Dating Girl w/ Crohn's - What Should I Expect?

[InTheDark]

Hey guys, new member here to ask a quicky. Hoping someone can tell me not to worry too much!

I met a random girl recently and we've been out 2 times. Great girl and I think I may get to liking her. On our 2nd date she told me about her problem, how she had to go to the ER once /month, the constant bleeding, and how she was just diagnosed. I really do not know what to expect really or how to even approach this situation. We're both 32yrs old, I'm kinda looking to start a family but wanted to get what life will be like. I like to have sex, do happy hours and such but don't want my lifestyle to be incompatible with hers. I also take good care of myself, eat well and go to the gym regularly.

Can someone give me advice on how to handle all of this. Right now, what's going through my head is "is this going to be too much?", "will we have regular sex", "should I get involved", etc...

She's a very smart girl and her head is very attached so I know it doesn't "seem to" bother her but then again I don't really know her all that well just yet. She's getting a biopsy in a few weeks to check for cancer as well. Was just asking you guys what's in store for me if I decide to proceed with this girl? She seems to be very in to me and although it's cute and everything, I'm not sure if it's desperation or something along those lines. Clearly you can see I'm confused.

Thanks!

 

[pink&green]

Hello and welcome to the forum. My hubby was diagnosed when he was 20yrs(1990) we met in 95 when he first told me I had no clue what Crohn's was. I knew I liked him and thought we could have a future so I started going to his appointment with him and started educating myself about the disease. We got married and started a family we have two teenage boys 15 & 16 that drive me:ybatty: lol

My hubby is a very active man he loves to exercise play sports especially with the boys don't get me wrong he does have his bad days(like now current flare since Sept of last year) which makes it hard that he can't do the things that he use to do. If she's able to find a maintenance medicine that works for her and she's able to go into remission hubby was in remission for 15yrs she could have a very active life. Wishing you both all the best. Take care and let us know how her biopsies goes.

 

[InTheDark]

Thanks for your advice. I'll have to play it by ear I guess. So can I assume that this is like having a constant stomach ache? A family member of mine has IBD and is gluten free and currently taking LDN and said her symptoms cleared up in 3wks. I know it's not Crohn's but she went through similar situations. I battle with auto-immune hives that reappear every 5-6yrs and sometimes a bit in between. Prednisone gets rid of that and I don't have to deal with it again for years. I'm just concerned about the patience I'll need or the simple mindfullness I need to cope... or if I want to cope. I do sympathize.

 

[kiny]

Part of the reason people with crohn's disease have normal lives is because there are people there for them. Sometimes people do have stomach aches, and it's best to just be supportive then, make sure she takes her meds, make sure she doesn't lose weight, sometimes we don't accept it's not going well. Otherwise people with crohn's disease aren't any different from someone without, most people manage fine if we get a shoulder from time to time.

 

[kiny]

the constant bleeding

This is usually a sign you need to take her to the hospital or that the treatment isn't working. It's a definite sign that she isn't doing well, but with the right treatment, people go into remission, and can stay in remission for years often. Always call a doctor if there is sudden bleeding, and immediately take her to the hospital if there is a lot of blood.

She's a very smart girl and her head is very attached so I know it doesn't "seem to" bother her but then again I don't really know her all that well just yet.

We do have our heads screwed on the right way, we just have slightly more interesting lives at times, otherwise it's no different from someone else. If you're open to accept that then I'm sure you would get along with her just fine.

 

[InTheDark]

Thanks Kiny, she has been to the doctor and the ER a few times & has an appointment to get checked out further in a few weeks. I'm guessing it's a flare thing she's going through currently?

Anyhow, I'll probably need to simply experience how things are slowly as we progress before I fall in love... or something like that. Not to say I cannot take care of people... it's just the thing where I ask myself am I going to have the patience to do so before I get involved in a serious relationship.

 

[kiny]

I'm guessing it's a flare thing she's going through currently?

Yes, if we feel sick we call it a flare, if we feel fine for longer periods we call it remission.

It is good that you ask the forum and take the step serious, while break-ups happen, we have had our share of disappointments in life, and not everyone is ready to be disappointed again if that makes any sense. However, my crohn's disease has never stood in the way of caring for someone.

 

[volfan4life87]

I may be going out on a limb here but I'd venture to say that most people with Crohn's lead a mostly normal life. The diagnosis and bringing the illness under "remission" period is the most difficult time (and this appears to be the stage she is in). I have had crohn's for 9 years and basically operate exactly as any other person does, I just take a bunch of medicine. But initially I was very ill and had to refrain from eating certain types of food, alcohol in any quantity, and I had to be aware of where bathrooms were at all times (long trips were not possible). This period lasted for me for only 6 months or so. Not to say you don't have separate issues at different phases of the illness, but that initial period is the most life obstructing in my personal opinion.

 

[valleysangel92]

Thanks for your advice. I'll have to play it by ear I guess. So can I assume that this is like having a constant stomach ache? A family member of mine has IBD and is gluten free and currently taking LDN and said her symptoms cleared up in 3wks. I know it's not Crohn's but she went through similar situations.

Hello and welcome, it's good to see that your trying to find out more...

I just want to pick up on a few things - yes we can have constant stomach pain, but that is not all it is, and often it's worse than any 'normal' stomach ache that most people would experience, the condition can be exhausting, we can ache all the time in every part of our bodies and we can struggle sleeping etc .. There can be vomiting, severe weight loss, and all sorts of other symptoms and there are a number of complications... This is not the case for everyone, but it is for some, and it's important you realise this.

Also, your relative may have a really mild case at the moment, but it might not stay that way , and for many it takes a lot longer than 3 weeks to get better.

I cannot tell you how this girl's illness will progress, no one can, she may quickly find good medication and get into remission... Or she may have a long hard battle ahead of her. The condition can change in the blink of an eye, so you have to remember this is a life long thing, even if she gets remission, it is more than likely to come back in the future.

However, we do get remission, we can have a next to normal life, we can have fulfilling relationships and contribute a lot to other people. So don't let the illness alone put you off.

For now, I would say get to know her... You might not have as active a sex life as some if she has certain complications... but many people with crohns do have active sex lives and manage to have a family, and a full, happy life. It might not be a walk in the park, but it is achievable.

Try to get to know the her that's behind all this, remember she's a person like everyone else, she has an illness, but that doesnt mean she doesn't have the same feelings and desires, and she obviously trusts you and respects you to be so open about her illness.

I was in the process of being diagnosed when I started dating... I've now been with that guy 18 months, I'm 21 and he is 22 and we are a lot more mature and a lot closer for the experiences we've had. Good relationships are more than possible. Stick around a little longer and see if you like her as her, you might find that the illness becomes a lot less important. If after you get to know her, you still don't think you can cope, then it will be time to have another think.

You are welcome to private message me if you ever want a chat.

 

[autumn_rose]

Hi, there.

Both my boyfriend and I have Crohn's, so we have a great understanding of each other in that aspect. One of the reasons my former relationship did not work out was because my ex didn't understand and never seemed to try. I was very sick, and couldn't do anything other than try to survive day to day. And he was more concerned with having me cook dinner. He never supported me or understood that I was fighting for my life at the time. I think the important thing is to know that she's always doing the best she can. Sometimes she won't feel up to doing as much as you might like to, and you need to be understanding of that and support her during those times. Be sensitive to her needs and feelings. I know, personally, I still struggle with self esteem when my disease is controlling me. I do what I can to stop it, but there's only so much a person can do. Sometimes we just need to slow down and focus on our health, and we need the people in our lives to support that.

Truthfully, if a relationship forms, then you'll be able to compromise on lifestyle. But I honestly feel like you may be resentful if you feel like you're missing out, and if that's the case, then don't cheat this girl (or yourself) out of the opportunity of finding someone that is compatible.

 

[autumn_rose]

I'd also like to throw in that we are not our disease. Even in our most physically weakened state, we have so much to offer, just like anyone else. You'd think that it'd be more difficult being in a relationship in which both people suffer from Crohn's. But we love each other, and we're strong for each other. When one of us is down, the other helps to lift. And if we're both under the weather, we find strength in that, too. Compassion is a powerful tool; so is love.

 

[Lottie93]

Hello,
I had been dating my boyfriend for 3 months when i got very ill and was diagnosed with Crohns so you can imagine it was a shock for us both. Ive had bad experiences with my crohns since but none have impacted negatively on our relationship.

Other than taking medications, getting blood tests and getting sick more often than others i live a completely normal life! I wouldnt say i was any different to any of my friends or family!
I don't feel like we have to adapt our relationship at all, my bf is very understanding.

Yes i have times when i do get very ill but when i am well, which is most of the time, we are like any other couple. Yes we have sex as often as any couple and yes we go out drinking!
i always try to not let Crohns define what i do in my life

I think this girl has been very brave to be so upfront with her condition and she has no reason to hide it. Don't let the condition dictate how you feel about her.

It is good that you are gaining some knowledge in the condition so you can understand what it is we go through but ultimately its up to you to just give the relationship a go and see if it will work. In any relationship there will be troubles and i can honestly say that in the 2 years I've been with my bf Crohn's hasn't created a barrier between us

Im sure after a few more dates you will be able to gage better how you feel about the situation.

Xxxx

 

[InTheDark]

Thank you all for your replies, this helps a lot!

 

[Kayla612]

Just get to know her and don't let it stop you from being with her. Pretend it's not there, and when it undeniably is, support her all you can. Be glad you met her after she had a diagnosis. I only say this because I met my fiancé before I had a diagnosis and it took a year to get it. I was always in pain, had fevers, lost a bunch of weight, and all the other good symptoms of Crohn's and I am so happy none of that kept him away from me! I would be quite sad if he didn't want to be with me anymore because of my illness, so if you really like her, keep her you'll both be okay