Beware, this post is a drag.

[KimchiiFiend]

Coincidentally enough Creedence Clearwater Revival Feelin' Blue is playing on my playlist at the moment.

Since the holidays, I've been obsessing about the failure I've earned to be. Here I am 25, living at home, little college experience, unemployed, lacking independence and freedom. My health is only a small contributing factor to my situation I believe. It's my attitude that I've failed to turn around that's left me with this undesirable life. Also, calls from collectors, deteriorating relationship with my parents, and increasing anxiety has left me being a shut in at my room. It's comfortable and far easier being alone than being out in the "real world" constantly disappointing myself and others. I know that by ignoring it, the problems will compound and grow exponentially no doubt but for now I need to turn a blind eye otherwise I'm paralyzed as where to start.

Honestly I've lost hope for any kind of good future. I know I just need to break this state of negative thinking and action but it's like fighting the rising tide and I eventually give in and am swept by my thoughts. I keep wondering when I'll hit bottom but some how it manages to go on. :<

Also, as much as I love this home, I feel that living here is sort of stunting or hindering my growth into this independent adult I want to be. Living under the roof with your parents keeps you in the same roles that you had growing up and unfortunately I think that's negatively impacting our relationship. Although we love each other dynamics at home is...very...volatile sometimes. My goal for this year was to save up money and move out but I don't think that is going to happen. Oh how the tears are welling up now...

Ugh. Sorry for this fragmented and depressing post. I've been long due for a vent. Thank you to anyone who read this. I think I'll make a call to a gp and maybe try to get on some medication for depression. It's something that's reoccurred since my teens even way before my diagnosis of crohns and I'm sure something I'll have to fight the rest of my life.

 

[AndiGirl]

Hi Kimchii! I'm sorry that you are feeling so blue. I'm singing the blues myself and over something kind of similar believe it or not. I lived at home after graduating from college. I did it for practical reasons. What a mess! My parents are of the old school where no matter how old you are, you are still their child. I was a teacher with a career and adult responsibilities, but they still didn't think it was appropriate to follow and respect boundaries. Moving out on my own was the best thing for me. I do understand that the economy is bad, and that you are having difficulty with your illness. Even though it may not be possible now, it's probably a good idea to plan on moving out. That way when the circumstances look brighter, you'll be ready.

From my own experience the family roles do not stop when you move out. I am 38 years-old, married, still a teacher, with two children of my own, and dad and mom and my siblings still keep me in the same role. I am learning how to be more assertive. It isn't something that comes naturally, and it takes practice. I love my family, faults and all, and I don't want to alienate them, or to make things even worse. I created the thread, "Feeling Blue." Even at my age, I'm still seeking advice in this area. From personal experience, nobody knows how to push your buttons better than your own family. Here's a hug.

 

[ameslouise]

Hi Kimchii - Sounds like you are in a really dark place right now. Do you have anyone you can talk to, or even a mental health professional to help you thru this blue time? I'm not a pill pusher, but perhaps you want to consider anti-depressants, if you are not already taking them?

It breaks my heart to read your post, you sound so alone. I hope you can pull yourself out of this and move forward, just one small step at a time.

Hang in there. - Amy

 

[MADiMarc]

Hi, Kimchii.
Sounds line all you want to do is crawl into your cave, pull the blankets over your head & sleep. Hon, please see a doctor. There is no shame in needing help. We can support you in the virtual world, but you need IRL stuff too!
:hang:
Michele

 

[margie]

Hi Kimchii,

We are all here to support and help you through the tough times here in the forum, but you need to seek help and that is the start in helping yourself. I know how you feel to a certain degree, I have been there in a lot of ways. I found these two quotes that I live by every day now, and believe me when I tell you that it wasn't easy, but I am managing to follow them. First one is "For things to change, you have to change and for things to get better you have to get better." The other one is one that I have which is live one day at a time and make it your best because you just don't know what tomorrow will bring.

I had to change the way that I was living or I knew that nothing in my world would change for me.

Please seek some help, no shame in it at all.

Big Hug,
Margie

 

[mario]

I agree with all of the above. Sometimes you need real practical help. Please see a doctor and ask for anti depressants. Once your state of mind changes you can then find the energy to change other things in your life. There is a wonderful world out there and there's a special place reserved just for you!

 

[KimchiiFiend]

Well shoot. Thank you for the replies everyone. Thank you for giving a darn about this stranger

I'm going to blame the prednisone for causing my emotions to be so darn extreme lately. Once they are tapered down I'll discuss other drug options with my gastro cause I seriously would much rather suffer through gut pain than go through severe dr jeckyl/hyde moments. It's very stressful on everyone at home.

Now that I have my mind in a little bit better place I find that practicing mindfulness helps to a point with my moods. Staying in the present moment n all. Here's to keeping up the positive thinking. (edit:sorry for the short post I'm tired and my brain is not very creative or cooperative :hallo2

 

[AndiGirl]

It sounds as if you are on an upswing. Prednisone is a wonder drug, but it comes with a price. Those mood swings are enough to knock anyone down for a while. You aren't a stranger here. We understand and can share in your pain and frustration. Any time you need to, feel free to vent.

I am recovering from a flare-up right now. I'm also dealing with difficult family members and a mother-in-law on the way to visit. Oh the Prednisone and how it magnifies pain and frustration.

 

[Crohns08]

Kimchii, sorry to hear you're feeling so down. Prednisone can give me depression as well and those famous Dr. Jekyl/hyde moments. I think it's wise to wait until you're off the prednisone to re-evaluate if you need anti depressants. Unless of course the pred is giving you extreme thoughts. Either way it might be helpful to talk to someone in the meantime. Good luck!