now, so it sounds like you're 6 hours ahead of me. And yeah, I always end up hijacking threads and getting off-topic, so just as well that it's my owh thread! :)
 
You just hit your 1000th post, but I don't know where because you're everywhere today/ tonight! By the way, where is Wisconsin (forgive my ignorance but I'm rubbish at places. I don't even know where half the Brits live). I know it's America, but that's as close as I can get!
 
Hey, 1000 posts! Now 1001. I'm not sure either where I hit 1000!

Wisconsin is in the north - just below Canada's border - and just to the east of the Mississippi river, so pretty much in the center of the country as far as east-west goes. We're sandwiched in between Minnesota and Michigan, with Illinois to the south.

I don't know much about England either - I have heard of Nottingham, but only because of Robin Hood. I have no idea where in England it is though!
 
We're pretty much smack bang in the middle of the UK. Both north/south and east/west. It's a pretty nice place to live actually- Nottingham gets a bad press sometimes but I think it's the same as any city- there's places that are OK and places you avoid. But we're not that far from the countryside or even the seaside. I guess inEngland, nothing's that far compared with USA! Anyway bedtime now, enjoy the rest of your day!
 
Rebecca85 said:
Nottingham gets a bad press sometimes but I think it's the same as any city
Click to expand...

I doubt it, that Sheriff is always running around, trying to capture that charity loving group of bandits living in the forest.

And that is the extent of my knowledge of Nottingham.
 

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