Coming to terms.

[Lydia]

I am coming to terms with some things that have left me extremely broken and depressed.

-My body hurts. Every single day. Along with a bunch of other strange symptoms. I dont know if it will ever go away. This really bothers me as I am a really active person. I can handle the gut problems but I can not handle this. I moved to the mountains just so I had a scenic place to go hiking and snowboarding. I cant do these things if my body hurts. This is not crohns arthritis. I have had that in the past. This is nothing like that.

-I cant stay pregnant. I can get pregnant just by looking at my husband it seems, but staying pregnant is another ballgame and I just cant do it. I am at 6 losses now. This recent one was one only a chemical pregnancy but it sucks none the less. I totally blame the remicade. All testing is normal. I dont have any explanation as to why this keeps happening. I think the remicade has my immune system in a tizzy, causing it to attack the pregnancies. I have to accept the people in my circle are going to get pregnant and have babies and I still wont be any closer to having my own.

-Remicade is not controlling my crohns like it used to and I think its giving me bad side effects after such a long time with like no side effects. Not fully flaring but getting break through symptoms a couple times a week.

-I am really depressed. Like really. I say things like "Make sure to burn my body when I die. I want that piece of **** set on fire." I have a hard time cracking a smile these days, and I cry a lot. I feel weak and pathetic. Like a bad wife and mom.

So I have decided its time for some meds. An antidepressant and birth control pills for starters. Hopefully the GI approves me coming off remicade and switching to imuran as well, because I am going to stop taking it regardless.

 

[cecilialynn]

Wow I am so sorry for how you feel. I have been there with all this pain, I would recommend not thinking of babies at this point. Stress is such a factor in how we feel. I was suppose to go on Remicade last week, then the day before i ruptured my colon, now it has been removed and i have a bag. The only pains now tend to be the dreaded gas ,and the pains of the sutures healing. I have many moments where i sit and cry wondering why. I find you need a great support system. We are lost without it. People who do not have this disease can never truly understand where we are coming from, but as long as you have someone to talk to it helps clear your mind. I hope you get all the support you need in every which way.

 

[Astra]

Aw Lydia
this is so not like you hun, you're always upbeat and positive.
I think you've made the right decision, coming off a med that isn't helping and seeing your doc about anti depressants.
I really hope that dark curtain rises soon and you come back from that hole.
There's only so much pain a human can tolerate, we shouldn't be a martyr to it.
Good luck with the doc, hope he listens.
xxx

 

[JohnathanO]

I hear ya! I am having the same feelings. I already inquired about an anti-depressant because some help settle crohns but i am also lucky to have epilepsy so it is harder to prescribe one for me since they all have seizures as side effects. The last flare for me has been for a few months and pred along with humira don't help(the humira never seemed to from the start). If i am laying down the nausea is not bad but when i stand up it gets bad and i bloat. There is one question I have of you...do you get back pain as the night goes on? It gets so bad that i cant sleep and pain killers dont help making me think it is acid related to the crohns. You be strong! like i am one to preach but in numbers we r stronger! Anytime, I am an ear.

 

[mizgarnet]

Hey Lydia,
Hugs!

Wendy

 

[xJillx]

Oh, Lydia, I am so sorry to hear this. You always provide such good advice (especially in the Pregnancy and Crohn's sub-forum) and support to others; it upsets me to read you are so down. However, I think a lot of what you are going through can be chalked up to Remicade not working for you anymore. So, I agree, it is time for you to stop taking it and try Imuran once again. Hopefully, once you start feeling better physically, you will feel better mentally, and everything else (specifically adding to your family) will fall into place. XOXO

 

[Lydia]

And now I am in a flare. Fan-*******-tastic!

 

[Kacey]

Broke my heart to read your post. I am so sorry for your losses. I've lost one, and it terrifies me to lose another pregnancy. We have been trying to get pregnant since January. Miscarried once, and now no luck. I am so very sorry, I truly hope you are able to come off the Remicade and try something else.

Anti-depressents changed my life. I feel normal. I am afraid to have to go off of them, I depend on them. That's never a good thing, I know. But I am believer in medicine and if it increases the quality of your life, then it is worth it! You only live once, why spend it feeling sad? (((HUGS))) to you!!! (((HUGS)))

 

[xJillx]

Oh no!!! Have you phoned your GI? Are you able to get in? I guess it is time to switch up your treatment...

 

[Maryam]

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through Lydia. talk to your GI and tell him the meds are not working for you. I work in a doctors office and sometimes if the patient has on going issues we try to give them a quicker appointment. It can take as long as months to get appointment with GI. Hope you feel better soon like your old self.

 

[Jer's Girl]

Lydia, I am so sorry you are feeling this way, but I am so glad you are looking into treatment. I hope you are feeling better in all ways soon.

 

[25times]

Lydia, I hope this is just a short flare, and your GI can relieve your symptoms asap. I hear you on the depression stuff. It's hard to stay positive all the time when these horrible things keep happening. It's like, after every good thing that happens, you hit a massive brick wall. And another, and another. Antidepressants have been known to help. I'm not on any, but I am on mood stabilizers and benzodiazapenes. They help a little.

I hope you're feeling better soon. Let us know what they end up doing about all this
:hug: