Drowning, just drowning

[dahlfacepoet]

When I was in highschool I had this dream. I dreamt that I vomited all of my intestines out of my body. In my dream, I went from person to person, carrying my guts out in front of me, telling them I needed to go to the hospital, but no one ever believed me.

That's what my life is like now. I can't go on. I just can't. I hate my life. I hate that I've said that, but it's the truth. I hate every miserable moment and can't see any future.

I stopped working so that I wouldn't lose my job over all my sick days. I wasn't able to make my full schedule, which was only 15 hours a week. So now we are broker than broke. My wonderful community of poets even raised some money for us, but it isn't enough. My power is due to be shut off any day now. We just don't have the money to pay for it. We've been waiting on my honey's financial aid to come in, but I have no idea when that will be. I can't afford my prescriptions that will run out soon. I can't afford the copay I have tomorrow. And I'm all out of Ensure!

I haven't been able to get the rest I wanted this month, due to the financial stress. I am only being treated for pain at this point. I'm so tired of not having a diagnosis. My GI will not prescribe anything stronger than Budesonide, which isn't working for me. I started a steroid suppository and a nitroglycerine cream for my anus, but I'm not exactly what it's supposed to do for me. I can't manage a life like this. Too sick to work and not sick enough for a diagnosis. I have my GI appointment in a couple weeks. I'm dreading it so. I used to think my appointments would help discover what was wrong with me. But I think my GI may want to reopen all the studies again. Which means more prep, oh joy. I'm thinking second opinion.

This vent doesn't seem to end, but I think it is now.
Thanks for reading.

 

[Artificial]

Hi Dahlface,

I am sorry to hear how you feel at the moment :-(

I know you're not holding out much hope for seeing your doc but I do hope your upcoming appointment helps.

I'm guessing from your post you're in America? I don't know much about how things work there but maybe someone has some ideas of how to get help financially xx

 

[Cat-a-Tonic]

Dahl, you poor thing, I'm so sorry that things just keep getting worse. I believe you're in the US but I can't remember where you are. If you're in the northern states, there should be a law saying they can't turn your power off during the cold-weather heating months. There's a law like that here, even if you don't pay your electric & gas bills they legally cannot cut you off until spring so that you don't freeze to death from lack of heat. Hopefully there's a law like that where you are?

As for things looking dark and being a struggle just to get through each second, I've been there. I'm here to tell you, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It might seem like a far way off, but it's there. Don't give up on it. I struggled so much, and even though I'm still undiagnosed, my doctor saw that the never-ending testing and being so ill all the time was taking a huge toll, and he switched gears and tried meds on me to get me into remission. Fortunately it worked and I'm in remission today, and things are so much better now. If budesonide isn't working, maybe ask for pred. That's how I got the ball rolling, I was in such a terrible flare and I went to a different doctor since my regular doc was all booked up. This doctor I saw was terrible, he took one look at my chart and said I have IBS and I "look depressed" and he asked if I wanted some antidepressants. I was so ill and upset and I had enough, and I put my foot down and demanded prednisone. I'm normally a pretty meek person but I was furious that day. He relented and gave me pred, and that made all the difference in the world. Sometimes you just have to demand better meds and better treatment. A second opinion would be good if your current doc is adamant that budesonide is the strongest thing you'll get. Some docs will give pred to undiagnosed folks like us - I was given a short trial of a low dose and even that worked wonders for me.

Are there any charity groups or churches in your area that could help you out financially? Maybe if you call the electric company and explain what the situation is, they'd give you more time or cut you a break? I think you've mentioned your parents helping you out financially in the past, any chance they could help you out again? I wish I had more ideas on the financial side. Do you do crafts? If so, maybe you could set up an etsy shop and sell your crafts online for some extra cash? I know Allieinwonder does that. I wish I could say more. Hopefully someone else will have better financial ideas than I have.

I hope things look brighter for you very soon. We're always here for you! Keep up the fight, I know it's so exhausting but I also know you are very strong. Big hugs to you!!

 

[dahlfacepoet]

Cat, I'm in New Mexico, where the high at the moment is in the 60's. I don't think a law like that exists here. I think I will have to ask my dad for money to tide us over. My honey's school adviser just told us to go to a shelter because it will take two weeks to overnight a check from Boston, for some reason. I just don't know what to do. How to do it.
My GI has said he won't prescribe pred without a dx. I guess I understand it, but oh I am so miserable. I can't stop the tears.