Best Crohns Joke
- Thread starter cagfire
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K
Kate
Guest
ok heres one i was sent ages ago hope you like it i know its out of season but its still good lol
‘Twas the night before Christmas and everyone waited with glee
Except for the one in the bathroom—I have CD.
The Charmin was hung by the toilet with care
In hopes that I’d reach it before ruining more underwear.
I started at night when I was snug in my bed,
Those rumblings I heard were not in my head.
I’d been looking forward to a long, restful nap
But had to get up for a much needed crap
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,
I exited the crapper to see what was the matter!
I opened my door, and it hit like a flash…
This god-awful stench—I fell on my ass.
I opened my window and threw up in the snow
It covered the nativity scene down below.
And what to my bloodshot eyes should appear
But a miniature sleigh with some tiny reindeer.
A decrepit old driver, not lively or quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
Slowly—with effort, those reindeer, they came
As he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
“Now, Crohn’s! Now, Colitis! Now J-Pouch and Ostomy!
On, Hemorrhoid! On, Fissure! On, Stool O Bloody!
To the top of the house, to the top of the wall!
Now dash, little bastards, and don’t let me fall!”
And then, in an instant, I heard on the roof
The scratching and farting of that big, ol’ dumb goof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in red, from his head to his toe,
And he smelled like hell…he really had to go.
A bundle of toys he had flung on my couch.
He winked at me and said, “Wanna see my J-Pouch?”
His eyes—how they twinkled as he let out a fart.
It smelled worse than mine—nearly stopped my dear heart!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
If not for the beard, it’d resemble an asshole!
The bags under his eyes—I saw the fatigue
That comes from living with Crohn’s or UC.
Plus a bad case of D had filled his round belly,
And shook when he farted—it was oh, so smelly.
He was chubby and plump; he screamed at his elf.
I laughed when I saw this, in spite of myself.
The moon face, the mood swings—the twitch of his head,
I knew right away…side effects of the Pred.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to the bathroom
And filled my toilet with a *splat* and a VVVAROOOMMMMM!
Using his finger to close up his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh; he weighed ten pounds less.
And thanking me for the Charmin, he apologized for the mess.
As I heard him cry out, I realized he knew of our plight:
“HAPPY CHRISTMAS!
“I’VE IBD TOO, AND I’M HAVING ONE HELL OF A NIGHT!”
‘Twas the night before Christmas and everyone waited with glee
Except for the one in the bathroom—I have CD.
The Charmin was hung by the toilet with care
In hopes that I’d reach it before ruining more underwear.
I started at night when I was snug in my bed,
Those rumblings I heard were not in my head.
I’d been looking forward to a long, restful nap
But had to get up for a much needed crap
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,
I exited the crapper to see what was the matter!
I opened my door, and it hit like a flash…
This god-awful stench—I fell on my ass.
I opened my window and threw up in the snow
It covered the nativity scene down below.
And what to my bloodshot eyes should appear
But a miniature sleigh with some tiny reindeer.
A decrepit old driver, not lively or quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
Slowly—with effort, those reindeer, they came
As he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
“Now, Crohn’s! Now, Colitis! Now J-Pouch and Ostomy!
On, Hemorrhoid! On, Fissure! On, Stool O Bloody!
To the top of the house, to the top of the wall!
Now dash, little bastards, and don’t let me fall!”
And then, in an instant, I heard on the roof
The scratching and farting of that big, ol’ dumb goof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in red, from his head to his toe,
And he smelled like hell…he really had to go.
A bundle of toys he had flung on my couch.
He winked at me and said, “Wanna see my J-Pouch?”
His eyes—how they twinkled as he let out a fart.
It smelled worse than mine—nearly stopped my dear heart!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
If not for the beard, it’d resemble an asshole!
The bags under his eyes—I saw the fatigue
That comes from living with Crohn’s or UC.
Plus a bad case of D had filled his round belly,
And shook when he farted—it was oh, so smelly.
He was chubby and plump; he screamed at his elf.
I laughed when I saw this, in spite of myself.
The moon face, the mood swings—the twitch of his head,
I knew right away…side effects of the Pred.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to the bathroom
And filled my toilet with a *splat* and a VVVAROOOMMMMM!
Using his finger to close up his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh; he weighed ten pounds less.
And thanking me for the Charmin, he apologized for the mess.
As I heard him cry out, I realized he knew of our plight:
“HAPPY CHRISTMAS!
“I’VE IBD TOO, AND I’M HAVING ONE HELL OF A NIGHT!”
K
Kate
Guest
K
Kate
Guest
How to Poop at Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
F
feliegirl123
Guest
haha those are really funny
K
Kate
Guest
K
Kossy
Guest
Ha ha good one.
Ps... I appricaite your jokes.
Ps... I appricaite your jokes.
K
Kate
Guest
Ok here is a poop wars game you have been warned http://www.funny-games.biz/shitwar.html
K
k-t
Guest
lol They are very funny!!!
K
Kate
Guest
thank you lmao
S
ScottMan
Guest
I've been saving this one for after my surgery:
"I used to have a colon. Now I have a semi-colon."
"I used to have a colon. Now I have a semi-colon."
J
Jonny
Guest
cagfire said:I won!!!!!!!!
Don't know whether I should be admitting that out loud or not...lol
Muhahahahahaha!!! I love that game thanx for sharing:thumleft: :mario2:
L
little_sami
Guest
Great jokes! Too funny!
Kev
Senior Member
Hear the one about the math genius with Crohns? He had the absolute worst case of constipation. But he's OK now. In the end, he had to work it out with a pencil.
You got your head up your @#$!
During a colonoscopy without sedation the patient and doctor see signs of crohns but nothing else abnormal. After the procedure, the patient asks the Dr. for a note to show to his wife that confirms his head is NOT up there.
During a colonoscopy without sedation the patient and doctor see signs of crohns but nothing else abnormal. After the procedure, the patient asks the Dr. for a note to show to his wife that confirms his head is NOT up there.
- Joined
- Oct 2, 2013
- Messages
- 5
Oh wow! I can't remember where, but at some point, I saw some Crohn's finger puppets. A mouth, a stomach, a colon, and a poop. Too funny
